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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to f* off by DH. AIBU?

283 replies

snapasnap · 07/10/2021 15:01

Hi everyone.

Yesterday, DH wanted to meet with a friend of his. I was happy to go, although I said only if the bar we met at had an outside space. We are both double vaccinated, however, I still feel better taking precautions like not eating/drinking in enclosed spaces.

We arrived, and the bar was completely indoors. Since DH friend was already there and with another group of people, I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours.

Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement, even though he knows how I feel about eating/drinking inside at the moment. His response was to tell me to 'fuck off' as apparently I'm an irritation to him.

To add context, I have my first annual leave in 9 months next week - and so I have been trying to be even more careful as I don't want to be unwell - and have been looking forward to some relaxation time for months.

AIBU to still feel like this even though I have had both vaccines?

OP posts:
TheBlackArt · 07/10/2021 18:48

I was just thinking this exact same thing! Who are all these couples who never swear? "Ooh Dave you absolute sponge". Am sitting here reading all these "How could he swear at his wife" comments, what the fuck?!

Thank God - some normality!

StampOnTheGround · 07/10/2021 18:49

I didn't realise people were still scared to go, sit down and have a meal inside in a small group. This post is depressing, get back out and enjoy life! 😂

lottiegarbanzo · 07/10/2021 18:50

OP, you haven't answered questions about who chose the bar, what your DH knew in advance and what you thought his motivations were?

LannieDuck · 07/10/2021 18:51

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

Do we know he knowingly lied?

Yes, OP said: "DH agreed that we would go somewhere outside and told me the venue was outside."

ShuddaBeenMe · 07/10/2021 18:51

Yeah. It's definitely completely U of you. You do need help with your health anxiety. It's not normal Thanks

Original poster
snapasnap · 07/10/2021 18:51

@lottiegarbanzo

The bit I don't quite understand is why, if your leave is next week, you wouldn't be able to stay far enough away from him between now and then, to avoid catching anything he's picked up. Is it that you live in one bedroom flat with no spare bed?

If you're able to keep a bit of distance, it's not inevitable that you would catch anything he does.

Considering how many times I've been called controlling, I find this a strange suggestion tbh.

So you're proposing I tell him that if he goes out I won't sleep with him, I won't go near him, and we'll have no contact?

OP posts:
Original poster
snapasnap · 07/10/2021 18:52

@StampOnTheGround

I didn't realise people were still scared to go, sit down and have a meal inside in a small group. This post is depressing, get back out and enjoy life! 😂
In a small group I am not scared.

This was a packed bar, with people dancing, moving about without a mask and no social distancing.

It wasn't a dinner party at home.

OP posts:
Offmyfence · 07/10/2021 18:52

If you knew the bar you were going to, you could easily have checked! I'm not sure I'd want to be sitting outside on an October evening!

You're going to be very bored during the winter, if you don't want to go into crowded places.

Your DH shouldn't have sworn but I'd be irritated.

Original poster
snapasnap · 07/10/2021 18:53

@lottiegarbanzo

OP, you haven't answered questions about who chose the bar, what your DH knew in advance and what you thought his motivations were?
DH said that it had outside space, but if it didn't, we would go somewhere else. When we arrived, neither of those promises were respected.
OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 07/10/2021 18:53

Why not? That's not about controlling what he does (is it? Do you have form for that?). It's about you being an autonomous person who is keen to take responsibility for her own health. Particularly so for the next week. That's not a long time.

Offmyfence · 07/10/2021 18:54

[quote LannieDuck]@WhenISnappedAndFarted

Do we know he knowingly lied?

Yes, OP said: "DH agreed that we would go somewhere outside and told me the venue was outside."[/quote]
I'm sure OP was able to look at the venue?

Expecting friends and her DH to sit outside in October is completely unreasonable!

lottiegarbanzo · 07/10/2021 18:54

What do you think his motivation was OP? Why do you think he did this to you?

icedcoffees · 07/10/2021 18:55

I do not control where DP goes out.

