Told to f* off by DH. AIBU?

[snapasnap]

Hi everyone.

Yesterday, DH wanted to meet with a friend of his. I was happy to go, although I said only if the bar we met at had an outside space. We are both double vaccinated, however, I still feel better taking precautions like not eating/drinking in enclosed spaces.

We arrived, and the bar was completely indoors. Since DH friend was already there and with another group of people, I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours.

Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement, even though he knows how I feel about eating/drinking inside at the moment. His response was to tell me to 'fuck off' as apparently I'm an irritation to him.

To add context, I have my first annual leave in 9 months next week - and so I have been trying to be even more careful as I don't want to be unwell - and have been looking forward to some relaxation time for months.

AIBU to still feel like this even though I have had both vaccines?

Is it really health anxiety not to want to hang out inside in a crowded pub? Double vaxxed or not, you can still catch COVID and it’s perfectly reasonable to draw some boundaries to try to avoid that, these are not pre COVID days.

I am genuinely curious what you wanted him to do.

You said on arrival, the friend was with his friends so you didn't feel you could say anything. Is there a reason you thought your husband would be more comfortable speaking up? Had he flagged in advance he wanted to go somewhere outside? Before you went in, did you say anything to him?

I think in that circumstance, I would have said 'DH there's no outdoor space: can you suggest we go somewhere else once these next drinks are finished?' Otherwise its a bit like you're expecting him to be a mind reader. Tbh, I would have said that myself, and if people didn't want to move, may have made the choice to leave after one drink.

I don't think its ever ok to swear at someone like that. It wouldn't be ok in our relationship. So there's too things: were you being reasonable in the initial disagreement (I think most people think you weren't) was he being reasonable to swear at you (I think definitely not). Its up to you and your relationship if one of these things excuses the other - I think I might have said, ok I was probably a bit silly about the bar thing but I'm absolutely shocked you used that language to me and I think we need to talk about where it came from. Either he's always disrespectful, which is an issue, or he is super irate at your response to covid which suggests you need a bigger conversation.

He shouldn't tell you to fuck off. That is unacceptable. You knew from when you arrived that the bar was unsuitable for you. At that point you should have told Dh you were uncomfortable and you should have left him to meet his friend and gone home. What was the point in sitting there for 2 hours and then telling Dh you were upset?

AIBU to still feel like this even though I have had both vaccines?

What the ... are you really ... why on EARTH are you asking this question?

It's got nothing to do with whether you have had zero or 17 jabs, & everything to do with why you are not, instead, questioning the fact that your DH told you to fuck off & that you are an irritation to him.

@timeisnotaline

Is it really health anxiety not to want to hang out inside in a crowded pub? Double vaxxed or not, you can still catch COVID and it’s perfectly reasonable to draw some boundaries to try to avoid that, these are not pre COVID days.

No, it is not health anxiety if you ask me. Just a healthy dose of anxiety.

And her reaction was to him lying to her. I would have been angry too.

I’d have probably told you to fuck off too.

1. he didn’t go against the agreement - he didn’t design the bloody bar
2. his friends were already there
3. you could have chosen not to go in if your anxiety is so bad
4. you sat and waited for more than 2 hours to have a go at him, on your way back from a nice evening

YANBU the virus hasn’t gone away, we do need to be careful and if you’re in the UK, we’re currently running with fairly high levels of infection. Busy bars and restaurants are great for transmission so I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable..This winter maybe very difficult in terms of high infection rates and the effect it could have on health care.

Fingers x you both will be ok. But if he takes you somewhere like that again in the near future just walk away. And no, he shouldn’t have told you to fk off.

Yeah you’d irritate me as well
Plenty of things you could have done instead like googling the place first, going home if you really felt that bothered when you got there. Yabu

You'd already stayed 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why did you have to "calmly" tell him how upset about it you were? It seems a monumentally pointless thing to do.

Is this a reverse?

@Derbee

I’d have probably told you to fuck off too.

1. he didn’t go against the agreement - he didn’t design the bloody bar
2. his friends were already there
3. you could have chosen not to go in if your anxiety is so bad
4. you sat and waited for more than 2 hours to have a go at him, on your way back from a nice evening

The agreement was that they would go to an outdoor bar. He didn't bother to ensure that and he didn't bother to warn her either so that she cound stay home.

That is going against the agreement. And really disrespectful too.

@Justmuddlingalong

I think if you stayed indoors for 2 hours despite previously only agreeing to go if it was outdoors, your calmly bringing it up upon leaving obviously pushed his button. If you have boundaries, either stick to them or don't, but if it's the latter, you can't then complain.

