To get really fucked off when DP does this?

[Satinthedarkwithlight]

He is working late and has not bothered to let me know. Normally finishes between 5-530 and it is 630 and I am sat with an increasingly fractious ten and a half month old.

AIBU to think it’s common courtesy to communicate?

Sorry OP, I can see I have made you feel worse - really wasn't my intention. You do seem to be struggling, and oh my days, do I remember how a bad day could become overwhelming within five minutes when the DC were little. Like Baroness said, I totally lost sight of myself for quite a while because I felt pulled in too many directions. Is there anything else going on, or have you just hit a wall today? Either of those are understandable - and so many of us have been where you are now.

Hey OP, you aren’t any of the things you’ve said in your last posts. You are loved and mean everything to your baby even though they cannot tell you that now. You are having a rubbish day and I know what you meant in your original post. Ignore those posters who have nothing better to do than make someone on the internet feel bad about themselves. The baby stage passes but some days can be fraught and partners will irritate on these days…onwards and upwards xx

YANBU at all OP.
You sound tired, frustrated and fed up.
My DH is also working late. I know so because I can see him down in the shed at his laptop. There will be no dinner for him either and he sure as heck better not want to mess up the kitchen that I'm about to clean after putting our three children in bed.
If he's wfh then you need an agreement that you both spend time with your child, do bedtime and any other work gets picked up after that. It's not ideal but otherwise it will just fall to one of you and if that's happening too often then it's unfair and tiring.
Hope you're alright.

I hear you, OP, and I'm going to break with the trend on this thread and say YANBU.
Dropping everything at work to do the 5pm pickup takes a toll. If both parents are working it is common courtesy to both organize who does that so it's fair, especially if both parents' work is the kind that spills over into home life.

And it is totally reasonable to want to know and to plan when work ends, and not just be stuck picking up the domestic exhaustion for an unspecified number of hours post-5pm pickup when everyone is tired and the baby is unhappy.

As you've said - if you just worked till 7pm what would the nursery do? Maybe tomorrow DH collects at 5pm and you work till 7?

Maybe the working late is super rare, in which case yes, the expectation can be that you let each other know. If it's not rare, then you need a system to make it not feel like one person's constantly taking the piss.

No consolation I'm sure, but eventually they grow up and walk home from school ... and this gets better.

My DH seems to always have 'emails to finish' right across bath & bedtime. Apparently my job is negotiable. It's always my work that suffers when DS has appointments etc too. I blame mat leave - it seems to have set the precedent that I am the primary carer & now I struggle to regain any equality between us.

@Satinthedarkwithlight

If you don’t give a fuck why are you being so awful?

You must give a fuck on some level, even if it’s only because it’s enjoyable making someone feel so awful about themselves.

So. I now know I am fucking useless and ugly and a piece of shit. I don’t blame him for staying in the dining room I would too.

Not a single poster has written anything that is this offensive to you or as dramatic as this or the massive list you have written. I truly hope you have real life support, or please speak with your health visitor for support.

I don't think it's at all surprising that you are sitting on a great deal of anger here. I think it is more concerning that you don't feel able to channel any of it towards your husband, and it's all going towards snarling at strangers on MN and berating yourself for being awful. Meanwhile, he's sitting there typing away or whatever and you don't feel able to raise it with him at all, not even a little bit, not even "are you going to be much longer in there because I could do with a break."

YANBU to be fucked off with him. But you shouldn't be in a position where you daren't let even a tiny glimmer of that fucked-off-ness be visible to him. I don't know what the reason for that is, but whatever it is it isn't at all fair on you.

You need a proper chat with him, OP. WFH can be a bit addictive, because you can just carry on, there’s no commute or need to move. He has been horribly inconsiderate, even if you were a sahm, he could bloody well communicate with you. Why is the lion’s share of parenting falling to you?

I agree with you, OP. I haven't read the whole thread, only your responses to it, and it sounds like posters think you're being unreasonable. You're not - your DP is assuming you're default childcare because his job is soooo important.

