To get really fucked off when DP does this?

[Satinthedarkwithlight]

He is working late and has not bothered to let me know. Normally finishes between 5-530 and it is 630 and I am sat with an increasingly fractious ten and a half month old.

AIBU to think it’s common courtesy to communicate?

My husband has form for this and it is irritating.

It's common courtesy to at least let you know. Ignore everyone making out that it's your problem. It's not fair for you to havd to step up and be the communicator all the time. He needs to be proactive.

This thread is a bit nuts. I don't understand why you don't go and speak to him

Well yes, he's clearly avoiding parenting, but if you're avoiding walking into the next room to mention it to him then there's not much to be done.

You are most certainly not to blame, and make bloody sure you have a conversation about the bare basic courtesy of communicating a change of routine so that you can work around it, and appreciating that he can do that, because you do.

It’s more the principle tbh

I am capable of dealing with DC. It upsets me that he can hear us and ignores us though and that he thinks he can live his life as he always did.

It used to drive me crazy when DH did this, so I decided I wasn’t going to wait - he knows what the evening routine is and once the children are in bed, I make dinner and eat. If he’s home, great, but if not he can sort himself out when he gets in. Crack on, don’t wait.

I think you seem really angry and nothing anyone can say here is going to make you feel better!

Personally I think YABU for not just popping your head in and asking if he's finishing soon. I'm assuming he hasn't just decided to work late for the fun of it? Time can get away from you in that situation, I've done it before!

And if he wasn't WFH he would be able to hear the baby and think "perhaps she'd love a break". Perhaps he'd love to not be listening to that whilst potentially working late and already feeling stressed? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do I? I’m not really angry. I’m pissed off but not actually raging. Yet

He can always go back to the office though if the baby’s noise is disturbing him. Where do you think I should take a shouty baby at this time!?

@Satinthedarkwithlight

It’s more the principle tbh

I am capable of dealing with DC. It upsets me that he can hear us and ignores us though and that he thinks he can live his life as he always did.

Then you need to talk to him about it.

Or just seethe.

@Satinthedarkwithlight

Well, if I wasn’t here, he wouldn’t be able to work, *@SparklesAndFlowers*, and I do think that when one person is forced into doing a disproportionately long ‘shift’ single handedly a word of thanks is good, yes.

I think when you can clearly hear a baby shouting and whinging and crying for over an hour if it doesn’t occur to you to think perhaps she’d love a break then the laptop cord need shoving somewhere.

You each have your role. Do you ever thank him for working to allow you to be at home with your child? It works both ways.

Saying he can only work because you're there to look after DC doesn't trump everything else.

Oh for gods sake. You’re not listening to anyone. How. Does. Seething. Help. You.

I think if you're the one working you might have to work til you're done. I often do when DH has the kids, and vice versa. He might be thinking well, I have masses to do & I must suck it up -so Satin will unfortunately need to as well.

@SparklesAndFlowers what are you on about? I got in from work myself at 5.

I might just stay till 7 tomorrow now!

Cool, I’ve got masses to do too.

@Satinthedarkwithlight maybe either go and chuck the child at him, or flip the fuses 🤷🏻‍♀️ or keep the thread going 😂

@Satinthedarkwithlight

Or just seethe.

Then nothing will change, and he will think you're happy with it.

Why can't you talk to him about it?

And I'm the one who works, DH is a SAHD. Very occasionally I can hear DC crying while I'm working. But I'm working. Just because I'm home doesn't mean I can just down tools every time DC cries, even if DH is getting stressed. According to lots on this thread I'm "avoiding parenting" when I do so. I'm not, I get stressed hearing it too, I'm just trying to get my work done at the same time.

Like I say, one thing doesn't trump another.

It's very hard when you feel like the one who picks up the slack, and the other person just keeps on doing what they're doing, knowing you'll pick up the slack, because, you know, baby. Someone's got to look after the baby. And both of you should make that a priority (and looking after your relationship too), and it really feels like someone is taking the piss when they pretend there is no BABY.

Ah OK- so you've just yourself taken over from another childcare option at 5? Then surely you're on for bath & bedtime tonight, he's on for something else tomorrow? It feels like you have a gut feeling he's trying to get out of childcare and to be honest none of us can tell you if that's true or not. The answer is the same though, you have to talk to him.

[quote Satinthedarkwithlight]@SparklesAndFlowers what are you on about? I got in from work myself at 5.

I might just stay till 7 tomorrow now![/quote]
Oh, okay. I didn't realise you'd only been hanging with DC since half 5. It sounded like you'd been with them all day and were totally fed up by the screaming.

I don't think 90 minutes is so bad. I'm assuming it doesn't happen every day.

@inininsomnia

Maybe he's under extra pressure at work today? Does he know this is a problem or are you hoping he'll read your mind?

This

Sometimes you just get sucked into a black hole dealing with something

Although to be honest OP you sound like a bit of a nightmare so maybe he is purposefully ignoring you

I don’t think he’s trying to get out of childcare as such but I do think he’s taking it for granted that I’ll do everything and I am because I am being given no choice.

It is one thing to work late. ‘I’m so sorry I am having to do X, I should be done by 730’ is fine. Sitting there just merrily ignoring your partner and child is not.

Imagine if we both decided we were going to work until 715 (yes he has gone back. No I’m not going to talk to him because I am both annoyed and exhausted and these conversations aren’t good then.)

Why do I sound like a nightmare?

Go on, I’m genuinely interested as I do think he might be avoiding me.

ok yes he might be taking for granted you are default parent. And this often happens after maternity leave. Again, you do have to find a way to talk about it. I agree he "should" do better but if he doesn't you've got no choice but to make your case.