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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just ask for support from you all

450 replies

marthasGinyard · 04/10/2021 17:30

My previous names are only1scoop and MarthasGinYard I've been around years.

I suffered from anxiety for a while and was in a very unhappy relationship which ticked on for the sake of our daughter I guess.

In Feb/March this year I became ill with gastro issues and ended up having an awful time I had a breakdown. I vomited blood was losing blood ended to with scan after test a week in hospital all the time being scorned by my partner of 13 years. "I'll be glad when you have cancer" was among one of the things he said to me. I spent a night in a mental facility just to get away. He told me continually he didn't love me, was abusive in front of our daughter. I was struck with a horrid post nasal drip never encountered before and awful pains. More tests scans. Was left with a nasal voice but it went away. I was left with premature cataracts which I believe can be caused by oxidative stress. I spent 2 months with zero sleep in a continuous state of hyperventilation.

June I started to get better. Symptoms abetted and I wanted to leave. I calmly asked for my share of equity and the abuse flooded out. I was cabin crew for almost 23 years and always worked. After abuse I called police and came to a refuge where I have been since the beginning of July.

I started to get positive for mine and DD's new life and solicitor was handling the other stuff. I have some good friends but no family that can help much.

The only medical issue I still had was a strange vibration still in chest and a pressing feeling had started on throat. Gp puts everything down to anxiety and I wasn't worried about these symptoms but wasn't anxious at the time quite the very opposite.

Mid august I had a tremor start in my left thumb. The twitching then became bodywide. The GP did basic bloods which were ok and it didn't go. I went to see a neurologist privately but I felt all was put down to anxiety. I had an EMG test performed which was clear but very early on only 2 weeks following twitching,

The ladies at refuge have heard how I have been spoken to by old GP's and sent me to a new one. She saw the fasiculatiions and my scalloped swollen tongue twitching I explained my speech has changed and she has tried to expodite my neurology appointment with NHS. She took me seriously and examined me thoroughly.

I'm terrified this is MND bulbar palsy. I am woke with involuntary swallowing and throat feels all odd.

Benign fasiculation syndrome was suggested by Neuro but he didn't even look at the fasics. I've looked into this and it seems common amongst the young and fit sports type with big thumping twitches. Mine are tiny ripples some I barely feel but only see.

I'm terrified I will leave my Dd without her mum and with the horrible father we left.

I don't even know why I'm posting I just after being on here for so long wanted some MN support. I'm so lonely and frightened in this nitemare.

If anyone remembers me and can just offer support I'd be so grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 20:32

Frazzled Thanks

I can't face my dad it's too upsetting

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 20:34

Thank you all for your kind words

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 20:40

.

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 20:40

I've given myself my old name back

OP posts:
ChequerBoard · 17/10/2021 20:54

@refugemum

Frazzledd

Thank you

I know what this is

There isn't anything else it can be, literally.

Honestly you can't diagnose yourself like this, you aren't a doctor. Googling terrible illnesses and convincing yourself you have them is not helping anyone, not you and not your poor daughter.

Unless and until a qualified medical practitioner has diagnosed you with a condition following the correct testing protocol then you do not have whatever it is you are obsessing over.

I'm very sorry to sound harsh and I fully accept that you have had a difficult time. You clearly have extreme health anxiety and I urge you to realise that the physical effects of that can be utterly real - mind & body are not separate entities.

Please get help for your anxiety and stop hiding your issues from the refuge staff. Your daughter must be suffering as a result of all this and could probably do with some additional support herself.

Mysa74 · 17/10/2021 21:24

I think that's a great idea. Welcome back marthasginyard xx how about popping over to one of your old thread types, crack a few jokes relive those 80s tunes? No one knows what the future holds but you can grab what happiness you can and hopefully the future won't be nearly as bleak as you fear.
Fake it til you make it and hold hands with us all whenever you need to. Sending you my best wishes and Gin brave lady

Sapphire387 · 17/10/2021 21:24

OP, you have been through a hell of a lot of stress. It's good you are getting medically checked out, but stress can cause all sorts of things to go crazily wrong in the body.