I agree. If you were really concerned about being inside all you had to do was tell him you were going home and do it. That didn't have to be a scene, just a quiet word in his ear. Staying for 2 hours and then complaining is a real double standard.

He shouldn't have sworn at you. No one should ever swear at their partner (but on occasion, over the last 35 years, I have done) but if he's normally a good guy I'd excuse it as a one off outburst of frustration.

The agreement was that they would go to an outdoor bar. He didn't bother to ensure that and he didn't bother to warn her either so that she cound stay home.

He probably didn't know the bar didn't have an outside area just as the OP didn't know in advance either. He didn't choose the bar and upon arrival if she was unhappy then as a fully grown adult with her own mind the OP could have chosen not to stay.

He didn't bother to ensure that and he didn't bother to warn her either so that she cound stay home.
Why would she need him to warn her? She's a grown adult with Googling skills just like him.
Besides, she could have gone home as soon as she'd realised anyway, she wasn't compelled to walk through the door.

The agreement was that they would go to an outdoor bar. He didn't bother to ensure that and he didn't bother to warn her either so that she cound stay home.

Maybe he didn't know?

OP has access to the internet - she could have googled the venue if she was so worried!

YANBU to be being cautious. But how cautious you are is your choice. You could have gone home and left him to it.

It sounds as though you went along with it, then complained afterwards, when everyone had had a few drinks, which is always bound to end in tears. (Would have been better to talk the next day, than be annoyed on the night).

Who made the booking / chose the bar? If your DH did, knowing it was all indoors, deliberately ignoring your preference and luring you there under false pretences, he would have been very U. Did he?

A lot of places near me set up outdoor drinking areas when that was rule, but they've gradually taken them away again now that the weather is turning. So it's possible your husband/his friends thought that there was an outdoor area when they planned it.

He shouldn't have been so aggressive but I think you should have spoken up before going in (or just gone home) if you were that concerned. But I admit I'm rolling my eyes at your covid anxiety.

I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours.

Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement, even though he knows how I feel about eating/drinking inside at the moment

Let me get this straight.
YOU didn't feel capable of making an issue of something you had already stated would be a deal-breaker for you,

But you expected HIM to magically intuit that, & make an issue of it on your behalf?

And instead of "calmly telling" DH AT THE TIME HE COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING ABOUT IT (although why this should be him, rather than you, is beyond me), you went along with it for 2 hours, & then complained after the event?

What did you think your complaint was going to achieve?

Next time you state a boundary, remember that it is up to YOU to uphold it, not DH or anyone else.

It's still totally out of order for him to tell you to fuck off though.

He is unreasonable for telling you to fuck off. Who says that to their own wife... Unbelievable. What a bell end.

She also could have just stayed at home as well and let him go out with his mates without having a Covid misery guts whingeing about whether they sit outside or in with him. If you're that anxious just stay at home. No-one wants to sit outside for long, it's October FFS.

I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours.
Well this makes zero sense when you chose to make a fecking scene on leaving, anyway

He shouldn't have sworn at you but you should have said something before going inside.
Presumably you acted as if you were enjoying yourself for 2 hours and then complained when you left.
That would annoy me too.
You can't blame your dh for not sticking to your boundaries if you didn't yourself.

To be honest, if someone forced me to sit outside in the cold due to their health anxiety, I'd wonder why they thought it was healthier to potentially freeze to death.

He absolutely shouldn't have sworn, that's not OK and beyond unreasonable.

However
If you didn't want to go in, don't go in, you don't need his permission, if you were bothered about making a big deal of it in front of others then you weren't that anxious (and certainly not enough to get annoyed afterwards)

If you decide to go in anyway getting upset and having a go at him (I'm sure you will update that you were terribly sweet and reasonable about it... the wording of your OP suggests you weren't) after the event is avoiding responsibility. You chose to go in.

Finally whilst I do understand your have an anxiety about the virus the OP smacks of a belief that others should take responsibility for that anxiety. Understandable to be worried , but not that others have to cater to you. Presumably you are an adult so handle your own choices.

I have no problem being told I am BU. I opened the topic exactly so I could get another perspective - as I fully recognise I am perhaps still being too OTT when I am double vaccinated.

The reason I didn't leave is because it would have caused an atmosphere and I didn't want to do that. I stayed for 2 hours, and I didn't let how I was feeling influence my interactions or how I was with people.

Also to those saying I should have left or not gone in - I completely get it, but if DH went in anyway, he'd still pass on anything he caught - so I didn't see the logic in not going and I wasn't going to tell him not to go inside. I thought we'd both agreed we'd only go somewhere with outdoor seating.