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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just ask for support from you all

450 replies

marthasGinyard · 04/10/2021 17:30

My previous names are only1scoop and MarthasGinYard I've been around years.

I suffered from anxiety for a while and was in a very unhappy relationship which ticked on for the sake of our daughter I guess.

In Feb/March this year I became ill with gastro issues and ended up having an awful time I had a breakdown. I vomited blood was losing blood ended to with scan after test a week in hospital all the time being scorned by my partner of 13 years. "I'll be glad when you have cancer" was among one of the things he said to me. I spent a night in a mental facility just to get away. He told me continually he didn't love me, was abusive in front of our daughter. I was struck with a horrid post nasal drip never encountered before and awful pains. More tests scans. Was left with a nasal voice but it went away. I was left with premature cataracts which I believe can be caused by oxidative stress. I spent 2 months with zero sleep in a continuous state of hyperventilation.

June I started to get better. Symptoms abetted and I wanted to leave. I calmly asked for my share of equity and the abuse flooded out. I was cabin crew for almost 23 years and always worked. After abuse I called police and came to a refuge where I have been since the beginning of July.

I started to get positive for mine and DD's new life and solicitor was handling the other stuff. I have some good friends but no family that can help much.

The only medical issue I still had was a strange vibration still in chest and a pressing feeling had started on throat. Gp puts everything down to anxiety and I wasn't worried about these symptoms but wasn't anxious at the time quite the very opposite.

Mid august I had a tremor start in my left thumb. The twitching then became bodywide. The GP did basic bloods which were ok and it didn't go. I went to see a neurologist privately but I felt all was put down to anxiety. I had an EMG test performed which was clear but very early on only 2 weeks following twitching,

The ladies at refuge have heard how I have been spoken to by old GP's and sent me to a new one. She saw the fasiculatiions and my scalloped swollen tongue twitching I explained my speech has changed and she has tried to expodite my neurology appointment with NHS. She took me seriously and examined me thoroughly.

I'm terrified this is MND bulbar palsy. I am woke with involuntary swallowing and throat feels all odd.

Benign fasiculation syndrome was suggested by Neuro but he didn't even look at the fasics. I've looked into this and it seems common amongst the young and fit sports type with big thumping twitches. Mine are tiny ripples some I barely feel but only see.

I'm terrified I will leave my Dd without her mum and with the horrible father we left.

I don't even know why I'm posting I just after being on here for so long wanted some MN support. I'm so lonely and frightened in this nitemare.

If anyone remembers me and can just offer support I'd be so grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 04/10/2021 17:39

When I read oxidised stress can cause this I feel so guilty that by remaining there I've done this to myself. I lost 3 stone in 3 months I was very poorly.

All I want is to be mum. A new start for my daughter to have the life for her we could never have with him.

I'm 48 I know several people on this site but at this point I don't care who reads it.

There is no definitive test for these symptoms. Dr sent my for an MRI of spine. I feel I'm just playing a waiting game. The ex has just made an offer which is not 50 percent of equity but I don't care about that anymore. Do I leave refuge and find somewhere else?? What if I get really sick.

We know our bodies. I was in a happy place when this twitching started this isn't all down to stress.

I've contemplated posting on here for support for so long.

I hope I've done the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 04/10/2021 18:43

I'm trying to break it all down bit by bit my daughter wrote her Christmas list last night I wanted to cry.

If I start I won't stop

OP posts:
FellInLoveWithABanana · 04/10/2021 18:48

I’m so sorry you are going through this x

Grapewrath · 04/10/2021 18:54

I’m so sorry you are going through this- is it possible you have PTSD which is manifesting physical symptoms or a nutritional deficiency caused by the gastric issues?
I understand why you are worried about mnd but it’s a rare disease so try not to jump to ahh conclusions

NChope · 04/10/2021 18:57

Sorry it all sounds so worrying. On the plus side a private neurologist has seen you and doesn’t think it is MND. However, if you are still concerned, why don’t you make another appointment to see one of the MND specialists at queens square in London. You can ask your gp to refer you. Or see if you can get a private appointment. Or/and call the MNDA motor neurone disease association tomorrow for advice and you could also find out about local experts if you aren’t in London. All the best with it all and sending you courage. Daffodil

PlonkyWillyWonky · 04/10/2021 19:01

Stress can manifest in many ways. I'm so sorry for all you have been through
Sending you a hand hold Flowers

LateMumma · 04/10/2021 19:03

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have benign fasciculation syndrome and could've written your post - I've had mine for 7 years now and I'm all good. It started with a massively highly stressful event and has never abated. See the neurologist, they may recommend an EMG/ nerve conduction study, which is a definitive test for MND. There's a great group on FB about BFS; many, many people have symptoms similar to yours caused by stress events. Please try not to worry 💐

Original poster
marthasGinyard · 04/10/2021 22:47

Thank you so much for your responses. I will look into queens square for sure if my NHS appointment isn't bought fwd.

I wanted to believe this is BFS for sure but mine are like little ripples I feel. They don't seem like the usual BFS issues I've read about.

You are all very kind and I appreciate every post.

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 04/10/2021 22:59

Just found a Dr Nik Sharma queens square will email him to find out more details.

