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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 06/10/2021 17:15

I also think the message sent is a perfectly reasonable one - one of consideration to others even if it means adjusting your plans slightly. Nothing wrong there

Original poster

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 17:16

@NailsNeedDoing

I understand completely where you’re coming from, it’s hurts to see your children being treated badly by anyone, let alone their only other parent.

I could just about get over it if he still expected to take them for dinner, but the fact that he won’t either stick up for them enough to take them home or take them out for dinner means he’s being a shit.

Thank you for this that's exactly how I feel.

OP posts:

HugeAckmansWife · 06/10/2021 17:16

Sorry op. I'm usually firmly in the RPs camp on this kind of thing but not this time. It may well be that it didn't occur to him it would be an issue and she had to point it out but that's hardly an unusual male / female dynamic is it? I agree with pp that you should encourage your kids to see this as a sensible and caring precaution for their soon to be half sibling (I don't think the Cs is relevant by the way.. A vaginal birth would be much fun with d&v either).
The wider issue of shifts and contact is one to address post birth and recovery. It would be reasonable to ask for a sit down to consider how all 5 kids are going to feel included and valued but that's nothing to do with this as a one off.

grapewine · 06/10/2021 17:17

Kids getting ill is part and parcel of being a parent, should all dad's get to opt out when their child(ren) aren't well? I don't have that luxury unfortunately. As a PP said, what would he do if they lived with him full time?

But they don't, and he saw them. You're being unreasonable because you don't like her. If it's dinner, ask him to buy them a meal of something.

Skinnymuffins · 06/10/2021 17:17

@SoupDragon

He was happy to take them when he arrived, no talk of changing plans or going to the park. It was only once he'd clearly spoken to her that things changed. Personally I don't think he would have changed plans at all without some strong arming on her part.

He isn't the one who is heavily pregnant and about to have a baby! He is clueless.

I didn't know she was going to be delivering via section, he only told me that today.

Presumably you knew she was at term? C-section or not it's inappropriate.

And why would you know she's due for a x-section? You've only been told as there's a risk of catching this bug.

When you said about it's obviously her calling the shots - yes! It's her body, her baby, her C-section! Also, he may have took the other two and done the really mature thing and instead of deciding without chatting to his partner first, rang her to check if they should have her. She would have said no due to the bug but he's still agreed with the health of a baby in mind. They ultimately decided together in my opinion as he clearly got on the phone to her pretty sharpish to discuss.

The guy works nights to provide for his family and you're slating him? Then this afternoon instead of spending time with all his children at his house, or instead of bringing the kids straight back to yours, HE CHOSE YOUR KIDS. Please look at how you're being.

He's a working dad trying to do the best thing by all his children and his unborn child and today spent time away from his heavily partner and half sibling just to make sure his unborn baby and his children with you were all happy.

44PumpLane · 06/10/2021 17:18

To the person asking what they wpiod do if they still loved together, I imagine they wpiod do everything they coiod to Tey not to get everyone in the household sick whilst still living under the same roof, potentially failing.

Let's say one of my kids goes on a sleepover for 2 nights (they are 4 so this is an "in theory" post, while they are gone the other kid gets a vomiting bug from a play date that the other one hasn't been exposed to... Genuinely, I'd ask my parents to have the unexposed child to save them the risk of getting the bug.

He's taking measures to avoid the spread. Maybe he didn't think about it when he picked them up, maybe his wife pointed it out to him, that's okay, it's reasonable of her to want to avoid it if poss le so he has come up with a good solution.

I'm afraid you are the one with the issue here OP

HeartsAndClubs · 06/10/2021 17:18

Well, if OP is annoyed about having to provide dinner at short notice then he could be as well surely?

Presumably he would have had dinner planned, but the OP instead decided to not bother to tell him until he was actually on his way that one of the DC had been ill, so he would also have to magic up dinner at the last moment.

OP it sounds to me that you deliberately didn’t tell him that the DC was ill thinking that once he had the other two he would have to keep them.

Ordinarily I am a bit re posters who say the DSC should stay away just after they have a baby/that they just want to be “our little family” for a while etc, but a sickness bug is an entirely different animal,and it’s irresponsible to send the children even without a pregnant stepmom in the mix.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/10/2021 17:18

I think it’s a bit short notice if he already has them by the time of making the decision, but you can’t blame the step mum for wanting to be cautious.

I agree he should take them out for dinner - cafe, McDonald’s, wherever he likes

Conair · 06/10/2021 17:19

I think your being unreasonable sorry.
She is heavily pregnant and wants to reduce the risk to herself and her unborn baby, she is able to reduce the risk and is doing so.
Your children are still seeing their dad
You really should have messaged him before as you potentially put her at risk.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 17:19

I don't have that luxury unfortunately. As a PP said, what would he do if they lived with him full time? if they get covid or a stomach bug when you are pregnant and about to give birth when they are with him I would expect them to stay with him.
They don't live with him full time so there's no point even asking what would happen if they did.

