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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to f* off by DH. AIBU?

283 replies

snapasnap · 07/10/2021 15:01

Hi everyone.

Yesterday, DH wanted to meet with a friend of his. I was happy to go, although I said only if the bar we met at had an outside space. We are both double vaccinated, however, I still feel better taking precautions like not eating/drinking in enclosed spaces.

We arrived, and the bar was completely indoors. Since DH friend was already there and with another group of people, I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours.

Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement, even though he knows how I feel about eating/drinking inside at the moment. His response was to tell me to 'fuck off' as apparently I'm an irritation to him.

To add context, I have my first annual leave in 9 months next week - and so I have been trying to be even more careful as I don't want to be unwell - and have been looking forward to some relaxation time for months.

AIBU to still feel like this even though I have had both vaccines?

OP posts:
NCBlossom · 08/10/2021 00:43

Wow some of these responses are really mean!

The more you post OP, the more normal you sound to be honest. Obviously none of us know both sides of the story, but if he really did promise you it would be outside, and it wasn’t and you still went ahead but were fine and sociable, then he is definitely being unreasonable.

NCBlossom · 08/10/2021 00:49

But just to respond to the assertion that ‘sitting in a small group inside’ isn’t risky…

…it is actually quite high risk. The ‘small group’ is not grasping how the virus transmits, it’s airborne, it travels far in a small space and hangs around, especially with people talking. So in a restaurant you are easily exposing yourself to 50 people upwards, in a high risk environment. And with Delta as transmissible and prevalent, then if you went out every week there’s a high chance you’d get covid or not realise it and transmit it on.

If you drank outside, and had friends for dinner, went to work, drove your car, went on holiday, went to the shops, then you would have a relatively low chance you’d get covid / transmit it on.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/10/2021 00:56

@Osrie

So he lied and then swore aggressively. YANBU.
This. You made the mistake of mentioning Vaccines OP.

I'm laughing at the people telling you to control your health anxiety - whilst the pandemic continues. Pass the horse tranks.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/10/2021 01:33

I’ve read all of the OP’s posts and was going pick out all the contradictions, but FFS I’d be here all night…

Let’s just say I feel sorry for the husband at this point and don’t for a second think he was out of line for voicing his exasperation.

FatBettyintheCoop · 08/10/2021 08:31

YANBU at all

The U.K. is bonkers frankly with the way they’ve ditched mask wearing and other sensible precautions because too many people now wrongly believe that being jabbed is the solution and it’s back to business as normal.

All you’ve done is increase the risk ten fold for all those adults and children with underlying health conditions for whom the covid vaccines don’t work.

Nice one! Hmm

billy1966 · 08/10/2021 10:03

OP,

I think lots of people are still wary.

That is ok too.

We don't swear at each other and we don't dismiss each others concerns, and we certainly wouldn't dream of just leaving each other behind and doing our own thing.

We have a very normal, ordinary respectful marriage.

The way he spoke to you was deeply unpleasant and unnecessary.

If he was frustrated with you he could have used his words instead of speaking to you like that.

Kindly meant, but if this is an example of his treatment and disregard of you, think long and hard about committing to a future with children.

Wishing you well.Flowers

DragonDoor · 08/10/2021 10:08

Taking Covid out of it for a moment...

Your DH knew where your comfort level was, you had discussed it. The activity you turned up for wasn’t what he said it would be. You went along with it, but afterwards said to him you were uncomfortable and he told you to fuck off. Did I get this right?

That’s really disrespectful and he lied to you.

It’s unclear if he actually knew in advance that the venue didn’t have outdoor seats, but regardless, he shouldn’t have told you there were. Like you said, you could have looked it up, but took his word for it.

Everyone has their own comfort levels when it comes to socialising now. Some people are more risk averse than others. Some people are more anxious than others.

Even if couples disagree with each other and have different perceptions of risk, it’s disrespectful to rail road over someone’s wishes.

