To just ask for support from you all

[marthasGinyard]

My previous names are only1scoop and MarthasGinYard I've been around years.

I suffered from anxiety for a while and was in a very unhappy relationship which ticked on for the sake of our daughter I guess.

In Feb/March this year I became ill with gastro issues and ended up having an awful time I had a breakdown. I vomited blood was losing blood ended to with scan after test a week in hospital all the time being scorned by my partner of 13 years. "I'll be glad when you have cancer" was among one of the things he said to me. I spent a night in a mental facility just to get away. He told me continually he didn't love me, was abusive in front of our daughter. I was struck with a horrid post nasal drip never encountered before and awful pains. More tests scans. Was left with a nasal voice but it went away. I was left with premature cataracts which I believe can be caused by oxidative stress. I spent 2 months with zero sleep in a continuous state of hyperventilation.

June I started to get better. Symptoms abetted and I wanted to leave. I calmly asked for my share of equity and the abuse flooded out. I was cabin crew for almost 23 years and always worked. After abuse I called police and came to a refuge where I have been since the beginning of July.

I started to get positive for mine and DD's new life and solicitor was handling the other stuff. I have some good friends but no family that can help much.

The only medical issue I still had was a strange vibration still in chest and a pressing feeling had started on throat. Gp puts everything down to anxiety and I wasn't worried about these symptoms but wasn't anxious at the time quite the very opposite.

Mid august I had a tremor start in my left thumb. The twitching then became bodywide. The GP did basic bloods which were ok and it didn't go. I went to see a neurologist privately but I felt all was put down to anxiety. I had an EMG test performed which was clear but very early on only 2 weeks following twitching,

The ladies at refuge have heard how I have been spoken to by old GP's and sent me to a new one. She saw the fasiculatiions and my scalloped swollen tongue twitching I explained my speech has changed and she has tried to expodite my neurology appointment with NHS. She took me seriously and examined me thoroughly.

I'm terrified this is MND bulbar palsy. I am woke with involuntary swallowing and throat feels all odd.

Benign fasiculation syndrome was suggested by Neuro but he didn't even look at the fasics. I've looked into this and it seems common amongst the young and fit sports type with big thumping twitches. Mine are tiny ripples some I barely feel but only see.

I'm terrified I will leave my Dd without her mum and with the horrible father we left.

I don't even know why I'm posting I just after being on here for so long wanted some MN support. I'm so lonely and frightened in this nitemare.

If anyone remembers me and can just offer support I'd be so grateful.

Thank you both so much

Oh, love. You are struggling through a very difficult time. I remember your other user names. I'm just bumping for you really, as I'm not familiar with the medical side of things related to your post.

You've done so well already; you've got you and your daughter out of a deeply unhappy environment and away from a relationship that was causing you trauma. You are now in the process of recovery and healing from that. Please be kind to yourself and properly acknowledge that this will take time.
While you are working through the medical side and waiting for answers, can you try to practise some techniques for coping with the stress and anxiety. Could you allocate yourself a set amount of time, at a certain time each day, where you allow yourself to think about your issues, but put them away in a mental box the rest of the time? Trying not to think about it doesn't always work if you're just putting it off indefinitely, but if you know you're 'allowed' to once every day, perhaps the rest of the time you can just live and shut out the anxiety. Is there any RL support you can access? Would the people at the refuge really contact SS if you asked for some additional support? How old is your DD?

Thank you so much

Dd is 11

We don't fit the usual criteria here as awful as that sounds. Dd still attends her private school. We have never had SS involved. I think when I got upset last week they just mentioned that if they thought I was struggling they would need to involve them. I won't let that happen.

Ex is now ready to negotiate with equity I've had to hand this over to a friend as I can't deal with it at rye moment. I think the plan will be to private rent somewhere but I'm so worried incase my worst fears are realised. I just don't know.

I desperately wanted to be back at work and use the money for a deposit for a home but that is out of the question at the moment,

I have some RL support in a few close friends but I feel like they've only just helped me out of last health issues.

I miss laughing, fun, I don't want to bring people down.

I haven't seen my wonderful dad for a month. He is so worried but I'll just cry if I see him and I won't be able to stop.

He's 86 and cares for my DM with severe Alzheimer's. I don't get to see him on his own. I've two older brothers but both extremely selfish and just pleasantries really. Barely ever see them.

My dd is my world and I'm terrified of leaving her with the man I got us away from. She still see's him a couple of nights a week.

@refugemum

I have some RL support in a few close friends but I feel like they've only just helped me out of last health issues.

I miss laughing, fun, I don't want to bring people down.

Try to look at it from another angle; how would you feel if you found out a close friend was really struggling with something, but you hadn't known because they didn't want to bother you or bring you down? I know I'd hate it. In fact I did find out something along those lines years ago and I was (selfishly) hurt that my best friend hadn't asked for my support. Please seek support from your closest friends or family. You have to have an outlet. You mustn't bottle things up.

Also, what is it about leaving the refuge and private renting that you feel you couldn't do, if health did become a problem? Is it because of the practical support you have at the refuge? Or more of a psychological barrier for allowing yourself to move forward? How is life at the refuge?

