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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH?

232 replies

FatJan · 04/10/2021 10:12

Every morning I have a cup of coffee before work and another as I'm logging on (I work from home). After both cups of coffee, I feel properly awake and ready for the day.

That's it by the way - I don't drink it after 10/11 as I don't fall asleep as well at night if I do.

My DH has recently discovered decaffeinated coffee/tea and has taken it upon himself to break my 'caffeine addiction'. He feels I should be able to wake up fully with some fresh air and exercise like he has (very recently) started doing.

I'm not particularly interested. I don't entirely disagree with him, and maybe I will have a morning walk now and then, but I have no desire to give up coffee. I have no heart related health problems and I don't drink an unhealthy amount. It gives me a boost and gets all the gears turning in the morning.

Last week I had an important morning meeting which I mentioned to DH. On the morning of the meeting, DH brought me a coffee up, which I thought was thoughtful. I got up, got ready and he brought a second cup to my office just before I started the meeting.

During the meeting, I found I was struggling to engage as well as usual. I was still able to do my job, but I was a bit groggy and it must have come across as someone asked if I was tired.

You've guessed it - he'd brought me decaf both times.

This, it transpires, was to 'prove' my 'caffeine addiction' was 'all in my head'.

I am annoyed. He thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I have a senior position in work (head of department), and need to be 'on' all the time to engage the team and deal with that day's challenges. Coffee is one of the ways I do that in the morning. It has nothing to do with him.

I feel entirely disrespected and I think he's an especial idiot for choosing the morning of what he knew was an important meeting to do his failed experiment.

I'm not interested in engaging with him today. He hasn't (and won't) apologise.

AIBU to genuinely reconsider how I feel about him over this or should I give it time and try and forget about it?

OP posts:
Severntrent · 04/10/2021 15:08

Wow people are so angry about this. Yes its annoying but it was one cup of coffee - the discussion of consent sounds like people are equating it to some much more serious issue.

ChickPeaSalad · 04/10/2021 15:10

If you'd never actually discussed the caffeine topic and he had brought you a decaf because you had it kicking around I wouldn't see that as an issue. Lots of people drink coffee because they enjoy the taste/ritual without being affected by or bothered by the caffeine.

But the fact you've expressly discussed this, he knows that caffeine is so important to you, and he's tried to surreptitiously do this? I'd be beyond livid. It's not okay to mislead someone into putting something into their body that isn't what they think it is, it just isn't. It's patronising, and a violation.

I would be extremely angry about this and what it says about his perception of me.

I will admit as a coffee drinker it seems quite odd to me that you need those two cups that badly so as to be really affected if you don't have them, you'd think if you were used to caffeine having it daily that your body wouldn't much respond to it, I wouldn't even expect withdrawals on such a small amount. But maybe you're just hypersensitive to it. Either way he's a knob.

2Two · 04/10/2021 15:10

Out of curiosity, has he accepted that his little experiment proved that he was wrong?

UniversalDramatic · 04/10/2021 15:12

Has he accepted the results of his experiment?
I would be really annoyed

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 15:12

@Severntrent
Yes, I agree. It was an annoying, but harmless experiment. I’d be a bit peeved about it, but the outrage on here is very OTT.

Congressdingo · 04/10/2021 15:13

@FatAnneTheDealer

I didn’t vote. You are not being unreasonable to be seriously pissed off, and to ensure it doesn’t happen again (don’t accept his Trojan Horse coffee any more), but I think it would be unreasonable to rethink your relationship over such a trivial matter. If you seriously are rethinking then I expect there is a lot more wrong than a couple of cups of (secretly) decaf coffee. It was naughty, but hardly a betrayal of trust or an example of coercive control.
So very curious what you thing coercive control in fact looks like. If this isnt the definition of it, what would you define it as?
ChickPeaSalad · 04/10/2021 15:14

@Severntrent

Wow people are so angry about this. Yes its annoying but it was one cup of coffee - the discussion of consent sounds like people are equating it to some much more serious issue.
The very fact this is something that violates her consent is what makes it a serious issue. It doesn't matter that it's about caffeine.

If her DH brought her alcohol free wine when she expected alcoholic wine, if he brought her alcoholic beer when she'd asked for a non alcoholic one, if he'd cooked her a dish he stated contained beef but was secretly vegetarian, if he'd fed her beef bolognese when she was vegan, if he'd used soy milk in her coffee when he knew she only drank cow's milk, all of these are violations of her consent and done sneakily for his own gain and say very sinister things about his character and how he perceives his wife.

Consent isn't just about issues like sexual activity and physical touch, and those areas aren't the only times it's important. Consent and respecting consent are fundamental elements of a caring, trusting, loving relationship.

OP isn't some little science experiment for DH to decide to experiment on because he's interested or trying to prove a point. He didn't have to make a coffee for her. He chose to do so, with pre planning, in a way he knew she'd be unhappy with, to try and prove a point. Of course people are angry.

HoppingPavlova · 04/10/2021 15:21

That’s weird, fucked up and controlling. I’d be livid.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 15:29

@Congressdingo

Coercive control definition
“Coercive control is a pattern of psychological and emotional behaviours (i.e. intimidation, humiliation, threats, etc.) that enforces the perpetrator's rules on a victim through varying levels of abuse and degrees of severity. The tactics are intended to create a state of fear and subordination (especially in the victims of domestic violence ...”

