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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH?

232 replies

FatJan · 04/10/2021 10:12

Every morning I have a cup of coffee before work and another as I'm logging on (I work from home). After both cups of coffee, I feel properly awake and ready for the day.

That's it by the way - I don't drink it after 10/11 as I don't fall asleep as well at night if I do.

My DH has recently discovered decaffeinated coffee/tea and has taken it upon himself to break my 'caffeine addiction'. He feels I should be able to wake up fully with some fresh air and exercise like he has (very recently) started doing.

I'm not particularly interested. I don't entirely disagree with him, and maybe I will have a morning walk now and then, but I have no desire to give up coffee. I have no heart related health problems and I don't drink an unhealthy amount. It gives me a boost and gets all the gears turning in the morning.

Last week I had an important morning meeting which I mentioned to DH. On the morning of the meeting, DH brought me a coffee up, which I thought was thoughtful. I got up, got ready and he brought a second cup to my office just before I started the meeting.

During the meeting, I found I was struggling to engage as well as usual. I was still able to do my job, but I was a bit groggy and it must have come across as someone asked if I was tired.

You've guessed it - he'd brought me decaf both times.

This, it transpires, was to 'prove' my 'caffeine addiction' was 'all in my head'.

I am annoyed. He thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I have a senior position in work (head of department), and need to be 'on' all the time to engage the team and deal with that day's challenges. Coffee is one of the ways I do that in the morning. It has nothing to do with him.

I feel entirely disrespected and I think he's an especial idiot for choosing the morning of what he knew was an important meeting to do his failed experiment.

I'm not interested in engaging with him today. He hasn't (and won't) apologise.

AIBU to genuinely reconsider how I feel about him over this or should I give it time and try and forget about it?

OP posts:
Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 04/10/2021 11:05

@Tal45

YABU because the only reason anyone would be completely reliant on coffee to be able to function fully is if they were addicted to it. If you are addicted to it then that is a problem IMO and if you're not addicted then you should be able to function without it.

It was wrong of your OH to experiment on you but I can understand him wanting to prove how ridiculous this is. Unless you were drinking coffee very young you managed for years and years without a morning coffee.

I would look at your sleeping/eating/drinking habits and work out how to change them so you are not groggy in the mornings rather than relying on coffee to sort you out.

Why? It’s not an unhealthy amount of caffeine to be drinking. I feel exactly the same after one. What is so ridiculous?
Suitcaseseverywhere · 04/10/2021 11:07

I’m a caffeine addict. Two cups in the morning before 9 and none the rest of the day.

🤷🏼‍♀️

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2021 11:11

It was wrong of your OH to experiment on you but I can understand him wanting to prove how ridiculous this is.

It’s not “ridiculous” to drink and enjoy 2 cups of coffee, or green tea, or rooibos, or English Breakfast, or hot chocolate, or whatever the hell else hot drink you fancy before 10am.

You don’t subject people to experiments they don’t consent to.

It’s a very very basic issue of respect and boundaries.

Neonplant · 04/10/2021 11:12

I'd be really angry too. It's annoying it had an impact on your day. But obviously the really annoying thing is that he feels he has the right to fix you and experiment on you. Especially given you have not said you actually wnat to change this habit.

A side note, as somone who enjoys coffee but not loads of it, a cup a day normally. If gives me the rage that people who believe any old shit the read about health and eating will believe caffeine is the devil. Moderate amounts are absolutely fine for most people.

ShowMeHow · 04/10/2021 11:12

Coffee the last bad habit to malign hey!

He is so unreasonable as to make me think there should be a third voting option !!

Caffeine has some possible health benefits though can’t remember off hand the current position I do know however that without my morning coffee I would feel shit at work and have a banging headache by 10.30.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 04/10/2021 11:13

YANBU. What a stupid git.

I know I'm addicted to caffeine, in that I have to have two cups of filter coffee in the morning or I'll feel groggy. I've stopped having caffeine completely before and I had headaches for a couple of days. I tried all sorts of decaf coffee but none has a flavour of the beans I really love.

Coming off caffeine completely had no effect on my sleep and no effect on my overall health, and it adversely affected my wellbeing as I had no delicious coffee to look forward to in the morning. Plus the fact as I naturally have low blood pressure and low resting heart rate, caffeine is actually slightly beneficial to my health.

So stopping it altogether for me turned out to be miserable and pointless exercise. Also see being teetotal vs moderate alcohol consumption. No difference whatsoever.

I know DH's vape is probably doing him no good at all but I'd never bloody hide it or replace it with a lower nicotine content version as that would be treating him like a child, not a 50 year old adult human.

tickledtiger · 04/10/2021 11:15

It sounds like your caffeine intake is quite healthy.

Your DH is a dick to do that to you. To think that the effect of a stimulant like caffeine is all in your mind is quite stupid.

Taoneusa · 04/10/2021 11:17

Op, you said I feel entirely disrespected.He thinks I’m being ridiculous.

Forget the coffee reliance aspect for a moment. Has he disrespected you? Would he have done it if he’d realised he was disrespecting you as a person, undermining your autonomy and sabotaging your morning?

Is he being literal and thinking this is just about caffeine ….Did he intend to disrespect and sabotage caffeine, not you?!

notacooldad · 04/10/2021 11:17

How bloody dare he!
How controlling to try and play tricks with your mind.

