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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious with DH?

232 replies

FatJan · 04/10/2021 10:12

Every morning I have a cup of coffee before work and another as I'm logging on (I work from home). After both cups of coffee, I feel properly awake and ready for the day.

That's it by the way - I don't drink it after 10/11 as I don't fall asleep as well at night if I do.

My DH has recently discovered decaffeinated coffee/tea and has taken it upon himself to break my 'caffeine addiction'. He feels I should be able to wake up fully with some fresh air and exercise like he has (very recently) started doing.

I'm not particularly interested. I don't entirely disagree with him, and maybe I will have a morning walk now and then, but I have no desire to give up coffee. I have no heart related health problems and I don't drink an unhealthy amount. It gives me a boost and gets all the gears turning in the morning.

Last week I had an important morning meeting which I mentioned to DH. On the morning of the meeting, DH brought me a coffee up, which I thought was thoughtful. I got up, got ready and he brought a second cup to my office just before I started the meeting.

During the meeting, I found I was struggling to engage as well as usual. I was still able to do my job, but I was a bit groggy and it must have come across as someone asked if I was tired.

You've guessed it - he'd brought me decaf both times.

This, it transpires, was to 'prove' my 'caffeine addiction' was 'all in my head'.

I am annoyed. He thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I have a senior position in work (head of department), and need to be 'on' all the time to engage the team and deal with that day's challenges. Coffee is one of the ways I do that in the morning. It has nothing to do with him.

I feel entirely disrespected and I think he's an especial idiot for choosing the morning of what he knew was an important meeting to do his failed experiment.

I'm not interested in engaging with him today. He hasn't (and won't) apologise.

AIBU to genuinely reconsider how I feel about him over this or should I give it time and try and forget about it?

OP posts:

grapewine · 04/10/2021 12:03

Just sharing my truth ❤️

Right then

Regularsizedrudy · 04/10/2021 12:03

I would slip him some laxatives and tell him you were only trying to help because you thought he wasn’t regular enough.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/10/2021 12:05

I can understand why you are upset. As tempting as it is to be petty back I’d just make your own food/drink and nothing for him. I’d also not facilitate his lifestyle eg if he’s going out in the morning for his exercise leaving you to deal with kids i’d embrace suggestion and go out (even if you just sit in car drinking coffee)

starfish4 · 04/10/2021 12:10

Did you notice the difference?

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 04/10/2021 12:10

I'm actually laughing at the sanctimonious 'sharing my truth' people on this thread calling the op an addict for having two coffees a day 😂😂

Its in line with the people who gasp in horror when an op says they have 2 glasses of wine a week, or start on about their greedy and gluttonous husbands having 2 slices of pizza and a MASSIVE salad and still being hungry.

You're not an addict op, not by any stretch of the imagination.

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 04/10/2021 12:10

Not on

pommedeterre · 04/10/2021 12:12

Wow. He needs to give his head a wobble. What a twat.

LaetitiaASD · 04/10/2021 12:17

@NoSquirrels

I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with his experiment, so long as he accepts that his experiment failed and doesn’t try it again.

People involved in experiments know they are involved in them. It’s a consent issue.

But also, unfortunately, the experiment can't work if the person knows that the coffee has been switched.

If he'd done it one Sunday when they were planning on a lazy day at home then I'd have much less of an issue.

If he'd switch out her nightly 1 litre of vodka for something less likely to lead to an early death I'd have less of an issue.

But FFS a cup or two of coffee is one of life's pleasures, not some dangerous vice.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 12:18

YANBU to be annoyed by this, but I would not be upset over a harmless thing like swapping decaf coffee for caffeinated coffee. In fact I did a similar blind taste test to my DH only swapping stevia for sugar, and I was right he couldn’t tell difference. Besides, the experiment proved you were right about the benefits of caffeine for you, so he’s learned he was wrong.

SummersOverSeasideTown · 04/10/2021 12:19

If he'd switch out her nightly 1 litre of vodka for something less likely to lead to an early death I'd have less of an issue.

