School aren't helping with morning routine

[Agelikeafinebottleofblacktower]

My dd has always been anxious. Since starting back at school she has had serious meltdowns every morning, crying for up to forty minutes, shaking walking to school. At her age this behaviour is quite unusual, especially as she was better (1-2 meltdowns at drop off per week) in previous years. I feel it's sensory, as she is perfectly happy walking to school and excited to see friends but seizes up and bolts for the gate as soon as she gets in the playground. It's quite different from last year (covid) as all the kids are in the playground together as well as all the parents, dogs, teachers etc and she just can't tolerate the noise, chaos of it.
School have offered a breakfast club so she can avoid this. There's not a breakfast club currently apart from for kids with additional needs and low income families, so there's about six kids who attend in the whole school. My dd went yesterday and loved it, the school said she was calm and ready to join the class at lesson time. However, they can not accommodate my ds who is also at school. So if my dd goes I then have a 45 minute wait with him, not enough time to go home, no park local and it's cold and wet. I feel this is really unfair and might impact on his feelings about school, as he has to leave home earlier and will have a long wait before starting.
Can I push this and should I as he does not fit the criteria?

@NovemberWitch

Have you tried out ear defenders with your daughter? It’d reduce the aural sensory overload.

I actually really strongly recommend the flare audio buds that reduce auditory background noise.

They're non electrical, and you can get a little keyring carry case for them.

I wear them when out for meals because the sound of people gulping and slurping sends me into a frenzy.

An alternative could also be getting her there 5/10 later? Then they would go at the same time and the playground would be quiet. Unless teachers /school staff think this is disruptive? A girl in my daughter’s class has this arrangement.

If you drive, I absolutely would drive them to school. Sure you chose a school you wouldn’t drive to but if your child’s needs have changed and driving would help her, why not?

Headphones and a fiddle toy might help too.

[quote Agelikeafinebottleofblacktower]@skahan but I haven't asked about a breakfast club, they have suggested it. I don't need a breakfast club as I work until 6 to make up my hours. I have 'cut my cloth accordingly' to use a MN expression, and no I can't stump up an extra £100 per month, few can![/quote]
You don't seem to know what you want. Your whole OP was about breakfast club and should you push to get your son in. Almost everyone said you were being unreasonable to expect this and all of a sudden you have done a complete u-turn and don't even want the breakfast club anymore. Now you want the school to do something completely different which was never even mentioned in your OP 🤷‍♀️

This is your chance to choose how to frame something so it is positive for your son. You have the gift of 45 minutes 1:1 time with him every morning - how can you use it to be rewarding and fun for the pair of you? I would probably come up with a list of five different things and make it special for him - it’s Monday we go for a treasure hunt walk, it’s Tuesday we count cars, etc. You can choose to make it a drag or to make it an adventure.

It seems that you haven't actually asked the school about any alternatives at all eg later start instead of breakfast club, later drop off at breakfast club or indeed DS going there so you don't know if they are willing to offer any of these.

They are not psychic. They offered a solution that they feel will help DD and it did. How are they to know you are unhappy about it?

Yes if you don’t actually need the breakfast element of the breakfast club for your DD then she could just go in for the last 15 mins to benefit from the calmer start to the day? You could ask the school that, pointing out that the current offer is full breakfast club is a brilliant solution for your DD but creating a problem for DS so you are just looking if there is any flex where they are both ok. I don’t think you are being entitled or anything, just looking for advice.

To be clear - you can’t justify the additional expense for your son however you expect the school to justify it? Can you see how that is unreasonable?

@PheasantsNest

They are doing you a favour having your DD in early. You are wrong to expect them to take your DS too.

100% this. The school has already accommodated your dd's situation. They are not a free babysitting service .

See if she can arrive there a little later? You say you chose it so you don't have to drive, I presume you don't have this option? Or do this for a transitional period only and find the £5 short term.

@tinierclanger

Possible options:

Take DD into breakfast for the last 10 mins and wait with DS in playground - 10 mins should be fine for him

Ask if DD can go straight in through breakfast club entrance/office

Just because school has come up with this doesn’t mean it’s the only/ideal solution, I’m sure they’ll be happy to discuss it with you further.

