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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to f* off by DH. AIBU?

283 replies

snapasnap · 07/10/2021 15:01

Hi everyone.

Yesterday, DH wanted to meet with a friend of his. I was happy to go, although I said only if the bar we met at had an outside space. We are both double vaccinated, however, I still feel better taking precautions like not eating/drinking in enclosed spaces.

We arrived, and the bar was completely indoors. Since DH friend was already there and with another group of people, I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours.

Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement, even though he knows how I feel about eating/drinking inside at the moment. His response was to tell me to 'fuck off' as apparently I'm an irritation to him.

To add context, I have my first annual leave in 9 months next week - and so I have been trying to be even more careful as I don't want to be unwell - and have been looking forward to some relaxation time for months.

AIBU to still feel like this even though I have had both vaccines?

OP posts:
TheGrumpyGoat · 07/10/2021 15:17

Telling someone to fuck off is always unpleasant.
However what was the point in staying for 2 hours in the bar then complaining to him afterwards?

Bontanics · 07/10/2021 15:18

If you didn't want to be indoors you could have not gone in.

HadEnoughOfBears · 07/10/2021 15:19

Yesterday, DH wanted to meet with a friend of his

Why did you have to go in the first place?

Hattiehottie · 07/10/2021 15:19

I wouldn't have told you to fuck off but I would have told you to grow up! presumably you're a grown woman able to make her own decisions. You didn't have to stay, you could have left. You made the decision to stay, just own it. Don't blame him for your own actions.

HunkyPunk · 07/10/2021 15:19

You are allowed to feel how you feel, and he shouldn't have been verbally aggresive about you calling him out for 'misleading' you. I think for whatever reason he wasn't in a position to dictate the venue, probably because there was a group of others involved, not just his friend. That being the case, I think it was disingenuous of him, knowing how you feel, not to find out and let you know that there wouldn't be any outside space, and give you the opportunity to give it a miss.

Would he have been funny about it if you hadn't gone with him? Would you have expected him to insist to his friend/s that the venue be changed to accommodate your preference? Both of those stances are unreasonable.

ArianaDumbledore · 07/10/2021 15:20

It was crap of DH but I do think you could have just left, either feigning illness or just saying why. If DH would have reacted similarly had you done that, then there would be nothing to gain by staying somewhere you explicit said you hadn't wanted to go (indoor only venue).

pussycatlickinglollyices · 07/10/2021 15:21

He's a prick for not telling you the venue didn't have an outside area.

I would've left them to it and got a taxi home.

I'm not particularly "anxious", double jabbed, always wear a mask indoors, but I don't appreciate being lied to either.

Lammysaurus · 07/10/2021 15:22

@Arabelladrinkstea

It’s a shame you ruined what sounds like a nice night out. Why put all the blame on DH and have a go? It sounds like you have developed Health Anxiety.
No.

Read the OP. She said she would only go if there was an outside space. He agreed. There wasn't. It could be a legit mistake, but she was perfectly justified in backing out when she saw that the venue didn't meet the specifications she and her husband agreed to. What you would be happy with is totally irrelevant.

FuckingFlumps · 07/10/2021 15:23

He's a prick for not telling you the venue didn't have an outside area.

Did he even know it was indoors only before arriving it doesn't sound like he chose it.

Also presumably if it was that important to the OP she could have Googled the venue and found out it didn't have an outdoor area?

AnkleDeep · 07/10/2021 15:24

Having agreed with you that it would be outside he was a prick for not leaving when he saw it was indoors.

BabyLove22 · 07/10/2021 15:24

I would of said the same and told you to get a grip.

Lammysaurus · 07/10/2021 15:25

@BabyLove22

I would of said the same and told you to get a grip.
How?
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/10/2021 15:26

Do you always go if he wants to meet a friend?

TheChip · 07/10/2021 15:26

I'd of done the same as your dh.
You are capable of looking at the venue yourself to check for outdoor seating. You are capable of saying "sorry dh, but I dont feel too comfortable. I'll head home but you have a great time" but you chose to stay and plod on as normal until it was time to leave, then you had a dig. Putting a dampner on what was a nice time.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 07/10/2021 15:27

I think he was wrong to be so rude to you and tell you to fuck off. But I also agree with others that you sound like you were a bit in the wrong too.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/10/2021 15:28

He was totally wrong to tell you to fuck off, and totally wrong to mislead you into thinking it would be outdoor (even if just by omission).

What he should have done was said “I’m not prepared to insist it’s outdoor” / “I want to sit indoors” / “oh btw the place is indoor only” so that you could make a free choice whether to come or not.

You obviously can’t make him do outdoor only things but equally he should be truthful!

nokidshere · 07/10/2021 15:28

He owes you an apology for telling you to fuck off but once you had decided you were going inside that was on you.

I found out at the last minute an event that we were going to was being moved indoors so I left DH to it and went home.

1forAll74 · 07/10/2021 15:30

It's a shame that it all ended like that, If you were that concerned about going indoors for drinks, you should not have gone in. Sadly the term F, off,is used by many, all the time, when they are angry or annoyed by someone,or something. It seems like an everyday speech type these days, it's horrible.

rainbowandglitter · 07/10/2021 15:30

Why did you go if he wanted to meet a friend?

LettertoHermoine · 07/10/2021 15:32

I'd say he was hugely irritated with you to be honest. In saying that, it does sound as if you have health anxiety which can be debilitating. Maybe it needs addressing.

Username817391920384747 · 07/10/2021 15:32

He shouldn’t have told you to F off but if you had a problem you should have stated it at the beginning of the evening, not ruining it at the end. Also as previous posters have said, his life shouldn’t be dictated by your health anxiety. Don’t go next time.

Bounce55 · 07/10/2021 15:34

You sat for 2 hours in an enclosed space then decided you felt unsafe.....after 2 hours.

I think I'd be telling you to fuck off as well

arethereanyleftatall · 07/10/2021 15:35

I read your title and was all ready to post yanbu, but, crikey op, you sound really irritating. So, Yabu, whilst I wouldn't have personally said fuck off, I definitely would have been thinking it.

icedcoffees · 07/10/2021 15:38

So - did you expect him not to see his friend because you're uncomfortable? I don't really understand what solution you wanted, tbh.

You should have gone home if you weren't happy - but instead you went in, stayed for two hours then complained at him afterwards. That's not fair and I'm not surprised he was pissed off with you.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/10/2021 15:38

I agree with PP

He shouldn't have told you to fuck off.

You were equally as capable as him if checking if the bar had an outside space. You could have said youd rather not go there and gone home or somewhere else without 'making a scene'. Instead you chose to go along with something you didn't want to do and then told your husband you were upset and seem to be blaming him for it, which is kind of passive aggressive. So YABU too