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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to f* off by DH. AIBU?

283 replies

snapasnap · 07/10/2021 15:01

Hi everyone.

Yesterday, DH wanted to meet with a friend of his. I was happy to go, although I said only if the bar we met at had an outside space. We are both double vaccinated, however, I still feel better taking precautions like not eating/drinking in enclosed spaces.

We arrived, and the bar was completely indoors. Since DH friend was already there and with another group of people, I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours.

Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement, even though he knows how I feel about eating/drinking inside at the moment. His response was to tell me to 'fuck off' as apparently I'm an irritation to him.

To add context, I have my first annual leave in 9 months next week - and so I have been trying to be even more careful as I don't want to be unwell - and have been looking forward to some relaxation time for months.

AIBU to still feel like this even though I have had both vaccines?

OP posts:
FuckingFlumps · 07/10/2021 16:39

@snapasnap

And yes, I am well aware I could get sick at any time.

The point I have been trying to make (although possibly failing) is I try to minimise the risk of this - I don't think I am invincible and can completely avoid getting sick - but I do try to reduce the chances.

Which is absolutely your perogative but given this I'm still completely confused as to why you would then choose such a busy venue. Even if you had been outside it would have been an excessive risk which you didn't need to take.
Original poster
snapasnap · 07/10/2021 16:41

I did not choose the venue. I hadn't heard of the venue before.

Maybe I should have googled it, but then, I tend to trust DH when he says something - so I haven't felt the need to start googling everything to make sure he is telling the truth.

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 07/10/2021 16:44

If that's the case he should have told her to stay home, not lied to her promissing it would be outdoors.

But she doesn't want him to socialise indoors either - which is a little controlling imo.

It doesn't say that he lied, either - maybe he assumed it would have outdoor space, maybe his friend told him it did, maybe it used to...or yes, maybe he did lie for an easy life.

FuckingFlumps · 07/10/2021 16:45

I did not choose the venue. I hadn't heard of the venue before.

I didn't mean choose as in you picked it I meant choose as in deciding that a bar, any bar, is not excessive risk when it's quite clear that even outside it will be a busy place with lots of people.

Alot also doesn't sound like he chose the venue either and maybe at one point it did have an outdoor seating area so still not clear he actually lied to you.

billy1966 · 07/10/2021 16:46

What an awful way to speak to you.
Is that the norm?

If it is, it really is a terrible way to speak to your partner.

Flowers
Chloemol · 07/10/2021 16:47

@Arabelladrinkstea

It’s a shame you ruined what sounds like a nice night out. Why put all the blame on DH and have a go? It sounds like you have developed Health Anxiety.
@Arabelladrinkstea

What, you think it’s acceptable she is told to F off by her dh

It’s not acceptable whatever the circumstances,

How the hell can you get she has developed health anxiety from a post that says she didn’t want to be in a crowded space?

I would do exactly the same, and I don’t have health anxiety. We still meet outside as cases in my area are still going up, and yes I am double vaxxed. But even that doesn’t stop you getting it, and it’s horrible to have. Why would you knowingly put yourself in the position of possibly catching something horrible, being unwell, taking time off work and not getting paid! It has nothing to do with health anxiety

Some of us just want to take sensible precautions

picketingpanic · 07/10/2021 16:47

Are you getting help for your anxiety, OP?

JudgeJ · 07/10/2021 16:49

@ilikefastcars

You are not being unreasonable to feel like this. He doesn't have to feel the same, but he should respect your feelings/wishes. Is he always like this towards you? I would be considering my relationship tbh.
The OP could have left when she saw the situation didn't meet with her approval, instead she chose to stay then nag him on the way out. Maybe he should be considering the relationship too otherwise he will be under the cosh for the rest of his life.
arootintootingoodtime · 07/10/2021 16:49

If he decided unilaterally to trick OP into going to an indoors venue, that's extremely controlling, whether OP has health anxiety or not. That would not be the way to deal with it.

JudgementalCactus · 07/10/2021 16:50

@picketingpanic

Are you getting help for your anxiety, OP?
Is the husband getting help for his verbal abuse?

What a condescending thing to say...

lottiegarbanzo · 07/10/2021 16:52

You're muddling up a few different issues here.

Your approach to avoiding infection is fine and still normal for many people.

Does your DH agree with you about being cautious? It sounds as though you think he doesn't, would be happy to take more risks and is only holding off on riskier behaviour to protect you (especially in advance of your leave). Or you thought he was.

Who chose the bar? Your DH? His friend?

It sounds like your DH knew which bar and assured you it was ok before you set off. Is that right? Did he know it didn't have outside space? Was it a case of 'friend has suggested here, I'm fine with it, I've had enough of snapasnap being so cautious about everything, I just want to go out and socialise, regardless?' That was very unreasonable of him, if understandable.

