Told to f* off by DH. AIBU?

[snapasnap]

Hi everyone.

Yesterday, DH wanted to meet with a friend of his. I was happy to go, although I said only if the bar we met at had an outside space. We are both double vaccinated, however, I still feel better taking precautions like not eating/drinking in enclosed spaces.

We arrived, and the bar was completely indoors. Since DH friend was already there and with another group of people, I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours.

Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement, even though he knows how I feel about eating/drinking inside at the moment. His response was to tell me to 'fuck off' as apparently I'm an irritation to him.

To add context, I have my first annual leave in 9 months next week - and so I have been trying to be even more careful as I don't want to be unwell - and have been looking forward to some relaxation time for months.

AIBU to still feel like this even though I have had both vaccines?

No he shouldn't speak to you like that but YABU with your catching Covid obsession and I'd be pretty fed up with you too.

It sounds as if there is a bit of a back story in the lead up to this. I'd like to hear his side of it. It's October, it's getting cold to be sitting in a beer garden. The friends obviously didn't fancy it.

Him telling you to fuck off and that you're being irritating sounds like a topper rather than an isolated incident. But no he shouldn't have said it

“Surel, you knew there was a chance that the group may not want to sit outside.”

There was no outside seating

He shouldn't have sworn at you but tbh you should have waited and spoke to DH later if you were that upset, instead of putting a downer on a perfectly fine social event for him. You obviously have some sort of health anxiety which is fine, deal with that how you need to but you shouldn't spoil things for others and try to force other people to follow your rules just because you're anxious. We've barely been able to socialize over the past 18 months I just dont understand why you felt the need to upset him.

Op you stated what your perimeters were around the arrangement beforehand and your dh showed no regard. Just because other posters disagree with your perimeters doesn’t mean your dh gets to ignore, disregard and belittle how you feel. I’m triple vaccinated (working in a hospital) and am still trying to avoid catching covid… also flu and d&v. I wash my hands and avoid big crowds in enclosed areas. I wear a mask on school run (as do 50% of the mums and dads) but on mn I’ll be seen as insane. You do what you feel comfortable with. Being anxious and keen to avoid covid isn’t “suffering from health anxiety” ffs. People’s experience of the pandemic is different and everyone needs to allow others to respond how they feel comfortable without denying them normal human emotion.

If you were uncomfortable being indoors, you should've asked where you were going.

If you were unhappy when you arrived, you should've made that known. You could've suggested an alternative venue rather than kicking off but you didn't.

You then chose to berate him after the fact, for no reason as there's nothing he can do to turn back time.

I'd have told you to fuck off for trying to start an argument after a nice evening.

Nice pedantry, but shouldn't your username be "a pedant types"?

Sorry but I couldnt tolerate this level of Covid fear in a partner and for no good reason. I would find it really stressful. In fact I would call it a day. Never mind swear. I couldn't stand it.

I thought we'd both agreed we'd only go somewhere with outdoor seating.

Did he actually agree and say that's what he was happy with, or did he just nod along to shut you up?

He should be allowed to see his friends inside if he wants - it's not upto you.

Happy to agree that I need to relax about things.

My primary concern has been the fact I've been really looking forward to having a week of leave after 9 months without a day off (minus weekends) - and I really don't want it to be ruined. Due to staff shortages in my team, I won't be able to reschedule it if I am unwell, so it'd just be lost time. I work remotely - and as it is, I work every single time I am feeling unwell - this has included a vomiting bug and an incident where I passed out (but was back working 2 hours later). So yes, if I am ill next week, I will be really upset.

DH knows how much I've been looking forward to it and it's been the only thing keeping me going over the last couple of months tbh.

@NeedAHoliday2021

Op you stated what your perimeters were around the arrangement beforehand and your dh showed no regard. Just because other posters disagree with your perimeters doesn’t mean your dh gets to ignore, disregard and belittle how you feel. I’m triple vaccinated (working in a hospital) and am still trying to avoid catching covid… also flu and d&v. I wash my hands and avoid big crowds in enclosed areas. I wear a mask on school run (as do 50% of the mums and dads) but on mn I’ll be seen as insane. You do what you feel comfortable with. Being anxious and keen to avoid covid isn’t “suffering from health anxiety” ffs. People’s experience of the pandemic is different and everyone needs to allow others to respond how they feel comfortable without denying them normal human emotion.

Finally a sane comment!

Yeah I'd have been annoyed at you too. You could have just not gone. And why bring it up after the event?