If someone was scared of heights for example, it would be unreasonable for their partner to take them to a rooftop restaurant after having told them dining would be on the ground floor.

You did nothing wrong OP.

JudgementalCactus · 08/10/2021 10:22

@DragonDoor

Taking Covid out of it for a moment...

Your DH knew where your comfort level was, you had discussed it. The activity you turned up for wasn’t what he said it would be. You went along with it, but afterwards said to him you were uncomfortable and he told you to fuck off. Did I get this right?

That’s really disrespectful and he lied to you.

It’s unclear if he actually knew in advance that the venue didn’t have outdoor seats, but regardless, he shouldn’t have told you there were. Like you said, you could have looked it up, but took his word for it.

Everyone has their own comfort levels when it comes to socialising now. Some people are more risk averse than others. Some people are more anxious than others.

Even if couples disagree with each other and have different perceptions of risk, it’s disrespectful to rail road over someone’s wishes.

If someone was scared of heights for example, it would be unreasonable for their partner to take them to a rooftop restaurant after having told them dining would be on the ground floor.

You did nothing wrong OP.

That's a very good analogy.

Another one would be if OP were vegan and her husband had assured her the restaurant they were meeting friends at would have vegan options. Only to show up and realise they didn't.

Would OP still be called controlling and blamed for not checking the menu herself instead of trusting his word?

Skysblue · 08/10/2021 10:37

You feel how you feel re level of risk. It’s up to you where you go and it’s up to DH where he goes.

Tricking you by telling you the bar had outside space when it doesn’t was very disrespectful and a power play: basically he’s telling you that your feelings don’t matter and his do.

Swearing at you was awful :(

lifeinlimbo2020 · 08/10/2021 11:04

@MrsLCSofLichfield

This country isn't normal. It's a fucking shit show.
NZ and Australia are not normal. It will sweep through all of us at some point. If you are vaccinated hopefully you will suffer less. Maybe not. But if I got flu I could suffer really badly, much like when I had pneumonia or relatives that have died of cancer.
slashlover · 08/10/2021 11:42

I work remotely - and as it is, I work every single time I am feeling unwell - this has included a vomiting bug and an incident where I passed out (but was back working 2 hours later).

WTF?

CatNoBag · 08/10/2021 12:00

I have never known as many people who are currently isolating having tested positive as I do this week. Luckily they are all double jabbed and mostly suffering mild symptoms (though I do know someone who was double jabbed and very unwell with it recently too). I'm in the same place as the OP in still avoiding crowded indoor places as much as I possibly can, which isn't that difficult for me. My DH is classed vulnerable, as is my DM who is in her late 70s and asthmatic, so I don't want to pass it on to either of them (or anyone else for that matter) if I can help it, but also I'd really rather not be stuck indoors for 10 days if I do get it. Which I'm assuming is another reason for the OP to want to avoid a positive test just before she goes on Leave from a WFH job where she's stuck at home all day!

whenthedoveslie · 08/10/2021 15:13

Yes we're the odd ones for not masking our children for 8 hours a day. Yes, how odd.

Or perhaps how normal

It has become normal where I am in Europe. Our kids just got on with it and put whining adult anti-maskers to shame.

You use the word normal, there is nothing normal about the last 18m. But some of us have adjusted to a new normal for the greater good.

Some of the comments on here properly illustrate why the UK is looked upon the way it is.

OP, don't let people on here gaslight you into thinking you are unreasonable. Avoiding enclosed spaces like packed pubs is eminently sensible. Calling you a 'fun sponge' is puerile and indicative of why UK numbers are the way they are.

LaikO · 08/10/2021 15:19

You're not unreasonable, OP. The situation isn't all that better, it's still a pandemic after all and infections are rife in the UK, yet we can ditch masks and mix as usual.
I don't think you have health anxiety (I do), I think you're sensible. Even if covid is unlikely to kill you, I had a "mild" case and it was horrendous, nowhere near needing hospitalised, but I was miserable with it and would very much like to avoid a repeat of it.
I would be happy to go indoors these days, as long as I was sitting apart from other tables and it wasn't crowded, at a busy pub I'd 100% want to be outdoors. Your partner knew your wishes beforehand and agreed to them, then thought "sod it". Regardless of anything else, that was unreasonable of him.