Posters saying you’re being “entitled” for not wanting to keep DS waiting outside for 45 mins are ridiculous, ignore them.

"Posters saying you’re being “entitled” for not wanting to keep DS waiting outside for 45 mins are ridiculous, ignore them."

Posters are saying she is entitled for expecting school to provide a FREE breakfast club place for her son who doesn't need it. She could send him to one she needs to pay for and solve all her problems in the morning but she doesn't want to. She is also entitled for assuming her son without any SEND should qualify for a place to make her life easier, something which could potentially disadvantage the students with SEND who do need that provision. Lots of people have offered a solution to the 45 minutes outside - most of which she has ignored.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Take the slot her your dd. She sounds like she needs it.

You and ds kit up in the waterproofs and walk around. Isnt there a cafe or library or leisure centre or something nearby you can hang out in for a bit?

Not many cafes and libraries are open at 8 am

OP you really ought to get this thread title changed - it states that the school isn't helping, whereas your first post makes it clear that the school IS helping.

What do you think the school should do? in addition to what it's already done?

@GreatestHits I have a DS with profound SN. We know that if you opened up a provision like this to siblings etc etc it pretty soon becomes unfeasible to run.

This is a (free!!) SN provision to aid the transition from home to school for those that wouldn't get into school other wise. If the sibling doesn't fit this criteria no they shouldnt be offered that provision.

A 45 min wait is nothing. It wont be the last or the first time that one or other of my children have done a 45 min wait because they weren't both eligible (or physically capable) to attend something. Swimming lessons were an hour and half!! I'd be tempted to take the car on cold wet days. Otherwise I'd find a nice loop I could walk near the school for 45 mins or the thermos and breakfast bits plan.

You don’t need to drive for distance but maybe you should consider driving them both to breakfast club, driving home, then walking your son in at the proper time? Or sitting in the car with him where you have a heater and radio and are out of the rain.

No I don't drive to school, I particularly chose a school I could walk to work from afterwards so I wouldn't have to drive.

Is it a case of you cannot drive or that you would rather not drive?

Have to laugh at all the "surely there's a café nearby" and "can't you just go to a Costa drive through?" suggestions.

OP the solution they've offered doesn't work for you. I'd go back with your suggestion of using a back entrance and see what they say. Also yes to trying noise cancelling headphones.

@Agelikeafinebottleofblacktower

No I don't drive to school, I particularly chose a school I could walk to work from afterwards so I wouldn't have to drive.

But do you drive and could you drive on wet days to accommodate both kids. That's the question we all have to do things we don't want to do to accommodate kids

Also, is your school a Pokestop? The community artwork outside ours is, and DS could happily spend 45 mins standing there in the rain everyday… ;-)

YABVU

Exactly the same thing happened with a child in DS3's class.
He couldn't start much more than 10 mins later as it's a requirement of breakfast club the children eat breakfast there but his Mum waited in the reception area with his sisters if the weather was bad.

You wouldn't be standing in the rain every day. It doesn't rain every day. I'd go for a walk to keep warm.

As other posters have suggested, can you ask that she goes to breakfast club for the last 15/10 minutes rather than stays for the full 45 minutes. That way you just have to wait a small amount of time.

@TeenMinusTests

So everyone who thinks this is OK: You'd be happy for one of your DC to have to wait around for 45 mins in the cold / rain every day before school? Maybe give it a go for a couple of weeks and then come back.

To my view, given the school run a breakfast club for certain pupils/families with additional needs, they should sensibly include siblings. It assists the whole family, including both the DC at the school.

I agree. The offering should be for the families of children with additional needs really. I wouldn't mind waiting around for 20-30mins a couple of times a week but not every day. Our school has some after school club on offer and it's great but it does mean waiting around or going back and forth for the other child who is in the after school club. It's a faff but we do it because it's twice a week max. I wouldn't do it every day. And of course the club is completely optional anyway.

I think you’re coming at the from the wrong angle (and receiving negative responses accordingly).

If you hadn’t made out like the school aren’t helping you and just asked for help with what to do about your DS then you probably would have received more positive replies.

Can your DD not go through another entrance? Or as pp suggested go earlier to breakfast club. I totally understand your annoyance, it would drive me mad logistically.