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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH?

232 replies

FatJan · 04/10/2021 10:12

Every morning I have a cup of coffee before work and another as I'm logging on (I work from home). After both cups of coffee, I feel properly awake and ready for the day.

That's it by the way - I don't drink it after 10/11 as I don't fall asleep as well at night if I do.

My DH has recently discovered decaffeinated coffee/tea and has taken it upon himself to break my 'caffeine addiction'. He feels I should be able to wake up fully with some fresh air and exercise like he has (very recently) started doing.

I'm not particularly interested. I don't entirely disagree with him, and maybe I will have a morning walk now and then, but I have no desire to give up coffee. I have no heart related health problems and I don't drink an unhealthy amount. It gives me a boost and gets all the gears turning in the morning.

Last week I had an important morning meeting which I mentioned to DH. On the morning of the meeting, DH brought me a coffee up, which I thought was thoughtful. I got up, got ready and he brought a second cup to my office just before I started the meeting.

During the meeting, I found I was struggling to engage as well as usual. I was still able to do my job, but I was a bit groggy and it must have come across as someone asked if I was tired.

You've guessed it - he'd brought me decaf both times.

This, it transpires, was to 'prove' my 'caffeine addiction' was 'all in my head'.

I am annoyed. He thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I have a senior position in work (head of department), and need to be 'on' all the time to engage the team and deal with that day's challenges. Coffee is one of the ways I do that in the morning. It has nothing to do with him.

I feel entirely disrespected and I think he's an especial idiot for choosing the morning of what he knew was an important meeting to do his failed experiment.

I'm not interested in engaging with him today. He hasn't (and won't) apologise.

AIBU to genuinely reconsider how I feel about him over this or should I give it time and try and forget about it?

OP posts:
Cuddlyrottweiler · 04/10/2021 13:41

Caffeine takes around 6 hours to make an impact. Anything before that is all in your head
What a ridiculous bit of bullshit 😂

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/10/2021 13:43

So your DH has just demonstrated that he is not to be trusted.What a dick move on his part. I'd be so pissed off about him fucking up my meeting, and upset that I was married to a sanctimonious arse who thinks it's fine to treat me like a child. His decaf would be in the compost heap by now.

eightlivesdown · 04/10/2021 13:45

It's OK for him to look out for you and suggest more healthy options, but he should recognise that we're all different and what works for one person may not work for another, and two cups of morning coffee isn't excessive imo (he / others may disagree).

Switching your coffee when you had an important work meeting as an experiment isn't on; you're right to feel upset over this.

Maria1982 · 04/10/2021 13:49

Totally unreasonable of him!! I would be very angry. It is not his place to ‘manage’ your caffeine intake.
I wouldn’t dream of doing this to my OH! Even if I thought he drank too much coffee.
At most I would have one -1- conversation with him about considering cutting down on caffeine for health reasons (eg if he was drinking loads and then struggling to sleep).

What he has done is controlling and disrespectful and he would be getting an earful from me. I would expect an apology!

ChikiTIKI · 04/10/2021 13:49

I have a family member who does this with food. If someone doesn't like something, they will sneak it in to a recipe and then smugly announce after the person eats it, in front of everyone, that they've eaten this thing they don't like.

Pisses me right off. It's so rude!!! Me and my husband don't like nuts and they brought over a carrot cake (his fave). "oh you must try it, it's an Italian recipe..." I didn't try it but was highly suspicious and when I suggested we take it to a baby singing group to share all of a sudden they confessed it was absolutely riddled with nuts.

sadie9 · 04/10/2021 13:50

He sounds very controlling. The whole caffeine thing is irrelevant to the context of the situation.
He knew you wanted coffee. He purposely controlled the situation and used deceipt to make you accept his viewpoint.
He cannot bear that he isn't right or else he really struggles when loved ones show 'differences' to him. He wants everyone to be on his page or things don't feel comfortable for him.

godmum56 · 04/10/2021 13:52

@Poetnojo

Does he drink beer? I'd make it my business to go to the bar the next time you are out and pick him up some non alcoholic beer, see how he likes you making his decisions for him. Or if drinks at home I'd pour the non alcoholic stuff in a glass for him. Or maybe I'm just petty
nope. a taste of his own medicine!

I think myself its a teensy red flag, its pretty damn controlling.

godmum56 · 04/10/2021 13:54

@ChikiTIKI

I have a family member who does this with food. If someone doesn't like something, they will sneak it in to a recipe and then smugly announce after the person eats it, in front of everyone, that they've eaten this thing they don't like.

