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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To just ask for support from you all

450 replies

marthasGinyard · 04/10/2021 17:30

My previous names are only1scoop and MarthasGinYard I've been around years.

I suffered from anxiety for a while and was in a very unhappy relationship which ticked on for the sake of our daughter I guess.

In Feb/March this year I became ill with gastro issues and ended up having an awful time I had a breakdown. I vomited blood was losing blood ended to with scan after test a week in hospital all the time being scorned by my partner of 13 years. "I'll be glad when you have cancer" was among one of the things he said to me. I spent a night in a mental facility just to get away. He told me continually he didn't love me, was abusive in front of our daughter. I was struck with a horrid post nasal drip never encountered before and awful pains. More tests scans. Was left with a nasal voice but it went away. I was left with premature cataracts which I believe can be caused by oxidative stress. I spent 2 months with zero sleep in a continuous state of hyperventilation.

June I started to get better. Symptoms abetted and I wanted to leave. I calmly asked for my share of equity and the abuse flooded out. I was cabin crew for almost 23 years and always worked. After abuse I called police and came to a refuge where I have been since the beginning of July.

I started to get positive for mine and DD's new life and solicitor was handling the other stuff. I have some good friends but no family that can help much.

The only medical issue I still had was a strange vibration still in chest and a pressing feeling had started on throat. Gp puts everything down to anxiety and I wasn't worried about these symptoms but wasn't anxious at the time quite the very opposite.

Mid august I had a tremor start in my left thumb. The twitching then became bodywide. The GP did basic bloods which were ok and it didn't go. I went to see a neurologist privately but I felt all was put down to anxiety. I had an EMG test performed which was clear but very early on only 2 weeks following twitching,

The ladies at refuge have heard how I have been spoken to by old GP's and sent me to a new one. She saw the fasiculatiions and my scalloped swollen tongue twitching I explained my speech has changed and she has tried to expodite my neurology appointment with NHS. She took me seriously and examined me thoroughly.

I'm terrified this is MND bulbar palsy. I am woke with involuntary swallowing and throat feels all odd.

Benign fasiculation syndrome was suggested by Neuro but he didn't even look at the fasics. I've looked into this and it seems common amongst the young and fit sports type with big thumping twitches. Mine are tiny ripples some I barely feel but only see.

I'm terrified I will leave my Dd without her mum and with the horrible father we left.

I don't even know why I'm posting I just after being on here for so long wanted some MN support. I'm so lonely and frightened in this nitemare.

If anyone remembers me and can just offer support I'd be so grateful.

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 16/10/2021 19:39

Hope things get better for you @refugemum and your dd.

marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 14:31

Sadly watching the fasiculations I can't even feel makes me feel it sadly is neurological.

OP posts:
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 14:41

My horrid ex is now going to
Pay out but I'm stuck as to what to do. Private rent? I can't but a place as i have no job my new airline contract came through this week. How ironic the job I had secured pre covid.

Let's be honest here. This is pointing to bulbar palsy MND I'm not likely to live long and that's not a death I want my amazing daughter to witness. I got us away from him and now he's going to be all she has.

I phoned Samaritans

Couldn't even get through.

I have to lie low at the refuge as I cried a couple of weeks ago and they said they would need to call child services if they felt my daughter was suffering in any way.

I've done this by staying in an awful relationship and trying to be loved made myself so ill physically too. The nights spent with zero sleep in complete hyperventilation. Oxidative stress is what I caused in my body and my daughter will pay the price.

I wanted to be here for her. I want to cry every time I look at her.

I frightened, I'm guilty, I hate what he's done and what I've allowed to happen

OP posts:
blissfulllife · 17/10/2021 14:48

Hi op I just wanted to add my support.

Has functional neurological disorder been mentioned yet?. X

marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 16:15

The GP mentioned it when I asked her what it could be, but it doesn't look like the fasiculations I'm experiencing are part of that.

She put me on sertraline and said she didn't think I'd get any quick answers and it would all take a while. She said if it was 'something nasty' then it's best I'm on tablets now.

I knew that being with him would eventually kill me.

The guilt I feel when I look at my Dd. I should have left him years ago.

She's going to be left with him and watch mummy die an awful death really soon

OP posts:
Horriblewoman · 17/10/2021 16:23

With respect OP, your posts sound like incredibly high levels of anxiety speaking so instead of paying for private neurology appointments, why not invest in a private psychiatrist to see whether you may have PTSD manifesting as physical symptoms and to get the right therapy?

Sleepinghyena · 17/10/2021 16:37

@refugemum Your post at 14.41 names your child. Could you perhaps ask Mumsnet to redact it?

