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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to f* off by DH. AIBU?

283 replies

snapasnap · 07/10/2021 15:01

Hi everyone.

Yesterday, DH wanted to meet with a friend of his. I was happy to go, although I said only if the bar we met at had an outside space. We are both double vaccinated, however, I still feel better taking precautions like not eating/drinking in enclosed spaces.

We arrived, and the bar was completely indoors. Since DH friend was already there and with another group of people, I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours.

Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement, even though he knows how I feel about eating/drinking inside at the moment. His response was to tell me to 'fuck off' as apparently I'm an irritation to him.

To add context, I have my first annual leave in 9 months next week - and so I have been trying to be even more careful as I don't want to be unwell - and have been looking forward to some relaxation time for months.

AIBU to still feel like this even though I have had both vaccines?

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 07/10/2021 17:14

That it is health anxiety is equally personal opinion really. When you're qualified to diagnose, come back to me on it.

Well, exactly. Which is why I never said it was or it wasn't, lol.

Their personal boundaries on that are between them to decide. If they differ, they'll have to work it out.

OP has decided her boundaries but her DH clearly disagrees. She doesn't get to say he can't see his friends indoors, imo. That's why it makes me feel her behaviour has crossed over a line, really.

JudgementalCactus · 07/10/2021 17:17

@icedcoffees

That it is health anxiety is equally personal opinion really. When you're qualified to diagnose, come back to me on it.

Well, exactly. Which is why I never said it was or it wasn't, lol.

Their personal boundaries on that are between them to decide. If they differ, they'll have to work it out.

OP has decided her boundaries but her DH clearly disagrees. She doesn't get to say he can't see his friends indoors, imo. That's why it makes me feel her behaviour has crossed over a line, really.

But if he disagrees with her boundaries then he needs to tell her "i'm not sure the bar has outside seating and maybe it's better i go alone"

Instead he lead her to believe he had agreed to make sure it was outside then expects her not to challenge hom on the lie.

Then gets verbally abusive. Ffs

HalzTangz · 07/10/2021 17:17

@snapasnap

I have no problem being told I am BU. I opened the topic exactly so I could get another perspective - as I fully recognise I am perhaps still being too OTT when I am double vaccinated.

The reason I didn't leave is because it would have caused an atmosphere and I didn't want to do that. I stayed for 2 hours, and I didn't let how I was feeling influence my interactions or how I was with people.

Also to those saying I should have left or not gone in - I completely get it, but if DH went in anyway, he'd still pass on anything he caught - so I didn't see the logic in not going and I wasn't going to tell him not to go inside. I thought we'd both agreed we'd only go somewhere with outdoor seating.

You do you you can get covid whilst at work, whilst doing the food shop etc. The pub really isn't any riskier than any other place you go.
WorraLiberty · 07/10/2021 17:19

@snapasnap

I did not choose the venue. I hadn't heard of the venue before.

Maybe I should have googled it, but then, I tend to trust DH when he says something - so I haven't felt the need to start googling everything to make sure he is telling the truth.

So you curtail your husband's freedom to go where he wants just before you go on annual leave?

That's not just irritating, it's weird and selfish too.

He shouldn't have told you to fuck off, although I'd like to be a fly on the wall when you 'calmly said' etc.

But ultimately you must be a nightmare to leave with if he's not allowed to break the rules you've imposed on you both.

HalzTangz · 07/10/2021 17:19

@snapasnap

Happy to agree that I need to relax about things.

My primary concern has been the fact I've been really looking forward to having a week of leave after 9 months without a day off (minus weekends) - and I really don't want it to be ruined. Due to staff shortages in my team, I won't be able to reschedule it if I am unwell, so it'd just be lost time. I work remotely - and as it is, I work every single time I am feeling unwell - this has included a vomiting bug and an incident where I passed out (but was back working 2 hours later). So yes, if I am ill next week, I will be really upset.

DH knows how much I've been looking forward to it and it's been the only thing keeping me going over the last couple of months tbh.

If you felt that precious about your week off, why would you risk going out in the first place. Although transmission is less outdoors it can still be spread that way.
MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 07/10/2021 17:30

He sound's overwrought....... Should he have told you to 'fuck off'? No.

But should people who struggle with ' anxiety' consider the impact they have on other people? Absolutely yes.

So you're both unreasonable however the unreasonableness is definitely tipping more in your direction.

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2021 17:34

Of course it’s health anxiety snd of course sitting in a bar doesn’t make someone a pyscho 😱

As a pp said, Covid is going no where, is thr op going to never socialise inside again because she’s anxious?

MissMaple82 · 07/10/2021 17:34

You sound extremely irritating so I kinda understand why he told you to F off

LalalalalalaLand123 · 07/10/2021 17:38

He was obviously wrong to tell you to fuck off.
But speaking as someone who feels the same way as you about only wanting to meet outside - I think you should have just left and not gone inside, and let dh get on with it.

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2021 17:39

Also to those saying I should have left or not gone in - I completely get it, but if DH went in anyway, he'd still pass on anything he caught - so I didn't see the logic in not going and I wasn't going to tell him not to go inside. I thought we'd both agreed we'd only go somewhere with outdoor seating.