VitalsStable · 06/10/2021 17:20

Maybe it's your feelings around DH moving on with his life that are clouding your judgement on this matter as I'm sure you really don't want to put another woman through the stress of perhaps picking up a tummy bug so late in pregnancy and having to postpone a c section, maybe putting the baby at risk. Come on, it's just dinner, it's going to be the sibling to your DC and if they adore the other sibling I'm sure they'd understand the situation just this once.

AlexaShutUp · 06/10/2021 17:20

Yes, getting ill is normal and no, dads should not get to opt out when their kids aren't well. Under normal circumstances, I'd say he should have them and suck it up. However, his partner is nine months pregnant and about to have surgery. Why would you risk it when there are other options available?

And there is no point in saying what would he do if they lived with him full time because that isn't the reality here. They have another home where they can be safe and comfortable.

You sound bitter and resentful about your ex's second family and I think this is clouding your judgement. Understandably, perhaps, but you are not being reasonable.

gogohm · 06/10/2021 17:20

I actually think you should have told him as soon as you knew one was sick. If the tables were turned you wouldn't want sickness brought into your house.

Piggy42 · 06/10/2021 17:21

I’m afraid you are being unreasonable. It’s clear you dislike the new partner but I can understand why she’s trying to avoid sickness when she’s about to have a baby!

Conair · 06/10/2021 17:21

Also sickness bugs spread like wildfire you know this.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 06/10/2021 17:22

I was with him until he hadn't fed them.

I get him wanted to avoid contact with his partner but to just take them to the park instead of actually spending time with them and feeding them/having them for the evening he might as well have brought them home. The weather has been miserable and if one of them was coming down with the virus being on the park in the wind/rain/cold won't have done them much good.

Why couldn't they have gone to McDonalds or Harvester/Toby Carvery on the way home?

RaginaPhalange · 06/10/2021 17:24

I would be annoyed he's not giving them dinner. But I wouldn't want to risk getting a sickness bug before going in for a csection either so I can see their point. He is still spending time with them.

littlefireseverywhere · 06/10/2021 17:24

I don't think its unreasonable in this circumstances as you don't want to affect her c-section and can make other arrangements. However he needs to make sure they're fed etc before bringing them home.

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/10/2021 17:24

I'm sorry but I think you're being unreasonable. The woman is about to go to hospital to have a c-section, I don't imagine she'd want to be dealing with a sick bug too. I get the thing about "parenting" but he doesn't live with your children and that is just how it is. I would have asked him to take them to McDonalds or something to be fed.

Also you're wrong about it not being a Covid symptom. Two children close to me started with sickness and diarrhoea. They both now have full blown Covid.

TheWoleb · 06/10/2021 17:25

When one of mine has a sickness bug, their dad and I rearrange their day with him. I dont send the well one over because there is a good chance he's incubating it and then more people get sick.

AlexaShutUp · 06/10/2021 17:25

Can you imagine the thread from the pregnant partner if he had taken them home?

I don't think he should have seen them personally, as they may have passed something on to him that he may now pass to her. If it is covid - and gastro symptoms are quite common in kids - it could be really dangerous for her and the baby.

You should have contacted him earlier and told him not to come at all.

Lachimolala · 06/10/2021 17:25

I wouldn’t send my kids to their dads if they had a vomiting bug in general let alone of there was a 9 months pregnant woman about to have major abdominal surgery. What if she caught it and was I’ll during her recovery and spread it round the ward? C’mon now don’t be unreasonable and silly.

It’s far better to contain it all at one home until 48 hours after last bout of sickness than it is to spread it to theirs for no good reason.

He still saw them but he should definitely be buying them a maccies or something on the way home.

ConstanceGracy · 06/10/2021 17:27

This is madness, where’s your empathy?? You’re worried about them not having dinner for one night at their dad’s and he’s worrying about his wife or their household becoming sick just before she’s due to have a baby! How selfish are you?!
And btw just so you know, sickness and the runs are possible covid symptoms.. look online.

44PumpLane · 06/10/2021 17:27

Yourstupidityexhaustsme the weather where I am has been glorious all afternoon, t-shirt weather, my DH has been out mowing the grass so footy in the park wpiod be perfect.

Also do we know they've not been fed yet? Are they home? I may have missed that bit but I assumed they were still out?

tintodeverano2 · 06/10/2021 17:27

Why can't you feed your own children?

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