MyPatronusIsACat · 17/10/2021 16:51

Bloody hell, what a load off nasty shit you've been through. Sad

Sending lots of love and hugs to you. Flowers

MyPatronusIsACat · 17/10/2021 16:53

[quote Sleepinghyena]**@refugemum Your post at 14.41 names your child. Could you perhaps ask Mumsnet to redact it?[/quote]
This ^

@refugemum Can you report your post at 14.41. Ask mumsnet to edit it and take out your daughter's name. Smile

Frazzledd · 17/10/2021 16:54

I can't add anything other than what's already been said but just wanted to post some support Flowers Keep talking it out OP-

IncessantNameChanger · 17/10/2021 17:20

I have just come across your post. So sorry you are in such a stressful situation. It's not the same but I am having neurology tests. To start with it looked like heart failure and / or MS and I still have lots of tests, but so far nothing is coming up in the tests. I had one emg with bad results but they called me back and next one was ok. I had a creatine kinase result of 230 dispute no exercise then it was normal. I have just had my second MRI. Apart from bone wear and tear it's normal. My nerve in my leg is vibrating inside like a phone vibrates. No reasons found. I'm tired breathless dizzy and my ankles swelled up over night - no causes found.

What I'm starting to realise is that there ( so far) is I have proof of heart failure. I have no proof of vascular disease. I have no proof of MS. Yet. So it could possibly be something else.

I also have had a decade of extreme stress but for other reasons. Not just everyday stress I'm talking about multiple court cases type stress.

You can not underestimate what stress does to your body and it can manifest in multiple ways. So what I want to say is that this isnt inevitably MND. Constant fight or flight mode is extremely unhealthy but once its switched off. You can start to recover. I was on stretraline at one point and was like a switch had been flipped off.

Anyway I'm rooting for you. Keep going.

marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 17:27

I am obviously highly anxious but I know that BFS caused by stress doesn't cause florid fasics which you can't feel.

The Dr said it will be a long process

OP posts:
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 17:29

Incessant Thanks

It sounds awful but I was hoping for MS

OP posts:
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 17:29

Rooting for you too

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 17/10/2021 17:33

OP I’m sorry you feel like this Flowersyou seem to be spiralling (I’m no expert) but you haven’t been officially diagnosed with anything that would rob your DD of her mum, have you? Unless I have missed it, in which case I am sorry. How old is your child? Will her father help with Christmas?

marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 17:36

No I haven't

Although all the signs are there. I'm reminded by them constantly.

I always did everything Christmas, holidays, the lot.

I'm at a loss

I just don't know

OP posts:
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 17:36

Thank you by the way

OP posts:
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 17:37

Anyone with my symptoms would be very worried it's not just me I'm sure who would feel like this.

OP posts:
marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 17:45

When I think of old me posting on

Big brother
80's lyrics and music and any other funny stuff I just can't believe where I am now in my life.

Don't ever end up like this.

OP posts:
Frazzledd · 17/10/2021 18:08

@refugemum you haven't 'ended up' anywhere my lovely. Your in a shit situation right now yes, especially with your health scares, but your out of that abusive nightmare- do you know how much courage that shows you have? You might not feel it, but I'll be proud of you, for you Flowers

This is limbo - not your final destination!

marthasGinyard · 17/10/2021 18:10

Frazzledd

Thank you

I know what this is

There isn't anything else it can be, literally.

OP posts:
Frazzledd · 17/10/2021 18:17

@refugemum

Frazzledd

Thank you

I know what this is

There isn't anything else it can be, literally.

There is always hope. It can always be something else. Please don't resign yourself defeated, you haven't been diagnosed and the mind is a powerful tool.

I second the pp who suggested EMDR. If anything it will put you in a better place to deal with anything else. We can only cope with so much, the stress of where your living won't be helping.

I know you don't want to worry your Dad (I'm sorry about your Mum), but please reconsider talking to him. He'll be worried that your not?

Igmum · 17/10/2021 18:26

No advice but sending love and a handhold ❤️💐

Igmum · 17/10/2021 18:34

No advice but sending love and a handhold ❤️💐

beigebrownblue · 17/10/2021 18:49

You have done so well getting out and getting to refuge.

This is very hard.

Sounds like the stage you are at, you have successfully managed to leave but still facing the legal stuff, which can be extremely challenging in itself, obviously so important for your future.

Yes, traumatic responses often rear their heads when you are out of the situation, when you are still there it is almost as if body is on emergency mode and as soon as you have some space, it can happen.

My advice would be try to think holistically as well, if you can. You may find that restorative yoga helps. Including the breathing exercises. It has been offered to army veterans returning and personally I believe the women in your situation actually have it harder because we have the sole responsiblity for a child.

So in that sense I salute your bravery.
Try not to label yourself with a particular condition.
Trauma is a normal response to an abnormal situation.

It will take time to recover.

And recovery will go in phases and often feel like three steps forward two steps back.

As far as the legal stuff is concerned google
surviving financial abuse...they have a helpline. They will help you understand how abusers try to manipulate you in court .

Also survivors forum as needed.

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