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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Told to f* off by DH. AIBU?

283 replies

snapasnap · 07/10/2021 15:01

Hi everyone.

Yesterday, DH wanted to meet with a friend of his. I was happy to go, although I said only if the bar we met at had an outside space. We are both double vaccinated, however, I still feel better taking precautions like not eating/drinking in enclosed spaces.

We arrived, and the bar was completely indoors. Since DH friend was already there and with another group of people, I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours.

Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement, even though he knows how I feel about eating/drinking inside at the moment. His response was to tell me to 'fuck off' as apparently I'm an irritation to him.

To add context, I have my first annual leave in 9 months next week - and so I have been trying to be even more careful as I don't want to be unwell - and have been looking forward to some relaxation time for months.

AIBU to still feel like this even though I have had both vaccines?

OP posts:

TheBlackArt · 07/10/2021 18:09

@Viviennemary

Sorry but I couldnt tolerate this level of Covid fear in a partner and for no good reason. I would find it really stressful. In fact I would call it a day. Never mind swear. I couldn't stand it.

Same. How tiresome.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2021 18:13

@NCBlossom

Also, it is not health anxiety not to want to go into bars or restaurants currently, even fully vaccinated.

It is completely sensible behaviour.

The bars and restaurants aren’t open because it is good for Public Health. It’s not, overall it increases transmission and will result in some severe cases. They are open to help the businesses, not those who go in them. The workers and industry need to open as the balance between jobs lost, whole sectors going under is also a risk, so it’s a trade off.

Read the rest of the OP's posts.

She's also imposing her rules on her husband

That's not 'completely sensible behaviour'. It's bloody controlling.

ChequerBoard · 07/10/2021 18:14

@Awalkintime

No such thing as health anxiety as a condition, you are free to choose how to live your life and if you are concerned then you are within your rights to say this. Everyone who says you shouldn't be concerned about covid are not living your life.

Daft post of the day award.

Of course there is a condition called Health Anxiety! Just because you haven't heard if it, doesn't mean it isn't a real thing!!

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/health-anxiety/

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2021 18:14

Sorry @NCBlossom, I missed your follow up post.

Cryalot2 · 07/10/2021 18:15

Yes covid can be caught a second time despite being vaccinated. But the vaccine does give you protection.
We have all had it and very bad at that and we did lose loved ones and are left with degrees of long covid. But despite having medical conditions Dh and I and other family eat out indoors. We do not want to be ill but realise you can catch it anywhere. Atm, supermarkets or work, you name it. Yes be careful, but strike a balance. I can under you are building up to your annual leave (which I hope lives up to your expectations) and you really do enjoy your planned time.
Your dh was wrong to say what he said, but many of us have said and got said to us things in the heat of the moment.
Could you have anxiety? No one wants to catch it or indeed anything and personally just keep your hygiene standards and perhaps once on your leave you can relax, otherwise speak to your gp for advice..

SummerBluez · 07/10/2021 18:18

I find it so sad that people are scared to be in an indoor space. Are you going to live the rest of your life like this?

Northernparent68 · 07/10/2021 18:21

@NCBlossom

Also, it is not health anxiety not to want to go into bars or restaurants currently, even fully vaccinated.

It is completely sensible behaviour.

Seriously? So are you ever going out again ?

TopBlogger · 07/10/2021 18:22

Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement

What did you hope to achieve by doing this?

TheGrumpyGoat · 07/10/2021 18:23

They are open to help the businesses, not those who go in them

And I’m happy to support those businesses , while having a good time in the process!

NCBlossom · 07/10/2021 18:24

@WorraLiberty thanks, yes I guess there were a few ‘bits’ to the OPs, to pick apart!

JudgementalCactus · 07/10/2021 18:24

@Awalkintime

It's called illness anxiety disorder and it's listed in the DSM. You are wrong.

lescompagnonsdeloue · 07/10/2021 18:28

@snapasnap

Happy to agree that I need to relax about things.

My primary concern has been the fact I've been really looking forward to having a week of leave after 9 months without a day off (minus weekends) - and I really don't want it to be ruined. Due to staff shortages in my team, I won't be able to reschedule it if I am unwell, so it'd just be lost time. I work remotely - and as it is, I work every single time I am feeling unwell - this has included a vomiting bug and an incident where I passed out (but was back working 2 hours later). So yes, if I am ill next week, I will be really upset.

DH knows how much I've been looking forward to it and it's been the only thing keeping me going over the last couple of months tbh.

You're in Britain. Britain is weird and stands out in the way covid is being allowed to rampage at the moment. There was an article in the New York Times yesterday which basically said that. On an international level, Britain, once again, comes over as doing strange stuff. I don't get what you are all thinking. I live in France where people aren't making an effort to get covid, unlike what the UK looks like. Totally insane. I don't think you need to relax about things, you're fine.

NCBlossom · 07/10/2021 18:31

@Northernparent68 yes I go out! But I eat outside and drink outside. If it’s a really important do, then I will make an exception, and then I’ll make sure not to be around people for the next couple of days. All pretty sensible stuff. Mainly because I don’t want to transmit to my immunocompromised relations, and also because we are still in a pandemic and vaccines alone are not the way out of this. Most other countries are wearing masks on public transport, most European countries are sending primary and secondary kids to school in masks, many are making sure that there are better ventilation or HEPA filters in indoor spaces.

