To get really fucked off when DP does this?

[Satinthedarkwithlight]

He is working late and has not bothered to let me know. Normally finishes between 5-530 and it is 630 and I am sat with an increasingly fractious ten and a half month old.

AIBU to think it’s common courtesy to communicate?

Because its not like he's actually physio at work where he has someone to tell him to go home ect maybe he is really into his work, in the zone as they say. But if I were you whenever he should be finishing I would have waved my hand in his face or whatever to get his attention and say its nearly 5 ect

Indeed, which is probably why the poor bastard is in the dining room while I struggle.

Everyone would be better without me.

Leave it now. Enough of being told what a worthless piece of shit I am. I do know that thanks.

Physically I meant

Don't do anything tonight. If you WFH, get your DH to do the nursery run half the time, and continue working till 7.30 if you want to

But no one on here has told you your a worthless piece of shit op?

I don’t WFH, no one wants this ugly piece of worthless shit around.

Hard work worthless piece of shit, I meant.

Are you sure you’re not a teenage mum.

Because this seems like a teenage strop at mumsnet - FYI we are not your mum.
We don’t give a fuck, we were just trying to help

I am saying it,

Hard work
Piece of shit
Immature
Ugly
Useless
Can’t cope with own kid
Lazy
Thick
Shit
Shit
Shit
Shit
Shit

Nobody is suggesting you're ugly, or worthless, or a piece of shit. Where are you getting this feeling from? It's not Mumsnet, but it looks like transference so you don't have to confront the real source.

I get it O.P DH often works over his time and did do at the office whilst I was left to do all the extras in babyhood and toddlerhood and even now though its easier now as 1: DD is 5 and a whole lot easier and 2: he works from home for now. I also work but its shift work so it seems less difficult these days than it did atvthe beginning. He knows its not suitable to stay on but there are days he struggles with his loyalty to work. No justification there but when hes finished work hes a great dad who does all the homework and bedtimes and DD loves it.

If you don’t give a fuck why are you being so awful?

You must give a fuck on some level, even if it’s only because it’s enjoyable making someone feel so awful about themselves.

So. I now know I am fucking useless and ugly and a piece of shit. I don’t blame him for staying in the dining room I would too.

@Satinthedarkwithlight

I am saying it,

Hard work
Piece of shit
Immature
Ugly
Useless
Can’t cope with own kid
Lazy
Thick
Shit
Shit
Shit
Shit
Shit

Well WE are not saying it.

Where is this coming from, OP? It's entirely untrue, so why do you think it? And why can't you discuss it with your life partner and co parent?

Poor op!! Has been handed a serve. Whatever he has on at work didn’t involve having his tongue cut out and seems like he can still email/ message. You’re all having a go at the op, id hand the baby to dh and go to another room and if he said anything I’d say oh are we supposed to communicate about parenting now? I thought we could just step back and the other parent would just get on with it. So you'd love me

I don’t think I have been awful. But if you think I have, I apologise

No but I have been called a ‘nightmare’ told to ‘grown up’ a ‘teenager’ ‘sweet pea’ been sworn at, eyes rolled at me.

So I am not sure there is a particularly dramatic difference and it really does not matter. I think we have established I am lucky anyone wanted to be my partner and no wonder he stays in the dining room. I would too I think.

@Satinthedarkwithlight

Yes, I had about ninety minutes with my child AFTER dropping him off, doing a full days work, picking him up, then stuck in the front room with an increasingly fractious child with no communication at all.

Not fun.

You do realise that communication is a two way thing? What was stopping you from speaking to your DP?

(and I had a 3yo, a newborn, and a full time job, so yes, I have been there. No, it's not fun)

@Satinthedarkwithlight Sorry you've not had more support, some of us get it honestly! You DESERVE some support and respect and consideration from your partner.

I don’t think he’s trying to get out of childcare as such but I do think he’s taking it for granted that I’ll do everything and I am because I am being given no choice.

You need to talk to him OP he probably has no idea how overwhelmed you’re feeling.

Have a quick chat and say you’re feeling tired and feel you are doing the majority of the childcare and that you need a break so tomorrow after work he can look after the children whilst you have a long bath and an early night.

Oh fuck it, I'm worried now so I'm going to stop trying to guide you to it and just say it. OP, these awful feelings of self loathing aren't coming from a one off thread on Mumsnet. It sounds to me as if they are coming from your feelings about about your partner and how you feel he treats you. For some reason you'd rather turn it inward and direct it at yourself, or perhaps Mumsnet, than him.

What's he done to make you feel this way, yet feel utterly unable to talk to him about it? Can't you see that this level of hurt and anger has to go somewhere and if you continue merely to "seethe", things are going to explode?

OP you don't sound well.

If something has triggered you today as a one off. Perhaps step away from the screen because posting here is clearly not good for you right now. If you have been drinking, stop. Because you've gone rapidly from this not talking to your husband yet he's in the room next door, to shouting very different things in quite a short space of time.

If this is not a one off, and you've been thinking these things for some time, then this is bugger all to do with your husband going on his laptop for an hour extra, and you need to speak to someone.

I think OP is getting an unfair and rough ride here- both from her partner and from some respondents - she's done all the parenting, plus a day at work, her partner is ignoring her and his child- whether its for work or just avoidance, who knows, but its ignorant and unsupportive,

she has a right to her feelings, and some support to deal with them and find a way forward, why knock her at a bad moment?

• surely we've all had moments when we just need to blurt it out, try to put some humour into it to stop ourselves going over the top, and then react a bit wobbly when people respond

Blimey, op, are you all right? You started off by saying this was a one-off and ended by saying that your dp never helps or communicate and things are shit - but that doesn't mean you're a bad person or there's anything wrong with you!

Why not get a good night's sleep tonight then talk to your h tomorrow about his work timings and a fairer division of labour?

Op I totally get it. I bet if you did say something to DP he'd be all defensive and arsy and you're already annoyed about being ignored and it wouldn't end well.

No idea why some other posters have given you a hard time. It's common courtesy to communicate and both take responsibility for your joint child. Like you said, it's hardly as if you could have just decided to work late and not collected him from nursery. But some how it's ok for him to do it.

You seethe away on here

I've read all of your posts and was going to say that I often feel the same being the default parent and it's just assumed you do everything because you're the mother (this has actually been said to me many times), however I think the thread has turned into something completely different.

No one here has said you are worthless or ugly. Is everything else okay (it's clearly not)? Is this your first baby? I found that I lost myself for quite a long time, hated the person I'd become and used wine to make me feel good.

Talk to people, don't shut yourself off x