Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there a stigma in dating single mothers?

157 replies

adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 16:27

Not British, so need some cultural guidance. Also probably quite unexperienced relationship wise, so apologies in advance for a stupid question.

Someone I have been dating for a couple of months now (my first relationship after a couple of years spent single), said that he is unsure about how to introduce me to his friends and family, as being in a relationship with a single mother is likely to raise quite a few eyebrows. For clarity, I did not press him or raise this topic, he just said it when we were discussing friendships in general. I asked why, but he just kept changing the topic without giving a specific answer.

I thought this was going well - progressed organically from just casually knowing each other to friends and then to romance - but now unsure. And, to be honest, almost on the brink of quitting this relationship.

He does not have children himself, I have two (quite young), and the relationship is light years away from them being introduced. My question is whether he hinted that there's some sort of a general stigma, or could he have meant something like "I have never been paternal so they'd be surprised"?

OP posts:
Original poster
adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 17:01

@TractorAndHeadphones

OP did you choose to have the children yourself? How old were you? Who’s the children’s father? Honestly the best way is to ask him what he means by that but I don’t know if they would judge you for being a older mum or something.

The ‘single mum’ stigma usually comes from assuming that a woman was feckless and had children without thinking (which is blatantly untrue of course). But if you’re a professional woman - I fail to see how it reflects badly! Except for him trying to take responsibility.

Also in your OP you mentioned him not being paternal. That could also be true. I have many friends who are terrible with kids (and people in general) swore they’d never have kids. If they started dating a single mum I’d be ???? OTOH several men have become dads unexpectedly and turned out not bad

Just ask him in a casual way could be an innocent explanation!

Chose to have the children, was married to the father of the children, exH left for another woman (almost no contact now, voluntary on his side as he moved quite far away too), was late 20s and early 30s when they were born. Well, I probably have been a bit feckless as could have chosen better, but it is what it is now.

I asked what he meant, did not get a straight answer. I think he regretted immediately saying this and just got ultra-evasive.

It is not that I saw myself as some sort of a special prize, but I generally thought that our relationship is quite equal and has some potential. Now I have this terrible thought that he sees it as doing me a favour / lowering himself to "my league".

OP posts:
thewhatsit · 07/10/2021 17:03

I guess yes.. but at the same time, I would never have dated a man with children. Blended families sound incredibly complex and I never wanted to be anyone’s stepmother and I wouldn’t want to have children with different fathers.

I fully get that if my marriage were to break down or if my DH were to die I’d be potentially dating as a single mother but I would honestly that would mean that a large amount of men would automatically rule me out and that’s fine.

Some of the threads on MN from women in blended families are quite shocking and I’m not sure people are really thinking clearly about what they are signing up for when they start dating someone who already has children.

ThreeLittleDots · 07/10/2021 17:07

Yes, I can see how you would be worried that he doesn't see you as an equal somehow. If you are kept 'secret' for much longer I would ditch him and tell him exactly why.

EmeraldShamrock · 07/10/2021 17:08

I think it is single parents.
When I was single I didn't really date men with DC.
I met DP at 26 if I was dating now at 40 it'd be hard to meet someone without DC plus I've 2 myself now.

1FootInTheRave · 07/10/2021 17:11

I was a single mum before I met dh.

I was 21, with a 3 year old, worked and I was at uni and had a mortgage etc.

I was asked out by almost every eligible (and not so eligible!) bachelor in my locality. All knew I was a single mother etc.

Not boasting and I didn't actually date anyone until dh. Just showing how my experience was very different.

Ozanj · 07/10/2021 17:14

There is definitely a stigma against single mums and single dads because it is assumed any man or woman who dates them will also need to share at least some of the parenting responsibilities for resident children. This is even more so if you are both young.

Ozanj · 07/10/2021 17:16

@1FootInTheRave

I was a single mum before I met dh.

I was 21, with a 3 year old, worked and I was at uni and had a mortgage etc.

I was asked out by almost every eligible (and not so eligible!) bachelor in my locality. All knew I was a single mother etc.

Not boasting and I didn't actually date anyone until dh. Just showing how my experience was very different.