To be honest it needs people like me to still be careful - to balance out others who are not being careful at all. If we all went out it would be totally unmanageable. We are at capacity in most hospitals and this will keep going for many months. I’ve been working behind the scenes in the pandemic and most in public health are the same, most are avoiding bars etc. We all know, unfortunately, that some mitigations are still necessary, although now it’s more personal decisions.

Jasper2005 · 07/10/2021 18:34

I think the main thing is that you went in anyway, had a nice evening (at least, in his eyes) and then on the way home had a go at him about it. That’s a really good way to ruin anyone’s evening, and takes away any happiness he had enjoyed from seeing his friends.
Look, it’s not alright to tell your partner to F off. But me and my dh have said it to each other on a few occasions. I think you sound a bit controlling tbh, especially with the implication that if you didn’t go in he shouldn’t go in either because someone MIGHT have covid and they MIGHT give it to you and then you MIGHT catch it.
Honestly you’re in more danger driving down the road.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/10/2021 18:34

The bit I don't quite understand is why, if your leave is next week, you wouldn't be able to stay far enough away from him between now and then, to avoid catching anything he's picked up. Is it that you live in one bedroom flat with no spare bed?

If you're able to keep a bit of distance, it's not inevitable that you would catch anything he does.

NCBlossom · 07/10/2021 18:35

@SummerBluez

I find it so sad that people are scared to be in an indoor space. Are you going to live the rest of your life like this?

Shops are fine. Most workplaces are fine (low amount of people, ventilation) Visiting people is generally fine but if it’s an unvaccinated/vulnerable person, just leave a couple of days between a big social do and visiting them. Restaurants and bars - relatively high risk indoors. Personal choice really, but just know that this is higher risk. Vaccinations are very good at preventing severe illness, but not 100% and you can still transmit. So fine to go out but make it an informed choice.

lescompagnonsdeloue · 07/10/2021 18:39

@SummerBluez

I find it so sad that people are scared to be in an indoor space. Are you going to live the rest of your life like this?

Are you always this negative? It took a year to find a vaccine, there will be new treatments too soon, what on earth makes you think this is a situation that will last? I think it's weird to have zoomed back to normal with no precautions. Have you seen your figures?

QueenofKattegat · 07/10/2021 18:41

@Soontobe60

Blimey, me and my DH should clearly have got divorced years ago! We regularly tell,each other to fuck off when we’re annoyed with each other. It’s usually followed by a quick swearing battle, then a bit of a sulk, then a hug and apology towards each other. It’s a way to let off steam, not murder!

I was just thinking this exact same thing! Who are all these couples who never swear? "Ooh Dave you absolute sponge". Am sitting here reading all these "How could he swear at his wife" comments, what the fuck?! 🤣

QueenofKattegat · 07/10/2021 18:43

@SummerBluez

I find it so sad that people are scared to be in an indoor space. Are you going to live the rest of your life like this?

Sad isn't it. Either they've never heard of other viruses, or they think this particular one will pack up and leave at some point in the future and then they can stop being "cautious".

Mummy7777 · 07/10/2021 18:44

YABU. You stayed for 2hours cos you didn't wish to cause an atmosphere but by making an issue once you had left you've caused exactly that.

cansu · 07/10/2021 18:45

God, you sound hard work. If you don't want to go out, stay in. I would be a bit irritated about you making a fuss about this after the fact. Most people are not going to want to be outside in October. Unless you have friends who share your anxiety about indoor eating and drinking, you really shouldn't be imposing this on others.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 07/10/2021 18:45

In the nicest possible way op . You seriously need to give your head a wobble.
Unless you cut yourself off, from everyone and everything you will not be risk free. Ever!
So just live your life

toocold54 · 07/10/2021 18:45

You were not wrong to not want to get ill before your annual leave - I would be exactly the sane and it’s bit just Covid going around at the minute.

You were wrong to be annoyed at your DH for doing it when you did it too - you could have said as soon as you got there “oh it’s indoors which I didn’t want to do” and then he could have chosen to go in without you or leave too but you waited until afterwards to moan about it.

TheGrumpyGoat · 07/10/2021 18:46

On an international level, Britain, once again, comes over as doing strange stuff

Says someone who lives in France, where they steal 5 million vaccine doses out of spite .

Original poster

snapasnap · 07/10/2021 18:48

I do not control where DP goes out.

I was invited, and I accepted the invite as DP said he wanted me to come. As I have said, I made the request we sat outdoors. DH agreed and said he'd make sure we did. We arrived and that went out the window.

As I was already there, it would have caused far more drama for me to refuse to go in, and head back home. I did not cause any friction or tension while we there - nor did I set out to 'ruin' the evening. And yes, I was quite calm when we went home - all I said was that I was disappointed that he had promised it'd be outside, and then when we got there it wasn't.

While clearly I am in a minority here, I don't think I need therapy because I'd rather minimise my risks of getting ill with a highly infectious virus which has hospitalised (and killed) many people. I don't try and stop other people living their lives as they wish - but I also don't think it hurts to respect my feelings if we're both going out together.

OP posts:

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