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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH?

232 replies

FatJan · 04/10/2021 10:12

Every morning I have a cup of coffee before work and another as I'm logging on (I work from home). After both cups of coffee, I feel properly awake and ready for the day.

That's it by the way - I don't drink it after 10/11 as I don't fall asleep as well at night if I do.

My DH has recently discovered decaffeinated coffee/tea and has taken it upon himself to break my 'caffeine addiction'. He feels I should be able to wake up fully with some fresh air and exercise like he has (very recently) started doing.

I'm not particularly interested. I don't entirely disagree with him, and maybe I will have a morning walk now and then, but I have no desire to give up coffee. I have no heart related health problems and I don't drink an unhealthy amount. It gives me a boost and gets all the gears turning in the morning.

Last week I had an important morning meeting which I mentioned to DH. On the morning of the meeting, DH brought me a coffee up, which I thought was thoughtful. I got up, got ready and he brought a second cup to my office just before I started the meeting.

During the meeting, I found I was struggling to engage as well as usual. I was still able to do my job, but I was a bit groggy and it must have come across as someone asked if I was tired.

You've guessed it - he'd brought me decaf both times.

This, it transpires, was to 'prove' my 'caffeine addiction' was 'all in my head'.

I am annoyed. He thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I have a senior position in work (head of department), and need to be 'on' all the time to engage the team and deal with that day's challenges. Coffee is one of the ways I do that in the morning. It has nothing to do with him.

I feel entirely disrespected and I think he's an especial idiot for choosing the morning of what he knew was an important meeting to do his failed experiment.

I'm not interested in engaging with him today. He hasn't (and won't) apologise.

AIBU to genuinely reconsider how I feel about him over this or should I give it time and try and forget about it?

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 04/10/2021 10:36

That would really piss me off.

It’s controlling and manipulative.

Cryalot2 · 04/10/2021 10:36

I cannot drink coffee but need 2 mugs of black tea to make me feel human, so understand.
He is interferring and has seriously overstepped the mark. Your body your choice, he has no right .
Does he insist you do all he says and does he always have things his way?
How would he like it if you made him do what you are doing ? As you say you have a job which is higher level, you don't need this hassle. He is being very disrespectful and childish.

Shoxfordian · 04/10/2021 10:38

He sounds very controlling
Is he always such a knob?

bigbeatmanifesto · 04/10/2021 10:41

Yanbu to be pissed off not only is he being an arsehole by saying it's all in your head but he's being quite sneaky about it by thinking you wouldn't even notice.
Also cutting out caffeine completely when you've been having a steady intake for a while can give horrid headaches & thats the last thing you need when you WFH.

workshy44 · 04/10/2021 10:44

Its the timing of it that would bother me most of all, when he knew you had a very important meeting. It wasn't just any old day or the weekend for instance. It feels like he was almost trying to sabotage you somehow.

pinkyredrose · 04/10/2021 10:44

Haha sorry found the drama funny its a coffee if you were really into your normal coffee so much you would have tastes the difference and if you don't want decaffeinated make your own so much drama over nothing I drink alot of coffee also but would be able to taste the difference on the first mouthful

Depends what coffee, decent fresh decaf tastes pretty good.

Nietzschethehiker · 04/10/2021 10:46

Wow , just Wow. If DP or Exdh had ever pulled this there would be a mushroom cloud the size of Scotland over my house.

I'm also truly amazed to see any post even remotely agreeing with this.

This is entirely simple.

Noone has the right to give you food or drink with something in it that you have not consented to. Its that simple.

I'm sure someone will witter on about do you know every ingredient in your food, it's not the same.

It is beyond toxic to "experiment" on you. Genuinely I would be talking to him about how far he crossed the line with this. DP often brings me coffee in the morning , if he pulled something like this I would not longer trust any food or drink from him and that is not healthy with a partner.

IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel · 04/10/2021 10:48

I'm sorry - that first cup of coffee in the morning is sacred and not to be tampered with! Plus the caffeine withdrawal headache is one of the very worst ones going!
As others have said on the surface it doesn't sound that big of a deal but it's actually huge.
For a start, he picked a day on which he already knew you had the important meeting, to conduct his very silly experiment. He wanted to show you that your brilliance is not dependent on the 2cups but it could also be read as sabotage.
Only you know if he has controlling tendancies or is just a bit of a doofus and if his refusal to apologise is because he is stubborn and won't back down or because he can't or won't accept he has trampled all over your boundaries and hurt your feelings. Either way it's not good and would be serious enough for me to want to reflect on the relationship as a whole and where you go from this point on.
Certainly, an impartial 3rd party such as a therapist would be useful as a first step because he just doesn't seem to be able to (or doesn't want to) appreciate the underlying severity of what he did.