Do you think they were all seriously interested? Not having a go but genuinely interested because my gorgeous cousin is also a single mum and while she gets lots of male interest none of it is for anything but casual sex. Sad
TurnUpTurnip · 07/10/2021 17:22

That’s probably what it was Ozanj... my mum use to say men like single mums as it means they “put out” 😡

Original poster
adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 17:26

@1FootInTheRave

I was a single mum before I met dh.

I was 21, with a 3 year old, worked and I was at uni and had a mortgage etc.

I was asked out by almost every eligible (and not so eligible!) bachelor in my locality. All knew I was a single mother etc.

Not boasting and I didn't actually date anyone until dh. Just showing how my experience was very different.

I also had some interest (probably significantly less so in my fourth decade compared to 21 Grin), but it all felt as they were looking for casual sex, not relationships. I also haven't dated anyone on purpose, this one is the first in 6 years and has grown quite organically, from a friendship. Maybe that's why I am a bit apprehensive now.
OP posts:
Rosesareyellow · 07/10/2021 17:28

Some idiots - like you’re partners family - have opinions that are stupid and hurtful. I don’t think that counts as a stigma though. Intelligent people don’t think like that. You can find someone better.

TractorAndHeadphones · 07/10/2021 17:32

@ThreeLittleDots

Yes, I can see how you would be worried that he doesn't see you as an equal somehow. If you are kept 'secret' for much longer I would ditch him and tell him exactly why.
This. I wouldn’t be happy with such a vague answer! And no OP you’re not feckless at all. Even if someone had 3 kids at 21 - people make mistakes , get left by boyfriends etc etc that shouldn’t be held against them. I don’t know though whether it’s actually ‘respectful’ of people to not date single mothers if they don’t want kids as part of the package. Presumably it’s better than using and ditching them if they want an LTR but that goes for any woman and shouldn’t assume that every single mum wants another relationship. Not relevant to you anyway…
TractorAndHeadphones · 07/10/2021 17:33

@Rosesareyellow

Some idiots - like you’re partners family - have opinions that are stupid and hurtful. I don’t think that counts as a stigma though. Intelligent people don’t think like that. You can find someone better.
Maybe his family/friends are prejudiced? Not him? Still tho he should be open with you.
funinthesun19 · 07/10/2021 17:34

Yes I think there is a stigma.

People would assume a single mum is trapping him for his money and needs him to save her and her kids. You just don’t see that attitude towards single dads. They’re seen as amazing but actually I think single dads are the ones to be wary of because of the way they pile all of their parenting duties on to their partner once they’ve sucked her in.

I’m a single mum and have been for two years now. I am wary of dating especially if it becomes serious.

1FootInTheRave · 07/10/2021 17:39

Some were probably after a casual fling but I met a fair few through my part time job that wanted more.

I didn't have any casual flings, not even a single date until I went out with dh. No reflection on them, I just wasn't interested in the opposite sex and wasn't ready to date.

It was an eye opener at the time tbh as my ex had spent the previous few years instilling in me how no one would want me as a single mum.

TheUnbearable · 07/10/2021 17:40

I think that some will judge but for me it’s not about that person being a failure or poor it just brings a level of complexity. Even if they have quite a decent relationship and co parent.

Ozanj my Mother in the 1950’s and 1960’s always managed to get men to not just date her but actually marry her. She was a terrible person really but she was really physically breathtakingly beautiful and a great wit. We were poor by the time she had me because there was six of us and she had fled a bad marriage. Her husband number four took on five dc. She was widowed when I was 13 and got a large insurance payout and his very good pension. She was actually engaged for a 5th time aged 65 but wouldn’t marry him as she would have lost his pension. She also had her own decent pension.

alligatorpeardrop · 07/10/2021 17:41

I don't think anyone with any integrity would view a single mother as someone of lesser social standing but I base that on mine, my friends and family's attitudes.

Blackopal · 07/10/2021 17:47

I think this comes from being slightly afraid of something and it making you uncomfortable.
Some people prefer to find reasons for things like 'single moms are feckless' as a way to distance themselves from the possibility of it. As in 'i am not feckless so this could never happen to me'.