Pisses me right off. It's so rude!!! Me and my husband don't like nuts and they brought over a carrot cake (his fave). "oh you must try it, it's an Italian recipe..." I didn't try it but was highly suspicious and when I suggested we take it to a baby singing group to share all of a sudden they confessed it was absolutely riddled with nuts.

that's dangerous! I have no allergies but certain foods make me need to live in the loo. If someone tried to prove to me that it was all in my head I'd be fuming....I mean seriously it would be enough for me to never again trust the person and to say. I won't eat what you provide because I can't trust you.
billy1966 · 04/10/2021 13:58

YANBU.

How happy is your marriage considering how arrogant and disrespectful your husband is?

Such arrogance WOULD change how I felt.
Flowers

Daphnise · 04/10/2021 14:00

What he did was totally wrong.

On a slightly different note, I feel you have a rather strange attitude to coffee- the way you speak of it almost indicates addiction, and need.

But that's for you, and not anyone else to deal with- or not if you're totally happy with talking of coffee/caffeine as if it's a drug you need.

That might make DH try more of his unwanted "experiments".

Mrgrinch · 04/10/2021 14:01

God I'd hate to be in some of the relationships on this thread.

He swapped your coffee to decaff, he didn't dip your toothbrush in the toilet bowl FFS. If you rely so heavily on coffee that you were unable to perform properly at work then you probably need to address why you're so tired.

Thelnebriati · 04/10/2021 14:03

FatJan Is your DH getting into the whole 'clean eating' thing or is it just caffeine? Its often more about control than about 'clean' food.

Pr1mr0se · 04/10/2021 14:09

Be peeved that he chose that morning for his experiment yes but reconsider how you feel about him? That's a bit strong. Perhaps a conversation would help, maybe after you've had a proper cup of coffee you've made yourself so you have a clear head.

tickledtiger · 04/10/2021 14:12

@PlanDeRaccordement not similar enough to really compare though because doing a blind taste test for sugar has less annoying consequences. Unless it’s a lot of sugar I suppose. Maybe you’re right. Grin

pinkyredrose · 04/10/2021 14:14

25 years later, he's still very careful about mentioning parmesan cheese

Grin
JustLyra · 04/10/2021 14:17

Tampering with my food or drink would be a massive red flag and I’d consider ending a relationship.

Where does that end? Can he put anything he considers healthy in food or drinks without it being a problem? Switch in and out whatever he likes.

Not a chance.

And his refusal to apologise says a lot.

Are there any other potential red flags for him being coercive or abusive OP? I’d really think about that as that’s ridiculously controlling.

Bounce55 · 04/10/2021 14:20

Shit in his trainers....... won't be exercising for a bit after that will he

HappyDays101010 · 04/10/2021 14:21

My ex once gave me soup made with bovril to try and prove I don't know shit from sugar. Didn't work. What a twat.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/10/2021 14:31

It’s the timing, which is so offensive. Perhaps he will understand if you do something to him eg lace his coffee with Tabasco or liquid laxative.

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2021 14:31

But also, unfortunately, the experiment can't work if the person knows that the coffee has been switched.

Read up about consent in experiments and control groups. Everyone in an experiment knows they may get placebo (decaf) or real drug (caffeine).

If OP had been a willing participant then she could have agreed that he’d make her coffee for 2 weeks and on some days he’d switch it to decaf but she’d never know which days.

But she didn’t consent to be in his experiment.

Consent is just such a fundamental thing it’s not about

KaptainKaveman · 04/10/2021 14:38

@MadamMedea

He’s a sanctimonious cunt
Yep.
theemmadilemma · 04/10/2021 14:58

Sanctimonious fucking prick. I'd be fuming. Consent is right. He can ask if you'd like to swap, encourage, whatever. What he can not do is unilaterally make that decision for you.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 04/10/2021 14:58

Sanctimonious cunt is right. Who does he think he is?! He’s not your father, you’re not a child. He’s not your boss. He’s your partner in life and you’re absolutely his equal. I’d be livid.

Morporkia · 04/10/2021 15:01

So he knew this was an important work day and he still attempted to “prove” his ridiculous theory? Does he try to sabotage other areas of your life when he thinks he knows best? I would be seriously hacked off and be telling him to leave my caffeine intake the fuck alone

GabriellaMontez · 04/10/2021 15:01

He may think he's doing something kind.

Make it very clear to him that he's a controlling wanker.