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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH?

232 replies

FatJan · 04/10/2021 10:12

Every morning I have a cup of coffee before work and another as I'm logging on (I work from home). After both cups of coffee, I feel properly awake and ready for the day.

That's it by the way - I don't drink it after 10/11 as I don't fall asleep as well at night if I do.

My DH has recently discovered decaffeinated coffee/tea and has taken it upon himself to break my 'caffeine addiction'. He feels I should be able to wake up fully with some fresh air and exercise like he has (very recently) started doing.

I'm not particularly interested. I don't entirely disagree with him, and maybe I will have a morning walk now and then, but I have no desire to give up coffee. I have no heart related health problems and I don't drink an unhealthy amount. It gives me a boost and gets all the gears turning in the morning.

Last week I had an important morning meeting which I mentioned to DH. On the morning of the meeting, DH brought me a coffee up, which I thought was thoughtful. I got up, got ready and he brought a second cup to my office just before I started the meeting.

During the meeting, I found I was struggling to engage as well as usual. I was still able to do my job, but I was a bit groggy and it must have come across as someone asked if I was tired.

You've guessed it - he'd brought me decaf both times.

This, it transpires, was to 'prove' my 'caffeine addiction' was 'all in my head'.

I am annoyed. He thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I have a senior position in work (head of department), and need to be 'on' all the time to engage the team and deal with that day's challenges. Coffee is one of the ways I do that in the morning. It has nothing to do with him.

I feel entirely disrespected and I think he's an especial idiot for choosing the morning of what he knew was an important meeting to do his failed experiment.

I'm not interested in engaging with him today. He hasn't (and won't) apologise.

AIBU to genuinely reconsider how I feel about him over this or should I give it time and try and forget about it?

OP posts:
Lotusmonster · 04/10/2021 16:42

Why don’t you “hide” some veggies in his dinner, pour him zero alcohol wine and serve him a vegan burger when he fancies a steak…..? 😁

Hesma · 04/10/2021 16:45

Make your own coffee

FancyLampshade · 04/10/2021 16:45

Who does he think he is? What a patronising, sanctimonious, arrogant arse. He can fuck right off.

Start putting laxative in his tea and if he notices tell him you were concerned about him not going to toilet regularly enough.

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2021 16:46

@Severntrent

Wow people are so angry about this. Yes its annoying but it was one cup of coffee - the discussion of consent sounds like people are equating it to some much more serious issue.
m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8
onelittlefrog · 04/10/2021 16:47

YANBU. It's controlling behaviour and would annoy me too.

Whatonearth07957 · 04/10/2021 16:47

Who made him the caffeine police.
Not funny to mess with your morning coffee...

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 16:48

@NoSquirrels
You know the tea in the tea video is meant to be a harmless stand in for sex? Right? It’s not meant to tell you that your consent is actually being violated by unwanted tea.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/10/2021 16:52

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@NoSquirrels
You know the tea in the tea video is meant to be a harmless stand in for sex? Right? It’s not meant to tell you that your consent is actually being violated by unwanted tea.[/quote]
Not only sex. All sorts of consent; consent in all things.

But you know that, don't you?

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2021 16:56

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@NoSquirrels
You know the tea in the tea video is meant to be a harmless stand in for sex? Right? It’s not meant to tell you that your consent is actually being violated by unwanted tea.[/quote]
Err, yes?

But the whole point is that consent is crucial to everything, even things as trivial as hot beverages…

I’m sure you can see that?

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2021 16:58

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@NoSquirrels
You know the tea in the tea video is meant to be a harmless stand in for sex? Right? It’s not meant to tell you that your consent is actually being violated by unwanted tea.[/quote]
In fact you’re wrong - it IS meant to tell you that your consent is actually being violated by unwanted beverages (or sex, or communication, or pizza, or anything).

RobertaFirmino · 04/10/2021 17:08

If he'd switch out her nightly 1 litre of vodka for something less likely to lead to an early death I'd have less of an issue

'Switch out', does that mean swapping/exchanging? If so, it would actually be more likely to lead to an early death. Making someone on a litre of spirits a day go cold turkey is the most dangerous thing you can do.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/10/2021 17:13

I'd replace his decaf with caffeinated on the quiet. Sanctimonious prick

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 17:20

Oh no, the tea video has brainwashed a few who have taken it literally instead of metaphorically.

Decaf coffee is not a serious violation of consent or trust or coercive control. It was a harmless annoying experiment. I would hate to be in a relationship with someone so intolerant and reconsidering their marriage to me over this. In fact if OP does divorce her DH over this, I’d say the DH has had a lucky escape!

2bazookas · 04/10/2021 17:24

No reason not to each have your own coffee machine and coffee supply.

DH and I don't like the same kind of tea; we each have a separate teapot and tea canister and whenever one of us decides its time for a cuppa we make two separate pots so we each get the tea we like made and served exactly the way we prefer. We don't like the same wine, either; so we buy and keep wine for him and wine for me.

lazylinguist · 04/10/2021 17:27

Fgs - it's not about whether having decaf or caf is a big deal or whether it's as serious as sexual consent (of course it isn't). If the OP's husband had given her decaf by accident, nobody would be fussed. But he took it upon himself to change her habits for her because he's an arrogant, smug twat who thinks his desire to prove a smug, holier-than-thou point is more important than the OP's right to choose to have a fucking cup of coffee if she wants! Jeez.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 17:44

Two cups of decaf coffee on one morning is not forcing a change in habit or depriving OP of her rights. It’s a “just try it once” attempt. Annoying he did it that way, a bit of a faux pas, but certainly not an earth shattering, marriage dissolving, deal breaking action on his part.
(In my opinion).

