Is there a stigma in dating single mothers?

[adatingquestion]

Not British, so need some cultural guidance. Also probably quite unexperienced relationship wise, so apologies in advance for a stupid question.

Someone I have been dating for a couple of months now (my first relationship after a couple of years spent single), said that he is unsure about how to introduce me to his friends and family, as being in a relationship with a single mother is likely to raise quite a few eyebrows. For clarity, I did not press him or raise this topic, he just said it when we were discussing friendships in general. I asked why, but he just kept changing the topic without giving a specific answer.

I thought this was going well - progressed organically from just casually knowing each other to friends and then to romance - but now unsure. And, to be honest, almost on the brink of quitting this relationship.

He does not have children himself, I have two (quite young), and the relationship is light years away from them being introduced. My question is whether he hinted that there's some sort of a general stigma, or could he have meant something like "I have never been paternal so they'd be surprised"?

God, this thread is depressing. Not that I am dating, I was first a single mother back in 2004. I thought we had moved on from single mothers being stigmatised.

@adatingquestion, to be honest it's not something I was aware of with the wider family. Never heard anything mentioned. DB has successful career, his now DW had a successful small business and one lovely DD. They just hit it off so well.

Could he have done better? Not a chance! In fact they've both been very lucky to meet each other.

Thank you @FreeAsAByrd - that's encouraging to hear! Maybe I am overthinking this.

What I think is really sad about the attitudes you have described is that this seems to be aimed at women who are divorced or have broken up with partners - which is generally a two way thing, and let’s face it, just a fact of life. If you’ve left someone who wasn’t good for you or right for you or you just weren’t right for each other that should be a good thing. But it’s seen by ignorant people as a negative.
I can’t help but think attitudes to widows are very different in people like your partners family. It’s a horrible double standard.

Be reassured OP many single parents meet someone wonderful and it is a none issue.

My Friend met her DH 12 years ago, she was apprehensive about dating him as a single mother, her life is a very happy one now, it happens for lots of him.
This is his issue dump him.
I said up-thread I didn't date parents when I was childfree mainly because I liked freedom.
If I really liked a person it wouldn't matter how complicated it got.

happens for lots of him.
It happens for lots of single parents.

@Rosesareyellow

What I think is really sad about the attitudes you have described is that this seems to be aimed at women who are divorced or have broken up with partners - which is generally a two way thing, and let’s face it, just a fact of life. If you’ve left someone who wasn’t good for you or right for you or you just weren’t right for each other that should be a good thing. But it’s seen by ignorant people as a negative. I can’t help but think attitudes to widows are very different in people like your partners family. It’s a horrible double standard.

Well, in my case my ex was the one who left after meeting someone else, it is not even like I could do anything about it.

@EmeraldShamrock

Be reassured OP many single parents meet someone wonderful and it is a none issue.

My Friend met her DH 12 years ago, she was apprehensive about dating him as a single mother, her life is a very happy one now, it happens for lots of him.
This is his issue dump him.
I said up-thread I didn't date parents when I was childfree mainly because I liked freedom.
If I really liked a person it wouldn't matter how complicated it got.

This is also very encouraging. Thank you!

Got some stupid courage and texted him about this - in a light-hearted way, but it really messes with my head to the point that I am not sure whether we have actually ever been on the same page.

I don’t think there is a ‘stigma’ but is do think there are a lot of single men who are not looking for the hassle of dating a woman who has childcare responsibilities. Nor are they up for the commitment or responsibility of ‘taking on’ someone else’s child. That’s an understandable & perfectly reasonable view.

I dont think there is any stigma being a divorced mother in your late 30s or 40s. Isnt half the population divorced? Personally I think being a man in your late 50s who is single with no kids is way more of stigma - what's wrong with him, why no significant relationships? He sounds like a weirdo and I also think he is negging you. Bin him.

@Libertaire

I don’t think there is a ‘stigma’ but is do think there are a lot of single men who are not looking for the hassle of dating a woman who has childcare responsibilities. Nor are they up for the commitment or responsibility of ‘taking on’ someone else’s child. That’s an understandable & perfectly reasonable view.

I agree, totally understandable. In this case we're several months together (just short of a year), so had he been really reluctant to, there were many opportunities to jump the ship.

I think it's about it being more complex, rather than looking down on you.

"Let's not pretend there isn't a stigma about single mothers. E.g you make poor life choices, hence being a single mum. I'm not saying that I agree by the way."

I don't agree that this stigma exists for a divorced woman with children from one father. It might exist for a woman who has never married and whose children are from multiple fathers as it suggests she chose to reproduce with men who weren't reliable.

I do think some of this guy's friends might just think it's not a great 'deal' to be with a single mother, potentially ending up bringing up another man's children, but many many men do that...

"To be honest, it sort of works both ways - some women would prefer not to date a man who already has children."

Yes, but a woman is less likely to end up living 100% with the step-children or, at the dating stage, to be never able to see her boyfriend because he needs a babysitter. I think dating a man with children is probably easier than a woman with children.

I'm not sure it's a stigma as such, isn't it more that single parents of either sex are inherently more complicated because there are children involved? I'm not sure I'd date a single Dad because of how complicated it could get further down the line, not because there's anything wrong with being a single parent if that makes sense?

Do you think he meant but couldn't express that he was worried he would look dodgy, as in pursuing single mothers so he could have access to their kids? I am on a dating forum, and it's full of horror stories and advice on how to avoid men who are looking to groom families. I am not saying your BF is like that or has thoughts in that direction, but it IS known that single mothers are often targeted by abusive types.

Maybe it's more an age thing? I was surprised my ex bil, in his 50s, was dating a woman with young DC. He wasn't very hands on with his own DC and didn't parent very much. It may well be that sort of thing. He knows his friends/family will be a bit surprised he's made this choice at his age.

He's projecting - he's the one with the problem

@adatingquestion

Got some stupid courage and texted him about this - in a light-hearted way, but it really messes with my head to the point that I am not sure whether we have actually ever been on the same page.

So. Got a vague answer about that his circle being very conservative and his friends and family probably don't even know any single mothers socially so won't know what to think and how to be around me. I am still not quite clear what it means. Feeling just ridiculously socially inept.

There is a whole series of advice videos and books for men (MGTOW, Red Pill et al) that is very popular at the moment with men and clearly, repeatedly tells men not to date single mothers, under any circumstances. You can see the (frequently viewed) videos on YouTube.

Honestly I had no issues dating nice men as a single mum. I didn't feel it was an issue at all.

I've now met a wonderful & eligible bloke. Decent men will look beyond any old fashioned ideas & 'stigma'. Tbh more blokes would be put off by my dietary choices (vegan) than because I have dc 😂.

@Gwenhwyfar

"To be honest, it sort of works both ways - some women would prefer not to date a man who already has children."

Yes, but a woman is less likely to end up living 100% with the step-children or, at the dating stage, to be never able to see her boyfriend because he needs a babysitter. I think dating a man with children is probably easier than a woman with children.

Yes see I 100% Agree with this but lots of people seem to say it’s the opposite and it’s harder for a woman dating a single father but I just can’t agree, woman are in 90% of cases the RP I don’t know any resident parent dads and despite what MN says 50/50 contact is still very unusual with most contact being EOW that is far more the norm, I also know many women bringing up children alone with no input from the father, don’t personally know any men doing this but I’m sure it does happen but it is much less common, when a man dates a woman with kids he is taking on a lot more than a woman who probably only sees the step kids EOW, a step dad will move into the home with the children and spend far move time with them and financially supporting them

Well done for messaging him OP!
What is his circle like - perhaps they are prejudiced?
For example many people consider anybody who doesn't fit the standard 'below their league'. Whether the standard is race, looks, single parenthood etc etc.
Most of my family for example (although a different culture, not British) all married young, had kids and stayed with husbands. Divorce etc unheard of. They don't know any single mums. Perhaps his circle has made judgey comments.

The important thing is that you hash it out. Ask him what he's going to do about it. Or even - he may be overthinking it and they're all going to be perfectly polite. To your face, anyway.

What you can do is meet them and see how you get on. Unless he's refusing evene that.