School aren't helping with morning routine

[Agelikeafinebottleofblacktower]

My dd has always been anxious. Since starting back at school she has had serious meltdowns every morning, crying for up to forty minutes, shaking walking to school. At her age this behaviour is quite unusual, especially as she was better (1-2 meltdowns at drop off per week) in previous years. I feel it's sensory, as she is perfectly happy walking to school and excited to see friends but seizes up and bolts for the gate as soon as she gets in the playground. It's quite different from last year (covid) as all the kids are in the playground together as well as all the parents, dogs, teachers etc and she just can't tolerate the noise, chaos of it.
School have offered a breakfast club so she can avoid this. There's not a breakfast club currently apart from for kids with additional needs and low income families, so there's about six kids who attend in the whole school. My dd went yesterday and loved it, the school said she was calm and ready to join the class at lesson time. However, they can not accommodate my ds who is also at school. So if my dd goes I then have a 45 minute wait with him, not enough time to go home, no park local and it's cold and wet. I feel this is really unfair and might impact on his feelings about school, as he has to leave home earlier and will have a long wait before starting.
Can I push this and should I as he does not fit the criteria?

@BoredZelda

More abelist bullshit

I wonder if you can explain what you think or mean by that. I've always found understanding my legal rights and responsibilities the quickest way to get the best support possible.

To everyone responding to the thread since the OP posted at 8:50am, but clearly haven't read her posts before commenting:

The OP hasn't actually asked the school if her DS can attend the breakfast club!

@lifecoachingandotherbollocks

This threads a really sad read. Its so fucking difficult parebting a sen child, more help needed not less.

Yes. I am not the parent of a sen child but this thread is every kind of unsupportive and unhelpful.

This thread is nuts. Where do people get off having a go at a stranger on the internet when her poor daughter is so distressed she's crying for 40 minutes and shaking on the way to school?

Poor kid.

Ok. Clearly this isn't normal. I'm autistic and this is a possibility but not necessarily. Yes, it is worth getting on the waiting list for further assessment. The wait can be years and the sooner you're on it, the sooner she can be seen.

As this is really benefitting her then I think you have to stick with it. Her body must be pumped with stress hormones and that will have a long term impact. Having her calm is really important. Are there any friends near the school that you can pop to in the morning? Any free places inside that are open like libraries? It will be miserable and impractical outside for your son in the depths of winter when it's dark, wet and cold.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming

Nobody is criticising op for sending her DD.

I can't be bothered to re-read the thread but I remember one post telling her that she was 'entitled'. Loads of people are having a go. Some compassion wouldn't go amiss.

@MiddlesexGirl

Not so bad now but what about when it's bloody freezing?

Do kids not go out in the snow any more?
If it's bloody freezing then wrap up warm. It's not rocket science.

I wouldn't want my 4 yo out in torrential rain for an hour every morning, or sun zero temperatures. And that's before we get to toileting issues

Nobody said she was entitled for wanting her daughter to go.

That's not an issue.

He can be doing without getting piss wet through each morning. I wouldn't be happy doing this and I wouldn't let my kids do it either.
Come now @Eeiliethya, this is MN. There's no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing. It's totally OK for a kid to be outside for an hour plus in pissing down rain, gale force winds, sun zero temperature because there's an outfit for that!!

This could be a small nurture type group organised by pastoral staff such as sencos or ELSA (emotional literacy support) which would mean it wouldn't be appropriate to have siblings there and may include certain times activities. I would think there would be some leeway in timings though if it is going to cause issues for your son ?
Also it may be a short term solution ? I would be surprised if the school could provide it long term as I imagine that this gentler start to school will be seen as a step to reducing school anxiety and that they'll build on this to a point where she is able to cope with a more normal start to the school day? So it may be worth checking time scales as this may be less challenging for your son if only a few weeks .
You can also self refer in most areas to the school nurse team who do lots of work with giving children coping skills for school anxiety. I think your gp would usually signpost to them as a first step.

Hmm I’m on the fence a bit, I have a child with autism and have 4 children in total, my 2 boys have just got into an after school sports club, it’s for one hour but on different days so it means hanging around after school for A hour with 3 other kids twice a week, no way would I want to do it daily (we live too far from the school to go home and come back) twice a week is bad enough, loving all the cafe comments! There are none near my kids school we would have to get a bus to one and by the time we travelled there and back we wouldn’t have any time to spend in the cafe!

I have one with autism so appreciate meeting everyone's needs is difficult.

In your situation, especially if the breakfast Club for DD is free, I'd look at taking up the £5 breakfast Club for DS. It might be an inconvenience for him but DD needs this club or otherwise she won't be able to settle in, so compromises have to be made.

It means you can get to work earlier and again I'd see if that means you can get out earlier too.

The best solution by far seems to be to pay £5 for your ds to go to the fee paying breakfast club. You say you are working (you chose this primary school because you can walk to work after dropping the kids) so even if you're only on NMW, you're paid nearly double in your first hour's work of the day what the breakfast club costs. It doesn't really add up that you can't afford it. Also, as your ds is reception, presumably you had some sort of childcare in place up until the start of this term.... did your ds go to a childminder who could continue to drop him off for school? The only other scenario would be if you've literally just started going to work this term... in which case, surely you've got more money in your pocket than previously.

I'm not unsympathetic to the OPs situation. A child having meltdowns like this sounds very stressful. But the school are offering a SEND provision which sounds massively successful already - the sticking point is that the OP is reluctant to pay a fiver for her ds.

[quote User5827372728]@Caramellatteplease

Maybe OP could offer to provide the breakfast for the kid and the club is already staffed anyway[/quote]
Completely not the point

You said you wanted to walk to work after school but imply you can drive. So maybe that has to go out of the window so you have somewhere to sit with your son.

It can be difficult to navigate all of this, OP.

Here is a plan :

1. ask the school if ds could attend the club too. It's fine to ask. Worst they can do is say no. They won't judge you for asking. Explain that you are really grateful but struggling with logistics. Perhaps even ask if he could come only on rainy days.
2. ask for a meeting with the senco. Ask her for advice. Find out what other difficulties, if any, your dd presents with in school. Discuss any difficulties she has at home. Ask if she is on the send register.
3. GP appointment. It does sound possible that dd has autism or a sensory processing disorder. Only doctors can diagnose, not teachers (or internet strangers).

Good luck