But your job is important too, and you would have liked some time to work extra hours today.

Can he start doing the pick-up for DC? That way you can either work extra or 'deign' to come home on time. Bet it would annoy him if the positions were reversed.

@Satinthedarkwithlight I hope your day has started better than yesterday was.

FWIW, MN can be an awful place. I’ve found that sometimes having everyone saying ‘oh but somehow it’s your fault’ has nicely confirmed that actually yes I am right and have good reasons to be annoyed/angry/carrying in as I did.
Plus bringing the same issue in different places or at different times just brings you totally different answers 🤣🤣

Did you manage to speak to your DH yesterday evening when things had quieten down a bit? What did he say?

@MichelleScarn to be fair, I don’t think there is anything wrong with OP’s reaction.
She came saying she was angry but didn’t trust herself to speak to her DH then as it would be counterproductive.
People have been goading, telling to just communicate, that it’s her fault and then be surprised that she got annoyed/angry when she didn’t just jump and do as she was told for the reasons she explained right at the start!!
But yay, all the OP’s fault for being hard work and poor husband (who doesn’t give a shit about the OP or their dc that he can ignore the crying whilst being in the living room, not even in a spare bedroom with the door shut)

That was a nice example of full on MN turning on an OP because they dare not do as they are told/agree to whatever some posters think is the ‘right’ ay of doing things.

@Satinthedarkwithlight

No but I have been called a ‘nightmare’ told to ‘grown up’ a ‘teenager’ ‘sweet pea’ been sworn at, eyes rolled at me.

So I am not sure there is a particularly dramatic difference and it really does not matter. I think we have established I am lucky anyone wanted to be my partner and no wonder he stays in the dining room. I would too I think.

@Satinthedarkwithlight, Hope you are OK.

Not RTFT but seen your post and some of the replies.

When I posted about something completely unrelated I got replies that were encouraging and some that made me feel completely worthless. I think some posters forge that OP is a real live human being.

Please speak with your DH about sharing the parenting.

Best wishes to you and your family. Today is a new day.

@MontEthna did you mean to direct that at me? My last post was factual, stating that no poster had written that op was " fucking useless and ugly and a piece of shit" and I said I hoped she had real life support and encouraged her to speak to health visitor.

I think it's pertinent that OP implied this was a one off, as when someone queried how she was this worked up over a one off it must be more than that, OP put them in their place.

So when you take the situation as per OP. Which is that DH typically finishes WFH by 5.30. And yesterday at twenty past 6, he's still working, 6ft away from her in the dining room. She asks if she's BU to be "seething" with him, why can't he have the decency to say he's working late, or come and help her.

It was pointed out to her yes she is BU because she could simply ask the person right in front of her. Or that he perhaps didn't think it necessary to say "I'm still working" when she's right in front of him and can see that. And quite relevant is that it's only 50 mins extra than usual when she starts her thread. Basically, she's collected DC from nursery, and on return, DH hasn't put his laptop away, which is a one off. And she's seething that he hasn't said anything, despite her being able to see what he's doing, and claims she can't ask him "how much longer will you be" (which is the obvious thing to do to someone right in front of you) because she's irate.

He stops working just before 7.

The AIBU is essentially: AIBU to be seething that DH has worked 50mins (to become 90mins) later than usual, whilst sat in front of me, without declaring this, and I've had to do the bedtime routine on my own, this once. And the consensus is yes, if you can't speak to your own husband about how long he will be, because you've got into such a grump over this one off occurrence, yes, yabu.

What OP then descended into, I'm not entirely sure, but echo PP that I hope she's ok, as the direction she took was quite extreme, and I'm glad people called her out on it, because no poster remotely called her a worthless piece of shit, and I hope she takes the advice to speak to someone.

He's under pressure, you're under pressure. Equal stress. Just talk to him.

Communication is really important. Sometimes I'm absolutely crap at it and I'll keep working away because I've got a deadline looming and get caught up in my work. I feel bad when my husband has to ask me when I'm planning to finish (I work from home) because I know its crap to be the person who feels like they're being kept waiting. And we don't even have kids in that mix.

