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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get really fucked off when DP does this?

197 replies

Satinthedarkwithlight · 06/10/2021 18:23

He is working late and has not bothered to let me know. Normally finishes between 5-530 and it is 630 and I am sat with an increasingly fractious ten and a half month old.

AIBU to think it’s common courtesy to communicate?

OP posts:
Loveshelly · 06/10/2021 19:52

It’s the presumption that’s the problem.
And actually I think WFH makes it harder. Because he’s there! So he doesn’t think he’s “out” ifswim

georgarina · 06/10/2021 19:52

Honestly best thing is just to go in and ask even if you're annoyed.

I remember I was once at a wedding with dp and our then-3 month old and I had to go into the other room to settle him during dinner. It was taking ages and I was so angry..but when I came back dp asked where I'd been and told me not to suffer on my own and just let him know.

Not that it always works perfectly but you do need to communicate and sometimes it even turns out that the other person hasn't even realised what's gone on while you've been silently pissed off.

likeafishneedsabike · 06/10/2021 19:53

@tenredthings

It's out of order. If he has to work late he should explain or negotiate. The assumption that you will be the fall back option for your DC isn't ok. This sort of attitude really pissed me off when my DC were little. You need to arrange a time with him to set some rules about sharing responsibility.
This. The ‘mum is the default parent’ setting is a trap I have fought against very hard (with a little but not total success)
NerrSnerr · 06/10/2021 19:53

@Satinthedarkwithlight

I was in the middle of something important today too. Would nursery have understood this?
This is why you need to talk to him. Of course not right now but the discussion needs to be had.

If after talking he still thinks that you should do it all and his job trumps yours then you have some big decisions to make because it won't get better. You both need to be on the same page when it comes to juggling work and childcare.

Ughmaybenot · 06/10/2021 19:54

[quote Satinthedarkwithlight]@Ughmaybenot

Because when you and your child are treated like you don’t exist, are not important, and don’t matter, your confidence goes to shit and you don’t feel like having a big confrontation.[/quote]
I’m sorry that it would turn into a big confrontation for you, it’s a shame you’re not feeling able to speak to him about it. I wasn’t having a go at you for the way you’re feeling, just trying to suggest a possible option. Sorry you’ve had a rough evening.

CheesyWeez · 06/10/2021 19:56

I would be fed up too.

No one gets to pretend they don't have a baby.

Engage someone to fetch baby from nursery, bring him home, ring the bell and hand him to DH.

There's obviously no need for anyone to let anyone else know they're working late. Have a good catchup at work OP

DrSbaitso · 06/10/2021 20:02

@Satinthedarkwithlight

Dr - we aren’t going to agree here. I’ll be going to bed when ds is down anyway. (Hopefully in the next half hour!)
We're not disagreeing! I'm asking why you won't talk to him when that's the obvious thing to do.

So now your updates say he always treats you and your child like you don't matter? Well then, if telling him how you feel isn't an option, I guess you have to either live with it or live without it.

burritofan · 06/10/2021 20:02

I think you’d have had different responses if you’d said in your OP: I clocked off work, went to nursery to pick up DC, came home and DP who’s supposed to finish at X time is still working and hasn’t texted to let me know – he’s assuming I’m the default parent and he can work as best suits him. But I’ve got more work to do, yet I have to wait til DC is in bed to do it, so my day will finish at 11. DP will hide on laptop until bedtime is over, then clock off and his day finishes at 7.30.”

Or similar.

RobertaFirmino · 06/10/2021 20:05

I have a feeling this isn't really about today's late finish at all. I suspect it might be the straw that has broken the camel's back. OP, is this a one off or are there more problems at home?

Original poster
Satinthedarkwithlight · 06/10/2021 20:06

I have to live with it. But of course it gets to me. I am human.

I shouldn’t have to give my entire day as a blow my blow account to get different responses.

OP posts:
Whydidimarryhim · 06/10/2021 20:09

Hi op do you collect your little one from nursery - can you let him know tomorrow your working late and he needs to do it?

DrSbaitso · 06/10/2021 20:09

@Satinthedarkwithlight

I have to live with it. But of course it gets to me. I am human.

I shouldn’t have to give my entire day as a blow my blow account to get different responses.

Well no, you actually don't. You don't have to live with someone who, by your own account, treats you and your shared child as if you don't matter, and who is not open to any kind of discussion on the matter.

