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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
xmash · 06/10/2021 17:03

Hey OP, are you feeling bad about him having another child at all? I'm wondering if you're projecting anger from that onto this. Because the incident alone doesn't sound unreasonable at all.

sociallydistained · 06/10/2021 17:03

YABU and sound like my DSC’s Mum. I’m pregnant and was ill the other week. Nothing to do with anything as my DP took his daughter out as usual and they ate out and didn’t spend any time here and I got bollocked by her because I didn’t spend time with the DC. Should get over it apparently. Not sure what the problem
Was at all if DP and the DC spent the exact amount of time together they should have and everything was well - similar here! Get over it, OP.

Cameleongirl · 06/10/2021 17:04

I think he’s come up with a sensible compromise, but he should still give them their dinner, a pizza out or something.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 17:04

@laurenlodge

Hang on though, what would he have done if the kids were with him full time?! People about to have C-sections wouldn't ban their own kids from the house...
Thank you!

In your shoes I would have messaged and said “X is ill, are you sure you want the other two to come? “ what with them already having DC & his DP due soon.

He was happy to take them when he arrived, no talk of changing plans or going to the park. It was only once he'd clearly spoken to her that things changed. Personally I don't think he would have changed plans at all without some strong arming on her part.

OP posts:
LIZS · 06/10/2021 17:04

I can't entirely blame him but he should still take them out to tea, even if at a supermarket cafe.

someofusdontknowwhy · 06/10/2021 17:04

*My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling but now have been effectively banned from the house. What sort of message is that sending them at a time of upheaval when they already have to deal with the fact there's going to be another child on the scene who lives with dad full time?

It just shows me where they are on his list of priorities.*

You would have a point if spreading illness at a risky time wasn't a factor. But it is so you don't

thunderandsunshine01 · 06/10/2021 17:05

No seems sensible on his part, I’d ask him to take them over to McDonalds or something similar if you haven’t got anything sorted for tea. It was kind of unreasonable for you to let him know that one DC was sick when he was already on his way round… you kind of left him with limited options last minute

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 17:05

If I was you I'd have rang him and said it would be better to cancel this week with his partner due to have a c section . I wouldnr want to risk passing it to their household

I didn't know she was going to be delivering via section, he only told me that today.

OP posts:
FrownedUpon · 06/10/2021 17:06

You’re being unreasonable. I think they have been sensible & I would do the same as them.

Bonheurdupasse · 06/10/2021 17:06

@Orangejuicemarathoner

you are the person who is "spinning" it to the kids being low on his priorities. They wont think so unless you make them think so
This OP

You’re not treating your children well if you express such feelings

Spidey66 · 06/10/2021 17:07

No I have to agree with the others....yes it maybe coming from the stepmum but I don't blame her....firstly she's having a baby and secondly shes having an op to do so. Why risk an infection as well?

If the pregnancy and op weren't factors and s/he were playing the infection card anyway I'd be more sympathetic toward you.

thunderandsunshine01 · 06/10/2021 17:07

I also don’t think it matters whether it was his partners decision or his. She’s about to have surgery so shouldn’t be penalised for being cautious in her own home

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 17:08

@xmash

Hey OP, are you feeling bad about him having another child at all? I'm wondering if you're projecting anger from that onto this. Because the incident alone doesn't sound unreasonable at all.
Not feeling bad no, but I do think it's selfish of him in a way. He chooses to work nights which limits the amount of time he spends with the children he's already got and I just know it'll be mine that miss out more in the long run as today has shown.
OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 06/10/2021 17:08

Tbh, I think you were being utterly irresponsible in sending them when they have obviously been exposed to a bug (whether it's covid or not is irrelevant). I presume that you knew she was heavily pregnant? Why on earth would you risk it?

It sounds like you really dislike his partner. I hope that you manage to hide this well from your kids.

SuperstarDog · 06/10/2021 17:09

What are you actually annoyed about? The kids will be fine not seeing their half sibling til next time. The dinner thing, it’s not really a big deal, make them something quick and easy.

So what if it’s his partner that has made him rethink his plans. She doesn’t want to get a sick bug so close to her c section, who could blame her.

The only inconvenience you you is dinner, but it’s a small issue.

RedRec · 06/10/2021 17:10

You are being totally, utterly unreasonable. Everyone else here on this thread seems to see that too.

QueenCoconut · 06/10/2021 17:11

I think you should stop projecting your insecurities on your children.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 06/10/2021 17:11

He chooses to work nights which limits the amount of time he spends with the children he's already got and I just know it'll be mine that miss out more in the long run as today has shown

Here's your issue OP - nothing to do with a change of plans and everything to do with feeling insecure because you're unable to call the shots with his new partner

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 17:12

@AlexaShutUp

Tbh, I think you were being utterly irresponsible in sending them when they have obviously been exposed to a bug (whether it's covid or not is irrelevant). I presume that you knew she was heavily pregnant? Why on earth would you risk it?

It sounds like you really dislike his partner. I hope that you manage to hide this well from your kids.

Kids getting ill is part and parcel of being a parent, should all dad's get to opt out when their child(ren) aren't well? I don't have that luxury unfortunately. As a PP said, what would he do if they lived with him full time?

I don't like her and I won't pretend that I do but yes I do hide it from the children and they are none the wiser.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 06/10/2021 17:12

He was happy to take them when he arrived, no talk of changing plans or going to the park. It was only once he'd clearly spoken to her that things changed. Personally I don't think he would have changed plans at all without some strong arming on her part.

He isn't the one who is heavily pregnant and about to have a baby! He is clueless.

I didn't know she was going to be delivering via section, he only told me that today.

Presumably you knew she was at term? C-section or not it's inappropriate.

thelastgoldeneagle · 06/10/2021 17:13

Yabu! I wouldn't want kids from a family with a sick bug in my house either, especially when I was about to have a C section!

Thatsplentyjack · 06/10/2021 17:13

Im sire the kids will be happy they are getting some time alone with their dad. Nice for them to spend time with him alone before another sibling is introduced and that's how they will see ut as long as YOU don't make them feel differently about it.

liveforsummer · 06/10/2021 17:13

She's about to have major surgery so I can totally tell how she'd want to exercise caution. Have you ever had to cough or sneeze after a c section? I have and I promise it's horrendous. I think football was a perfectly acceptable alternative. Would have been good if he'd fed them too I guess but many people moan about McDonald's etc

LargeYorkshirePuddingAndGravy · 06/10/2021 17:13

You sounded like you had issues right from "Gone on to have a second family"

Maybe get some therapy or something.

NailsNeedDoing · 06/10/2021 17:14

I understand completely where you’re coming from, it’s hurts to see your children being treated badly by anyone, let alone their only other parent.

I could just about get over it if he still expected to take them for dinner, but the fact that he won’t either stick up for them enough to take them home or take them out for dinner means he’s being a shit.