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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH?

232 replies

FatJan · 04/10/2021 10:12

Every morning I have a cup of coffee before work and another as I'm logging on (I work from home). After both cups of coffee, I feel properly awake and ready for the day.

That's it by the way - I don't drink it after 10/11 as I don't fall asleep as well at night if I do.

My DH has recently discovered decaffeinated coffee/tea and has taken it upon himself to break my 'caffeine addiction'. He feels I should be able to wake up fully with some fresh air and exercise like he has (very recently) started doing.

I'm not particularly interested. I don't entirely disagree with him, and maybe I will have a morning walk now and then, but I have no desire to give up coffee. I have no heart related health problems and I don't drink an unhealthy amount. It gives me a boost and gets all the gears turning in the morning.

Last week I had an important morning meeting which I mentioned to DH. On the morning of the meeting, DH brought me a coffee up, which I thought was thoughtful. I got up, got ready and he brought a second cup to my office just before I started the meeting.

During the meeting, I found I was struggling to engage as well as usual. I was still able to do my job, but I was a bit groggy and it must have come across as someone asked if I was tired.

You've guessed it - he'd brought me decaf both times.

This, it transpires, was to 'prove' my 'caffeine addiction' was 'all in my head'.

I am annoyed. He thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I have a senior position in work (head of department), and need to be 'on' all the time to engage the team and deal with that day's challenges. Coffee is one of the ways I do that in the morning. It has nothing to do with him.

I feel entirely disrespected and I think he's an especial idiot for choosing the morning of what he knew was an important meeting to do his failed experiment.

I'm not interested in engaging with him today. He hasn't (and won't) apologise.

AIBU to genuinely reconsider how I feel about him over this or should I give it time and try and forget about it?

OP posts:
LaMontser · 04/10/2021 12:52

Next time he is in the shower turn the thermostat right down. When he gives off about it tell him that you’ve been experimenting with ice cold showers and have decided he should too.

Similarly next time you cook him a meal put a single raw potato and turnip on his plate and tell him you’ve been experimenting with Celtic food prep and he should def try it. Obvs you have something else because you’ve had your Celtic food earlier in the day.

Ditto to disconnecting the washing machine when he wants to use it because you’ve been told that hand washing is much better all round.

Buy him a mangle and hide the iron.

Let your imagination run riot until he gets the point that you’re an adult and he should get to fuck.

gindreams · 04/10/2021 12:52

@Obbydoo but that isn't true

Have you just made that up ?

knittingaddict · 04/10/2021 12:53

@Obbydoo

Your husband is obviously unreasonable for controlling what you drink but the lack of caffeine was not to blame for you being tired. Caffeine takes around 6 hours to make an impact. Anything before that is all in your head.
Wrong. It's about 45 minutes to reach full impact. The caffeine level in your body halves every 6 hours.
NamechangeApril21 · 04/10/2021 12:53

2 cups of coffee is hardly a caffeine addiction! Plus there's been research into the health benefits of 2-3 cups, especially in relation to Alzheimers and dementia.

chaos76 · 04/10/2021 12:56

@BrendaBubbles

Did he discover decaf coffee as a way of changing his own intake? If so I would teach him a lesson by switching it out for caffeinated.
This all the way
knittingaddict · 04/10/2021 12:56

If anything this thread has made me reconsider the decaff tea and coffee and go back to the real deal. Stuff the acid reflux.

DeepDown12 · 04/10/2021 12:58

For me, it doesn't really matter if this affected you and how (it does, but it is kind of secondary - aggravating circumstances, if you want) - it is all about crossing the boundary. If my DH did this, there wouldn't be a hole small enough for him to hide. I'd truly go ballistic and reconsider our marriage because for me this would be about respect.

He spoke to you. Expressed his opinion, asked that you change your routine - all fine. You said No as was your right. Him bringing you that drink without you being aware of the switch is his conscious decision to go against your explicit No. That, in my book is a major violation of trust and boundaries.

TinnedPotatoesRock · 04/10/2021 13:00

@starfish4

Did you notice the difference?
OP said in her first post how she could tell the difference during her meetings etc. You can't always taste the difference between decaf and caffeinated - I know I can't
Feedingthebirds1 · 04/10/2021 13:02

Just sharing my truth ❤️

Oprah will be wanting an interview with you soon.

My DH has recently discovered decaffeinated coffee/tea and has taken it upon himself to break my 'caffeine addiction'. He feels I should be able to wake up fully with some fresh air and exercise like he has (very recently) started doing.

Ah the zeal of the convert. It doesn't matter whether it's coffee or anything else, he does not have the right to remove your autonomy. I'd be losing my shit and I hope you have.

Don't leave it and hope you forget about it. That tells him he can do similar again. Let rip.

PurplePansy05 · 04/10/2021 13:06

I'm sure there are plenty of worse things that could happen, but my morning coffees are sacred too. I would not be impressed. It's not for him to decide things for you either. Besides, I'm sure I read a report on Sky News very recently regarding new research showing coffee is actually beneficial in preventing heart disease, stroke etc. Stress is your real enemy, not coffee.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/10/2021 13:07

Caffeine takes around 6 hours to make an impact. Anything before that is all in your head.

Made up fact alert!

As others have said, 10 - 45 minutes for caffeine to start and peak.