The only thing we can suggest to you is attempting to open dialogue with him, learn to love with it or make plans not to live with it. We're not going to tell you it's ok for him to treat you this way.

burritofan · 06/10/2021 20:11

You don’t have to give a blow by blow. But drip-feeding in short posts leads to people filling in the blanks themselves or trying to guess the issue.

I do think you should have walked in there with a howling baby, though, and plonked him on the laptop without a word. If he doesn’t have the courtesy to tell you he has to work late, you don’t have to have the courtesy to tell him he has to parent now.

Amiwronghere · 06/10/2021 20:12

At 5.30 I’dve gone to him, baby in arms, and asked what was going on. Has he eaten? Is he expecting to be fed by you, as well as you put his child to bed, without so much as a glance from him?

YellsiBabs · 06/10/2021 20:14

Get a grip, OP

ChequerBoard · 06/10/2021 20:14

Jesus OP, he is visibly working, not off down the pub. Are you usually so difficult about his working hours?

Why do you need him anyway, what can he magically do that you can't??

Original poster
Satinthedarkwithlight · 06/10/2021 20:15

No, he sorts his own food out.

I don’t think I have done a drip feed at all. I think my only point is I’d have liked to have been kept in the loop. No one is saying he can never work late. I am saying that letting me know he’s working late and to give an approximation of finishing time would be good.

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 06/10/2021 20:17

Because when you and your child are treated like you don’t exist, are not important, and don’t matter, your confidence goes to shit and you don’t feel like having a big confrontation.

How often does it happen? And what about in other ways, not just work? like this: and that he thinks he can live his life as he always did.

Is this about other things too? Like going out whenever he feels like it and for as long as he likes? Like doing the occasional good bits with DC but his first priority is doing what he wants to do and just assuming the baby will still be alive when he deigns to return because you'll have sorted it?

Has tonight tipped you over the edge, but actually it goes much deeper?

burritofan · 06/10/2021 20:17

Why do you need him anyway, what can he magically do that you can't??
His share of the parenting. OP finished work on time in order to parent, even though she had more work to do. Why isn’t he doing the same?

Furble · 06/10/2021 20:18

Do you guys take it in turns to do the nursery pick ups? My husband and I both work full time and have young kids but each take it in turns to have our evenings when we plan to work late and then one evening per week when we both try and be at home.

I don’t think it’s fair to assume that because you’re the mother you are responsible for all child care pickups and can never work late yourself, that disadvantages your career!

When you’ve calmed down, do talk about it. Maybe something came up in which case it’s not unreasonable to ask him to communicate, or maybe he just finds it easier to work than wrestle a grizzly baby (I know which id rather do)!

Thatsplentyjack · 06/10/2021 20:18

[quote IShoveLula]@Thatsplentyjack, OP has been at work all day and had to finish on time because she has a child.[/quote]
So her husbands work ran over this one time, while she could actually see him in the next room and he's just to be dumped with the child? We'd attitude. Unless this happens all the time and he is generally useless but I don't get that impression. This is just not a big deal.

MichelleScarn · 06/10/2021 20:20

I'm confused, so op finished work at 5, picked up dc from nursery, came home, dh was still working, but an hour and 20 minutes after finishing work lost her shit because she needed a break from childcare?

How long were you at home before you wanted dh to take over?

Original poster
Satinthedarkwithlight · 06/10/2021 20:21

You’re not confused, you just think I am useless. Fine. Say so.

I didn’t necessarily want him to take over. I wanted to have some idea when he was likely to finish.

It is extremely isolating having another adult there, yet not there.

OP posts:
TwinsandTrifle · 06/10/2021 20:22

If I’d just decided I was staying at work until 7, SS would have been called.

Is this for real? He hasn't "stayed at work" he's working from home, essentially 6ft away from you. Grow up. You can ask him the question instead of this bizarre "I've come on here to seethe instead" because he hasn't volunteered what time he's working until? Why are you acting like neither of you can speak a word to each other when he's right there?

SecretKeeper1 · 06/10/2021 20:26

OP is getting a lot of grief here, but I too would be pissed off if my husband could hear the baby shouting/crying and has not bothered to stick his head out and give OP even a few minutes break. Doesn’t say much for his paternal instincts either, knowing his kid is upset and ignoring it.

Having said all that, I would almost definitely have plonked the baby on his laptop by now and left the room.