If you are a mum looking after your kids day to day, did give realise you were a ‘SAHM’ before coming on MN?

[sangak]

It always strikes me, that MN always has much to say about so-called ‘SAHMs.’ But if you said ‘SAHM’ (pronouncing it as ‘Sarm’) in real-life, nobody would know what this is. I know many women who don’t work due to children / family, but not one of them would know they were ‘Sarms’ or even recognise what ‘SAHM’ stands for - or that it is even considered ‘a thing.’ Just seems weird that the whole debate on here is so removed from real life.

I can’t comment on other relationships snd what is or isn’t ‘normal’ Riada. I understand your point that it’s unusual not to have had a discussion with my husband about leaving work / returning or not, In retrospect, it even seems odd to me. All & can say really is I obviously knew what he was like before we got married. I understand his perspectives and value systems and so on this particular (important) area, I knew we’d be aligned. So it was never like - “ Oh here’s a baby, now who’s doing what?” if that makes sense?

@sangak

I can’t comment on other relationships snd what is or isn’t ‘normal’ Riada. I understand your point that it’s unusual not to have had a discussion with my husband about leaving work / returning or not, In retrospect, it even seems odd to me. All & can say really is I obviously knew what he was like before we got married. I understand his perspectives and value systems and so on this particular (important) area, I knew we’d be aligned. So it was never like - “ Oh here’s a baby, now who’s doing what?” if that makes sense?

But you never answered my question, which was - Were you working before you had your first child, and if so, did you not hand your notice in at some point? If so, that implies some degree of thinking about becoming a SAHM (even if you don't refer to yourself that way) and actively taking a step towards it, rather than just becoming one without any planning or discussion. If you didn't, did you just not go back to work without telling them you were coming back?

@Bluntness100

I’m not sure with secondary kids I’d still consider you a stay at home mum, more a housewife, as you’re not really doing full time child rearing any more.

I don't agree with that at all. I was a SAHM from when my youngest child was born until they went to university. The role changed over the years. At a certain point I wasn't changing nappies or reading to my children any more. But I was certainly rearing them until they were 18. Much of it involved sitting in the car for hours a day getting them to their various schools/appointments/activities! In a lot of ways the needs of a secondary aged child are more complex and more stressful to deal with, even if you might have more time in the day without being directly responsible for them.

[quote Anonymous48]@Bluntness100

I’m not sure with secondary kids I’d still consider you a stay at home mum, more a housewife, as you’re not really doing full time child rearing any more.

I don't agree with that at all. I was a SAHM from when my youngest child was born until they went to university. The role changed over the years. At a certain point I wasn't changing nappies or reading to my children any more. But I was certainly rearing them until they were 18. Much of it involved sitting in the car for hours a day getting them to their various schools/appointments/activities! In a lot of ways the needs of a secondary aged child are more complex and more stressful to deal with, even if you might have more time in the day without being directly responsible for them.[/quote]
But surely that's just being a parent rather than being a SAHP per se? We all taxi our kids around and deal with the various dramas that inevitably go along with the teenage years, whether we have jobs alongside our parenting responsibilities or otherwise?

@AlexaShutUp I wouldn't have been able to do many of those things if I was working full time, so my role as their parent would have been very different.

[quote Anonymous48]@AlexaShutUp I wouldn't have been able to do many of those things if I was working full time, so my role as their parent would have been very different.[/quote]
Fair enough. My role is full time but I do all that stuff anyway. As do most of the working parents I know. It's just parenting as far as I'm concerned.

[quote Anonymous48]@AlexaShutUp I wouldn't have been able to do many of those things if I was working full time, so my role as their parent would have been very different.[/quote]
Don't most parents working full time also do all those things around their working hours?

You would have juggled it to make it work if you were working just like other working parents juggle appointments and clubs.

But obviously, if we’re having a BBQ and it’s mainly European and British friends, it’s different

Ok but if you socialise with non Middle Eastern cultural folks why write it like you don’t?

Let’s not get onto the “full time parent” debate. There are no medals for any of it because it’s not a competition. Suffice to say, if you are not working while the kids are at school you will be doing a range of things - many of which take the pressure off the evenings / weekends. Basically you get into a routine and you do what you feel you need to be doing and this will obviously vary, family to family. And if you have time to chill or exercise as well or to do stuff you enjoy - why not? Nobody sets out to make life harder than it needs to be.

Bluntness - I live in fairly central London. My kids are across 3 schools. Of course you meet people of all nationalities! I myself am a different nationality. We also have Middle Eastern / Iranian friends because of my husband’s family, for a start and loads of people round and about here and his work contacts and just general life. There are some differences in different social settings - as for anyone. I’m not sure why this needs explaining.

Anonymous48 - sorry, to answer your question, yes I gave in my notice when I got pregnant. If it was a discussion, it would have been “have you told them you’re leaving yet?” from him.

It wasn’t a drama at the time as the type of work I did is relatively easy to pick up at a later date if I’d wanted to. I also had a second ‘career’ which fluctuated in my 20s but which I continued as a hobby to this day.

