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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to f* off by DH. AIBU?

283 replies

snapasnap · 07/10/2021 15:01

Hi everyone.

Yesterday, DH wanted to meet with a friend of his. I was happy to go, although I said only if the bar we met at had an outside space. We are both double vaccinated, however, I still feel better taking precautions like not eating/drinking in enclosed spaces.

We arrived, and the bar was completely indoors. Since DH friend was already there and with another group of people, I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours.

Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement, even though he knows how I feel about eating/drinking inside at the moment. His response was to tell me to 'fuck off' as apparently I'm an irritation to him.

To add context, I have my first annual leave in 9 months next week - and so I have been trying to be even more careful as I don't want to be unwell - and have been looking forward to some relaxation time for months.

AIBU to still feel like this even though I have had both vaccines?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 07/10/2021 19:04

XP there.

Well, yes, it reads as though he's exasperated with you and has lost patience with you (just when you most need it in advance of your leave). I can also understand though, that he was keen to see his friends and didn't want to start ordering them out of that bar to go and find somewhere you deemed suitable.

He should have been more honest about his 'playing it by ear' approach (and almost certainly not having communicated your wishes clearly, or at all, to his friends) before setting out.

Were I you I would be unhappy.

seaandsandcastles · 07/10/2021 19:04

certainly on the promise that if there was no outdoor space, we'd find somewhere there was.

You expected him to move the entire group just because you’re anxious? Is this a joke?!

lescompagnonsdeloue · 07/10/2021 19:06

@TheGrumpyGoat

On an international level, Britain, once again, comes over as doing strange stuff

Says someone who lives in France, where they steal 5 million vaccine doses out of spite Grin.

So you don't think it's at all odd, that Britain has 33 000 covid cases and France has 4800? For example. I mean the USA has 70 000. Everything is hunky dory and let's all give Boris a big pat on the back? Anybody who doesn't want to go and sit in a crowded bar is a weirdo? This is why Britain is looking weird with your mask free school and open bars.
lifeinlimbo2020 · 07/10/2021 19:08

@lescompagnonsdeloue Oh give over. With such a high percentage of the population double vaccinated and the figures as they are it is time to live life. You stay in France love.

TheGrumpyGoat · 07/10/2021 19:10

So you don't think it's at all odd, that Britain has 33 000 covid cases and France has 4800? For example. I mean the USA has 70 000. Everything is hunky dory and let's all give Boris a big pat on the back? Anybody who doesn't want to go and sit in a crowded bar is a weirdo? This is why Britain is looking weird with your mask free school and open bars

That has absolutely nothing to do with what I posted, which was about Macron stealing vaccine doses (of a vaccine that he said was useless and didn’t want). That is weird behaviour.

TheGrumpyGoat · 07/10/2021 19:16

And no, i don’t think it’s ‘odd’ that we have more cases than you. It’s a direct result of Boris’ mismanagement of the pandemic.
I didn’t say Boris needs a pat on the back, he’s an arsehole. Just thought it was amusing that you consider us so weird when your own government is equally as fucked up 😂

ClemDanFango · 07/10/2021 19:19

You chose to stay where you weren’t comfortable then had a go at your H? You’re an adult stop blaming others for your choices. He shouldn’t had said fuck off. He had a right to be annoyed at your behaviour but fuck off is rude and disrespectful.

SummerBluez · 07/10/2021 19:22

Yes we're the odd ones for not masking our children for 8 hours a day. Yes, how odd.

Or perhaps how normal.

MrsLCSofLichfield · 07/10/2021 19:22

This country isn't normal. It's a fucking shit show.

SummerBluez · 07/10/2021 19:24

@MrsLCSofLichfield oh I love it Smile long may the freedom continue.

Osrie · 07/10/2021 19:30

So he lied and then swore aggressively. YANBU.

AutumnAlmanack · 07/10/2021 19:32

OP- I entirely sympathise with you. Although we have started to go back to pubs, there is NO way I will sit inside, even if I have to wear a coat outside. I am still very, very wary of other people. and guess who are the sensible ones? You and me, OP!

BoredZelda · 07/10/2021 19:34

Also presumably if it was that important to the OP she could have Googled the venue and found out it didn't have an outdoor area?

And so could he, given he agreed to it.

People bleating about health anxiety and “Covid nuts”, even if it were the case, you think just telling OP to get over it is the right way to go? Do you normally blame people for their mental health issues?

OP, he let you down then swore at you when you called him out on it. Regardless of your reasons, that’s not ok.

BoredZelda · 07/10/2021 19:35

Oh, and not wanting to put yourself in a position to be ill through your first time off in 9 months, isn’t unreasonable.

singlemama91 · 07/10/2021 19:36

YANBU. You shouldnt allow any man to tell you to fuck off hun. Especially if its your DH! He owes you an apology and your right to be upset about it

Offmyfence · 07/10/2021 19:36

@BoredZelda

Also presumably if it was that important to the OP she could have Googled the venue and found out it didn't have an outdoor area?

And so could he, given he agreed to it.

