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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there a stigma in dating single mothers?

157 replies

adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 16:27

Not British, so need some cultural guidance. Also probably quite unexperienced relationship wise, so apologies in advance for a stupid question.

Someone I have been dating for a couple of months now (my first relationship after a couple of years spent single), said that he is unsure about how to introduce me to his friends and family, as being in a relationship with a single mother is likely to raise quite a few eyebrows. For clarity, I did not press him or raise this topic, he just said it when we were discussing friendships in general. I asked why, but he just kept changing the topic without giving a specific answer.

I thought this was going well - progressed organically from just casually knowing each other to friends and then to romance - but now unsure. And, to be honest, almost on the brink of quitting this relationship.

He does not have children himself, I have two (quite young), and the relationship is light years away from them being introduced. My question is whether he hinted that there's some sort of a general stigma, or could he have meant something like "I have never been paternal so they'd be surprised"?

OP posts:
Poetrypatty · 07/10/2021 21:00

So. Got a vague answer about that his circle being very conservative and his friends and family probably don't even know any single mothers socially so won't know what to think and how to be around me.
I am still not quite clear what it means. Feeling just ridiculously socially inept.

It's not you it's him. This man is in his 50s ffs. Sounds like an arse. How does he not know any single parents. I would consider binning him because next he will be making you feel like you're grateful to have him. You deserve better. It's not a language barrier he's just a dickhead.

Original poster
adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 21:06

@TractorAndHeadphones

Well done for messaging him OP! What is his circle like - perhaps they are prejudiced? For example many people consider anybody who doesn't fit the standard 'below their league'. Whether the standard is race, looks, single parenthood etc etc. Most of my family for example (although a different culture, not British) all married young, had kids and stayed with husbands. Divorce etc unheard of. They don't know any single mums. Perhaps his circle has made judgey comments.

The important thing is that you hash it out. Ask him what he's going to do about it. Or even - he may be overthinking it and they're all going to be perfectly polite. To your face, anyway.

What you can do is meet them and see how you get on. Unless he's refusing evene that.

I think he's from a very typical middle class family, but obviously cannot analyse in detail by not being local. From what I know, his late dad was a bank clerk, his mum a housewife, his sister is a teacher. All live in Midlands, while we are in London. I know little about friends, haven't met any of them (but also - lockdown and then holiday season). All of them are around his age, I wonder if they would naturally be a little bit more old school about single parenthood.
OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/10/2021 21:23

I wouldn’t have said there was a stigma. I would have said some people are warey of baggage/ taking on responsibility for kids. Not really the same thing imo

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/10/2021 21:23

Also I think he’s being an arse and it’s a form of negging

Original poster
adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 21:28

It's not you it's him. This man is in his 50s ffs. Sounds like an arse. How does he not know any single parents. I would consider binning him because next he will be making you feel like you're grateful to have him. You deserve better. It's not a language barrier he's just a dickhead.
Not an arse - he's usually quite attentive and gentlemanly, but I do feel a bit weird about it now. As if he is mildly scandalised by the very idea of me and my world overlapping with his usual contacts, but tries to be very polite about it.

OP posts:
tiredandmardy · 07/10/2021 21:30

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Also I think he’s being an arse and it’s a form of negging
Agree…also part of the toolkit of RedPill, MGTOW and PUA sometimes.
Poetrypatty · 07/10/2021 21:35

As if he is mildly scandalised by the very idea of me and my world overlapping with his usual contacts, but tries to be very polite about it

Presumably he knows that the father of your child left you and you are in this position through no decision or fault of your own. It shows a lack of empathy to say what he's said and is unkind and judgmental. Also, if he's 50 with no kids then you'd think his family would be delighted he's met somebody with a kid, since it's likely too late for him to start a family of his own. It's not like he's 25! Negging, as pp said. Don't put up with it.

Iloveabourbon2 · 07/10/2021 21:43

Hmm I think they can be a stigma too.

But in your case OP if he is late 50s and you have young kids maybe he's unsure at this stage.

Has he stated why he doesn't have kids?

Original poster
adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 21:48

@Iloveabourbon2

Hmm I think they can be a stigma too.

But in your case OP if he is late 50s and you have young kids maybe he's unsure at this stage.

Has he stated why he doesn't have kids?