Agree trifles and its frustrating with the admonishment coming from posters with regards to 'turning on OP' and ignoring the aggression from OP, who don't read the full thread.

@MichelleScarn

Agree trifles and its frustrating with the admonishment coming from posters with regards to 'turning on OP' and ignoring the aggression from OP, who don't read the full thread.

Absolutely. The only "turning on" was from OP, and posters subsequently defending her attacks she then made out were nasty, then the bizarre "well you all think I'm worthless".

I'm so glad it was called out. Most of the time, as soon as that happens, people come rushing with "oh my god, don't listen to any one, you're amazing and these people are all nasty". No. Not at all. It's then trying to decipher whether the outbursts are it's clutching at straws and attention, having had slightly too much to drink, or indicative of something bigger going on.

To me, it didn't sound right, like she was at the end of her tether, and very little to do with the stand alone issue she was posting about. I hope she's spoken to someone today.

@TwinsandTrifle

I think it's pertinent that OP implied this was a one off, as when someone queried how she was this worked up over a one off it must be more than that, OP put them in their place.

So when you take the situation as per OP. Which is that DH typically finishes WFH by 5.30. And yesterday at twenty past 6, he's still working, 6ft away from her in the dining room. She asks if she's BU to be "seething" with him, why can't he have the decency to say he's working late, or come and help her.

It was pointed out to her yes she is BU because she could simply ask the person right in front of her. Or that he perhaps didn't think it necessary to say "I'm still working" when she's right in front of him and can see that. And quite relevant is that it's only 50 mins extra than usual when she starts her thread. Basically, she's collected DC from nursery, and on return, DH hasn't put his laptop away, which is a one off. And she's seething that he hasn't said anything, despite her being able to see what he's doing, and claims she can't ask him "how much longer will you be" (which is the obvious thing to do to someone right in front of you) because she's irate.

He stops working just before 7.

The AIBU is essentially: AIBU to be seething that DH has worked 50mins (to become 90mins) later than usual, whilst sat in front of me, without declaring this, and I've had to do the bedtime routine on my own, this once. And the consensus is yes, if you can't speak to your own husband about how long he will be, because you've got into such a grump over this one off occurrence, yes, yabu.

What OP then descended into, I'm not entirely sure, but echo PP that I hope she's ok, as the direction she took was quite extreme, and I'm glad people called her out on it, because no poster remotely called her a worthless piece of shit, and I hope she takes the advice to speak to someone.

Oh my days..give it a rest!! OP, hope you’re not still reading this nonsense. Some posters are so over invested and literally don’t stop even when it’s clear they have caused an undue amount of hurt.

Arrange days that he collects DC from nursery and days you do, then if you need to work late you can on those days and him on his days.

I'm afraid it's human nature if you don't have to finish work and you're under pressure you will continue to work. If he has to do the nursery collection, then he will finish work!

Out of interest, do you cook separate meals? I never understand this.

@Satinthedarkwithlight

I am saying it,

Hard work
Piece of shit
Immature
Ugly
Useless
Can’t cope with own kid
Lazy
Thick
Shit
Shit
Shit
Shit
Shit

Sorry missed this, much more going on I think.

I get it op my dh is terrible it.

Just presuming because I’ve picked the children up and am now home with them it doesn’t matter when he actually gets in from because you know I’m doing the grafting. Doesn’t matter how many times we have the argument it doesn’t sink into his stupid self only thinking fat head.

I won’t keep the children up to see him, I’ll eat without him. When he wonder why he doesn’t know something about the children or school I point him to his emails or say maybe if he was actually home to speak to one of his children he would know. I’m not his PA or his mummy.

When the 5 year old no matter what time of day goes, “daddy’s late again” you know his just useless at time keeping or giving a shiney shite.

I’m passed being angry and raging about it now I just feel sorry for the children and sometimes remind him that nobody on their death bed wishes they worked more hours. All the children have had it out with him in one way or another but his just useless when it comes to saying no to a last minute job or over running meeting.