Cadent · 08/10/2021 15:25

Funny how people will ALWAYS seek to blame the women even though this dickhead LIED to her when he ASSURED her there was an outdoor space.

He should have been grateful that OP didn’t up and leave and instead he told her to fuck off.

And of course all the typical handmaidens here are itching to excuse the man and blame the woman.

billy1966 · 08/10/2021 16:38

@Cadent

Funny how people will ALWAYS seek to blame the women even though this dickhead LIED to her when he ASSURED her there was an outdoor space.

He should have been grateful that OP didn’t up and leave and instead he told her to fuck off.

And of course all the typical handmaidens here are itching to excuse the man and blame the woman.

Couldn't agree more.

So many have the lowest relationship bar and have zero expectations of kindness nor courtesy in their relationship.

I can't think of a single friend of mine who would tell their husband to fxck off or accept being told to fxxk off, in anger.

Such an awful way to speak to someone you supposedly care about.

It certainly isn't because we all don't irritate each other at times, but to answer fxxk off to a reasonable concern, is such an awful way to speak to each other.

Derbee · 08/10/2021 16:59

And this poor delicate little lady flower just followed her deceitful nasty husband blindly to a social gathering, without checking if there was outdoor space at the bar if she has such anxiety?

No, must be his fault because he’s a man and ALL MEN ARE EVIL AND ABUSIVE

Offmyfence · 08/10/2021 17:06

@Cadent

Funny how people will ALWAYS seek to blame the women even though this dickhead LIED to her when he ASSURED her there was an outdoor space.

He should have been grateful that OP didn’t up and leave and instead he told her to fuck off.

And of course all the typical handmaidens here are itching to excuse the man and blame the woman.

She wasn't chained to him, she could've you know, LEFT and GONE HOME.
Offmyfence · 08/10/2021 17:08

@Derbee

And this poor delicate little lady flower just followed her deceitful nasty husband blindly to a social gathering, without checking if there was outdoor space at the bar if she has such anxiety?

No, must be his fault because he’s a man and ALL MEN ARE EVIL AND ABUSIVE

Exactly!!

Was she chained to him?

Cadent · 08/10/2021 17:15

@Offmyfence

She wasn't chained to him, she could've you know, LEFT and GONE HOME.

NOT the point of the thread, which is him telling his own WIFE to FUCK OFF.

girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 17:16

we certainly wouldn't dream of just leaving each other behind and doing our own thing.

We have a very normal, ordinary respectful marriage

Both of these statements can't be true @billy1966.

Never doing your own thing isn't normal.

Offmyfence · 08/10/2021 17:25

[quote Cadent]@Offmyfence

She wasn't chained to him, she could've you know, LEFT and GONE HOME.

NOT the point of the thread, which is him telling his own WIFE to FUCK OFF.[/quote]
It is the complete point of the thread, she didn't HAVE to stay. Not all women and sheep, sone of us are able to decide we don't want to do something and act in it.

You seem to be pissed off with men in general, any reason?

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/10/2021 18:11

NOT the point of the thread, which is him telling his own WIFE to FUCK OFF.
The backstory is slightly relevant, don't you think?!

TheBlackArt · 08/10/2021 19:01

@GreyhoundG1rl

NOT the point of the thread, which is him telling his own WIFE to FUCK OFF. The backstory is slightly relevant, don't you think?!
😂 Apparently not!
Offmyfence · 08/10/2021 19:04

@GreyhoundG1rl

NOT the point of the thread, which is him telling his own WIFE to FUCK OFF. The backstory is slightly relevant, don't you think?!
Apparently that is totally irrelevant!