If it helps as a comparison, I have PTSD due to my late husband's illness and death. I am semi-constantly convinced I am dying. I am having EMDR as previous posters have suggested for you.

I wish you good luck Flowers

Original poster
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 21:27

Chequers

What a great idea Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 21:28

Thank you Saphire Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 21:29

Dd has just drawn a picture of me using only dots. It's actually quite flattering although she's forgotten the ears Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 23:20

Mysa

Now that is a great idea

OP posts:
Mysa74 · 26/10/2021 20:30

How are you doing today @marthasginyard?

Original poster
marthasGinyard · 26/10/2021 20:46

Bad to worse

After my breakdown I developed a clear post nasal drip and excruciating eye pains. It was a csf leak. I think it caused my MND.

I feel like between my awful GP and partner they've both killed me.

Just about hanging on.

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 26/10/2021 20:47

Thank you for asking

OP posts:
Original poster
marthasGinyard · 26/10/2021 20:48

Coming to terms with not being here for my daughter after all we've been through is too much.

I can't just go though.

OP posts:
gonnabeok · 26/10/2021 21:24

OP, severe stress/PTSD can really cause many seriously debilitating illnesses. Don't leave the refuge as you are safe and have support there, until such time as you have suitable, safe accommodation. Don't agree to what your bully of an ex is offering financially. Make sure you get the right legal advice and get what you and your dd are entitled to, for yours and your dd's sake. Take one day at a time, when people are in a panic it is easy to look everything up online when sometimes that is the worst thing we can do. You really are stronger than you realise...

Original poster
marthasGinyard · 26/10/2021 22:13

My tongue wriggles like worms
My speech is odd
My body twitches all over
My jaws clink in my sleep

I'm not long for this world

OP posts:
Mysa74 · 26/10/2021 22:28

Oh Martha, I'm so sorry you feel this way. Do you have anyone nice that can give you a hug, you sound like you really need one?
When do you see the doctor again, you need to get to the bottom of this...
Have some unmumsnetty ((hugs)).
Keep talking, there's always one of us listening xx

GrrrlPwr · 26/10/2021 22:53

Hi OP I couldn't just read and run. Mental load of stress really can manifest itself in your body. It's your body's way of trying to get your brain to get you out of the situation.
That's my take on it. Having been through a complete nervous breakdown myself. You need rest, sleep and time to heal. Massage, reflexology, definitely sertraline etc.

Hug your DD, rest and recover. You will get better.

winewolfhowls · 26/10/2021 22:53

So sorry to hear your tale, the thought of leaving our kids without us is surely all us mum's worse nightmares. But please remember you aren't there yet. I don't know all your story but it sounds like you have come so very far, don't give up now.
Could you go back to the doctor and vocalise your extreme worry and worsening symptoms?

winewolfhowls · 26/10/2021 22:55

Also remember that everything seems so much worse once the sun goes down but if you hang on there is always a dawn

Gingernaut · 26/10/2021 23:09

Stress and anxiety can cause all the symptoms you're describing.

Jaw clicking overnight might well be bruxism or tooth grinding.

A mouthguard will protect the enamel from your jaw clenching.

thaegumathteth · 26/10/2021 23:59

OP please, you are diagnosing yourself, you cannot do that.

Have you ever had your B12 levels checked? Much of what you say is very very reminiscent of my experiences with b12 deficiency.

Please realise OP you need to sort your mental health out.

Original poster
marthasGinyard · 27/10/2021 11:03

Believe me I hear what you are all saying but I'm 100 percent on this.

Bulbar is harder to diagnose as less to go on in EMG. My speech has changed, my teeth have changed position.

Between the incompetent GP and the ex they've killed me.

It's apparently a horrible way to die and I don't want Dd to see me like that,

Takes months to diagnose.

Would I want to spend mr final probably 1 year if lucky in a medical negligence case.

It was a CSF leak that has caused this that on top of the worst 6 months imaginable. I used to be the healthiest person in the world. Never even had a cold.

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 27/10/2021 11:45

What does your dentist say about your teeth?