The OPs situation doesn’t even come close to coercive control.

Balonzette · 04/10/2021 15:31

If someone switched my coffee for caffeine free I'd... I don't even know. I can't even think of something bad enough!

EmKayEm · 04/10/2021 15:33

"Caffeine takes around 6 hours to make an impact. Anything before that is all in your head"

Another armchair pharmacist...who knows nothing...

FatBettyintheCoop · 04/10/2021 15:34

He’s an arrogant prick.

I’d piss in his water bottle and later tell him you’d read it was healthy to drink your own urine.

HalzTangz · 04/10/2021 15:36

Are you sure you aren't convincing yourself coffee keeps you alert

I'm like you two coffees before work, then water the rest of the day.

Sometime I have tea instead of coffee, and sometimes I just have water.

I can't say I've ever noticed myself less attentive on the days I don't have coffee.

Your husband is right though, exercise and fresh air is better. May consider a short walk just before you log on with decaffeinated to see if that works.

Are you being unreasonable, yes you are. Not having coffee didn't result in you having to cancel the meeting. If someone commented about tiredness it's more likely because you looked tired. I don't know many people who would say are you tired because you hadn't had coffee.

But, if you don't like caffeinated then you aren't being unreasonable to expect your husband to make your preferred drink

Owlink · 04/10/2021 15:47

What an absolute tosser! He really thinks he knows best & has a right to impose his rules on you. I'd be fuming too. I would be rethinking everything, I think, if he can't see what he's done & how disrespectful it is. He treated you like a child or a pet cat. She won't notice if it's not Sheba, I'll give her Felix instead.

lazylinguist · 04/10/2021 15:56

He's a twat. And I say that as someone who only ever drinks decaf. Maybe you should decide to improve things about his habits 'for his benefit' and without his permission, OP... Put no salt in his food, only buy him vegetarian sausages etc if he's a meat-eater, take away his car keys so that he has to walk to work because it's better for him?

Flickeringgreenlight · 04/10/2021 15:59

You have every right to be pissed off, OP. I am not sure how long it would take me to get passed this, given he won't apologise and realise how and why he was in the wrong. You are an adult, you can decide for yourself what kind of coffee you want to drink. On a bigger scale, this is disrespectful and controlling. Kind of him to offer alternative views and share his experience but it is up to you and you only to make a change. If you want! (By the way, nothing wrong with your caffein intake by my standards, I'm exactly the same). I have ditched friends like him...not sure I'd tolerate qualities like this in a husband. 😑

Flobbertybillop · 04/10/2021 16:05

@Mrgrinch it’s not about the fucking coffee. It’s arrogeant and controlling.
It’s dismissing her right to choose, and know better.
It’s about consent and boundaries.
It’s a bigger issue than a drink.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 04/10/2021 16:13

Your DH was a huge twat and owes you a serious apology. He is not your mum or your dad or the boss of you. Wanker.

starfishmummy · 04/10/2021 16:14

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

I have to taper my caffeine intake down carefully or it trips me into migraines. If someone did that to me I would want to kill them once I could see and think again.
I was lucky and didn't have the withdrawal headaches. However if I now treat myself to just a cup of regular it makes me hyper and I dont sleep.
lovemelongtime · 04/10/2021 16:16

He's been a bit of a controlling dick but I honestly don't think it is worth still being angry over. Move on I think.

Myonlysunshine123 · 04/10/2021 16:26

Oh god I once went all day without a cup of tea at work, because it was too hot and I was short staffed, I felt absolutely awful, my head was pounding. Didn't realise how much I needed it. He shouldn't have cut you off like that,.its not his choice. I also like two brews before I'm functioning!

TedImgoingmad · 04/10/2021 16:27

YANBU. It's one of those death by a thousand cuts situations. Of and in itself annoying - food mansplaining is a good description used by a previous poster. However, it's not the coffee deception in isolation that's at stake.

High pressure, high responsibility, especially city/corporate jobs, where you have to be 100% on top of your game are just that. You can have a thousand days of being on top form. You can have one day when you weren't quite on it, and that's what some people will remember and use to form negative assumptions about your abilities. You can have a single meeting, client call etc that can be career defining: if you either win or lose the work, retain or piss off the client, perform so well that they are singing your praises to the industry press or thinking they need someone more engaged and looking elsewhere. It does happen. I know it might sound like an exaggeration to some, but it does. And, if OP's a woman in a male dominated industry/company/firm, she's probably always having to prove she's on top form.

A single cup of coffee sounds so trivial, but it can be so significant in context. OP's "on her game" ritual - which may or may not be dependency, but that's not for anyone else to judge - is her 2 cups of caffeine coffee. Her H did not give a thought to any wider implications for her physical reaction should it be negative and how this would effect her job performance, only his need to be right and to dominate her.

If there's a pattern of such "trivial" incidents. Well, that's red flags ahoy. If you are not the sort of person who likes having your autonomy removed, then yes, I imagine that coffee stunt could be the final straw.

Oldtiredfedup · 04/10/2021 16:33

Where else does he show his contempt for your autonomy and consent?

Lotusmonster · 04/10/2021 16:39

It is quite patronising.

butterpuffed · 04/10/2021 16:42

Only in MM do posters get so worked up . I think many of you will have high blood pressure and it won't be from the caffeine.