But you’re telling him of it happens again he shouldn’t go in and you expect him to pander to your anxiety because yoire also worried he will get it and give it to you.

Awalkintime · 07/10/2021 17:45

No such thing as health anxiety as a condition, you are free to choose how to live your life and if you are concerned then you are within your rights to say this. Everyone who says you shouldn't be concerned about covid are not living your life.

TheGrumpyGoat · 07/10/2021 17:49

No such thing as health anxiety as a condition

Yes, there is.

ChequerBoard · 07/10/2021 17:50

@Soontobe60

Blimey, me and my DH should clearly have got divorced years ago! We regularly tell,each other to fuck off when we’re annoyed with each other. It’s usually followed by a quick swearing battle, then a bit of a sulk, then a hug and apology towards each other. It’s a way to let off steam, not murder!

I was going to post the same, DH would happily tell each other to fuck off in the context of a robust conversation where one thought the other was being petty and unreasonable (like OP) no argument or malice intended.

Clearly MN is full of Snow Whites and their Prince Charmings who start every sentence with 'darling' and are surrounded by bluebirds and Bambi at all times!

Where are the vipers??

TheGrumpyGoat · 07/10/2021 17:52

I was going to post the same, DH would happily tell each other to fuck off in the context of a robust conversation where one thought the other was being petty and unreasonable (like OP) no argument or malice intended

The OP’s relationship obviously isn’t like that though, otherwise she wouldn’t be upset about it.
I’ve never told my DH to fuck off, and vice versa. Just not our thing. Can’t see Bambi anywhere though.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/10/2021 17:52

No such thing as health anxiety as a condition

Yes there is.

starfro · 07/10/2021 17:52

Poor guy sounds like he finally snapped.

Cheeserton · 07/10/2021 17:54

YABU, but only because you asked about the bar thing. Totally over the top. But, his reaction was totally unreasonable too, and unpleasant.

Seemssounfair · 07/10/2021 17:56

Tbh I dont go in crowded indoors spaces so I don't think yabu to not want to do that either.

If he "ensured" you it was indoors, you've got to assume he thought it was. Yabu to go in, enjoy yourself (or at least appear to) and then have a go at your dh after.

You are an adult, if you didnt want to go in you should have said you didnt feel comfortable going in, and left him to enjoy his evening and practised good hygiene/taken lft or whatever you feel comfortable with at home after.

VeganCheesePlease · 07/10/2021 17:57

He shouldn't have said that to you. It's nasty and uncalled for.
BUT I think you were being silly and I do agree with PP that you ruined a nice evening. If you were so worried why didn't you head on home when you wanted to leave?

NCBlossom · 07/10/2021 18:02

You do you you can get covid whilst at work, whilst doing the food shop etc. The pub really isn't any riskier than any other place you go.

Wrong.

There’s a lack of understanding on this thread about levels of risk. Bars and restaurants are up there in the most risky places for transmission of Covid. It is entirely sensible and wise to know this, even if anyone decides to eat out or go to an indoor bar. It is much riskier than a supermarket or most workplaces.

Why? Covid is airborne and your risk depends also on the viral load. Viral load increases with conversation, shouting, expiring and the amount of people. So people inside, in restaurants and bars are able to transmit to more people. These are the top places for people to pick up the virus.

GoingOutOutNEVER · 07/10/2021 18:02

I’d have gone home and left them to it if I’d been in the situation.

icedcoffees · 07/10/2021 18:06

But if he disagrees with her boundaries then he needs to tell her "i'm not sure the bar has outside seating and maybe it's better i go alone"

But OP would still have kicked off because she doesn't want him socialising indoors either.

Instead he lead her to believe he had agreed to make sure it was outside then expects her not to challenge hom on the lie. Then gets verbally abusive. Ffs

I agree his behaviour isn't acceptable but TBH neither is hers and I would also argue it's controlling/abusive. She doesn't get to tell him he's not allowed to see his mate down the pub.

Briony123 · 07/10/2021 18:07

To actually tell you f* off is obviously not great but you are being ridiculous if fully vaccinated and not extremely vulnerable. Having mild-moderate asthma isn't vulnerable once vaccinated. Nor is being diabetic. Being an incredibly ill person makes you vulnerable (you would also be very vulnerable to all other illnesses so it's unlikely you would be going out full stop). You need to either
a) get a grip, which is what we all used to do,
before
b) therapy was invented.
One or the other. I'd go with A and if that doesn't work then spend money on B.
God almighty, I wonder how many of you there are out there?

NCBlossom · 07/10/2021 18:07

Also, it is not health anxiety not to want to go into bars or restaurants currently, even fully vaccinated.

It is completely sensible behaviour.

The bars and restaurants aren’t open because it is good for Public Health. It’s not, overall it increases transmission and will result in some severe cases. They are open to help the businesses, not those who go in them. The workers and industry need to open as the balance between jobs lost, whole sectors going under is also a risk, so it’s a trade off.

NCBlossom · 07/10/2021 18:09

But yes I agree with other posters - it’s OK for you OP not to want to go inside. But you can’t tell him not to go inside, and you can’t try to stop him. That’s not fair. It’s not the same risk if you let him go inside, you can always avoid him for 2-3 days! But it’s his decision. Respect that.