I guess it's a little both regarding the living arrangements

We need to get out of here and our own place. I need a stepping stone between if that makes sense.

My friends were cross I hadn't confided earlier.

It's just such a hard thing to say after everything they helped me through

Don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

I can't do anything stupid I have an amazing daughter.

Vile ex is finally going to settle money but I don't know what to do. Symptoms seem worse. GP has given me tablets and said it could take time to sort out what is happening.

Fasics are worse.

I was so hoping that my MRI would show something.

Anything but what I know deep down

Sorry to read that you are in such a shit situation.

Which symptoms seem worse OP? Do you keep a diary of your symptoms? Along with other details of your day to day life to see if there is any pattern or correlation?

Yes the fasiculations are worse and have taken videos of them.

I'm so unsure what to do I don't feel I've much time. Do I find a home to private rent when I get equity.

Thanks Random

Life at refuge difficult I don't engage with anyone anymore

I fly under the radar as I'm worried they may involve social services if they see I'm down. It's been mentioned.

I exist

I don't feel I will ever laugh again and I loved laughing

I think you need to involve your father and very closest friends in support for you. You have horrendous health anxiety based on jumping to the worst possible conclusion, so no wonder you are terrified if you have convinced yourself of it. You poor thing, feeling so alone and having to be strong for your daughter. Your dad would not be able to bear the thought of you going through this alone. You simply must involve him in this. I know it's difficult with your mother's problems too, but family is absolutely necessary when we are going through tough times. Your friends too... Please talk to them don't be alone with this.

The problem is, is now that you have become convinced of MND, you are terrified and of course, the awful anxiety will be producing its own symptoms, a vicious cycle. Can you book another GP appointment to talk through this side of things?

As for the housing situation, is the equity you will receive enough for a deposit, to buy somewhere? What about a cosy one bedroom flat that you and your daughter could share? Bedroom for DD and the lounge could become your bedroom? Are you living in an expensive area? If you're thinking about private rental, could the budget stretch to buying? Can your dad help?

The chances of being diagnosed with mnd are very small. There are other explanations for your symptoms and you've been through such a terrible time xx

I have found I developed physical health issues AFTER my stress levels go down, presumably because that is the time my body feels I will be able to deal with them, who
knows really. The physical symptoms are real, not psychological, but caused by trauma, confusingly.
My best advice is to continue pursuing medical avenues, but also try to ground yourself mentally and spiritually. You need to figure out what will replenish your spirit-sorry if that sounds really woo, I can't think of another word.
I understand your stress about being seriously ill, but odds are that it is more likely to be something you will recover from and you will come to a new phase of your life where laughter will come easy and you will find yourself again. Your body is telling you that you must make efforts to nourish yourself. Take whatever supports are available to you. I wish you all the best and hope you find an answer soon

Feeling worse everyday

Fasiculations are getting worse and barely feel them just see them.

I've got to pull myself together dd is back with me tonight after 2 nights at her dads.

'for the housing situation, is the equity you will receive enough for a deposit, to buy somewhere? What about a cosy one bedroom flat that you and your daughter could share? Bedroom for DD and the lounge could become your bedroom? Are you living in an expensive area? If you're thinking about private rental, could the budget stretch to buying? Can your dad help?'

This was the plan I'd hoped to be back at work now and yes enough for a substantial deposit.

I honestly don't think I can take much more. I sometimes feel like writing a letter to explain things to dd.

It's all become too much. Existing from day to day. I can't even face the supermarket. I've got to go to chemist to pick up diazepam dreading that. The ladies here are going to start questioning things. They know I'm worried.

I really appreciate your messages by the way.

Virtual hugs, I feel so helpless to help, no words can improve things.

Your DD knows what real love and security is because of you and what you provide emotionally and that will stand her in good stead for the rest of her life.

I would write down all your good memories of her from pregnancy onwards all the silly, funny and lovely things. Wish I had done that, my memories all seem to have vanished now they are older teens

Thanks Random

I'm going to start putting albums etc together.

Haven't managed to get out of bed today.

Need to stop this because of Dd

Was hoping something would show up on scans but so far nothing.

Stress can cause so much. Of course you need to check these symptoms out properly , so it's fantastic that you have been supported so well by the refuge. But in the meantime try to focus on the fact that the chance of your symptoms being stress-related, or a less serious physical issue, is many many times likely than a neurological disease. I convinced myself I had throat cancer a few years ago (lone parent so I know that awful fear and gnawing worry of leaving your DC alone). It turned out to be gastric reflux; easily treated and now well under control.

You have the whole of Mumsnet crossing their fingers and wishing you a similar outcome ( not wanting you to get indigestion, but you know what I mean..! ). Take care of yourself and talk all this stuff out, here or IRL... as much as possible, it's the only way.

Are the refuge able to help you with legal aid?. You also need a really good solicitor who can help you get the best outcome for you and your daughter, as fast as possible. If yours is not on the ball, get someone from the refuge to help you ask questions.