Page 4 | Told to f* off by DH. AIBU?

snapasnap · 2021-10-07T14:01:33+00:00

Hi everyone. Yesterday, DH wanted to meet with a friend of his. I was happy to go, although I said only if the bar we met at had an outside space. We are both double vaccinated, however, I still feel better taking precautions like not eating/drinking in enclosed spaces. We arrived, and the bar was completely indoors. Since DH friend was already there and with another group of people, I didn't feel as if I could make an issue and didn't want there to be a scene, so went inside and stayed for 2 hours. Upon leaving, I calmly told DH that I was upset he hadn't kept to the agreement, even though he knows how I feel about eating/drinking inside at the moment. His response was to tell me to 'fuck off' as apparently I'm an irritation to him. To add context, I have my first annual leave in 9 months next week - and so I have been trying to be even more careful as I don't want to be unwell - and have been looking forward to some relaxation time for months. AIBU to still feel like this even though I have had both vaccines?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/10/2021 16:02

@HarebrightCedarmoon

She also could have just stayed at home as well and let him go out with his mates without having a Covid misery guts whingeing about whether they sit outside or in with him. If you're that anxious just stay at home. No-one wants to sit outside for long, it's October FFS.

That's harsh. Covid has affected so many people in different ways, just because you're fine with everything doesn't mean everyone else has to

Rebornagain · 07/10/2021 16:05

@snapasnap if that is your logic why let it bother you in first place and enjoy life

FuckingFlumps · 07/10/2021 16:05

Also to those saying I should have left or not gone in - I completely get it, but if DH went in anyway, he'd still pass on anything he caught - so I didn't see the logic in not going and I wasn't going to tell him not to go inside.

That's ridiculous logic. So he's not allowed to do anything you deem a risk because he may catch covid. Surely by that logic you'd never go anywhere or do anything as you could catch covid anywhere.

TheChip · 07/10/2021 16:08

But you were fine to create an atmosphere with your husband when you were alone with him. That's a pretty shitty thing to do really. Pretend all is well until you're alone and then let him know how upset you are.

My ex used to do that to me and it's horrible.

fumfspos · 07/10/2021 16:09

He shouldn't have told you to fuck off. That's not on at all.

But you really shouldn't be this anxious about catching COVID when you are both double vaccinated.
Even if you were to catch it (as there are cases of vaccine-breakthrough) the chances of it being a severe case are vanishingly small.

You cannot live your life like this, nor can you make him live his life like this. The point of getting vaccinated is to have protection against getting seriously ill so that you can get back to a normal life.

Tal45 · 07/10/2021 16:10

YANBU. You said you only wanted to go if it had outdoor space and he should have said if he knew it didn't or wasn't sure. There was absolutely no reason for him to tell you to fuck off, you didn't ruin a nice evening in any way- quite the opposite, you kept your mouth shut and just told him you were upset after it had finished.

Some people on here seem to take it very personally that not everyone is pretending covid doesn't exist any more and so they diagnose anyone who wants to take some basic precautions as having health anxiety.

Health anxiety actually is where you spend so much time worrying about an illness that it takes over your life. Wanting to sit outside at the pub does not qualify.

Has he apologised for telling you to fuck off? Or does he think it's acceptable?

Original poster

snapasnap · 07/10/2021 16:11

@FuckingFlumps

Also to those saying I should have left or not gone in - I completely get it, but if DH went in anyway, he'd still pass on anything he caught - so I didn't see the logic in not going and I wasn't going to tell him not to go inside.

That's ridiculous logic. So he's not allowed to do anything you deem a risk because he may catch covid. Surely by that logic you'd never go anywhere or do anything as you could catch covid anywhere.

Well no, if you had read what I've said you'd see that.

I am happy to do lots of things, but don't want to expose myself to excessive risk. I think sitting in an overcrowded bar, where people are shouting and moving around without a mask is excessively risky. That's why DH ensured me that it was outside, and I was happy to go.

Unless I am wrong, I can still catch Covid even though I have had both vaccines - so I'm not invincible to all risk because I do have both vaccines.

OP posts:

goodwinter · 07/10/2021 16:11

@Cadent

YANBU, ‘fuck off’ is a dickhead response.

If he didn’t want to go to an outdoor bar space he should have said, and you could have made the decision then.

But I see the MRA out in in force so you will be blamed for being told to fuck off.

Ah yes, Mumsnet is famously a hotbed of MRAs.

irishoak · 07/10/2021 16:12

It doesn't matter what the situation is and whether your partner shares the same worries/opinion as you - you should be able to say to your partner, "this happened, you broke your agreement about a situation you know I have worries about, I feel upset about that" without being told what an irritation you are and to fuck off.

BertramLacey · 07/10/2021 16:12

You do seem rather over-anxious and he's just rude. I mean if he's really at the end of his tether and he said it in a half-joking 'oh please just do one' way I kind of get where he's coming from. On the other hand he may be an aggressive, rude git. I get the anxiety. Every time I sneeze or feel a bit off colour I think 'shit, is this it? Have I got the plague?' but I think we are at the stage where we can treat it better and we need to accept a certain amount of risk.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/10/2021 16:12

I think what the PP was saying that even if your DH went you'd have been at less of a risk from him by going home rather than going in and joining everyone, that was more of a risk.

Eeiliethya · 07/10/2021 16:14

What's an MRA?

CallMeMabel · 07/10/2021 16:14

What did you expect a bar to be like? Surely a quick Google would've told you it would be indoors. Were you even invited or did you invite yourself so you could keep an eye on your DH?