So you think your DH has prioritised his social life over your holiday? That he put you in an awkward position, either deliberately or carelessly, because he's had enough of fussing around being careful, having to explain that to other people, limit things, and just wants to get back to a normal, pre-covid life?

If so, he was being really selfish and doesn't actually care much about how you feel. You need to talk about this properly. If you can't do that, I'd be spending the holiday considering whether I wanted to stay with someone who doesn't actually like me very much.

But, by focusing on whether your health concerns are reasonable or not, you're barking up the wrong tree. It's not up to us, or your partner, to decide for you, what level of risk you should be taking. You seem to be saying that if most people here think you're being over-cautious, then that would make your partner lying to you and disrespecting your feelings, preferences and enjoyment of your leave ok. Of course it wouldn't.

NCBlossom · 07/10/2021 16:52

Jesus it’s not health anxiety not to want to catch Covid?!

Classic gas lighting of other people to the OP. She’s not abnormal or weird to want to only be outside socialising, the difference between inside and outside is vast. The vaccines are not 100% and she could transmit it to someone vulnerable. She’s being very sensible.

However the bit I don’t get is that it was your DPs friend - so I just wouldn’t have gone in. It’s his mates, let him get on with it. No big deal.

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2021 16:52

This reply has been deleted

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lottiegarbanzo · 07/10/2021 16:56

Also, the vote is pretty meaningless, because people will be responding to different parts of your OP - overall situation as described, question asked etc.

fishonabicycle · 07/10/2021 16:56

Are you planning on never going out to anywhere indoors again ever? And insisting your husband does the same? Because that's what your post implied. Covid ain't going.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 07/10/2021 16:58

I cannot imagine a relationship where dh would tell me to fuck off and our relationship wouldn’t be over. Even if I was being really irritating to him, that’s over the line surely? People’s standards of what’s okay are bizarre on this thread. The “he shouldn’t have said it but…” brigade is far more insane than op’s health concerns.

ChnandlerBong · 07/10/2021 16:58

personally I can' think of anything worse than going our with dh and his mates!

I think if you are that nervous about the situation then you are probably better not going out for the time being. That's your call. But you cannot dictate to a group of people that they have to sit outside in October?

TheGrumpyGoat · 07/10/2021 17:02

@Mummyford

Erm...Not wanting to be indoors in a crowded bar is not health anxiety. FFS.

I don't know if you were bu OP. For us sane and sensible people, it's hard to find the line between the psychos out in full force on this thread and being overly cautious. Do you and your DH generally agree in your approach to Covid?

Being happy to go to a crowded bar does not make someone a psycho.
SunShinesBrightly · 07/10/2021 17:02

We arrived, and the bar was completely indoors. Since DH friend was already there and with another group of people, I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours.
You chose to stay. You didn’t have to.

Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement, even though he knows how I feel about eating/drinking inside at the moment.
The plan changed. Maybe he could have communicated it to you but he was meeting his friend. Again, you could have left.

His response was to tell me to 'fuck off' as apparently I'm an irritation to him.
Sounds like you are irritating him. You can’t control what others do/don’t do. You have to make your own decisions. If someone is doing something you don’t like you should leave. He’s entitled to stay.

LemonPeonies · 07/10/2021 17:04

He should have left you at home tbh

icedcoffees · 07/10/2021 17:07

Erm...Not wanting to be indoors in a crowded bar is not health anxiety. FFS.

Well, that's personal opinion really.

COVID isn't going anywhere, so does OP expect her husband to never socialise indoors again?

OfTheNight · 07/10/2021 17:07

If you are so concerned about getting ill during your annual leave, why go at all? Why not stay at home in the run up? You could catch all sorts anyway.

I personally feel, if I felt so strongly about an outside venue, I would have suggested somewhere I felt was suitable. After all, some outdoor beer gardens can be cramped, so outside doesn’t equal lots of space and fresh air. I would also accept that the other people attending might not like the choice of venue I’ve suggested. Then I would politely decline.

I’m not saying your DH was right to tell you to fuck off, but I can also see why you irritated him. After all you sat there for two hours, presumably chatting, drinking etc. Then when you left you sort of pissed on his chips by saying you were upset. I mean, it’s either a problem or it’s not.

Howshouldibehave · 07/10/2021 17:09

and just set the one condition of please being able to sit outside

In October, when the weather has been rubbish and loads of the country has had flooding!?

I think I probably would have realised that a demand that everyone stays outside for the duration would not be a popular one!

LannieDuck · 07/10/2021 17:10

So he (knowingly) lied to you and then told you to f-off when you said you were upset about it? That's not acceptable in any way.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/10/2021 17:12

@LannieDuck

So he (knowingly) lied to you and then told you to f-off when you said you were upset about it? That's not acceptable in any way.
Do we know he knowingly lied?