AIBU to be uninterested in my work colleagues sex lives?

[jacktheladess]

NC for obvious reasons! The company I work for is very 'woke'. It recently had a LGBTQ+ day where everyone who wanted to could 'come out' to colleagues. One colleague gave us chapter and verse on how he was Bi (engaged to female, which we were all aware of). He then went on to write an article for our company newsletter on how supported he felt about revealing to all his colleagues that he was Bi and how wonderful they had all been, and what a wonderful reaction he had. So I feel a bit uncomfortable about this tbh. He isn't a close colleague, but even had he been I have absolutely zero interest in my work colleagues sex lives? I couldn't give a flying fuck if they are straight, bi, gay, into bondage, whatever. I really, really don't care. I do not expect my colleagues to wonder about my sex life, so why should I be encouraged to take an interest in theirs? Perhaps not an AIBU (because even if the majority think I am, I don't care) , but does anyone else feel like this? That their work place is actively encouraging people to share their sexual proclivities?

I really, really don't care.

I really, really think you do.

From the way you've described it, your colleague has not been talking about his sex life. I mean, yeah, I agree with the general principle that colleagues should not be talking about whoever they shagged the other night and what positions they tried, but this isn't what has happened.

If a colleague feels the need to make a big deal out of coming out, as opposed to casually slipping into conversation a non-sexual anecdote about a current/former partner who is not of the opposite sex, then I'd suggest they previously didn't feel comfortable bringing their whole self to work, and it's great that they now do. Maybe it was all in his head, and he was projecting his own insecurities, or maybe he's picked up on the attitudes of people like you who claim not to care, but actually, care quite a lot.

I'd support it, apart from anything else, there could be newer/more junior colleagues absolutely bricking it about how unsupportive they perceive their workplace to be. If someone else 'goes first', it can take a lot of the anxiety away, and again, I'm all for making people not feel on edge all the time.

If people bring their whole self to work, they're more likely to perform at their best, and commercially, isn't that what every business wants?

Think back to what the colleague has actually said - from your posts, it doesn't sound like he's said much more than 'I like men and women' - and why you're so hacked off. What's the real reason your back is up? You don't need to post there, but I'd encourage you to challenge your own bias. Sometimes we don't realise what kind of crap we're holding onto until we're put in a situation that forces us to confront our own beliefs. If you reflect on it, you can let go of the crap.

@LobsterNapkin

It’s a “big deal” because it’s still assumed that being straight is the default. As PP have said, people inadvertently announce they’re straight all the time by simply talking about their lives. Nobody says, “oh, stop talking about your husband/wife, I don’t need to know you’re straight!” Until being gay, lesbian, bi, whatever else, is assumed by general society to be as likely and valid an option as being heterosexual, and the sex of someone’s partner isn’t automatically guessed to be the opposite, then it is still something that needs pointing out because those of us who do fall on the LGBT spectrum are fed up of being assumed to be straight. It just isn’t who we are

People talk to you at work about your spouse because they are talking about what you have going on in your life, or . They don't care what that says about your sexuality, and they don't care if you fancy people of the other sex as well right now, or whether or not five years ago you might have been dating someone of the other sex unless that's relevant to what you are talking about.

No one else needs to affirm your identity at work.

Except some people do care. You're acting like homophobia no longer exists when it very much does. There are people who thibk of or treat others differently when they find out that they have a same sex partner.

YABU and are an example of why militant political correctness and woke will last for at least another two decades.

This is how we ended up with the NSPCC protecting the rubber boys antics in their work toilets (and their attacking those who reported him). Never seen such ignorance, entitlement and plain stupidity.

@KittenKong

This is how we ended up with the NSPCC protecting the rubber boys antics in their work toilets (and their attacking those who reported him). Never seen such ignorance, entitlement and plain stupidity.

Wait. Saying your bisexual is the same as filming yourself walking in the toilets how exactly?