People bleating about health anxiety and “Covid nuts”, even if it were the case, you think just telling OP to get over it is the right way to go? Do you normally blame people for their mental health issues?

OP, he let you down then swore at you when you called him out on it. Regardless of your reasons, that’s not ok.

If an adult has an issue, then they should deal with it!

I've got a severe allergy do I ask someone else to ensure that a food I eat is safe ...... no I ask and deal with it myself, like an adult.

Mental health illness is just the same as any other illness and OP is able to manage her own issues, to suggest she can't is treating her like a fool. People with mental health illness are not fools and are perfectly able to manage their illness.

Offmyfence · 07/10/2021 19:38

@AutumnAlmanack

OP- I entirely sympathise with you. Although we have started to go back to pubs, there is NO way I will sit inside, even if I have to wear a coat outside. I am still very, very wary of other people. and guess who are the sensible ones? You and me, OP!
I'm going in pubs, not been ill, living my life!

I'm also sensible........

Confiscatedpopit · 07/10/2021 19:57

@AutumnAlmanack

OP- I entirely sympathise with you. Although we have started to go back to pubs, there is NO way I will sit inside, even if I have to wear a coat outside. I am still very, very wary of other people. and guess who are the sensible ones? You and me, OP!
Can I ask- when are you planning on going back to normal life? What needs to change for you?
Stickyblue1987 · 07/10/2021 19:59

I think if you felt that strongly you should've stuck to your guns and left, but you didn't. You're a grown woman. No point sitting there seething when you can vote with your feet.

Your dh shouldn't have swore at you though, but I probably would've told my dh something less sweary (but with the same intent!).

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2021 21:14

No he doesn’t respect your anxiety why should he? However he should stop inviting you out with him snd his mates

I’d certainly find your behaviour tiresome but I’d simply not invite you out rather than put up with the hassle of it.

BoredZelda · 07/10/2021 21:36

If an adult has an issue, then they should deal with it!

By just getting over it apparently

I've got a severe allergy do I ask someone else to ensure that a food I eat is safe ...... no I ask and deal with it myself, like an adult.

So the legal requirement for restaurants to put allergy advice on their menus came out of nowhere, did it? Same with other food producers. That should all disappear because you are happy to play Russian roulette with your allergy?

Mental health illness is just the same as any other illness and OP is able to manage her own issues, to suggest she can't is treating her like a fool. People with mental health illness are not fools and are perfectly able to manage their illness.

She did manage it. She asked her husband to choose a suitable venue which he agreed to do and he completely ignored her. She then managed it by doing what she had to, to get through the evening rather than making a scene and leaving. Only afterwards did she point out, quite reasonably that he had completely ignored her needs. Not managing it would have been refusing to go, or having a meltdown in there. What more do you expect of her?

BoredZelda · 07/10/2021 21:37

I’d certainly find your behaviour tiresome but I’d simply not invite you out rather than put up with the hassle of it.

Nice. Would you really treat your partner with such contempt?

Offmyfence · 07/10/2021 21:47

@BoredZelda

If an adult has an issue, then they should deal with it!

By just getting over it apparently

I've got a severe allergy do I ask someone else to ensure that a food I eat is safe ...... no I ask and deal with it myself, like an adult.

So the legal requirement for restaurants to put allergy advice on their menus came out of nowhere, did it? Same with other food producers. That should all disappear because you are happy to play Russian roulette with your allergy?

Mental health illness is just the same as any other illness and OP is able to manage her own issues, to suggest she can't is treating her like a fool. People with mental health illness are not fools and are perfectly able to manage their illness.

She did manage it. She asked her husband to choose a suitable venue which he agreed to do and he completely ignored her. She then managed it by doing what she had to, to get through the evening rather than making a scene and leaving. Only afterwards did she point out, quite reasonably that he had completely ignored her needs. Not managing it would have been refusing to go, or having a meltdown in there. What more do you expect of her?

  1. Not by getting over it but by managing OPS issue, it's her issue not her DPS, she needs to deal with it, I never said get over it. Stop with the hyperbole .
  1. I meant I don't trust friends, DH to ask about ingredients for me, as an adult with an issue, I ask myself.
  1. She didn't manage it, she sat there for two hours, then had a go at her OP. That would be like me eating peanuts, becoming ill and blaming my DH, because I didn't want to make a fuss.

I expect her as an adult with a health issue, to mange it herself, not cry after the event and blame others.

toocold54 · 07/10/2021 22:37

Can I ask- when are you planning on going back to normal life? What needs to change for you?

Remember it’s not just the fear of catching it because they might get ill.

For a lot of people they won’t get paid whilst they’re isolating, they may have vulnerable family members, want to go on holiday or to an event which requires a negative test or just don’t want to isolate for 10 days as their MH has suffered and being stuck indoors even more would really affect them. There’s lots of different reasons why people don’t want to catch covid.

I think people jump to the conclusion that people have anxiety simply because they’re worried about getting poorly when in a lot of cases it’s so much more than that.

PinkiOcelot · 07/10/2021 22:41

Why didn’t you just stay at home and let your DH go out and enjoy himself?!