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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DS play on his switch in church?

241 replies

FatCatThinCat · 07/10/2021 15:34

I haven't done this, I'm trying to gauge how bad it would be. I haven't been to church in years and really want to start going again but there's not a chance with my DS as he's autistic and wouldn't sit still or quiet for more than 2 minutes. But if I let him have his switch with headphones he'll sit still and quiet for hours. But it's church so it feels really disrepectful. What do you think?

YANBU - he has a disability and he needs it get through the hour

YABU - are you having a laugh, of course you can't let him do this

OP posts:
Tempusfudgeit · 07/10/2021 21:22

I felt awkward breastfeeding my baby during church so I went right to the back and half-hid behind a pillar. After the service the vicar came to say hello and I mentioned it. She smiled and pointed behind me where there was a huge statue of Mary cradling the infant Jesus. It was fine.

Perhaps have a quiet word to the vicar explaining the situation, as previous have said, if the Church won't accommodate then it's not somewhere you want to be anyway.

Matildalamp · 07/10/2021 21:22

Everything @3WildOnes said. I immediately thought of the thread about coffee in church as well. I take my coffee with me on a Sunday morning, church is so much more relaxed than it used to be!

AliMonkey · 07/10/2021 21:25

I disagree with "best to let the rest of the congregation know". In my church, that would mean announcing a family's potentially private information to hundreds of people. That doesn't mean that over time, as a family settles into the church, that many of us don't get to know their circumstances. I've been in my church for 20+ years and there's probably 50-100 people who know about my teenage DS's issues, but that leaves many more who don't. I'm not ashamed of them, but I also think that he has the right to not have it announced to the whole church.

Antinerak · 07/10/2021 21:50

Churches are for everyone, if he's happy there playing on his switch then he should be welcomed.

SarahAndQuack · 07/10/2021 21:57

@PurpleDaisies

Perhaps contact the priest/vicar beforehand and say you're concerned people may wonder what's going on - that way they can perhaps welcome you by saying something like 'this is FatCat and her son who has autism and who'll be wearing these lovely orange headphones'

My goodness it must be depressing to be a member of a church where something like that is necessary.

Neurotypical or not, church services are dull for a lot of kids. I wonder if colouring books are also disrespectful.

It's not depressing, and it's not necessary either - just it might be helpful for the OP.

In my church, most people's automatic response to a child would be to try and involve them, be friendly, offer some pencils and paper or a toy (depending on age). The OP's son may not want this; he might well not want someone trying to come and shake his hand. That's why I suggested it.

My DD doesn't find church dull, but that's because she enjoys getting up and getting involved, doing the altar service, singing, joining in.

The whole point is that the OP's son shouldn't feel he can't be there unless he is joining in in a neurotypical way.

Tiggles · 07/10/2021 22:29

As a vicar I have to admit I find some of these responses quite depressing.
I would be quite happy for your son to turn up with his switch and his earphones whether he was NT or had autism. If or when he felt he wanted to engage with the service that would be great but I certainly wouldn't expect it.
If you wanted to come and chat to me before the service about your son's needs I would be happy to do that simply so I was aware and could hopefully help him to feel more comfortable, but I certainly wouldn't expect you to be at all apologetic or even feel the need to ask to use the switch. And I would hope that my congregation would not need me to point out LittleCat in his big head phones is autistic so ignore his headphones. They would accept him just as they would accept any child coming into a strange place for the first time, unsure what to do and needing reassurance, and over time demonstrate that actually we are one big family where every person however old, however young and however involved is equally loved and valued by God and them.
My teens are often on their phones during parts of the service as they don't actually find my sermons that engaging every week. Is that disrespectful? more honest I would say. It does often surprise me that they are actually often listening and we chat about it later.

Sockwomble · 07/10/2021 23:49

." I must admit that if I didn't know about their needs, I'd find it hard to accept a child sitting with a switch during a church service. But if I knew the circumstances I'd be more than welcoming to you both.”

You don't appear to have learnt much at church. Perhaps you should pay more attention to the service.