Why do you think the MoT suggest a quick break, cold air and a cup of coffee if you feel a bit tired on a motorway?

Why make up such easily disproven 'facts' ?

That and the hyperbole - over dependence? What is that? You are either dependent or not.

@FatJan if you want 2 cups of coffee a day and your drink them both before midday(ish) then you are fine. The caffeine won't affect your sleep, or evening wind down and you are slap bang in the 'good' zone

People who drink more than three cups of coffee a day had similar measures of arterial stiffness as those drinking one cup or less, a study part-funded by the BHF has found.

Then again 25 cups a day???

www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/news/behind-the-headlines/25-cups-of-coffee

Chipsinthewoods · 04/10/2021 13:09

My dad did this to my mum with a root vegetable she hates, he didn’t believe her, minced it really small to prove she wouldn’t notice and ruined a nice casserole because it was inedible to her and too small to pick out. It’s like the food version of mansplaining.

Phrowzunn · 04/10/2021 13:10

I always think it really odd that people need caffeine to function properly (and then alcohol to wind down again) and never partake myself, in spite of being told approximately ten thousand times how much it would help me in raising two young children, HOWEVER my DH is one of those who just cannot possibly survive without it and although I find it really, really weird that he has this crutch (that I seem to manage without in spite of getting significantly less sleep than him) I would never sneakily switch out his caffeine, that’s such a dick move, especially on an important day.
Out of interest, how did ‘the reveal’ come about? Does he think that he won and that you’re only saying you noticed a difference now after that fact? Or did you say to him that you had felt really tired first and he admitted it?

Iggly · 04/10/2021 13:12

@Phrowzunn

I always think it really odd that people need caffeine to function properly (and then alcohol to wind down again) and never partake myself, in spite of being told approximately ten thousand times how much it would help me in raising two young children, HOWEVER my DH is one of those who just cannot possibly survive without it and although I find it really, really weird that he has this crutch (that I seem to manage without in spite of getting significantly less sleep than him) I would never sneakily switch out his caffeine, that’s such a dick move, especially on an important day. Out of interest, how did ‘the reveal’ come about? Does he think that he won and that you’re only saying you noticed a difference now after that fact? Or did you say to him that you had felt really tired first and he admitted it?
That is besides the point! It’s not for the DH to judge.
Sidehustle99 · 04/10/2021 13:13

How very tedious Sad

FatAnneTheDealer · 04/10/2021 13:17

I didn’t vote. You are not being unreasonable to be seriously pissed off, and to ensure it doesn’t happen again (don’t accept his Trojan Horse coffee any more), but I think it would be unreasonable to rethink your relationship over such a trivial matter. If you seriously are rethinking then I expect there is a lot more wrong than a couple of cups of (secretly) decaf coffee. It was naughty, but hardly a betrayal of trust or an example of coercive control.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 04/10/2021 13:18

I voted YANBU and I’m fully decaffeinated! Two cups a day isn’t an addiction or in any way harmful. He’s a jerk with a dangerous attitude.

Keladrythesaviour · 04/10/2021 13:20

@Severntrent

I couldn't get too worked up about this. I'd be annoyed on the day but then probably laugh and tell him not to do it again. I can see I'm in the minority but that would be my response. Is he a decent guy overall who just did a daft thing?
Meh I'm with you on this. But then we're a fully decaf household and just offer "tea or coffee" to guests. We don't specify that it's decaf generally (though most friends and family are aware now we've been caffeine free for over two years). It was a stupid thing for him to do, and a bit annoying. But he's not spiked your drink with LSD in a micro dosing experiment. I'd be annoyed, then move on. Make your own coffee in future. And I'd cut out the caffeine, it might change your life - it did ours!
NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/10/2021 13:27

My DP wouldn't dream of fucking around like that. You have to be able to trust what you're being given in terms of food, drink and medication/other substances that act on your brain and body.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 04/10/2021 13:28

You could be drinking 20 cups a day, not his business to secretly switch you. If you did have a caffeine addiction then him secretly cutting you off wouldn't be any good for you anyway.
DH used to have a coffee like every 30 minutes when he worked in the office, he was really quite ill when he started working from home and went to one or two a day.

GreyGoose1980 · 04/10/2021 13:29

On the surface it seems a small thing. However it is quite controlling. I think the worst thing is his refusal to apologise even though you have explained it has upset you. Is this an issue in your relationship in general?

forrestgreen · 04/10/2021 13:29

It's a shame it takes him trying to prove a point to make you coffees.

Autumnscene · 04/10/2021 13:39

I read in several articles that the chemicals they use to take the caffeine out of coffee is more harmful than leaving the coffee with caffeine in it.

Has your controlling ‘know it all’ husband read this too ?

Definitely get your own coffee maker installed in your work space.

I’d be furious.

Rangoon · 04/10/2021 13:40

I know hair is essentially inert stuff once it's grown out of the root and I know there is no seemingly rational explanation but I swear any time I drink decaffinated coffee my hair goes frizzy. After a long break, I convinced myself it must just have been my imagination and tried decaffinated coffee again for a day. This was proper water decaffinated coffee. The next morning my flatmate who knew nothing about the coffee or the hair met me in the kitchen and the first things she said, "What the h-ll have you done to your hair?" I have drunk the real stuff ever since on the basis that it's healthier.

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