DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

[Zoflorananana]

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

What would you do if you were heavily pregnant and due to give birth and the kids were at their dads and caught a bug?
Probably hope he'd step in and help by taking the kids so you didn't catch it too?

OP - AIBU?

Most people - Yes.

OP - I don't think I am.

Op why have you even bothered asking?

Cross post.. I'll let you off as you've accepted it!

@Zoflorananana

Ok then I can see the majority think I'm being unreasonable. I'll take that. It's just frustrating when you do 90% of the parenting for the NRP to then be able to opt out of any actual parenting because he's chosen to create more children and use them as an excuse.

Keeping the unborn baby as an excuse is not what he's doing! Also, an excuse for what? He's using the new baby as an excuse to take the kids to the park?! Maybe that was a happy alternative to sat in the house!

You're coming across bitter about their new family and him moving on. He's still prioritising the kids, but you have to accept that he has more than just his kids with you. He loves them all equally and today did a great thing by keeping one half safe and spending time with the others.

then be able to opt out of any actual parenting because he's chosen to create more children and use them as an excuse
But he hasn't done that so I am confused

No - that's you over reacting. It's quite manipulative actually. Don't try and use that against him for Christ sake. You're being utterly ridiculous

This. Yabu, massively.
You only seem to want to Agree to the odd ( very tiny) posts that are agreeing with you.
If roles were reversed i don’t think you would want potentially contagious sick kids around you when you were about to give birth either
You need to cut them some slack.
He hasn’t cancelled seeing them, he’s rightly putting her and this baby first at the moment.

He's not using the other kids as an excuse not to parent his first kids.. He's using the sickness / possible infection of some of them as a reason to adjust plans to protect more people. I agree he could /should have fed them but other than that I don't think he's done anything wrong here. OP I get it, I do. I do 95% of everything and all the actual parenting and it's piss annoying but in this particular instance I think your generally reasonable resentment is misplaced.

he's chosen to create more children and use them as an excuse.

But he isn't though? You're coming across really badly OP. It's a pretty exceptional circumstance.

Whether you have other reasons to be resentful of him, are you not able to separate those out from an incredibly rare situation, and actually have a bit of compassion for a woman who is about to have major surgery and a newborn to look after?

If it were me I'd have given him the option of waiting and seeing them another time. Just to be a decent human being frankly. You never know when you'll need a favour in return.

I bet that the kids would have been upset if they had gone to their Dad's house and passed on the bug to their stepmum.

Kids are a lot more empathetic than people give them credit for.

So all he has done here is take them to the park instead of his house? And not got them dinner.
My DH has to take his kids out all the time due to distance. The dinner is the only bit of this that is remotely unacceptable and even then I'd cut him a bit of slack as he didn't know he wouldn't be taking them home until the last minute.

You've got a long road ahead of you. Pick your battles wisely.

Yes you are being unreasonable.

I'm a single parent too with an abusive ex who pays the bare minimum and who hardly sees them. Who won't sort out a financial settlement, won't get a divorce, won't allow me to move on. He's vile.

I would still be able to separate these issues out in this situation and have some empathy for a woman about to have a baby. And some empathy for the baby!

Message him and tell him he needs to feed them. I'm assuming he's not on the bones of his arse with a baby due any day.

Maccies is Cheap

You are being unreasonable.

She can't risk becoming ill herself with a sickness bug at this point in her pregnancy. It could have really serious consequences for her and her unborn baby.

And you know this.

It has nothing to do with her banning your kids from her house or prioritising her kids over yours. She's pregnant, needs a c-section, and needs to ensure she doesn't become ill right now because the consequences of not getting the healthcare she needs or going into labour while sick could be tragic.

I wouldn't want to risk a newborn and a sickness bug either, so if this happened a couple of months down the line I would still feel they had made the right choice to try and avoid passing on something like this to someone vulnerable.

@Zoflorananana

Ok then I can see the majority think I'm being unreasonable. I'll take that. It's just frustrating when you do 90% of the parenting for the NRP to then be able to opt out of any actual parenting because he's chosen to create more children and use them as an excuse.

protecting an unborn child and his partner isn't an excuse lol

Ok I will take your posts on board, perhaps I'm too close to the situation to view it objectively. My DC are my achilles heel and I take any sign of them being pushed out, whether real or perceived, quite hard.

So as not to drip feed this isn't the first time over the course of her pregnancy that DC have missed out. A couple of months ago all three had what was clearly a common cold and ex decided to let them down and rearrange "so they don't pass it on to DP and baby"

I do have in the back of my mind, what happens when the baby is here and our shared DC have a cold or whatever, is he just going to take them to the park for a couple of hours every time?

Illness is so common in children.

@Zoflorananana is this part of a bigger picture where ex has form for cancelling contact? Or is it out of the norm for him?

I only ask because if its something that happens a lot I can totally see why you're annoyed. My ex cancels for the smallest thing. And it's bloody infuriating.

But if its something he doesn't usually do, and it is pretty exceptional circumstances, then it's understandable why he's changed the arrangements.
Although if your anything like me you'll have planned dinner for 1. Whether that's leftovers, beans on toast or a takeaway its a bit of a pain when you suddenly have to feed everyone again. (And no feeding your own dc shouldn't be a pain. But when you've planned/budgeted for only you it is. Especially if you do 99% of the feeding anyway)

@Zoflorananana

Ok then I can see the majority think I'm being unreasonable. I'll take that. It's just frustrating when you do 90% of the parenting for the NRP to then be able to opt out of any actual parenting because he's chosen to create more children and use them as an excuse.

He's not doing that though. You know one of your children is poorly, and as with any sickness bug, there is a high chance it will pass on to the others even with meticulous cleaning. He took them out still just somewhere less likely to pass anything on, if he wasn't arsed he would have just said he's not seeing them at all, surely. It sounds like he is trying to balance the needs of his new partner and unborn baby with those of his existing children, and came up with a reasonable compromise. Not unreasonable to say about dinner though, they could have got picnic food or takeaway if they couldn't have what was originally planned.

You are being completely unreasonable and seems more like you want to make out his DP isn't a nice person

For goodness sake she about to give birth last thing she needs is to pick up a illness

Stop being selfish and dramatic

The children still seen their dad and that's what matters

[quote CiaoForNiao]@Zoflorananana is this part of a bigger picture where ex has form for cancelling contact? Or is it out of the norm for him?

I only ask because if its something that happens a lot I can totally see why you're annoyed. My ex cancels for the smallest thing. And it's bloody infuriating.

But if its something he doesn't usually do, and it is pretty exceptional circumstances, then it's understandable why he's changed the arrangements.
Although if your anything like me you'll have planned dinner for 1. Whether that's leftovers, beans on toast or a takeaway its a bit of a pain when you suddenly have to feed everyone again. (And no feeding your own dc shouldn't be a pain. But when you've planned/budgeted for only you it is. Especially if you do 99% of the feeding anyway)[/quote]
It's happened once before because his partner was paranoid about them having covid except that time he didn't see them at all he rearranged for the weekend.

So not a pattern per se but a couple of occasions that have the potential to become a pattern if you see what I mean.

Absolutely spot on!

YABU

Usually I’d agree with you OP but his partner is going to have a c section imminently and could do without a tummy bug right now. The kid’s dad should have fed them though. A quick trip through a drive thru wouldn’t have killed anyone.

YABVU. Would you want to have a c section with a vomiting bug?

I can see where you’re coming from wrt the short notice change of plans, especially if the children were looking forward to seeing their half sibling. I wonder how he has explained it to them.
Also he should feed them if that’s what would normally happen.