@AnkleDeep

Having agreed with you that it would be outside he was a prick for not leaving when he saw it was indoors.

No he wasn't. He was meeting his friend. Arguably, OP didn't need to be there at all. From the outside she could see there was no outdoor seating, surely. She could have quietly left without causing a scene (as the friends wouldn't have even seen she had arrived).

DH knows how much I've been looking forward to it and it's been the only thing keeping me going over the last couple of months tbh.

But you could be ill with a bug from anywhere next week, you could go to tesco and catch one tomorrow and you obviously have if you've been unwell despite working from home.

If the week off was that important to you why on earth would you go to a bar where the risk of being in close contact was inevitable even if you'd sat outside especially as it wasn't even your friend you were meeting up with?

You do what you feel comfortable with

I agree she should do what she feels comfortable with. In this case, that would have been going home rather than entering a bar she did not want to be in, then staying for two hours. Her H had an arrangement to meet his friends. She was surely the tag along and could have just gone home to ensure she was well for her holiday?

You seem really to only care about what makes you happy though. How you're looking forward to your holiday and you don't want it to be ruined and it's the only thing keeping you going. All legitimate, but how do you know that going to the pub with friends and having some fun is something that your husband was looking forward to, and is keeping him going and he didn't want ruined but you ruined it for him?

DH agreed that we would go somewhere outside and told me the venue was outside. Possibly he did say that to shut me up, no idea tbh.

I wasn't following him like a puppy dog. He wanted me to go - quite often if he is out with friends I do not go, but he specifically said that he'd like me to go as well. I was really happy to - and just set the one condition of please being able to sit outside.

I think you are perfectly reasonable to be upset at his behaviour. Everyone has to judge their own Covid risk. You judged yours and made it known and were ignored. I don't think you have health anxiety, it sounds more like you are choosing what risks you are prepared to take and what not. For what it's worth, I'm not going to inside bars and restaurants at the moment. There are other things I am willing to do but not that yet as the numbers where I live are going up again.

@snapasnap

DH agreed that we would go somewhere outside and told me the venue was outside. Possibly he did say that to shut me up, no idea tbh.

I wasn't following him like a puppy dog. He wanted me to go - quite often if he is out with friends I do not go, but he specifically said that he'd like me to go as well. I was really happy to - and just set the one condition of please being able to sit outside.

He lied to you, then swore at you when you questioned him.

Am i taking crazy pills reading all these replies blaming you? Jesus...

How did you end up meeting this friend somewhere with no idea where you were going? When we go out, we both know where we will be - I can't imagine a scenario in which I would be surprised by a venue that I had planned to go to and travelled to with my husband.

Would you have been happy for your husband to go without you had you known where it would be?

And yes, I am well aware I could get sick at any time.

The point I have been trying to make (although possibly failing) is I try to minimise the risk of this - I don't think I am invincible and can completely avoid getting sick - but I do try to reduce the chances.

Hi,
I think you were totally resonable to say something afterwards and I understand how it was difficult to say anything, at the time.
I was really hoping that more people would really understand the link with shutting ourselves in enclosed spaces when it gets cooler and the spread viruses (not just covid, but the many other airborne winter viruses). The higher the dose of virus the more likely you have worse symptoms.
I'm hoping people at least people are more willing to keep windows open and wear a jumper - and at the very least avoid mingling when symptomatic.
I don't think I have a health anxiety, just get frustrated by ending up with a rubbish cold or something, when a little effort can reduce risk or at least mean exposure to less virus, which can help reduce symptoms. I'm also a biologist who work on viral treatments for years.

But if he is happy to sit inside, and is friend is happy too, maybe he didnt' want to be restricted because of you?

Sitting outdoors in October isn't exactly very enjoyable either - it's been really cold, wet and windy here recently. I don't blame him for wanting to be inside.

Also to those saying I should have left or not gone in - I completely get it, but if DH went in anyway, he'd still pass on anything he caught - so I didn't see the logic in not going and I wasn't going to tell him not to go inside. I thought we'd both agreed we'd only go somewhere with outdoor seating
Perhaps he's getting a bit tired of his social activities being curtailed by concerns you have but he does not? This must have been going on for sometime now? And it is getting a bit cold to sit outside, especially in the evening?

@icedcoffees

But if he is happy to sit inside, and is friend is happy too, maybe he didnt' want to be restricted because of you?

Sitting outdoors in October isn't exactly very enjoyable either - it's been really cold, wet and windy here recently. I don't blame him for wanting to be inside.

If that's the case he should have told her to stay home, not lied to her promissing it would be outdoors.