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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/10/2021 17:32

@Zoflorananana

The kids still spent time with their dad, I’m not sure what the issue is

My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling but now have been effectively banned from the house. What sort of message is that sending them at a time of upheaval when they already have to deal with the fact there's going to be another child on the scene who lives with dad full time?

It just shows me where they are on his list of priorities.

It shows they're being sensible ,she's about to have major surgery, no one's fault just one of this things and the kids have still seen their dad. You're making this an issue when it's not.
LittleMysSister · 11/10/2021 17:38

@KurtWilde

OW can’t really expect the same smooth ride into parenthood that she would have had if she hadn’t chosen a married man with existing kids to father her babies

Seriously?? No I'm sorry but that's bullshit !

LOL how dare she expect not to be purposely exposed to a D&V bug in the days leading up to her C-section??

After all, she knew what she was getting into Hmm.

TwinsandTrifle · 11/10/2021 17:43

After all, she knew what she was getting into

Which she knew was a man with children. What she didn't know was the ex would be ridiculous.

CharlieP1977 · 11/10/2021 17:44

@TwinsandTrifle

After all, she knew what she was getting into

Which she knew was a man with children. What she didn't know was the ex would be ridiculous.

Agree 100%!
whittingtonmum · 11/10/2021 17:47

At that stage in pregnancy I would make the same decision. As long as he still entertains/looks after the kids I don't think it's a problem.

eeyore228 · 11/10/2021 17:55

I love these sorts of posts. Op has had so many response stating she's being unreasonable but doesn't seem able to accept it. I agree he should have fed the kids but I don't think it's unreasonable to think about someone heavily pregnant. And OP you sound like my mother, she thought she hid her loathing for my DSM so well, even to this day. She didn't we picked up on far more than she realised. I hope to heaven that you are better than her because trust me it damaged me and my DB massively and made us constantly wary of being to nice about DSM in front of her.

WrapAroundYourDreams · 11/10/2021 19:00

I still don't think he should have fed the DC, because I don't think he should have had them in the first place. I think knowing that they could be incubating a bug, OP should have suggested to him in advance for him to rearrange when all the children were well and less risk of passing his partner a bug. She was BU in this circumstance.

However, @Zoflorananana if you'd posted to discuss the ways he is actually a dick, of which I'm sure there are many, no one would have said YABU. I know myself how fucking infuriating it is when your DC's other parent is a useless sack of shit. I do get it. My ex chooses to live hours away from us. He pays the bare minimum, hardly sees them, is free to work easily whilst I struggle to fit my job around them. Doesn't think about homework, school uniforms, school dinners, dentist, haircuts, washing, meals, school runs, after school activities, discipline, all of the actual parenting. He's a typical Disney dad. I get the resentment, and the fears about your DC being pushed out. I just think that it wasn't unreasonable for him and his partner to want to avoid a sick bug and this really does fall into the 'exceptional circumstances' category.

OP if in the future he puts his new family ahead of your kids, they will see it, and they will realise it was you that was always there for them.

YearsSinceISawYou · 11/10/2021 20:39

@Zoflorananana

I can see why you're feeling bitter but, in your heart of hearts, I'm sure-because you don't sound like a monster-that you do not want this woman to lose her baby.

Men-and women-do go on to have other children, sometimes with multiple partners. That's life but it is hard to see yourself and your children-who were once the priority-being pushed further down the line. I know.

The fact is that now he loves this woman more than you and the children he has had/is going to have with her will become his priority over time because he is with them all the time. They plan their lives together as a unit.

I'm sure he loves your children but for many, the new family is the important one and the old one fades into the past.

He may marry this woman and, if it wasn't your decision not to marry him, this will also come as a blow. You might not think it will but it nearly always does, as it confirms an irrational feeling of being second best-the dry run.

Don't give him any excuse to squeeze you-and by extension your children-into the role of his failed family and now he can try again with his new family.

It does sound as if he does want to keep contact and, although that doesn't mean he should be heaped with praise, many of them bugger off entirely.

I don't know your financial situation but if the fact you don't have to work is down to him in any way, do be careful because you don't want him to cut down maintenance, especially if his partner tells him that his second little family is going without because of his first.

The very best of luck to you.

PixieLaLa · 12/10/2021 15:55

My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling

That's not my problem though is it nor is it my DC's problem, it's very much a them problem

Her upcoming surgery has fuck all to do with me and my kids

Isn’t it convenient that you refer to their DC as a half sibling when you want to make out yours are missing out, but the next min you couldn’t care less about the health of their unborn HALF sibling when it suites you. Some of the things you have said on this thread are vile

TwinsandTrifle · 12/10/2021 16:09

"My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling*

Don't you realise my kids looking forward to one big standard tea is far more important than the exceptional circumstance of a pregnant woman becoming sick immediately prior to her c section, risking her and the baby. I gave him no notice to make arrangements, so because of that he had to think on his feet, then the absolute monster took them to a PARK. "Banished they were! Banished I tell you."