Your choice what you drink and when you drink it.

DH has stopped drinking alcohol but it wouldn't occur to him to tell me what's best for me ( in his opinion)
I would be starting a row over this to be honest and I'm conflict adverse!

notacooldad · 04/10/2021 11:21

It’s a cup of coffee.I’d probably be annoyed on the day but all the comments calling him controlling and abusive and name calling are a serious overreaction.
So it's ok for someone to play tricks on you to try and prove their point.
The op is happy with her consumption and it doesn't affect her husband in any way but he thinks she needs to be taught a lesson! It's more than a bit annoying! His arse would be bounced down our road if mine tried that stunt 'for my own god'

MLMsuperfan · 04/10/2021 11:23

YANBU and have a right to know what you're drinking.

However if you're "struggling to engage" after skipping coffee then you (pretty much by definition) do have a substance dependency.

Fifthtimelucky · 04/10/2021 11:23

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

He shouldn't have done that. He tried to trick you - rude. He's trying to tell you you have an addiction - you don't. He's taken it upon himself to police your "addiction" - patronising schmuck.
No. Surely what he has done is prove that there is a caffeine addiction. That is the opposite of what he had hoped to prove - he had wanted to prove that it was all in the OP's head.

I'm not suggesting that it's a big or dangerous addiction, but it sounds like an addiction nevertheless.

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2021 11:23

@Taoneusa

Op, you said I feel entirely disrespected.He thinks I’m being ridiculous.

Forget the coffee reliance aspect for a moment. Has he disrespected you? Would he have done it if he’d realised he was disrespecting you as a person, undermining your autonomy and sabotaging your morning?

Is he being literal and thinking this is just about caffeine ….Did he intend to disrespect and sabotage caffeine, not you?!

Precisely.

And this is why he needs to understand OP’s annoyance and then bloody well apologise.

RosiePosieDozy · 04/10/2021 11:23

Ugh. That would annoy me too. He's being controlling. It's not up to him to decide how much coffee you drink. Do you dictate what he eats and drinks?

tickledtiger · 04/10/2021 11:25

@Taoneusa

Op, you said I feel entirely disrespected.He thinks I’m being ridiculous.

Forget the coffee reliance aspect for a moment. Has he disrespected you? Would he have done it if he’d realised he was disrespecting you as a person, undermining your autonomy and sabotaging your morning?

Is he being literal and thinking this is just about caffeine ….Did he intend to disrespect and sabotage caffeine, not you?!

Sorry if I read this wrong but I disagree. He didn’t give a shit that she had an important meeting to attend on the day he did his self-indulgent little experiment so yes I’d say he disrespects her.

And if it’s the case that he didn’t think about the possible effect on her work, that’s even worse.

The other option is that he’s ignorant enough to believe caffeine has no stimulant qualities at all, but I doubt it.

me4real · 04/10/2021 11:26

YANBU it's controlling of him and there's not much wrong with coffee unless the person has some medical reason to avoid it. It's even said to help prevent dementia.

knittingaddict · 04/10/2021 11:28

That would infuriate me and there would be words.

I have gone caffeine free at home because it seems to make my acid reflux worse. I'm quite sad about it because I love a properly flavoured fully caffeinted hot drink. There is no way that I would even discuss my husband doing the same, let alone sabotaging his drinks. We buy both types and everyone's happy.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 04/10/2021 11:29

I vote for sanctimonious cunt.

FangsForTheMemory · 04/10/2021 11:33

This would seriously piss me off. I was au pair to a french family years ago and the woman would give me stuff to eat and lie about what it was. One time horsemeat that she said was steak, one time ox heart (obviously offal so I didn't eat it). It's abuse.

Helendee · 04/10/2021 11:36

Make your own maybe?

knittingaddict · 04/10/2021 11:37

To all those tutting over the "addiction" to coffee, so what? There are some quite major health benefits to moderate coffee drinking including some protection from type 2 diabetes, it contains antioxidants, has been shown to protect against some other diseases, and it lifts your mood. What's not to like?

Practicebeingpatient · 04/10/2021 11:39

I agree that he shouldn't police your food or try to control you but the fact that you were noticeably groggy and less alert than normal shows how overdependent you have become on caffeine as a stimulant to enable what should be normal functioning.

If he's normally a nice reasonable man I'd chalk this one up to being over zealous about his own new regime.

Leave your husband out of this and try to cut down caffeine for your own sake. It is a seriously addictive substance. I spent about 3 years reducing and decreasing my dependence on it and now have been off it completely for about 10 years. I've had maybe three or four 'accidental' caffeinated coffees during that time and I've been shocked at how much just one cup affects my heart rate and sleep for the next 24/36 hours.

RobertaFirmino · 04/10/2021 11:40

@knittingaddict

To all those tutting over the "addiction" to coffee, so what? There are some quite major health benefits to moderate coffee drinking including some protection from type 2 diabetes, it contains antioxidants, has been shown to protect against some other diseases, and it lifts your mood. What's not to like?
Indeed. I'd put money on some of these tutters being well and truly dependent on sugar/food to improve their mood.
NormanStangerson · 04/10/2021 11:40

Any sanctimonious cunt of a man whose arrogance was so great that he took it upon himself to police, judge, find me lacking and attempt to secretly change me, would be out the fucking door.