See, I'd still have the same issue. I am not owned or controlled by my husband. If I wanted to drink a litre of vodka that is my choice. He can choose not to be with me but I don't think he should be swapping it for water. If you are overweight should he be swapping all your meals for vegetables?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/10/2021 12:21

This is really not on! Very controlling and patronising of him.

It’s up to you what you drink in the mornings, not him. How dare he try to control and manipulate you in changing, and how dare he experiment on you?

Add to that the fact it actually had an impact on your meeting and

nettie434 · 04/10/2021 12:22

What a horrible thing to do. The idea that he could prove you were addicted to caffeine in one instance is completely ridiculous. Did he 'control' any other factors that could have affected how you felt, like how well you slept the night before? He had no control over the meeting either - like if it was going to be covering particularly complicated topics or not.

If the OP has problems sleeping, has headaches and is shaky then maybe she needs to reduce her caffeine addiction. Taking pleasure in the routine of two cups of coffee doesn't need to be controlled. Does he even realise that people who drink several cans of coke or pepsi each day can consume more caffeine than someone who drinks two cups of coffee?

I would be so upset and would find it controlling.

tiredvommachine · 04/10/2021 12:24

I sat in on a webinar for polycystic kidney disease hosted by a consultant nephrologist who said that coffee in moderation is good for the liver so your DH can get stuffed 🖕

1forAll74 · 04/10/2021 12:25

I don't know why this should be of any issue in a marriage, surely you can make your own kind of coffee, without a partner intervening. Some people have all sorts of ideas of what people should eat or drink, but you just have to ignore others ideas, and not have to debate these minor irritations that come your way.

tickledtiger · 04/10/2021 12:26

@PlanDeRaccordement

Not the same thing.

gamerchick · 04/10/2021 12:27

I don't drink coffee but I want to snarl at him on your behalf OP. What a doily.

Sunshine1066 · 04/10/2021 12:29

YANBU. A friend did this to me a few years ago to "prove" I could cope without caffeine. I was really upset, not because I was sluggish (it was the weekend, so didn't matter, albeit it's extremely unpleasant to feel sluggish and not be enjoying a weekend away), but being experimented on unwittingly was a breach of trust and made me feel differently about the person who'd done it.

I wouldn't tamper with someone's food or drink in any other situation, eg serve meat to a veggie, so why do it here. It's absolutely none of his business what you choose to eat or drink (usual caveats about excesses eg alcoholism etc., but that doesn't apply here).

LaRobeRouge · 04/10/2021 12:30

Just sharing my truth ❤️
😂😂😂😂

diddl · 04/10/2021 12:30

@knittingaddict

To all those tutting over the "addiction" to coffee, so what? There are some quite major health benefits to moderate coffee drinking including some protection from type 2 diabetes, it contains antioxidants, has been shown to protect against some other diseases, and it lifts your mood. What's not to like?

The taste?

I'm shocked that 2 a day is enough caffeine to notice when you don't have it.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 12:35

@tickledtiger
Not the same thing, no, but very similar. Similar doesn’t mean “the same”

mbosnz · 04/10/2021 12:37

I'd be very angry. You are a grown arsed woman, you get to police your own intake, not to be patronised and deceived by the Big I Am, who of course, knows better what the little woman oughta gotta do.

My husband found this out to his cost when knowing how much I hated parmesan cheese, made a dish with parmesan cheese, thinking I wouldn't notice. I did. I made very sure he knew I did. 25 years later, he's still very careful about mentioning parmesan cheese, let alone using it. . .

daisyjgrey · 04/10/2021 12:40

He is being a prick.

You also probably shouldn't be relying on caffeine to function, but it's not up to him to put that in place.

Obbydoo · 04/10/2021 12:43

Your husband is obviously unreasonable for controlling what you drink but the lack of caffeine was not to blame for you being tired. Caffeine takes around 6 hours to make an impact. Anything before that is all in your head.

knittingaddict · 04/10/2021 12:45

The taste?

Of course. I thought that went without saying.

knittingaddict · 04/10/2021 12:49

Ah I misunderstood. You mean you don't like the taste of coffee diddl.

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