He actually wants kids of his own (I don't, or don't want yet). So we don't really discuss this topic in much detail, it is sensitive - discussed once and abandoned for now. I know that ideally he wants it to be a first time experience for his partner as well, so it is a difficult ground.
OP posts:
WhiskyXray · 07/10/2021 21:52

Ok... so he is just flat putting you down then.

esloquehay · 07/10/2021 21:55

This bloke is an absolute fucktard. He is ashamed of dating a financially independent solo parent?
Honestly, OP, you and your children deserve better than someone who looks down on you.

DeepaBeesKit · 07/10/2021 21:56

There is a stigma around dating single parents, particularly from the perspective of a childfree party. I don't think in the UK it's considered desirable to take on someone else's children, especially as if you want further children of your own it means a bigger family and that's less common these days (not to mention expensive). I think if I'd brought a single parent home as a partner to my parents for example they would have worried that that person wouldnt want more children with me & I would thus end up without bio kids of my own.

funinthesun19 · 07/10/2021 21:56

Yes see I 100% Agree with this but lots of people seem to say it’s the opposite and it’s harder for a woman dating a single father but I just can’t agree, woman are in 90% of cases the RP I don’t know any resident parent dads and despite what MN says 50/50 contact is still very unusual with most contact being EOW that is far more the norm

I really really disagree with this.
As I said upthread, a lot of men pass on their responsibilities to their partner which is seen time and time again on here. I spent 10 years of my life enduring a man like this and physically, emotionally, mentally and financially it drained the life out of me. My exdsc’s stepfather has a supportive hardworking partner and they have been a team all this time, whereas I was left to pretty much try and hold everything together on my own.
That was with plenty of input from the mother too.
Stepmums usually take a lot more flack from the mother too, which stepdads don’t from the dad.
Probably because the children’s mother know full well what the father is like and sees the stepmum as guilty by association.
It was a horrible experience that I know many women also go through at the hands of a lazy man.
Also with stepdads, they aren’t filling in for the mum like stepmums are forced to for dads. The mum gets on with parenting her children and the stepdad fits in nicely with their already established routines and life. Whereas the dad seizes the opportunity to laze about and do less.

So yeah, I do find it somewhat insulting that my own experience is minimised just because I was in a relationship with an NRP. The contact arrangement was 50/50 for the majority of that time, and even if it was only EOW, I still think my life would have been so much harder as a woman in a relationship in a man with a child.

I would be a lot more worried for my daughter than I would for my sons if any of them were to meet someone with children in the future. And that says a lot really.

I also know many women bringing up children alone with no input from the father, don’t personally know any men doing this but I’m sure it does happen but it is much less common, when a man dates a woman with kids he is taking on a lot more than a woman who probably only sees the step kids EOW, a step dad will move into the home with the children and spend far move time with them and financially supporting them

Iloveabourbon2 · 07/10/2021 21:57

I'm going to be honest and I know this is sort of double standards here but I will tell the truth anyway.

I have one DS and my first choice of preference is to date someone without kids however I wouldn't rule someone out if they had a child also.

Realistically as we all get older you have to perhaps drop your expectations to some extent. So he is 50s and has no kids but would like them? Why has he not had the opportunity to have children yet? This would be a red flag for me. How will it pan out as you have kids already OP.

I think topics like this need to be discussed early on other wise it's a waste of everyone's time.... so many threads on here that DHs are messing their wife's around saying they want a child then when it comes to the crunch they say no.

Annabellerina · 07/10/2021 21:57

As if he is mildly scandalised by the very idea of me and my world overlapping with his usual contacts, but tries to be very polite about it
I dated someone exactly like this for a few months. He was extremely reticent about me meeting his family. In the end he dumped me for a very minor thing - I think he'd had his fun, realised a single mother didn't really fit in with his desired lifestyle, and bowed out.

GrandmasCat · 07/10/2021 22:00

Haven’t read all the thread it my first thought is that you have to bin him NOW, if he doesn’t think you are enough because you are a mother, he shouldn’t have a place in your life.

Off to read the thread.

TurnUpTurnip · 07/10/2021 22:03

I think we will have to agree to disagree, unless the father is a single father resident parent or does share 50:50 then that is fair enough but like I said ime that is not the norm at all despite how common it is on Mumsnet. Most contact irl is EOW no one can claim to take on a role more than someone who is living with the children the rest of the time. If you did have 50/50 I already said that’s different but my experience is 50/50 is still unusual. Moving in and living with children dad in and day out is much more of a commitment than your partners children staying over EOW or even once a week, and like someone already said dating a single mum is also harder for the fact they are usually the RP who usually get very little time off, I’m a fully lone parent my ex is not involved at all, anyone dating me who have to take on a hell of a lot more than whoever dates my ex. 90% of RP are women according to gingerbread.