OP posts:
FolkyFoxFace · 04/10/2021 23:23

I can't offer any constructive advice, but I do recognise your previous name. Just wanted to send a hand hold and keep your thread bumped, in case anyone can help further. Flowers

Goneblank38 · 04/10/2021 23:31

I have no advice op but wish you the best. You've been very brave.

Original poster
marthasGinyard · 04/10/2021 23:34

Thank you both so much

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 04/10/2021 23:35

I was normally on the big brother threads and anything silly in general.

I miss laughing

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 04/10/2021 23:36

@refugemum
As they say on here I couldn't just read then run.
You have been through so much you have such inner strengh and I hope that strength sees you through this period you are going through.
@LateMummas post was very helpful. I appreciate it must be so difficult not to worry re your symptoms and your dd.
I wish you all the best with your health and that life improves in every way.
Goodluck Flowers

Justilou1 · 04/10/2021 23:41

Hi OP… I don’t want to minimize the medical possibilities here. They should definitely be ruled out, and I am very pleased that you have a GP who is taking the symptoms you describe seriously. Meanwhile, I have C-PTSD. It’s a bit different to PTSD. This results from long-term abuse (usually childhood, but not always.) Perhaps you should investigate this as well. Do you bite the sides of your tongue or push it up against the top of your mouth? This can be a habit formed by people trying to keep quiet when they are emotionally unsafe. The larynx (known as vocal chords) is definitely sensitive to stress as well. Regardless of whether they find a medical problem or not (I really hope that they don’t), I urge you to consider specialist trauma counselling. It think you would really benefit from it - especially EMDR, which is the most effective form of treatment for PTSD/CPTSD. It’s not a “talking therapy” like counselling, but one where the deeper parts of your brain (limbic system) is stimulated to be less hyper reactive to stressors. I live in Aus, and know that there are few EMDR practitioners here. There are more in UK, but still hard to get into. Would be worth exploring. I can say from my own experience that it helped me enormously and it works very quickly - especially if you have specific areas that you know you need to address.

Dita73 · 05/10/2021 02:17

I’m so sorry you’ve had such an awful time.
I’m the same age as you and have had severe anxiety issues since I was 7 years old. I got very ill at 17 and my life completely stopped. I couldn’t function in any way because of the severity of my anxiety disorder and other mental health illnesses. Thirty years on and things have been up and down over the years but most days I can get through with out too much distress. I’m telling you this as I wanted to assure you that I’m very familiar with anxiety and it’s symptoms.
I can honestly say that the symptoms that you are describing are very definitely likely to be caused by anxiety. It’s never failed to amaze me how physical symptoms can be when they’re actually caused by something psychological. It’s bloody terrifying. I’ve had so many scans and tests as my symptoms have mimicked a physical illness but it’s always ultimately been the anxiety/depression/etc. Of course getting these things checked is not only a good idea but essential but considering everything you’ve been through I would not be at all surprised if anxiety is the cause. You said these things have happened when you’ve been feeling ok but it’s fairly safe to assume that even during those times your more anxious than you should be.
I actually lost someone close to me from MND earlier in the year. It happened very quickly and didn’t start with symptoms like you’re describing.
I hope you’ll soon be feeling better and will be reassured. Best wishes to you Flowers

Original poster
marthasGinyard · 05/10/2021 12:12

Thank you for reply

I was in a good place when the last lot of symptoms started Not stressed but excited for our future.

I've just been on phone to see if NHS apt has been bought forward but It's not been looked at yet.

I'm finding it so hard to be mum.

I feel being in that state of anxiety for so long has caused this.

I've tried to contact the private neurologist I saw to no avail.

I'm having to hold it together at the refuge as If they think I'm not coping well they will call social services re my daughter. I have to be bright and breezy, can't be emotional.

I'm contemplating seeing another private neurologist.

I'm at a loss what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 05/10/2021 12:29

I'm so sorry for your loss

OP posts:
bearlyactive · 05/10/2021 12:34

This is very very obscure and unlikely but are you or have you been on any medication? I'm just thinking of tardive dyskinesia.

Justilou1 · 05/10/2021 16:10

@refugemum… sorry to tell you, but unfortunately stress, anxiety, PTSD, etc, are all genuine mental health disorders. They don’t always necessarily correlate to the headspace you were in when the first symptoms begin to appear. Sometimes they rear their ugly heads BECAUSE you’re finally feeling safe enough to react to whatever had triggered you in the past. (Consciously or unconsciously.)

Original poster
marthasGinyard · 05/10/2021 18:09

Thank you bearly I will look at that one

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 05/10/2021 18:11

Thanks Justil

I can only hope but my symptoms can't all be explained by anxiety I don't think.

So grateful for your posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 05/10/2021 18:12

Please if anyone is in an unhappy relationship just get out now.

It doesn't get better, they don't just change.

Don't stay for the kids.

Get out whilst you can

Don't ever end up like this.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 05/10/2021 18:59

Wishing you a the best as you get through the next few weeks and hoping for a positive outcome.

LoislovesStewie · 05/10/2021 19:20

I just want to give you a huge hug; you are having such a rough time at present. I hope that you are getting lots of support from the staff at the refuge, you will have been through so much, and it takes a huge amount of courage to leave an abusive partner. BTW the women I dealt with who were in refuses often made lifelong friendships as they knew best how to support one another.
I can't help you with any diagnosis, but I just wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you and wishing you all you wish yourself.