That's quite different than the scenario the OP was describing where they were all supposed to tell each other about their sexual orientation, which is a real invasion of privacy for one thing, but also the element where others are supposed to affirm and make them somehow feel good about it is also a kind of invasion of privacy.

Where does the OP say in any of her posts that she and her colleagues were ‘all supposed to tell each other’? What has given you the impression that this was anything but voluntary? One man happily shared his sexuality. One. For all the OP knows, five or ten others choose not to do so. There is no ‘invasion of privacy’ if people choose to share something.

I’ve still yet to see one good reason why it would be a problem for anyone to know, even if they weren’t particularly interested.

This thread is horrifying.
What I get from this is I can be bi, as long as I don't ever talk about it.
Also, a lot of straight people explaining to LGBTQ people, why homophobia doesn't exist.

Mordinvasnormandy - he was more the natural
Conclusion of ‘bringing your whole self to work’ schemes, the whole self disclosure. This was the argument they used. Yea probably not the thread to bring him in, but I was pondering where disclosure becomes harmful.

Someone’s sexuality has no baring on me. And I won’t put up with anyone else making stupid comments or jokes, or treating anyone else less favourable or respectfully.

If it makes someone feel better or more comfortable to tell me of their sexuality, fine. It’s irrelevant though.

@KittenKong

I'm glad sexuality is irrelevant for you but you must surely aknowledge that homophobia does still exist?
It's a bit like when people say they don't care about race, the meaning is often well intended but it pretends racism doesn't exist, ignores that there might be specific struggles for specific groups etc. Equally I'm also neurodiverse, people will say to me "I don't care, or I don't see you as autistic just my friend" which is usually well meant but it sort of implies "Even though you're autistic or despite you being autistic"

It's lovely that you as an individual don't think its relevant but its not helpful until that is wide scale represented, and that allies aren't needed to help support certain causes

I’ve already said - if someone feels they want/need to tell me then fine. It makes not one jot of difference to me. Why should it?

I was bullied and beaten up at school because my sister is gay. Accused of incest (???) because she is gay. By complete strangers in the street. I’ve worked a long time - and never come across workplace bullying on the basis of sexuality - race and sex, absolutely.

So yes, do what you have to do - but know that a lot of people aren’t arseholes waiting to - bully you? Make jokes? Treat you worse?

@KittenKong

I’ve already said - if someone feels they want/need to tell me then fine. It makes not one jot of difference to me. Why should it?

I was bullied and beaten up at school because my sister is gay. Accused of incest (???) because she is gay. By complete strangers in the street. I’ve worked a long time - and never come across workplace bullying on the basis of sexuality - race and sex, absolutely.

So yes, do what you have to do - but know that a lot of people aren’t arseholes waiting to - bully you? Make jokes? Treat you worse?

Just because you've never come across it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And if you're straight you're naturally less likely to notice it. Even if people aren't making homophobic comments to my face, I have still noticed people suddenly go quite and seem uncomfortable if I make any reference to a partner.

A lot of people aren't homophobic arseholes. But some are, even if you personally haven't come across them.

Look at it this way.

If the company have provided the opportunity and people have taken it then a need is being fulfilled.

The need for people to feel heard and seen should be easy for you if you are live and let live.

Its also a clear company messgae. We see you and you are welcome.

IF you were homophobic you would be in no doubt now that your company would not tolerate hateful behaviour. Which can only be a good thing.

What if the owner of the business is a religious type? I’ve been there (twice) and felt unable to use my married name or discuss my family. Arseholes everywhere...

It’s about being able to be yourself in the workplace. To be able to mention that you and your partner tried out that new Italian place on the high street without having to avoid mentioning their partner’s sex. That is not talking about your “sex life” any more than it would be if your partner was the opposite sex. Also Knowing that your same sex partner will be welcome at any social event that includes opposite sex partners.

@CounsellorTroi ^ exactly this. It's really not hard to understand is it?!