BlueSuffragette · 04/10/2021 10:48

He's out of order. Buy yourself a coffee machine for your home office. Make the point that you are able to make your own choices.

PlonkyWillyWonky · 04/10/2021 10:50

I would find that really controlling , as an adult i can make my own choices

LookItsMeAgain · 04/10/2021 10:51

Two can play at that science experiment!

My suggestion - get yourself a jar of your normal caffeine-full coffee. Take his decaf stuff out of his jar (pop it into a bowl temporarily) and then fill his 'decaf' jar with your coffee. He'll think he's giving you decaf coffee. He'll be happy. You'll be getting your caffeine-full coffee. You'll be happy.
Put his decaf coffee into a spare jar marked so you know what's in it and when he is so proud of his experiment, you can counter that with an experiment of your very own. Whether he could taste the caffeine in his coffee or not.
If he complains that he's buzzing from that coffee, suggest that you try a different brand or something because it might not be agreeing with him.
Science. It's what works Smile

pinkyredrose · 04/10/2021 10:52

Seconding getting him alcohol free beer without telling him.

VeganCheesePlease · 04/10/2021 10:52

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

Yeh it's not up to him to do that. I'd be fucked off too.

But I also would take this as a signal of how reliant you are on Caffeine and work to even reduce to one cup a day maybe.

She drinks two cups a day, she put it in the OP, she's not on ten cups a day for goodness sake. OP I'd be so pissed off. Not so much just about the coffee, but it's so condescending! Plenty of us need a coffee to get us going in the morning. It's not like you're snorting cocaine
MintyGreenDream · 04/10/2021 10:55

Just made myself a strong coffee in solidarity with you op

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/10/2021 10:55

I have to taper my caffeine intake down carefully or it trips me into migraines. If someone did that to me I would want to kill them once I could see and think again.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/10/2021 10:55

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

Yeh it's not up to him to do that. I'd be fucked off too.

But I also would take this as a signal of how reliant you are on Caffeine and work to even reduce to one cup a day maybe.

She has two cups of coffee a day. She's hardly racking up lines on her desk!
Severntrent · 04/10/2021 10:55

I couldn't get too worked up about this. I'd be annoyed on the day but then probably laugh and tell him not to do it again.
I can see I'm in the minority but that would be my response. Is he a decent guy overall who just did a daft thing?

Lavender24 · 04/10/2021 10:56

@Poetnojo

Does he drink beer? I'd make it my business to go to the bar the next time you are out and pick him up some non alcoholic beer, see how he likes you making his decisions for him. Or if drinks at home I'd pour the non alcoholic stuff in a glass for him. Or maybe I'm just petty
I like this idea.
Lavender24 · 04/10/2021 10:57

@Dddccc

Haha sorry found the drama funny its a coffee if you were really into your normal coffee so much you would have tastes the difference and if you don't want decaffeinated make your own so much drama over nothing I drink alot of coffee also but would be able to taste the difference on the first mouthful,
Decaf tastes the same doesn't it?
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/10/2021 10:57

He shouldn't have done that.
He tried to trick you - rude.
He's trying to tell you you have an addiction - you don't.
He's taken it upon himself to police your "addiction" - patronising schmuck.

Mermaidwaves · 04/10/2021 10:57

That's horribly controlling and very arrogant of him Two cups of tea/coffee is pretty standard during a work morning and you have the bloody right to choose that! Tell him if he does that again he will be wearing his decaffeinated coffee himself!

Fadingout · 04/10/2021 11:00

This is really rude. I could understand if you drank loads of coffee but two cups is nothing. I’d be really cross with him. You’re an adult.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/10/2021 11:01

What an ass, if anyone interfered with my 15 coffees a day everyone would die.
Go raw vegan and refuse to cook anything else because it's "better for him" see how he likes that!!

Tal45 · 04/10/2021 11:01

YABU because the only reason anyone would be completely reliant on coffee to be able to function fully is if they were addicted to it. If you are addicted to it then that is a problem IMO and if you're not addicted then you should be able to function without it.

It was wrong of your OH to experiment on you but I can understand him wanting to prove how ridiculous this is. Unless you were drinking coffee very young you managed for years and years without a morning coffee.

I would look at your sleeping/eating/drinking habits and work out how to change them so you are not groggy in the mornings rather than relying on coffee to sort you out.

AlternativePerspective · 04/10/2021 11:05

Meh.

It’s a cup of coffee.I’d probably be annoyed on the day but all the comments calling him controlling and abusive and name calling are a serious overreaction.