You've said you don't want him to socialise indoors. How is that not controlling? He's an adult - it's not your decision to make.

Wife2b · 07/10/2021 18:56

If you’re like this about a small get together having been double vaccinated, I imagine you’re strict with other things covid related too. In the nicest way OP, I’m not surprised he’s flipped his lid, he’s probably had enough of being controlled. He shouldn’t of swore at you, but you were completely unreasonable to expect him to dictate to his friends where they should go, people want to get on with their lives. You ruined what sounded like a nice time.

lescompagnonsdeloue · 07/10/2021 18:58

@Offmyfence

If you knew the bar you were going to, you could easily have checked! I'm not sure I'd want to be sitting outside on an October evening!

You're going to be very bored during the winter, if you don't want to go into crowded places.

Your DH shouldn't have sworn but I'd be irritated.

That ridiculous. Why shouldn't she trust her husband?
Squirrelblanket · 07/10/2021 18:58

The fatality rate for covid is tiny. You sound absolutely unhinged. Your poor husband.

Original poster
snapasnap · 07/10/2021 18:58

@lottiegarbanzo

What do you think his motivation was OP? Why do you think he did this to you?
I think he clearly doesn't have all that much respect for my point of view. He could have been honest and transparent before we left - certainly on the promise that if there was no outdoor space, we'd find somewhere there was.

I trusted DH on the venue - again, I'm called controlling, but then I'm advised to start googling everything DH says to confirm he is telling the truth.

And yes, I do think it'd be controlling to essentially punish him for going out by refusing to sleep with him, or go near him. Which is why I had the conversation before to make sure we were in agreement about going out, and there wouldn't be any issues.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 07/10/2021 18:58

And what does he say his motivation was? What has he said about the potential impact on your week of leave?

How do you feel about his explanation?

Justmuddlingalong · 07/10/2021 18:58

I don't think you're controlling, but by calmly noting your disappointment afterwards, I think it's a roundabout way of curtailing his behaviour.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 07/10/2021 18:59

You sound like a right fun sponge

I'd be pissed off with you too if I was your DH. You sound bloody hard work

HappyintheHills · 07/10/2021 18:59

There was that moment when you realised they were indoors, shouldn’t you have spoken to DH then? It needn’t have made a scene, the two of you could have decided what to do together.

EverlastingSatisfaction · 07/10/2021 19:01

He was wrong to tell you to fuck off. I can't imagine having a relationship with a man who said this to anyone, never mind me (other than in jest).

However, you are - as you know - being controlling and completely unreasonable to foist your Covid views onto him. Like many PP, I have no idea why you even had to go at all, but I know lots of couples are like this.

If you are really keen to try to ensure that you don't catch anything in time for your leave (and I know it's rubbish being ill in one's rare time off), I think you'd have to go and live in a sterilised box for a while. Though even then, there are no guarantees of anything.

Turkishangora · 07/10/2021 19:03

Are you vulnerable op is that why you're scared? Or do you have regular contact with vulnerable people and want to protect them? If it's either of those things I understand. If not then you're yet another unbearable covid control freak who respects everyone to cow tow to their fear. You sound like a nightmare. I don't blame your DH. I no longer spend time with covid fear mongers. It's too energy draining. However your DH doesn't have much choice.

toocold54 · 07/10/2021 19:04

I think he clearly doesn't have all that much respect for my point of view.

Did you say anything when you got there?
If you just walked in like everything was fine then he probably thought that was because you thought everything was fine.

I get that it could have caused drama to say something at the time but there’s no point doing it and then blaming someone else afterwards.
You either say something beforehand or say nothing. As you freely went along with it then it’s more your fault than DHs.

Original poster
snapasnap · 07/10/2021 19:04

I think I will leave it there.

I was asking for opinions - not a character assassination.

Thank you to all of those who while saying they think I am being unreasonable, did so in a respectful way, and made their point without attacking me. I genuinely wanted another perspective on it, and have no problem with people saying they disagree with my viewpoint and/or how I approached things.

OP posts:
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