I've never ever called it a "sarm" or heard anyone else say "sarm" (how does the r even come into it?!) Stay at home mum has been a term for years and years, long before mumsnet. Nobody goes around saying "I-boo" or "yanboo" or even thinking it 😂

@FuckingFlumps

I was a working parent before my youngest was born, so I do appreciate how working parents have to juggle and prioritize. The fact is, unless I was working a flexible part time school hours only job we wouldn't have been able to make it work the way we were fortunate enough to. One of my kids has special needs so their medical appointments would have had to take priority, and a lot of less vital things (schools that were the best fit for my kids but were not close by, activities that they enjoyed and were good for their physical and mental health, my being able to volunteer at their schools) would have been off the table. Yes, we would have made it work, but the quality of life of everyone in my family was better because I did have the time to dedicate to these things.

Anyway, my point was that just because I didn't work (paid work that is) outside the home even when my kids were a bit older, that doesn't mean I was a housewife rather than a SAHM. I picture a housewife's main role to be to take care of the house, cooking and cleaning. Although I did those things that was not my main role. My main role was a stay at home parent.

@sangak

Anonymous48 - sorry, to answer your question, yes I gave in my notice when I got pregnant. If it was a discussion, it would have been “have you told them you’re leaving yet?” from him.

It wasn’t a drama at the time as the type of work I did is relatively easy to pick up at a later date if I’d wanted to. I also had a second ‘career’ which fluctuated in my 20s but which I continued as a hobby to this day.

Giving in your notice implies that you made an active decision to stay home with your kids. From what you said earlier it sounded like you just fell into that role without even thinking about it.

I've never ever called it a "sarm" or heard anyone else say "sarm" (how does the r even come into it?!)

😭

Non-rhotics don’t pronounce the R, it just modifies the sound of the A. Covered upthread.

Seriously, Mary I and Calais with Mumsnet and the rhotic/non-rhotic confusions over pronunciation.

(And obviously my own problem because I Cannot. Help. Commenting.)

‘Giving in your notice implies that you made an active decision to stay home with your kids. From what you said earlier it sounded like you just fell into that role without even thinking about it.’

Why does this matter though? I suppose I always knew that if I had kids I would want to focus on them. That didn’t just occur to when I had them, so I’m not clear exactly when or how ‘the decision’ was made. For me it was more instinctive than a decision. I don’t consider having children in any other terms. Neither did my husband

(That’s no criticism by the way of anyone who uses childcare or anything like that. I’m just saying how I personally felt because you asked).

[quote Anonymous48]@AlexaShutUp I wouldn't have been able to do many of those things if I was working full time, so my role as their parent would have been very different.[/quote]
I work full time and absolutely do all of those things. So do all my friends who work full time.

@sangak

‘Giving in your notice implies that you made an active decision to stay home with your kids. From what you said earlier it sounded like you just fell into that role without even thinking about it.’

Why does this matter though? I suppose I always knew that if I had kids I would want to focus on them. That didn’t just occur to when I had them, so I’m not clear exactly when or how ‘the decision’ was made. For me it was more instinctive than a decision. I don’t consider having children in any other terms. Neither did my husband

(That’s no criticism by the way of anyone who uses childcare or anything like that. I’m just saying how I personally felt because you asked).

It's so disingenuous to say this isn't a criticism. As if working mums don't focus on their kids. Ugh, you have completely entered into the debate you called "bizarre" earlier in the thread and have managed to be offensive.

I am comfortable with my choices, but reading stuff like this is so boring.

I made it very clear I didn’t mean any offence. I am talking about myself. The work so used to do was very stressful and not really compatible with having a family. It is what it is and that’s how I felt. Other people can do whatever they feel is the right balance for their family. Nobody needs to get offended. If I want to organise my life in a particular way because it makes sense to me, It has no bearing on anyone else.

@goawayalcg

I work full time and absolutely do all of those things. So do all my friends who work full time.

With respect, you would not have been able to do all the things I was able to because I wasn't working, and you can't claim otherwise. I worked full time outside the home before my youngest was born so I know what it entailed. There is absolutely no way I would have been able to continue in my full time job and transport my children to their different schools (many miles in opposite directions from my house), medical appointments and activities. It would just have been physically impossible, unless I had a job I could do while I was driving!
Yes, we would have managed if I had needed or wished to continue working, but things would have to have been prioritized and everyone would have lost out to some degree.

This is my family and our circumstances that I'm talking about.

I always knew that if I had kids I would want to focus on them.

Just how is this not offensive? Honestly, I don't care, but it is objectively offensive in my opinion.

Ok, ‘focus exclusively’ then. Is that ok?

My sincere apologies for any offence.

@goawayalcg

I always knew that if I had kids I would want to focus on them.

Just how is this not offensive? Honestly, I don't care, but it is objectively offensive in my opinion.

I don’t think this is offensive. I think all the sarm chat is strange. But for op to state her view that she needs to be a SAHM to focus on her kids - it’s her view! It’s not yours! It’s ok for people to disagree. Why does it mean it’s ‘objectively offensive’?