If you are a mum looking after your kids day to day, did give realise you were a ‘SAHM’ before coming on MN?

[sangak]

It always strikes me, that MN always has much to say about so-called ‘SAHMs.’ But if you said ‘SAHM’ (pronouncing it as ‘Sarm’) in real-life, nobody would know what this is. I know many women who don’t work due to children / family, but not one of them would know they were ‘Sarms’ or even recognise what ‘SAHM’ stands for - or that it is even considered ‘a thing.’ Just seems weird that the whole debate on here is so removed from real life.

I'm not offended personally by people saying that they wanted to focus exclusively on their kids. My dc is my absolute priority and she knows it, but I categorically did not want her to be my sole focus because I did not enjoy being the sole focus (along with my sister) in my DM's life when I was growing up. We're all different, and that's OK.

@sangak

I can’t comment on other relationships snd what is or isn’t ‘normal’ Riada. I understand your point that it’s unusual not to have had a discussion with my husband about leaving work / returning or not, In retrospect, it even seems odd to me. All & can say really is I obviously knew what he was like before we got married. I understand his perspectives and value systems and so on this particular (important) area, I knew we’d be aligned. So it was never like - “ Oh here’s a baby, now who’s doing what?” if that makes sense?

So when did you discuss stuff like saving for a pension for you?

Wow you're really overthinking this. By default adults are presumed to be working. Therefore "SAHM" is just a way to explain that you don't work, which is often relevant when making a thread on MN ("Mern"? ). Like saying you're a student/military wife/a carer/retired etc. Or like men on MN. Posters are presumed to be women because of the nature of the site. Therefore it's often relevant for men to state they are men. I don't imagine they go around in real life saying "I am a man" or sit at home thinking it.

Lots of people use "stay at home mum". Your circle just uses a different descriptor. It is not an indication of how removed MN is from real life.

Apart from a couple of short, part time jobs when we were saving for a deposit, I’ve been a stay at home mum since my 19 year old was born. I also have a 7 year old and a baby.

I never wanted a career. I just wanted to be a mother and look after a home. We had ds at 22 and it horrified people that I just wanted to look after him and stay at home.

That makes me something to be looked down on and pitied, I know. People think I must be some kind of doormat, that my husband must be some sort of man-child, that I must be stupid for having no ambitions or that I’m going to be sat rocking in a corner with nothing to say once my youngest had grown up.

I’ve been asked if I’m a “surrendered wife” or if my husband is too controlling to let me work (he doesn’t mind what I chose to do as long as I’m happy).

My mother in law also calls me “long term unemployed.”

Guess what, we are all different. What makes you happy doesn’t make me happy. The point of my life was never a career and yes, I’ve traveled the world (when we had cash), and shock horror, I do have my own interests and a husband who does his fair share.

I couldn’t give a shit what other people do, but my life had been the butt of jokes for so long (family, so called friends), and it’s very hurtful.

@Siriisatwat

Apart from a couple of short, part time jobs when we were saving for a deposit, I’ve been a stay at home mum since my 19 year old was born. I also have a 7 year old and a baby.

I never wanted a career. I just wanted to be a mother and look after a home. We had ds at 22 and it horrified people that I just wanted to look after him and stay at home.

That makes me something to be looked down on and pitied, I know. People think I must be some kind of doormat, that my husband must be some sort of man-child, that I must be stupid for having no ambitions or that I’m going to be sat rocking in a corner with nothing to say once my youngest had grown up.

I’ve been asked if I’m a “surrendered wife” or if my husband is too controlling to let me work (he doesn’t mind what I chose to do as long as I’m happy).

My mother in law also calls me “long term unemployed.”

Guess what, we are all different. What makes you happy doesn’t make me happy. The point of my life was never a career and yes, I’ve traveled the world (when we had cash), and shock horror, I do have my own interests and a husband who does his fair share.

I couldn’t give a shit what other people do, but my life had been the butt of jokes for so long (family, so called friends), and it’s very hurtful.

No one should be mocking you, obviously, @Siriisatwat, but regardless of whether or not you never had a jot of ambition, or whether you just always wanted to have children and stay at home, surely you need to consider generating an income to live on, especially with a young adult and two children who will be dependent for years to come?

I can’t imagine thinking ‘I won’t work because I’ve only ever wanted to be a SAHM’ without thinking about the fact that it makes you completely dependent on your relationship continuing. Yes, there would be a financial settlement if you divorced, but how little that often turns out to be comes up a lot on here, and makes divorces considerably harder for the economically inactive spouse.