Privilege on display everywhere here.

@KittenKong

This is how we ended up with the NSPCC protecting the rubber boys antics in their work toilets (and their attacking those who reported him). Never seen such ignorance, entitlement and plain stupidity.

No it isn't Kitten.

Unless you are conflating "being an out homosexual at work" with "being a pervert at work" ... & you wouldn't be bigoted enough to be doing that now, would you?

That's fine but I find it hard when someone who's been in a relationship for yonks comes out as bisexual (which was the situation in OP)
Because it has no material impact on their life (partner still the same, hobbies still the same etc) and it just sounds like they are saying they fancy people outside their relationship. And I don't want to know.

I also think its a bit disrespectful to gay people when someone in a long term heterosexual relationship "comes out" as bi. Because that person to all intents and purposes is perceived to be straight and privileged as such. It feels a bit appropriative.

This is how I felt when DS 14 came out to me. I really don't need to know about his sexual preferences.

@TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons

This is how I felt when DS 14 came out to me. I really don't need to know about his sexual preferences.

How did you hide your own sexual preferences from him? I have to assume he was adopted/IVF and you have been single since being his parent and all past relationships were kept a strict secret, otherwise you’d be shoving your sexual preferences in his face.

@TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons

This is how I felt when DS 14 came out to me. I really don't need to know about his sexual preferences.

Bless your giant supportive heart.

Maybe if you paid attention to your own son, he could explain to you in simple phrases why you should not be using the word "preferences" when you mean "orientation."

And when you say you "don't need to know", what the hell do you mean? He should never bring a romantic interest home to meet you, in case you have to face the full horror of his homosexuality?

Isn’t it interesting how the people who say ‘I don’t care, I just don’t want to hear about it’ or ‘I don’t need to know’ are invariably the people who do actually seem to care quite a bit?

A close female friend of mine is bisexual and in a relationship with a woman and she has to ‘come out’ all the time. It’s never a one-off thing. She has to come out every time she meets a new colleague and mentions her ‘partner’ and gets asked ‘what does he do?’ Or every time she brings her to an event and has to make it clear that this is her girlfriend. No, not her girl-friend or housemate but her actual girlfriend girlfriend. Things that just absolutely wouldn’t happen if her choice of partner had happened to be male, which she is well aware of.

And as for the suggestion that you can’t ‘come out’ as bi if you’re in a committed relationship with the opposite sex and that doing so is just revealing that you ‘fancy people outside your marriage’… come on! You don’t stop being bisexual just because you marry someone of the opposite sex, any more than you stop being heterosexual if you do the same thing. I am a woman married to a man and I can say I’m straight without that meaning ‘I fancy loads of men who aren’t my husband’, why would it be any different if I said I was bi?

A relative of mine very recently told me he is bi, despite the fact that he’s married to a woman, and we had a really good conversation about this. He told me he always felt like he isn’t ‘allowed’ to be bi because he’s mostly always had girlfriends and now has a wife, but that he eventually realised it’s still a part of his identity and nobody else gets to say otherwise. And knowing that about him gave me insights into our shared childhood and how he was feeling while we were growing up which I didn’t previously know about. So to suggest it just isn’t important or relevant because he’s essentially ‘straight now’ is incredibly ignorant.

@ModerateOven

There is a difference between sex life and sexuality

Quite reasonable for work colleagues not to be interested in either. Why do we need to know?

Would you be bothered if a straight colleague talked about their upcoming wedding? Or would you think it wasn’t something you needed to know about.

I’m finding this thread appalling and depressing. There is still so much homophobia and biphobia.

@TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons

This is how I felt when DS 14 came out to me. I really don't need to know about his sexual preferences.

Wow - A* parenting right there.

Do you have any other children? I look forward to the day when they excitedly tell you that you’re going to be a grandmother, only for you to sneeringly reply, ‘Eurgh - I really didn’t need to know you’ve had sex.’