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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH?

232 replies

FatJan · 04/10/2021 10:12

Every morning I have a cup of coffee before work and another as I'm logging on (I work from home). After both cups of coffee, I feel properly awake and ready for the day.

That's it by the way - I don't drink it after 10/11 as I don't fall asleep as well at night if I do.

My DH has recently discovered decaffeinated coffee/tea and has taken it upon himself to break my 'caffeine addiction'. He feels I should be able to wake up fully with some fresh air and exercise like he has (very recently) started doing.

I'm not particularly interested. I don't entirely disagree with him, and maybe I will have a morning walk now and then, but I have no desire to give up coffee. I have no heart related health problems and I don't drink an unhealthy amount. It gives me a boost and gets all the gears turning in the morning.

Last week I had an important morning meeting which I mentioned to DH. On the morning of the meeting, DH brought me a coffee up, which I thought was thoughtful. I got up, got ready and he brought a second cup to my office just before I started the meeting.

During the meeting, I found I was struggling to engage as well as usual. I was still able to do my job, but I was a bit groggy and it must have come across as someone asked if I was tired.

You've guessed it - he'd brought me decaf both times.

This, it transpires, was to 'prove' my 'caffeine addiction' was 'all in my head'.

I am annoyed. He thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I have a senior position in work (head of department), and need to be 'on' all the time to engage the team and deal with that day's challenges. Coffee is one of the ways I do that in the morning. It has nothing to do with him.

I feel entirely disrespected and I think he's an especial idiot for choosing the morning of what he knew was an important meeting to do his failed experiment.

I'm not interested in engaging with him today. He hasn't (and won't) apologise.

AIBU to genuinely reconsider how I feel about him over this or should I give it time and try and forget about it?

OP posts:
Suitcaseseverywhere · 04/10/2021 10:16

That would seriously piss me off

Chewieboora · 04/10/2021 10:16

What a nasty prick. I'd reconsider my feelings. On the surface, doesn't seem much,but I assume this is symptomatic of his general treatment of you? You're not a child, if he was worried about your caffiene intake he should have talked to you.

Shmithecat2 · 04/10/2021 10:18

YANBU. What an arrogant prick!

MadamMedea · 04/10/2021 10:18

He’s a sanctimonious cunt

BrendaBubbles · 04/10/2021 10:19

Did he discover decaf coffee as a way of changing his own intake? If so I would teach him a lesson by switching it out for caffeinated.

LittleOwl153 · 04/10/2021 10:20

This kind of crap really pisses me off. My SIL keeps trying to keep me vegan crap without telling me to prove some kind of point. I'm not against the vegan idea and certainly eat meat free alot. But I feel that I am entitled to know exactly what I am eating and not be lied to.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 04/10/2021 10:21

He can make his own choices for himself, he doesn't get to make yours because he thinks he knows best. The sheer arrogance of the man.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 04/10/2021 10:22

Yeh it's not up to him to do that. I'd be fucked off too.

But I also would take this as a signal of how reliant you are on Caffeine and work to even reduce to one cup a day maybe.

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2021 10:22

YANBU to be lividly pissed off with him.
YANBU to require an apology.

Whether it changes your whole opinion of him is different- he’s your husband, you must know his bad character traits as well as his good ones? You’re very sure he won’t apologise and that’s the biggest issue to me.

Aprilx · 04/10/2021 10:23

I would be annoyed if DH decided to break one of my habits if I had not myself shown that I had any interest in breaking. And two coffees in the morning is not a crime so that doesn’t justify it either.

Though I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with his experiment, so long as he accepts that his experiment failed and doesn’t try it again.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 04/10/2021 10:24

I would be installing the biggest coffee maker I could fit in my wfh workspace...

MagnoliaBeige · 04/10/2021 10:24

Urgh, I’d be fuming, it’s not his responsibility to “fix” you!

Theunamedcat · 04/10/2021 10:26

You cannot just yank someone off caffeine you get withdrawal symptoms its fucking awful I've done it I felt like my head was full of cotton and it was pounding ffs

Upsielazy · 04/10/2021 10:26

It seems really controlling and odd to be honest. If you were drinking 50 cups a day then I can see why he would be keen to intervene for your health, but 2 cups a day is fine. You're an adult and you you decide if you want decaff or not, very strange behaviour from him, I'd also be annoyed.

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2021 10:26

That this happened last week and you’re still annoyed means the lack of apology thing needs to be addressed.

It’s not about the caffeine. It’s about his “I know best” attitude to giving you something you’d expressly said you weren’t interested in.

If he’d served you caffeine (or alcohol?) when you said you didn’t drink it, would that be OK?

Or does he just get to be controlling when he “approves” of the choice?

Ownerofmultiplechimps · 04/10/2021 10:27

I think you’re entirely justified in your feelings, I’d be furious in your position. How dare he try to force his choices on to you & tricking you to prove a point just because he thinks his way is better. Your body, your choice, tell him to go fuck himself (when you want to engage obviously).

PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2021 10:27

He’s been an arse. You’re not a child. It’s your decision what you drink in the morning.

seaandsandcastles · 04/10/2021 10:28

It’s not up to him to choose your drink for you; if you want normal coffee that’s not his decision to override.

However, I do think there’s something wrong if you have to rely on a coffee to not feel groggy and fire on all cylinders.

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2021 10:28

I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with his experiment, so long as he accepts that his experiment failed and doesn’t try it again.

People involved in experiments know they are involved in them. It’s a consent issue.

Vickles20 · 04/10/2021 10:28

Tell him to stop being a dick. Tell him his ‘test/experiment’ back fired and you’re pissed off. Give him the chance to apologise. Jeez. He’ll get the message and will drop it.

PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2021 10:28

@Aprilx

I would be annoyed if DH decided to break one of my habits if I had not myself shown that I had any interest in breaking. And two coffees in the morning is not a crime so that doesn’t justify it either.

Though I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with his experiment, so long as he accepts that his experiment failed and doesn’t try it again.

What gives him the right to experiment on his wife?
pinkyredrose · 04/10/2021 10:29

He's a patronising cunt. Does he usually think he knows best?

Poetnojo · 04/10/2021 10:33

Does he drink beer? I'd make it my business to go to the bar the next time you are out and pick him up some non alcoholic beer, see how he likes you making his decisions for him. Or if drinks at home I'd pour the non alcoholic stuff in a glass for him.
Or maybe I'm just petty

IcedCoffeeAlways · 04/10/2021 10:34

I’d be fuming too OP! How bloody annoying! Sounds like when my OH made the “life changing” discovery of drinking apple cider vinegar in the mornings which made him feel “AMAZING” and he wouldn’t stop bloody harping on at me to do the same 🙄 if hed given it to me without me knowing as an ‘experiment’ then I’d have been raging!

I’d be buying a beautiful big shiny coffee machine for myself as a treat to prove your point - that you enjoy your very reasonable amount of morning coffee 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dddccc · 04/10/2021 10:35

Haha sorry found the drama funny its a coffee if you were really into your normal coffee so much you would have tastes the difference and if you don't want decaffeinated make your own so much drama over nothing I drink alot of coffee also but would be able to taste the difference on the first mouthful,