Original poster
adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 22:09

I think if I'd brought a single parent home as a partner to my parents for example they would have worried that that person wouldnt want more children with me & I would thus end up without bio kids of my own.
Yes, it might be a consideration here. His parents are not the driving force probably (dad passed away a long time ago and mum has dementia), but he says that his siblings and friends are really keen for him to start a family. In all honesty, he would probably be a good dad. I am not writing it off completely, but it is probably a "no" at the moment, and it will take a lot of soul-searching for me to consider having a third child.

OP posts:
eeek88 · 07/10/2021 22:11

I think it depends on the man, his circumstances and his social circle.

I’d be thrilled if my son’s single godfather met a nice single mum who was compatible with him because he loves kids, would be a great stepdad, and may not be able to have his own (tried with previous partner for years and it didn’t happen). I once asked him if he’d find a single mum off-putting and he said not at all, he’s interested in the whole package not just a woman to have sex with, and he’d be really up for being involved in the kids’ lives in a meaningful way.

But I have other single male friends who I just don’t think are mature enough for the responsibility, too selfish or too all about the sex. If they turned up with a single mum on their arm we’d all be rolling our eyes but it wouldn’t be because of her!

I suppose the lazy stereotype of a single mum is someone stressed or faintly irresponsible but surely anyone sensible can look beyond that and get to know the real woman before making a judgement about her worthiness. .

Original poster
adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 22:16

I think topics like this need to be discussed early on other wise it's a waste of everyone's time.... so many threads on here that DHs are messing their wife's around saying they want a child then when it comes to the crunch they say no.
Yes, agreed. We had an awkward discussion about having children three or so months in, and I for some stupid reason decided to gloss over it as I really liked him otherwise.

OP posts:
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 07/10/2021 22:18

I disagree with some of the blanket statements on this thread. I don't know what it's like when you have younger children, but if you are older (like 45 plus) then having children and being single is pretty much par for the course, or otherwise why would you be dating! Men say all the time on their profiles that they don't want more kids if they have kids, so someone with teenage children or better still left home, is quite desirable to them. I don't think men in their 50's are honestly likely to meet women without kids! Think about it, who are they going to match with, the under 30's. Ridiculous.

I think this man is trying to undermine you slightly, perhaps negging (so on purpose) or perhaps because he himself is an old-fashioned dick, who knows. But it will have the opposite effect.

It's a harder sell if you are a very young woman with young kids because a lot of men say under 40 will be looking to start afresh with someone, but not all. Over 45-50 age group, everyone has older kids, most are divorced, it's not a big issue IMO.

CallMeNutribullet · 07/10/2021 22:20

He thinks you're beneath him and his friends. Wondering what kind of bubble he lives I'm that he doesn't seem to realise there are millions of lone parents and his precious friends probably know plenty

Original poster
adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 22:22

I don't know what it's like when you have younger children, but if you are older (like 45 plus) then having children and being single is pretty much par for the course, or otherwise why would you be dating!
I am 36, he's 59, so no one here is particularly young, both are homeowners, reasonable careers (mine is probably a bit more volatile but more lucrative too).

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 07/10/2021 22:22

And I am sure you wouldn’t pass on everything to your partner if you ever had one. Women don’t tend to do this but men have this tendency to do it.
I do accept that if the stepmum only sees the children EOW it’s not as full on day to day, BUT the times they are there it’s not the dad parenting them it’s the stepmum and those days will be extremely full on for her.

I’m not a lone parent but I am a single mum and RP doing the absolute majority of parenting and my ex never has them which is a far cry from the 50/50 he had with his ex for their child.
So I know how much a man would have to accept if he was to get with me in that I wouldn’t have much free time to do things as a couple and that my life revolves around 4 children and he would have to slot in somewhere and go along with my life as a busy hardworking mum with very little support from my ex.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 07/10/2021 22:24

I don't think he thinks you are beneath him. I think he's probably single in his mid-fifties for a very good reason and is actually quite worried you might leave him so is creating barriers and uncertainties in you. His friends and family might be surprised he can get you- I bet you are younger, hotter, have a great accent and are a caring nice person.

He sounds old and old-fashioned, can't you do better than this, OP?