1FootInTheRave · 07/10/2021 17:48

I disagree with the money seeking aspect too.

I was self sufficient in a massive way. Probably a bit too far the other way tbh.

I was only 21 though so very different to should I find myself single nearly 20 years later.

I do have a number of single pals around my age though. All of who are self sufficient financially. Home owners with jobs etc. Absolutely not seeking a step daddy for their dc.

They don't go short of offers either and have never expressed feeling they are stigmatised.

It would make more sense to stigmatise the absent fathers imo. Not the decent ones, but the ones who pay naff all and pretend the kids and ex don't exist. Won't happen anytime soon though imo.

Evesgarden · 07/10/2021 17:58

He is a dick OP. he should be showing off his young, financially independent woman - who by the way out earns him.

But instead he is trying to unsettle you by making you think other people may think you are not good enough for him - then wont discuss it further making you over think it.

Its honestly mad me feel so mad that you a feeling like this because of what he has said. Not all men think like this. I met Dh when I was a single parent and never ever felt like this.

funinthesun19 · 07/10/2021 18:17

I disagree with the money seeking aspect too.

Oh yes I disagree with it too. I only mentioned it because that’s what some people picture up when they think of single mums. I don’t actually think it myself!

It would make more sense to stigmatise the absent fathers imo. Not the decent ones, but the ones who pay naff all and pretend the kids and ex don't exist. Won't happen anytime soon though imo.

Totally agree. But even some of the fathers who are involved and see their children aren’t great either and they pile their parenting responsibilities on to their poor partners. This forum shows that time and time again. I’d be more worried about a female friend dating a single dad than I would be worried about a male friend dating a single mum.

Of course with both there will be exceptions. But I would bet all my money that there are far more single dads out there shirking their responsibilities and taking more than they give than there are single mums.

DriftingBlue · 07/10/2021 18:42

Social stigma or no social stigma doesn’t really matter. I think most people would admit that entering a serious relationship with someone with children is more complicated than entering a relationship with a childless individual. That alone is enough to make friends and family a bit nervous. That doesn’t mean it’s not a relationship worth pursuing and it doesn’t mean that the social network won’t be calmed once they see that the couple is doing a good job handling the child aspect of the developing relationship.

FreeAsAByrd · 07/10/2021 18:42

Personally, I'm in awe of single mothers than can raise kids. The time and the effort for doing that solo, plus in many cases financial challenges.

My DB dated and married a single mom. She's amazing!

Original poster
adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 18:46

I don’t know though whether it’s actually ‘respectful’ of people to not date single mothers if they don’t want kids as part of the package. Presumably it’s better than using and ditching them if they want an LTR but that goes for any woman and shouldn’t assume that every single mum wants another relationship.
Yes, I wasn't specifically looking for a relationship as such (not registered on the dating sites, not reciprocating any attempts from men in the wild - just no desire or time). It just somehow happened naturally and I was quite happy that it progressed slowly and without any undue pressure from any side.
Now I am concerned that maybe he's seeing it completely differently - as someone said above, just a single mum "putting out". I think now he was even genuinely surprised at first that I was surprised by his comment - as if he expected that we had an implicit understanding of me being "spoiled goods" of sorts, if that makes sense. Don't know how to explain it better.

OP posts:
Original poster
adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 18:49

@FreeAsAByrd

Personally, I'm in awe of single mothers than can raise kids. The time and the effort for doing that solo, plus in many cases financial challenges.

My DB dated and married a single mom. She's amazing!

Trying not to be weird with this question, but has there been no judgment from the wider family either? As in, thinking he could do better?
OP posts:
Original poster
adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 18:52

@Evesgarden

He is a dick OP. he should be showing off his young, financially independent woman - who by the way out earns him.

But instead he is trying to unsettle you by making you think other people may think you are not good enough for him - then wont discuss it further making you over think it.

Its honestly mad me feel so mad that you a feeling like this because of what he has said. Not all men think like this. I met Dh when I was a single parent and never ever felt like this.

Yes, it is the "not good enough" aspect that disturbs me a little bit. I did not think I am "not good enough", but clearly this might have been a thought on his side.
OP posts: