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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
Ricekake · 13/10/2021 07:01

@Zoflorananana

Well, he's due to have them tomorrow so we'll see what happens this week.

What do we reckon? Park or house? Confused

Either is fine and his choice so does it matter?
Billandben444 · 13/10/2021 08:04

Either is fine and his choice so does it matter?
No, it doesn't but OP isn't letting go is she!

TwinsandTrifle · 13/10/2021 08:13

@TicTacHoh

Honestly OP, I don’t understand why you keep coming back for more. Do you struggle to let things go? There’s nothing more anyone can add that hasn’t been said already but you seem completely deaf to it all.

Move on, don’t become one of those all-consuming ex-wives that eventually bore their friends away by going on and on about ex DH years and years later. Shit happens. Go and live your life.

It's already been five years. You're completely right, she's deaf to anything other than her own bitterness.

It will be her children that suffer if she lives the rest of her life like this. But then, that's usually the plan isn't it, to ruin any relationship with their father, then trot out "I did everything I could, they just don't want to know him anymore". Whilst elated that the children are starting to replicate the bitterness she has. It validates her behaviour, in her own head at least.

She calls his partner the OW and yet the ex left OP and lived with his family for a year. Several have pointed out, they always move in with the OW virtually immediately, and query whether his partner even is an "OW.". OP has conveniently ignored this.

She couldn't be more of the stereotype. And when you are this absorbed and bitter, it's hardly surprising that she's an ex. Who wants to try and live with someone this self entitled and void of the ability to understand reason.

KurtWilde · 13/10/2021 08:51

@Zoflorananana

Well, he's due to have them tomorrow so we'll see what happens this week.

What do we reckon? Park or house? Confused

Doesn't matter where he chooses to have his time with his DC as long as he's doing it. That's the bit you don't seem to be getting.
Swimmingwiththefishes · 13/10/2021 08:53

Oh god OP this is just embarrassing now. I don't know what you expect posters to reply to your latest post? Who cares 🤷🏻‍♀️

Aslong as he sees them and spends time with them does it matter where it is?

And posters asking why people were asking about OPs employment status and how unfair it is to bring up, sorry but the OP has littered this thread with scathing comments about her ex 'working nights' (presumably to earn more to provide for his kids-which the Op admits he pays his way with this cash) and 'claiming' what he can and can't do due to working nights. She has been pretty judgemental about it. Don't throw stones and all that....

I don't think he's dad of the year by any means but what Hope have the poor kids got with a dad they don't see often enough and a mum consumed by bitterness and point scoring.

Sofiegiraffe · 13/10/2021 09:01

@Zoflorananana

Well, he's due to have them tomorrow so we'll see what happens this week.

What do we reckon? Park or house? Confused

It doesn't matter surely? So long as he sees them.

Lavender24 · 13/10/2021 09:18

I can totally understand why his partner wants to avoid a D&V bug as they are awful at the best of times never mind at nine months pregnant when you're about to have surgery. So I don't think she is being unreasonable.

However I can see you have a lot of resentment towards your ex OP which is probably clouding your judgement a bit. I've only skimmed the thread but I would hazard a guess it's not the first time he's seemingly put his new family first and that's why this seems like such a big deal instead of just a one off. I know from personal experience (not my own parents but my husband's) that men tend to prioritise their current partner and any kids they may have with them more than kids from previous relationships and that can be very hurtful.

Also he definitely should have fed them if he'd agreed to do so. He could have even just bought them come chips or a meal deal from a local shop.

Generallystruggling · 13/10/2021 09:28

Surprised the majority here think you’re unreasonable, I think he sounds like a selfish prick. He left you and his DC to move on with another woman and have children with her, now he barely sees your DC and makes excuses not to see them when it is his very limited contact time like this.

I’ve had two c-sections but I have older school age children who pick all manner of illnesses up. I couldn’t and wouldn’t have sent them away just incase they made me sick. It isn’t an option when it’s your own children, it shouldn’t be an option for him.

Generallystruggling · 13/10/2021 09:29

Aslong as he sees them and spends time with them does it matter where it is?

Unsure why anyone should accept the NRP seeing them for a few hours at the weekend and passing that off as decent parenting because at least they saw them for a bit. Totally unfair on the RP.

Coffeey · 13/10/2021 09:35

Is your local park particularly shit or something? You seem to have deep issues with it.

aSofaNearYou · 13/10/2021 09:36

@Generallystruggling

Surprised the majority here think you’re unreasonable, I think he sounds like a selfish prick. He left you and his DC to move on with another woman and have children with her, now he barely sees your DC and makes excuses not to see them when it is his very limited contact time like this.

I’ve had two c-sections but I have older school age children who pick all manner of illnesses up. I couldn’t and wouldn’t have sent them away just incase they made me sick. It isn’t an option when it’s your own children, it shouldn’t be an option for him.

It seems to me that everybody who posts in support of OP, then goes on to speak in a way that makes it clear they find it difficult to detach this issue from the overall issues. None of this is about his wider performance as a dad, it's about whether he was unreasonable in this instance. To be honest, my thoughts aren't even centred around him. The central figure to my mind is his wife, who is about to have major surgery and has a right to not bring such infection needlessly into her home. This is about her in my opinion, so it's really neither here nor there how he is as a dad (seemingly quite shit).

As to your last point - you couldn't and wouldn't send your children away because they live with you full time and that would mean sending them away from their main/only home for potentially a long period of time until their illness passes. In this situation, it can easily be done by taking them to the park for a couple of hours, because that's the only time they were due to be with him anyway. It's absolutely nonsensical to say because you wouldn't send a child away from their only home, they should HAVE to expose this pregnant lady on principle, when it could very easily be avoided within the different context of this relationship.

Coffeey · 13/10/2021 09:37

it shouldn’t be an option for him. it is an option becuase it's probably one of the only benefits of the children having two homes.

Zipperdidoodaa · 13/10/2021 09:43

Yabvvu I wouldn't want the children near me whether I was about to have a baby or not - very averse to sick bugs here but especially in her position. I think she's being very sensible. They've seen their dad and I'm sure you can explain to them why they can't go round to the house. And don't make a big thing of it so they feel that they've been hard done by - a simple "oh silly mum of course I should have thought that it's not a good idea for you to go round to dads just in case you have the sick bug" will do.

Rightsaidpleb · 13/10/2021 09:54

@Generallystruggling

Aslong as he sees them and spends time with them does it matter where it is?

Unsure why anyone should accept the NRP seeing them for a few hours at the weekend and passing that off as decent parenting because at least they saw them for a bit. Totally unfair on the RP.

Many posters have agreed that the ex could do more. But her contact agreement is what she and her ex agreed. He works nights, she doesn't work, he pays his way, has only cancelled once for sickness reasons, and has them overnights on school holidays and once a week otherwise. Is it a fair contact frequency? Probably not.

But that's not the point of the thread. OP in this instance has been entirely unreasonable, sulkingly admitted it and then littered the thread with 'what about..' and 'what ifs'

The point PP were making is that his contact time could be spent at home, at the cinema or at the park. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he sees his children. But OP is carrying such a chip she cannot see this.

Billandben444 · 13/10/2021 10:27

Unsure why anyone should accept the NRP seeing them for a few hours at the weekend and passing that off as decent parenting because at least they saw them for a bit. Totally unfair on the RP.
The thread isn't about whether he's a decent parent though, is it? Most on here have agreed he's not pulling his weight generally but this thread is about spending a couple of hours in the park instead of indoors... once and for a good reason.

KurtWilde · 13/10/2021 10:43

Unsure why anyone should accept the NRP seeing them for a few hours at the weekend and passing that off as decent parenting because at least they saw them for a bit. Totally unfair on the RP.

This is irrelevant to the OPs original aibu.

Feedingthebirds1 · 13/10/2021 10:47

There's going to be a second thread isn't there, because OP can't let it go.

anon12345678901 · 13/10/2021 11:06

@Generallystruggling

Aslong as he sees them and spends time with them does it matter where it is?

Unsure why anyone should accept the NRP seeing them for a few hours at the weekend and passing that off as decent parenting because at least they saw them for a bit. Totally unfair on the RP.

No one is saying it is, but that's not the point of this thread. It's also not the point the OP comment about where he will see them. Of course he should see them more but where he does It is irrelevant
Outfoxedbyrabbits · 13/10/2021 12:31

It will be her children that suffer if she lives the rest of her life like this. But then, that's usually the plan isn't it, to ruin any relationship with their father, then trot out "I did everything I could, they just don't want to know him anymore". Whilst elated that the children are starting to replicate the bitterness she has. It validates her behaviour, in her own head at least.

How on earth is the OP trying to ruin her ex's relationship with their joint children? She wants him to see them more, not less Confused Isn't the whole point of OP's posts that she wishes he would prioritise ALL his children equally? (Also, it is perfectly possible to use Mumsnet, or any other anonymous forum, to vent thoughts that you wouldn't say out loud/to the people in question. See most threads re: in laws. I'm pretty sure OP doesn't talk to her children about their father as she has on here.)

aSofaNearYou · 13/10/2021 13:58

How on earth is the OP trying to ruin her ex's relationship with their joint children? She wants him to see them more, not less  Isn't the whole point of OP's posts that she wishes he would prioritise ALL his children equally?

Let's think - she's looking for offence that should not exist and applying highly emotive language such as "banished from the house" at any minor provocation. All that ruins kids relationships with their other parent.

KurtWilde · 13/10/2021 14:13

@aSofaNearYou

How on earth is the OP trying to ruin her ex's relationship with their joint children? She wants him to see them more, not less  Isn't the whole point of OP's posts that she wishes he would prioritise ALL his children equally?

Let's think - she's looking for offence that should not exist and applying highly emotive language such as "banished from the house" at any minor provocation. All that ruins kids relationships with their other parent.

Tbh I have wondered if it's OP instigating the exh having such meagre contact, seeing as she still can't seen able to get over her negativity towards him and his wife.
Outfoxedbyrabbits · 13/10/2021 14:35

Let's think - she's looking for offence that should not exist and applying highly emotive language such as "banished from the house" at any minor provocation. All that ruins kids relationships with their other parent.

But she's saying that to us, not to the children. She has repeatedly said she is civil about their father in front of them.

Tbh I have wondered if it's OP instigating the exh having such meagre contact, seeing as she still can't seen able to get over her negativity towards him and his wife.

If you're just going to completely disbelieve what the OP (of any thread) tells you (in this case, the reason for low contact is the dad, not her) then what's the point Hmm

KurtWilde · 13/10/2021 14:44

If you're just going to completely disbelieve what the OP (of any thread) tells you (in this case, the reason for low contact is the dad, not her) then what's the point

Because as with any post on MN you only hear one side of it. OP has constantly tried to make the exh look bad, it's not too much of a stretch that she might also be being economical with the truth about his visitation to make him look worse.

Fwiw I think his visitation is pathetic, but that's not the point of this thread.

Holskey · 13/10/2021 14:54

Is this awful thread not full yet?

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