I can't think why OP has a crap relationship with her ex. Hmm It's hard to imagine anyone being able to get along with someone this ridiculous, bitter and entitled. Even after a whole thread of "you have got to be joking" she still thinks she's got a point. I hope she's hiding it far better from her children.

TwinsandTrifle · 12/10/2021 16:10

*bog standard

Coffeey · 12/10/2021 16:13

@PixieLaLa I noticed that too.

newnameday · 12/10/2021 16:33

@PixieLaLa

My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling

That's not my problem though is it nor is it my DC's problem, it's very much a them problem

Her upcoming surgery has fuck all to do with me and my kids

Isn’t it convenient that you refer to their DC as a half sibling when you want to make out yours are missing out, but the next min you couldn’t care less about the health of their unborn HALF sibling when it suites you. Some of the things you have said on this thread are vile

The OP is also conveniently ignoring the point that, had she actually given them notice, maybe the half sibling would have come to the park, as well, instead of waiting at home for them.

Yet again, could have been avoided if the OP acted reasonably.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/10/2021 19:59

Volhhg

Nope his children should always be his priority. Pregnant lady is an adult who can look after herself and her unborn child.“

His partner is carrying one of his children.

Don’t be stupid.

Volhhg · 12/10/2021 20:42

Nope pregnant lady is an independent grown adult and can look after herself and her body with child that she carries.
However his children are dependent on their father to parent them and he has duty to them both legally and morally.

KurtWilde · 12/10/2021 20:52

@Volhhg

Nope pregnant lady is an independent grown adult and can look after herself and her body with child that she carries. However his children are dependent on their father to parent them and he has duty to them both legally and morally.
That's also his child he's protecting. You're being pedantic.
aSofaNearYou · 12/10/2021 21:40

@Volhhg

Nope pregnant lady is an independent grown adult and can look after herself and her body with child that she carries. However his children are dependent on their father to parent them and he has duty to them both legally and morally.
Even setting aside the obvious fact that the child she is carrying is also his and in equal need of his prioritisation as the children that are already born - in this instance, the "grown pregnant lady" in this case had a duty to not allow such a risk in her home. The dad had a duty to look after his other kids. Those two duties could not both be fulfilled in the shared home, so whose is more important? Well, one involved actual danger and the other didn't. So naturally the pregnant ladies needs came out top. A fact made even less morally troublesome by the fact that the father was able to carry out his duty, just elsewhere.
TwinsandTrifle · 12/10/2021 21:56

However his children are dependent on their father to parent them and he has duty to them both legally and morally.

Just not the one his partner is carrying though, he doesn't need to think about that one, you know his child. Only the children you think are more equal than others because OP claims some crown because of the extreme talent that is, she got pregnant first.

Those poor children, just once having to suffer an afternoon playing at the park, and the horror that they had to eat with their own mother. It's her fault that's all he could come up with at the last minute. She gave him no notice. He could have done all sorts. She told him, when he was in his car, on the way over. If this is an example of what she thinks is acceptable conduct, those poor buggers having to endure this for 5 years already.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 12/10/2021 23:44

Well, he's due to have them tomorrow so we'll see what happens this week.

What do we reckon? Park or house? Confused

OP posts:
TicTacHoh · 13/10/2021 01:37

Honestly OP, I don’t understand why you keep coming back for more. Do you struggle to let things go? There’s nothing more anyone can add that hasn’t been said already but you seem completely deaf to it all.

Move on, don’t become one of those all-consuming ex-wives that eventually bore their friends away by going on and on about ex DH years and years later. Shit happens. Go and live your life.

Billandben444 · 13/10/2021 06:18

Nope pregnant lady is an independent grown adult and can look after herself and her body with child that she carries.
And she did that by agreeing that dad should stay outdoors with possibly infected children.

Coffeey · 13/10/2021 06:31

@Volhhg

Nope pregnant lady is an independent grown adult and can look after herself and her body with child that she carries. However his children are dependent on their father to parent them and he has duty to them both legally and morally.
Yes and he did the best he could at short notice of them being ill. It's a bit shit he didn't feed them but there is nothing wrong with the park if it's dry. It's a bit off to care they are missing out on seeing their half sibling while at the same time complaining that dad wanted to protect the unborn half sibling.

I'm not saying he is dad of the year just that OP has much bigger issues around him not seeing the kids much.

Coffeey · 13/10/2021 06:32

@Zoflorananana

Well, he's due to have them tomorrow so we'll see what happens this week.

What do we reckon? Park or house? Confused

Park or House it doesn't matter. It's his contact time he could take them anywhere. Hopefully he feeds them this time or at least provides food.
anon12345678901 · 13/10/2021 06:51

@Zoflorananana

Well, he's due to have them tomorrow so we'll see what happens this week.

What do we reckon? Park or house? Confused

It doesn't matter and it's not your business which he chooses. During his contact time he can take them where he wishes too. As long as he sees them it doesn't matter. You still sound very bitter.
Indoctro · 13/10/2021 06:55

OP you sound like a bitter ex and jealous that he has moved on with this lady , they will also think that if half of a public forum think it

Don't be that person it's not a nice trait

Just be happy your ex is happy and your kids are happy

Happiness breeds happiness it might spread to you also