Is there a stigma in dating single mothers?

[adatingquestion]

Not British, so need some cultural guidance. Also probably quite unexperienced relationship wise, so apologies in advance for a stupid question.

Someone I have been dating for a couple of months now (my first relationship after a couple of years spent single), said that he is unsure about how to introduce me to his friends and family, as being in a relationship with a single mother is likely to raise quite a few eyebrows. For clarity, I did not press him or raise this topic, he just said it when we were discussing friendships in general. I asked why, but he just kept changing the topic without giving a specific answer.

I thought this was going well - progressed organically from just casually knowing each other to friends and then to romance - but now unsure. And, to be honest, almost on the brink of quitting this relationship.

He does not have children himself, I have two (quite young), and the relationship is light years away from them being introduced. My question is whether he hinted that there's some sort of a general stigma, or could he have meant something like "I have never been paternal so they'd be surprised"?

I’d seriously be wondering what’s wrong with him. Wants children at almost 60, but never had any. I am not far from your age and would not date a 45 year old in that situation, never mind 60. Stinks of Peter Pan syndrome

Yes, I think so. My best friend is a single Mum and she’s quite young but she’s a brilliant woman and has a great career, her own home, kids are great too. She attracts lots of men around her own age (mid 20s) because she’s attractive but most of them are eventually put off by the fact she has children. Some of them have said they’re unsure how to tell their family/friends because it’s embarrassing so she’s just ditched them at that point. She’s finding the dating game quite difficult, I’ve told her to maybe give it a rest for a while until she’s a bit older and other guys are more likely to also have children.

Think it would be less of an issue with men who also have children but then that brings up problems in itself.

No, not a billionaire, a college lecturer. I honestly was not looking for sponsorship

I wasn't meaning that- simply that 59/60 year olds with the exception of perhaps a few billionaires, are not in demand among women wanting to have babies. Hope you're not too upset about it OP but it sounds like a lucky escape. You can do much better.

No I really don't think there is anymore. 30 years ago maybe but with half of all marriages failing single parenthood is becoming the norm.

Could there be any sinister reason he doesn’t want his friends to know he is dating a woman with kids? Just as thing to think of

@Poetrypatty

No, not a billionaire, a college lecturer. I honestly was not looking for sponsorship

I wasn't meaning that- simply that 59/60 year olds with the exception of perhaps a few billionaires, are not in demand among women wanting to have babies. Hope you're not too upset about it OP but it sounds like a lucky escape. You can do much better.

Upset, but I think I will survive. I think he maybe has a bit of billionaire-level ambition as he told me once that there are a couple of female students developing obvious crushes on him every year, and it is tricky to navigate without offending or causing misunderstanding. I mean adult students obviously, he's lecturing to early - mid 20's audience usually, not teenagers.

Just read all your messages now OP. And you don’t sound “beneath” anyone. You sounds like an amazing catch: good job, sensible, very articulate.. actually, I think I’ve got a girl crush now!

I just want to agree with @TraceyLords - you have sooo much going for you. You are young, in a well paid professional job, I assume speak several languages etc.
As a single parent of a similar age can I just suggest you rethink this "It is not that I saw myself as some sort of a special prize" if you are going to keep dating? There is nothing wrong with seeing yourself as a special prize. Not in a big-headed way, but I SHOULD be special to the person I'm seeing. Just as you say you wouldn't have gone out with him if you didn't think he was amazing, you shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't think you are amazing too. Otherwise you can easily end up in the odd position of dating someone for whom on paper you are massively out of their league - but in both your heads you are beneath.
Also I seriously doubt that many 20 something students have crushes on him but if it makes him happy to think that...

[quote apalledandshocked]**@Pretzelcoatl* But here's the thing (and I have no idea how or why the relationship ended so I really don't want to cause offence). You dated them for just 2 years. That doesn't sound like she was the love of your life even if you liked her. If you had ended with "and that person has been my wife for 15 years" it would be different. Obviously there is nothing wrong with just casually dating someone. There is nothing wrong with 2 people just hooking as FWB for that matter. But if the OP is really into the relationship from her end, and for him she is someone he is only seeing but doesn't plan to introduce to his family/friends then she is likely to get hurt.

*As I said, my unreserved apologies if she died tragically or ran away with the postman the day you planned to propose etc.[/quote]
Dated may not have been the best descriptor then. We lived together for the bulk of that time. It ended because I, by pure chance, returned home (to my country) as I had to do periodically as a visa condition and to maintain my healthcare status, just before covid hit. I had opened a business in her country, but I wasn’t a citizen there (and didn’t want to be coughTrumpcough).

So weeks after I returned, the border closed and it’s now been eighteen months since I was there. So, months ago, we decided to end it as long-distance with no end in sight wasn’t practical.

So back to the hair I think you were trying to split - perhaps in the UK the term “dating” is used differently than here. We were in a relationship, exclusive, lived together, and weren’t looking elsewhere. She never met a single member of my family and only one of my friends, for the practical reason I mentioned in an earlier post (geographic distance).

@adatingquestion

So we had a text exchange this morning and indeed we are seeing the situation differently. He thought that we already had "the talk" when he explained that he wants a family with someone without any prior baggage, and therefore implicitly agreed to keep it casual / temporary. I did not understand it like that at that time, thought it was more of an "in the ideal world, I would like..." discussion, and not a memorandum of understanding. So yes, basically confirmed I don't meet his standards but otherwise a great person and he wishes me all the best.

I guess this closes the topic. @Pretzelcoatl and all, thank you for your contributions, it was quite interesting to read the male perspective, by the way.

I’m sorry I was wrong and it didn’t work out for you, OP. Hopefully the parts of the relationship you enjoyed outweigh any disappointment you may have now, and don’t be put off dating in the future.

Best of luck!

So we had a text exchange this morning and indeed we are seeing the situation differently. He thought that we already had "the talk" when he explained that he wants a family with someone without any prior baggage, and therefore implicitly agreed to keep it casual / temporary.
What a wanker. I hope he ends up alone and miserable having lost very special person from his ignorant attitude.
You'd a lucky escape.
Echoing others you come across as a catch, his loss.

What an absolute wankstain.

I'm sorry OP, at least you forced the discussion now and know to follow your instincts in future.

Really is his loss, onwards and upwards.

Lucky escape, OP.
Can you really imagine sharing your life and family with someone like this long-term?

@Pretzelcoatl Sorry, I do feel really bad now. Covid is shit.

@1FootInTheRave

I was a single mum before I met dh.

I was 21, with a 3 year old, worked and I was at uni and had a mortgage etc.

I was asked out by almost every eligible (and not so eligible!) bachelor in my locality. All knew I was a single mother etc.

Not boasting and I didn't actually date anyone until dh. Just showing how my experience was very different.

Maybe it helped that you was younger, not sure, I have just noticed a few around who are a lot younger than me and dating or in a proper relationship

I was not surprised to read another's post about her male friends saying they would sleep with her, not date her, if she had a child, I have experienced this attitude and outlook on the subject many times!

[quote apalledandshocked]@Pretzelcoatl Sorry, I do feel really bad now. Covid is shit.[/quote]
No need to feel bad, it was just a lack of mutual definition clarity.

If it’s about the relationship, it was a practical snd mutual decision.

Either way, all’s well.

What a fucking wanker and he absolutely does not deserve anyone . You’re amazing

Then the only way to solve this problem as such, would be for any of us who have kids, to stay in a relationship with the father/mother. Which just seems impossible as even if it is for no other reason, it seems that an article I read when I had my DS, was a percentage (I can't remember the figure) of couples who separate by the time the child is 18mths old! I know many in relationships who both have kids from previous relationships, so there must be something in that, and it somehow seems to work.

But I do know from being a single mum myself, the outlook and mindset on it, especially at a certain age too. I do feel so many things and have terrible thoughts about my exP who I should never of had my DS with, but it's happened and life has to go on. I do believe that karma exists and he will get his pay back somewhere in his life. As he robbed me of my life and has got away with living his. The only other way I see it, is if I had got away from him(he was abusive) without having a child, I might of then realised or decided that I wanted a child and struggled at the age I was when I had my DS, to find a partner to have a child with. Or I would of had to of found someone who didn't want children, and the thing about being single after coming out of a relationship at a certain age, depending on your nationality and culture, and the nationality etc of the guys you might be inclined to go for(unless you don't have a type/preference) is it would still be hard to find someone to see as a relationship when the ones who are single are still quite a bit younger.

Plus some of the younger guys I have come across are not looking to have kids, things are changing, though I'm sure they will get to a point in life and realise they do want kids. But I am talking about guys in their late 20's to very early 30's, I was not even thinking about kids at that age, so I don't blame these guys at all.
And just to think, my ex was quite keen to lumber me with a second child if he had been met with approval, but he got away with having the one at least, and he will never fully be honest, that he was like me, kids were not part of the plan, and that he mainly did it for one reason.

His loss OP.

He thrown away a woman decades younger than han him who he's happy with for the fantasy, at 60+ that he'll meet a childless woman desperate and able to furnish him with offspring.

Instead you'll find someone else when the time is right and he'll end up alone or settling for someone not quite "good enough" who has to endure his stuffy friends looking down on anyone not as "good" as them

Single dad = heroic, selfless, verging on Demi god status

Single mum = feckless, wayward wanton woman of the night

I am sorry you have had your time wasted by this utter prick, OP.

Perhaps you'll be reading about him in a court case or university sexual harassment lawsuit soon.

Sounds like you're better off without him OP. Just a thought - are you sure he is actually single? Or as a pp said there may be more sinister reason. Statistically unlikely of course, but if he could have been barred from having contact with kids.

@TeachesOfPeaches

Single dad = heroic, selfless, verging on Demi god status

Single mum = feckless, wayward wanton woman of the night

It reminds me of Boris Johnson's comments on single mothers. At least most single mothers know how many children they actually have!

I think it could be possible, his previous partner was several years younger than me and did not have children of her own (but also did not want any, hence the break up). Naturally, it is much easier for men to become a parent later in life.
Just because a man can have children at that age doesn't mean they should. But I've read your update since. He's wishful thinking. I bet in 10 years time if you bumped into him he'd still be biologically childless. More full him. I hope you meet someone worthy

@lboogy

Let's not pretend there isn't a stigma about single mothers. E.g you make poor life choices, hence being a single mum. I'm not saying that I agree by the way.

Plus for men or women - stepping in as a parent is fraught with difficulties with the kids and the ex.

I think it was insensitive of your new man to tell you eyebrows would be raised though. But I'm
Surprised you are surprised that it's an issue

How is becoming a widow a poor life choice?????? There's only a tiny percentage of single parents whom have actually chosen to be a single parent...