Balonzette · 07/10/2021 23:52

It would be absolutely fine at my church! Just explain to people, if you want to (although you don't have to!) It's a church! People will just be happy you're there. Smile

PinkSyCo · 08/10/2021 08:44

Thank God (sorry vicar) Tiggles isn’t as unchristianlike as half of their congregation is all I can say. Confused

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 08/10/2021 08:51

Talk to the church OP. Ask them

scully29 · 08/10/2021 11:06

Oh Tiggles thats such a lovely post!

DysmalRadius · 08/10/2021 11:21

'The glory that you have given me I have given them, so that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become completely one, so that the world may know that you have sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:20-23).'

This was what Jesus said about his disciples worshipping after his death - that unity demonstrates God's love. Those of you that would judge/not accept/find it personally disrespectful might be wise to bear in mind that there is no biblical caveat to exclude those who don't conform to their narrow ideas of who should be in God's family.

LittleGwyneth · 08/10/2021 12:15

Talk to the priest/vicar about it and see what they say.

HeyFloof · 08/10/2021 13:29

@VestaTilley

It is disrespectful.
It's really not.
HeyFloof · 08/10/2021 13:34

Any church that snubbed their nose at someone turning up to worship and doing what got them through is no church I'd want to be part of.

My DM is a vicar, I have lived my childhood in church and now spend half my life in there too. From my corner, you would be most welcome. My ds isn't NT, he has headphones if he needs them. He has a bag of lego, playdoh and little toys at church (all the kids have one). If he needed to take his tablet, we would take his tablet.

God is for everyone, church is for everyone. He saw you knitted you together in your mother's womb, for you are fearfully and wonderfully made! I hope the service is enjoyable.

3WildOnes · 08/10/2021 18:12

@VestaTilley Do you attend a church?

LegoSteppingStones · 08/10/2021 18:54

Our autistic young nephew sat through a full Catholic wedding with his headphones on. My only priority was him feeling safe and calm.
I couldn't care less what others thought.

YANBU

TheNinny · 08/10/2021 19:02

At mine many children pacified with books and or stickers/crayons during the sermon/prayers communion etc. Can’t see how an iPad with headphones is any different.

It’s crossed my mind to bring mine for my two year old. We can’t go very often just now and when we do she’s ok for about 15 mins before wanting to run riot. The iPad would at least keep her in place 😂🤷‍♀️

WaterScarf · 08/10/2021 19:04

If it's not switch it's Nintendo DS so yes it's absolutely fine. Anything to keep them quiet is more preferable to noisy DC and having to take them outside till they quiten down.

WaterScarf · 08/10/2021 19:05

It's not disrespectful at all everyone does it

WaterScarf · 08/10/2021 19:05

Or iPad or iPhones obvs too

LegoSteppingStones · 08/10/2021 19:08

"That. In your place I'd want the rest of the congregation to know, as well as the church leaders. Otherwise I'd feel as though people nearby were judging me. Any vicar worth his/her salt should be able to welcome your son sensitively and publicly, to ensure acceptance.

I must admit that if I didn't know about their needs, I'd find it hard to accept a child sitting with a switch during a church service. But if I knew the circumstances I'd be more than welcoming to you both."

It is absolutely none of your business why a child is wearing headphones in a church!
And they certainly don't need to explain their private life to you or anyone!

Orangejuicemarathoner · 08/10/2021 19:09

The only question that matters is, would Jesus be offended?

No he wouldn't - he would be pleased your son was there

Lightswitch123 · 08/10/2021 19:15

I'd run it past the priest but think if your DC really has such profound issues its likely they'd be supportive. Most churches have a devices off policy though for obvious reasons, so would be best to discuss in advance so everyone understood the need for an exception

HappySonHappyMum · 08/10/2021 19:28

As far as I'm concerned God made your son in his own image. He is as worthy of God's love as any other member of the congregation and so are you. If it would make you feel more comfortable go and speak to the Vicar beforehand introduce yourself and make him aware of your sons needs. I don't see any issue with taking a Switch at all - I hope you enjoy your first service at your new church.