To get really fucked off when DP does this?

[Satinthedarkwithlight]

He is working late and has not bothered to let me know. Normally finishes between 5-530 and it is 630 and I am sat with an increasingly fractious ten and a half month old.

AIBU to think it’s common courtesy to communicate?

@Thatsplentyjack, OP has been at work all day and had to finish on time because she has a child.

Dr - we aren’t going to agree here. I’ll be going to bed when ds is down anyway. (Hopefully in the next half hour!)

I don't get it
You had your baby for an hour and you're in a strop cos you want your partner to take over?

It's all just give and take isn't it. Put the baby to bed and go to bed yourself. Tomorrow is a new day.

It's out of order. If he has to work late he should explain or negotiate. The assumption that you will be the fall back option for your DC isn't ok. This sort of attitude really pissed me off when my DC were little. You need to arrange a time with him to set some rules about sharing responsibility.

@Satinthedarkwithlight

Well, if I wasn’t here, he wouldn’t be able to work, *@SparklesAndFlowers*, and I do think that when one person is forced into doing a disproportionately long ‘shift’ single handedly a word of thanks is good, yes.

I think when you can clearly hear a baby shouting and whinging and crying for over an hour if it doesn’t occur to you to think perhaps she’d love a break then the laptop cord need shoving somewhere.

So you'll be thanking your husband as well for his "disproportionately" long shift?

Bloody hell, My Husband went off to work one morning when i had a toddler and a tiny baby, he came home 4 days later, i only knew that he had flown out to Canada because i meet his boss's wife in the NAAFI , you have one baby, your Husband is in the next room working and you have got your knickers in a twist because he is working late! You can see he is working so why does he need to tell you ? Can't you cope ?

Have set days when you each do 5-8 so you are not default parent every day

Some have said he is in the house, the next room and why do you just not go in. I do get why you do not go in. OP feels she should not have to go in begging/asking him to join them for the family dinner and to spend time with his child. I hope you are ok as feel this could be just the icing on the cake. Get a big bloodywell bell and give it a ring when dinner is served. He should get the message. Seriously though please sit down and talk with him as a baby changes things and don't let it get as far as you don't communicate. By the way on a lighter note, you have anything nice for dinner? xx

Is there anything you (unfortunately) can do to help baby not need to shout..... ? Do you actually mean shouting? Or cryng? If you can prevent it/attend to them, then don't make your kid suffer to prove a point....

Back in the Olden Days, my husband (working outside the home) was supposed to finish work at 3:30, he would ring to say to would be 6:30. And then ring again to say it would be 9:30. (And he had eaten thankyouverymuch.)

in the end he wanted to take a job in Holland. I agreed to it, as he was never seeing our daughter anyway, and I was developing an eating disorder.

We are divorced.

I would just suggest to be reasonable. And try and have some agreement about situations like this from now on.

you’ve had your baby for an hour

Closer to three

Yes I can cope. Doesn’t make it particularly easy or pleasant. But I shall shut up and be grateful for the Man Working.

So much drama!!

Of course I’m not making my baby suffer!

It’s close to bedtime, he’s bored and fractious and shouty. I’m trying to entertain him but it’s hard going at this time of night.

Is there? Where?

@LowlandLucky, she can cope, her knickers is in a twist because her DH is assuming that it is fine to keep on working wthout telling her

@LowlandLucky

Bloody hell, My Husband went off to work one morning when i had a toddler and a tiny baby, he came home 4 days later, i only knew that he had flown out to Canada because i meet his boss's wife in the NAAFI , you have one baby, your Husband is in the next room working and you have got your knickers in a twist because he is working late! You can see he is working so why does he need to tell you ? Can't you cope ?

I don't see why the fact that your DH was thoughtless to the point of leaving the country for 4 days no contact, means that OP shouldn't have the consideration of her DH in negotiating care of their child.

I get it OP, it's the blithe assumption that you are the primary carer and what else you do is of secondary importance to him and his job. You don't want him to ask your permission to work late, you don't want him to grovel, you just want to know that you and your contribution is not being taken for granted and that you are not being treated like the maid/nanny.
I would talk to him tomorrow when you are calmer. But if it is a repeat offence I think the only thing that is going to work is a bit of tit for tat. You having to work late one day and then just not getting in touch when you are supposed to be finishing. Might be petty but it would get the point across.

Race to the bottom. It always is on here. And ‘drama’ if you have a moan about it.

@Satinthedarkwithlight

I was in the middle of something important today too. Would nursery have understood this?

This is exactly the point I just made to my DH when he rocked up half an hour late for bathtime just now. And he did message to tell me he was going to be late. Not helpful though, shopping is due to be delivered, as he well knows, so I can't put DCs in the bath because 100% it will come when they're in there. So we all dance to his merry tune. Except we don't, because I'm going out now.

Oh I was all on board to side with you on this, as my husband has no set finish time and regularly finishes between 8pm and 11pm… oh and he’s not in the next room, he’s somewhere about the countryside
I can feel the frustration in each of your posts but honestly I really think you just need to work on your communication, both of you. I can’t imagine why you didn’t just stick your head around the door and get an update, or give him a nudge, seething gets you absolutely nowhere.

@LowlandLucky
I mean in all honesty. Why on Earth would you come onto a thread and tell a fractious and tired OP you’re utterly ridiculous story about how crap and awful your husband is.
I didn’t realise this was the 1950s

I’m sorry your husband thought you were so worthless not to even mention he was going away, that must be really tough to have to live with.

@Satinthedarkwithlight

It’s more the principle tbh

I am capable of dealing with DC. It upsets me that he can hear us and ignores us though and that he thinks he can live his life as he always did.

I get that. The principle that he is beholden to no one while you have the responsibility of being an adult and a parent. We apologise like mad to each other for working late because it pushes the other adult into doing ALL of the evening housework and ALL of the parenting instead of a 50/50 split.

Also tho, I do understand the frustration, and as someone else said upthread, with a fractious baby of that age, time certainly doesn’t always exactly fly by!!

@Ughmaybenot

Because when you and your child are treated like you don’t exist, are not important, and don’t matter, your confidence goes to shit and you don’t feel like having a big confrontation.

@Ughmaybenot why is it the OPs responsibility to get her DH to act like a decent thoughtful human being?

It's possible he is avoiding doing his share of the work.

It's possible his boss has dumped work on him at the last minute.

There is no way for MNers to know. But MN jury has passed It's verdict.