School aren't helping with morning routine

[Agelikeafinebottleofblacktower]

My dd has always been anxious. Since starting back at school she has had serious meltdowns every morning, crying for up to forty minutes, shaking walking to school. At her age this behaviour is quite unusual, especially as she was better (1-2 meltdowns at drop off per week) in previous years. I feel it's sensory, as she is perfectly happy walking to school and excited to see friends but seizes up and bolts for the gate as soon as she gets in the playground. It's quite different from last year (covid) as all the kids are in the playground together as well as all the parents, dogs, teachers etc and she just can't tolerate the noise, chaos of it.
School have offered a breakfast club so she can avoid this. There's not a breakfast club currently apart from for kids with additional needs and low income families, so there's about six kids who attend in the whole school. My dd went yesterday and loved it, the school said she was calm and ready to join the class at lesson time. However, they can not accommodate my ds who is also at school. So if my dd goes I then have a 45 minute wait with him, not enough time to go home, no park local and it's cold and wet. I feel this is really unfair and might impact on his feelings about school, as he has to leave home earlier and will have a long wait before starting.
Can I push this and should I as he does not fit the criteria?

YABU to expect the school to take your ds as well. You’ve had a few suggestions of how to tackle this, such as helping out, sitting in reception etc. If your dd is happy in the club, hopefully you can find a way that doesn’t mean arriving 45 mins early for school isn’t setting your ds up for a miserable day. Otherwise drive if you can, go home and return later with your ds etc.

Is the DS 4?

The OP said he had just started reception so he is either 4 or newly 5. In my experience it is much easier to entertain a reception aged child in the winter and in rain for 45 minutes than an older child. They will be playing outside in all weather's in reception anyway.

Our school breakfast club is available from 8.15 and you can arrive up until 8.40 so definitely ask about later drop off.

What I have suggested to schools in the past, is that for the child who doesn’t like to be in the hurly burly of the playground, they go in just a few minutes early room. and ‘help’ with the morning routine in the classroom.

If that works, your son is only hanging around for five minutes or so, or the reception class teacher might even allow a similar thing in that class.

I think the school are trying to support your daughter and it may be that a discussion with the class teacher and SENDCo would mean that you can put some other strategies in place, or start the process of deciding whether further intervention is needed.

@GreatestHits

No one in their right mind would spend 45 mins of their morning waiting outside in winter with a 4 year old. Especially before full day at work. Especially if they didn't have to.

All the bloody Pollyannas on this thread who suggest turning it into a scene from the Sound of Music are not living in the real world.

People who compare it to waiting around at a swimming lesson don't take their kids swimming outside in winter, every single day before a full day at work.

OP if it doesn't work for your family, you can ask the school for another solution.

The issue is that the OP feels entitled to have her son in the breakfast club. She thinks it’s ‘unfair’ he has to wake up early etc etc. The title is ‘school not helping’ which is misleading they are but she doesn’t acknowledge that. Just wants to blame the school and expect everyone else to run around making life easy as possible but doesn’t want to think of another solution. PP have suggested lots of solutions. Yes it’s not ideal but nobody chooses to have a child with issues. OP’s DD has issues hence she/DS will have to make a bit of a sacrifice. It’s the entitled attitude that turning many posters against her.

I dont think she's being entitled, I think she's just at the end of her tether somewhat, and is asking for advice.

Just to clarify I haven't even asked the school about whether my son can attend, I worked it out that it was a select group. I won't be asking as I'm obviously being entitled to even think 'how the hell am I going to make this work?' When I really should be thinking ohh treasure hunts etc to make the whole thing an experience prior to my eight hour shift at work.

OP, you have lots of solutions. It just involves changing your routine a bit. You sound very inflexible.

The obvious solutions are for you to drive or to pay for DS to go to Breakfast club, or a combination of both. Alternatively, you could ask the school if there is a room (or reception maybe) where you and your son could sit, so you are out of the rain and the cold, or you could go to a cafe some mornings or as others have suggested, drop your DD a bit later to minimise the waiting time.

All of the those solutions are better than standing for 45 minutes in the rain, and all of them are within your control.

Whilst the school giving your DS a free place in the breakfast club is the easiest solution for you, it's not a reasonable request of the school. As a parent, this is your problem to solve, so pick one of the solutions above which is within your control and do that.

Can you all quickly drive your DD to breakfast club then drive home and walk your DS to school at the normal time?

I disagree with the ridiculous posters here, OP. I think as siblings of the child with Sen they should be able to attend. I think you should ask the school whether they can help.

I should just add that I have the greatest respect for teachers and all school staff. My mum is a teacher, my cousin is a teacher, MIL is an school office lady. This is not a criticism of the school, just more of a moan about how it's going to work.
Grateful for all the suggestions!

Could you take her later so that you don't have so long to wait with DS?

It does sound like the school is being very flexible. Maybe you need to be too.

Just to clarify I haven't even asked the school about whether my son can attend, I worked it out that it was a select group.

So you don't even know he can't attend, you haven't spoken to the school or explored other options and yet you're on mumsnet badmouthing the school for not being helpful?

I can see how this in not very convenient for your son, but your title is really unfair - the school are absolutely helping with your daughter's morning routine. I'd be grateful for that if I were you, sounds like that has really helped your daughter. Most school breakfast clubs are for a certain time period like 7:30-8:45, but you don't have to go for the full time, even 10-15 mins would probably be fine for your daughter to calm down ready for school, and that's not too long for you to wait with your son.

I won't be asking as I'm obviously being entitled to even think 'how the hell am I going to make this work?'

No one has said you're entitled for thinking how to make it work. Some have said you're entitled for only considering asking for a place for DS rather than looking for other options. Opening with saying that the school aren't helping has also annoyed some posters, as the school are helping. They've offered a free solution which is helping your DD.

Have you managed to speak to school?

So you want this service, for free, and want them to take your son too and refuse to pay £5 a day, to make it more convenient for you?

Okay

I would also suggest that the school isn't being all that helpful if her DD's needs haven't been explored with the SENCO, referrals made etc. They should be supporting OP with this, not just leaving her to try and work out how to go about it

Given your update OP I would ask the school! They might say no but nothing lost! You are not being entitled to ask, the entitled bit would be demanding, or not accepting no for an answer. You are going to have to develop the hide of a rhino if your DD has SEN, you may as well start now.

@Overthebow

YABU, would g everyone who has siblings at the school have the same problem? If they offer your DS a place they would have to do it for all siblings and then there would be too many people.

I’d expect that those already attending would also have siblings attending too. I doubt there are any families who would be taking one child to breakfast club and not another.

I suppose what I'm a bit in the dark about is that suddenly my dd is being offered all this extra support and special help and no one has sat me down and said what it all means. It's like it's being hinted at but I want to know what they're alluding too. I'm a strong woman I can take it.

As you can drive and l assume you have a car?

Can you not drive there should be very quick in a car as it is close, come back with your son...
Or could you and him sit in the car and do his homework freeing up time later in the evening or some reading time?

I also agree you should have the thread title changed. School are helping - I'm assuming they also do it free of charge for your daughter? What would be more accurate is "school aren't bending over backwards to meet my unreasonable request".

YABVU.

I would drive and drop dd off, than go back home and walk ds to school. Or use the breakfast club for last 5~10 mins just get her settled while you and ds wait in the playground.

@Blabla81 it’s possible that the other families maybe using the other private breakfast club down the road if there are other siblings involved.

@Agelikeafinebottleofblacktower I would ask to speak to the SENDCO or email them, contact details should be on the school website

Wow some unsympathetic posts. The support for the child has to be realistic and family based .