Iggly · 04/10/2021 17:45

@PlanDeRaccordement

Two cups of decaf coffee on one morning is not forcing a change in habit or depriving OP of her rights. It’s a “just try it once” attempt. Annoying he did it that way, a bit of a faux pas, but certainly not an earth shattering, marriage dissolving, deal breaking action on his part. (In my opinion).
A bit of a faux pas to be sneaky about it Hmm

Nope it’s the behaviour of a shrivelled cock

EdgeOfTheSky · 04/10/2021 17:50

How dare he!

I would have very strong words about respect, control and choice.

De-caff is rank! However did you not notice?

Lemonyfuckit · 04/10/2021 17:50

That would really piss me off too. It's patronising and controlling. Also it's fairly common knowledge that most people 'coming off' caffeine (Ie even a perfectly normal regular amount like your two cups of coffee a day) get a headache for a few days, so aside from feeling groggy during an import meeting it's lucky you didn't (I'm assuming not as you didn't mention it) also have a pounding headache for this important meeting too.

He really does owe you an apology.

I recently started drinking decaf coffee on holiday the past two weeks but that was entirely my decision and it was absolutely not because I felt like it was bad for me or I drank too much. It was simply for convenience as my DH doesn't drink caffeine (he has an illness which it exacerbates, not for any 'holier than thou reasons') and our Villa had a filter machine so more convenient to just make one type. Definitely helped doing this whilst relaxed on holiday and not having to wake up early or anything though.

lazylinguist · 04/10/2021 17:50

The OP says in a subsequent post: "Yes, he does have a general attitude of 'always knowing better' in other areas of life too." Sounds like this was one time too many, and a particularly egregious example, given the sneaky way he did it.

So is the OP unreasonable to be reconsidering how she feels about him? (Which is what she asked, not "AIBU to divorce him over a cup of decaf?") I'd say she's perfectly reasonable.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 17:57

@lazylinguist

The OP says in a subsequent post: "Yes, he does have a general attitude of 'always knowing better' in other areas of life too." Sounds like this was one time too many, and a particularly egregious example, given the sneaky way he did it.

So is the OP unreasonable to be reconsidering how she feels about him? (Which is what she asked, not "AIBU to divorce him over a cup of decaf?") I'd say she's perfectly reasonable.

Oh, yes OP is NBU, I voted that way. My remark is more directed towards the
  1. LTB brigade who are wildly exaggerating things and name calling obscenities. And
  2. The revenge brigade who are advising OP do something several levels nastier to get back at her DH and name calling obscenities

It’s almost like there is competitive outrage happening between posters. Interesting from a psycho-social point of view but not really helpful to the OP. Have you not seen some of the posts?

AlthoughTheyFlyByJumboJet · 04/10/2021 18:34

I can't imagine leaving my husband over something like this, but it wouldn't be okay if he did this, either.

He needs to accept that what he's done is wrong, and if he won't ever apologise or recognise his mistakes (and learn from them), that could very well be a deal-breaker.

Your coffee habit sounds perfectly normal to me, and I'm not even a coffee-drinker! How can he expect you to trust him when he sabotages you like this? If he wanted to replace your coffee with decaf (which to be clear would always be very annoying and disrespectful of your autonomy), the time to do that would've been on a low-stakes day, not when you have an important meeting that he knows about. Very stupid of him.

JustLyra · 04/10/2021 18:42

@PlanDeRaccordement

Two cups of decaf coffee on one morning is not forcing a change in habit or depriving OP of her rights. It’s a “just try it once” attempt. Annoying he did it that way, a bit of a faux pas, but certainly not an earth shattering, marriage dissolving, deal breaking action on his part. (In my opinion).
No, saying “why don’t you just try it once” is doing it in that way.

Doing it without her knowledge is absolutely attempting to force a habit change and being sneaky.

It’s worrying just how many people cannot see the bigger picture alongside the refusal to apologise and the always right attitude.

People would rightly be up in arms if he’d laced it with vodka having decided that two vodkas is the way to start the day - this is no different. It’s imposing his wishes on the OP without discussion, respect or consent.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 19:16

@JustLyra
It takes approximately thirty repetitions to break one habit and form another. Just like exercising one morning is not creating a habit of morning exercise, drinking decaf one morning is not starting a habit of decaf.

But then there is so much hyperbole on this thread, I am not at all surprised you are referring to such wild extrapolations as the “bigger picture”

JustLyra · 04/10/2021 19:28

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@JustLyra
It takes approximately thirty repetitions to break one habit and form another. Just like exercising one morning is not creating a habit of morning exercise, drinking decaf one morning is not starting a habit of decaf.

But then there is so much hyperbole on this thread, I am not at all surprised you are referring to such wild extrapolations as the “bigger picture”[/quote]
I'm not remotely surprised, having encountered you on other threads, that you are completely ignoring the bigger picture and think it's ok for someone to tamper with someone elses food or drink.

Normal people with manners and respect don't tamper with other people's food and drink.