FuckingFlumps · 07/10/2021 16:15

I am happy to do lots of things, but don't want to expose myself to excessive risk. I think sitting in an overcrowded bar, where people are shouting and moving around without a mask is excessively risky. That's why DH ensured me that it was outside, and I was happy to go.

But you've still not said if he actually knew the place had no outdoor area and this still doesn't explain why you stayed once you realised it didn't only to then cause a scene with him afterwards. You're acting like he deliberately deceived you when it sounds like he did nothing of the sort.

Unless I am wrong, I can still catch Covid even though I have had both vaccines - so I'm not invincible to all risk because I do have both vaccines.

Od course you can still catch covid but by having both jabs you've minimised your liklihood and if caught its unlikely to be severe. The whole point of having the vaccines is so you can live life normally, covid will be here for a long while yet are you never going to sit in a bar again?

Soontobe60 · 07/10/2021 16:15

Blimey, me and my DH should clearly have got divorced years ago! We regularly tell,each other to fuck off when we’re annoyed with each other. It’s usually followed by a quick swearing battle, then a bit of a sulk, then a hug and apology towards each other. It’s a way to let off steam, not murder!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/10/2021 16:15

@Eeiliethya

What's an MRA?

mens rights activist

TractorAndHeadphones · 07/10/2021 16:16

Nobody has actually read the AIBu have they? It’s not abo to whether you’re DH was wrong to tell you off. It’s about whether you were wrong to feel like that.
I think YABU as double vaccines are the only thing we can do and the virus won’t ever go away so if you wanted to wait you’d be waiting forever …

FuckingFlumps · 07/10/2021 16:18

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

I think what the PP was saying that even if your DH went you'd have been at less of a risk from him by going home rather than going in and joining everyone, that was more of a risk.

Exactly.

It's such an odd argument that because he might have been exposed at the bar you then in turn had to stay. Yes he might have caught covid and passed it on to you but that would be less of a risk to you overall than you choosing to stay at the bar.

APedantWrites · 07/10/2021 16:19

@BabyLove22

I would of said the same and told you to get a grip.

Would have

purplecorkheart · 07/10/2021 16:20

He should not have told you to f"ck off but what exactly did you want him to do?
You did not want to cause a scene by asking everyone to move outside but you expected him to.
Surel, you knew there was a chance that the group may not want to sit outside.
You should not have gone. Your partner is an independent person who should not be limiting his life to accomdate your sociial anxiety

namechange30455 · 07/10/2021 16:21

@snapasnap

I have no problem being told I am BU. I opened the topic exactly so I could get another perspective - as I fully recognise I am perhaps still being too OTT when I am double vaccinated.

The reason I didn't leave is because it would have caused an atmosphere and I didn't want to do that. I stayed for 2 hours, and I didn't let how I was feeling influence my interactions or how I was with people.

Also to those saying I should have left or not gone in - I completely get it, but if DH went in anyway, he'd still pass on anything he caught - so I didn't see the logic in not going and I wasn't going to tell him not to go inside. I thought we'd both agreed we'd only go somewhere with outdoor seating.

You can't dictate what he does, and it sounds like you want to ("if DH went in anyway..."). Isn't that quite controlling?

TheGrumpyGoat · 07/10/2021 16:21

so I'm not invincible to all risk because I do have both vaccines

Well… no. Just like you’re never invincible to any risks. Wearing a seatbelt doesn’t make you invincible to the risk of being seriously injured/killed in a car accident, for example, it just mitigates that risk.
The vaccines are a mitigation against the risk of becoming seriously ill or dying from Covid.

but if DH went in anyway, he'd still pass on anything he caught - so I didn't see the logic in not going and I wasn't going to tell him not to go inside

So you don’t want him ever to do anything that you consider too risky, in case it affects you?

Tilltheend99 · 07/10/2021 16:21

All I’m going to say is there is no point asking people on the internet because too many people have a poor understanding of Covid and it’s implications. If it hasn’t effected them personally then they don’t care.

Just do whatever you feel comfortable with to protect your own health.

Imagine the situation was pre-Covid and there is a winter vomiting bug going around or something and you didn’t want to catch it on your holiday. Most people would act the same and find it perfectly reasonable.

People only go on about how much they don’t care and are happy to catch it because it has become a bit of a political issue for some.

Now Covid could make you very ill for a couple of weeks but because you are double jabbed you are less likely to need hospital treatment or die. You could be lucky and feel like you have a cold.

I know a few families that have had it recently due to the transmission epidemic in schools. It was not fun, took up most of their summer and sounded like a pain in the bum.

You say that you calmly reminded your partner of your boundaries so as far as I can see the only one being unreasonable is him for telling you to F off! Sounds like he wanted to see his mates alone and that was the real issue.

If this is a one off ignore and keep being safe. If he is always like that maybe time to reevaluate the relationship.

JudgementalCactus · 07/10/2021 16:21

@Soontobe60

Blimey, me and my DH should clearly have got divorced years ago! We regularly tell,each other to fuck off when we’re annoyed with each other. It’s usually followed by a quick swearing battle, then a bit of a sulk, then a hug and apology towards each other. It’s a way to let off steam, not murder!

Still not normal to swear at your partner. You're not bothered but OP clearly is. Just because it's acceptable to you personally doesn't make it normal, healthy or ok.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 07/10/2021 16:21

I tend to follow the advice when someone tells me to fuck off, and I do indeed fuck off. Usually forever, especially if it's been said more than once.