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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be uninterested in my work colleagues sex lives?

199 replies

jacktheladess · 03/10/2021 15:30

NC for obvious reasons! The company I work for is very 'woke'. It recently had a LGBTQ+ day where everyone who wanted to could 'come out' to colleagues. One colleague gave us chapter and verse on how he was Bi (engaged to female, which we were all aware of). He then went on to write an article for our company newsletter on how supported he felt about revealing to all his colleagues that he was Bi and how wonderful they had all been, and what a wonderful reaction he had. So I feel a bit uncomfortable about this tbh. He isn't a close colleague, but even had he been I have absolutely zero interest in my work colleagues sex lives? I couldn't give a flying fuck if they are straight, bi, gay, into bondage, whatever. I really, really don't care. I do not expect my colleagues to wonder about my sex life, so why should I be encouraged to take an interest in theirs? Perhaps not an AIBU (because even if the majority think I am, I don't care) , but does anyone else feel like this? That their work place is actively encouraging people to share their sexual proclivities?

OP posts:
KittenKong · 03/10/2021 17:04

What difference would it make if a married (to the opposite sex) colleague came out at bi? What difference would this make to put working relationship?

And say a colleague is gay (you didn’t know but you knew they had gone on holiday with their ‘partner’) and you said ‘how did your boyfriend like Spain?’) and she said ‘I’m gay’, you’d say ‘oh - how did your girlfriend like Spain?’.

It’s really none of my business (of course I don’t want to make anyone fee uncomfortable or awkward), but if you treat people differently because they are gay, then you are a jackass.

Tippexy · 03/10/2021 17:04

@KittenKong

‘And?’ is the the only response needed to someone at work (a colleague, not your mate or sister) telling you that they are gay. I don’t need to know unless I am trying to chat someone up and they say ‘errr, I’m gay’.

If they are going to come to work dressed in the garb of the opposite sex, then yes I’d like a heads up, so that there would be no embarrassed silences or double takes...

How do you determine the garb of the opposite sex?
KittenKong · 03/10/2021 17:05

Maybe a work uniform, or skirt, heels, makeup... you really don’t know?

Babyroobs · 03/10/2021 17:07

@LoislovesStewie

Well, I have worked in local government for the whole of my adult life, and truly I have never seen anyone being sidelined, passed over for promotion etc due to their sexuality. In fact a number of the managers were gay. It was a complete non issue, no-one talked about, no comments were made, no-one was interested because it made no difference to my job or their job.
Exactly, I've worked in the NHS for many years right back to the eighties, also in the equivalent NHS in another country and always worked with gay colleagues and no-one has ever batted an eyelid. When training in the eighties as a Nurse most of the male student Nurses in our cohort were gay or Bi and it was completely accepted. It's sad if this is not the same in other organizations but certainly not something I have experienced.
Summerfun54321 · 03/10/2021 17:09

This thread is so bigoted and embarrassing.

Looneytune253 · 03/10/2021 17:09

No where in your post did you mention them talking explicitly about their sex life so I think you should get a grip. You wouldn't have a problem if they mentioned a heterosexual partner now and then so why make it a big deal if they're gay or bi.

Summerfun54321 · 03/10/2021 17:11

Try being a lesbian working in construction. Just because being gay or bisexual is accepted in your own field of work, doesn’t mean it is everywhere else.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 03/10/2021 17:11

It's amazing, isn't it, how talking about an opposite-sex partner is just bland social chit-chat, but talking about how you've had same-sex partners is "talking about your sex life".

MadMadMadamMim · 03/10/2021 17:13

I'm with you. I couldn't care less who my colleagues fancy, or what they get up to in their own homes.

As a 50 something year old woman I don't go around declaring Cock. I like cock! so I fail to understand why other people feel the need to declare their sexual preferences in public.

I just want you to do your job efficiently, frankly. I don't care about your private life.

MadeOfStarStuff · 03/10/2021 17:13

YABU

He’s not talking about his sex life. He’s talking about part of his identity/something that’s important to him.

Peoniesandpeaches · 03/10/2021 17:16

@cormorantes

If the male colleague is happily married to a woman, and is coming out as bisexual, why do they want to let colleagues know? I'm sure im missing something other than, "in future I may have an affair with a man or leave my wife for man?" That's a bit of an odd announcement? Or maybe it's about letting people know about their past?
Yes you absolutely are missing something. As a bi woman dating a gay woman I am often assumed to be gay. Straight people “straightsplain” heterosexual relationships to me or assume I can’t understand what they are going through. I have been assumed not to be maternal to not understand other women’s needs, to be “one of the guys” and more. Given my job in public health having my opinions invalidated due to assumptions is utter bs and negatively affects my ability to do my job. It’s infuriating to have been placed in a box that doesn’t fit who I am or my life experiences. Not to mention the times people have found out my sexuality and suddenly become uncomfortable with me. I’ve had male colleagues propose threesomes and women suddenly stop talking to me but not had HR take it seriously.
scarpa · 03/10/2021 17:17

straight-privilege bingo

Exactly. With a fuck-off helping of Mumsnet's favourite side dish too, biphobia.

KittenKong · 03/10/2021 17:18

You wouldn’t want to go for a drink with my old boss then... after a couple of drinks he would talk about his sex live (he of the 3 women in one day, and it was even worse because he was married and bonking my assistant at the time). Absolute cringe fest.

So you can fancy who you want, have a partner of who you want (it’s really none of my business) but just don’t tell me about time you went on a day trip to Paris with your colleagues, took your wife along, and had sex with your office squeeze in the loos on the Eurostar). Or had sex on your desk with a prostitute (another old boss). Oh I have worked with some right charmers...

Unsure33 · 03/10/2021 17:18

@Bloodystupidjohnson

I am totally shocked at your post , back in the 80s I used to go to a gay pub run by a gay couple and no one batted an eyelid .

Also no problems in the workplace either everything discussed openly .

Can things really be as bad as you describe?

BrendaBubbles · 03/10/2021 17:21

Mixing sexuality and work seems inappropriate to me. People shouldn’t be using or engaging their sexuality at work, so it’s not relevant there.

Penistoe · 03/10/2021 17:22

Woke brigade. God people need to seriously start thinking for themselves.

EnjoyingTheArmoire · 03/10/2021 17:23

What a horrible thread, with some spectacular homophobic responses.

YAB so very very U, and so are many of the replies.

Appalling.

Unsure33 · 03/10/2021 17:25

As for the original question .

I agree it’s not just about sex so that is not the right attitude.

However I don’t really get involved in any of my colleagues private lives much .

No one would worry about telling colleagues if they felt like it and as it probably would not affec

Unsure33 · 03/10/2021 17:26

Ct their work I don’t think anyone would take much notice tbh

InFiveMins · 03/10/2021 17:28

Articles at work should surely be about work related activities - not the sexuality of their employees.

scarpa · 03/10/2021 17:29

[quote Unsure33]@Bloodystupidjohnson

I am totally shocked at your post , back in the 80s I used to go to a gay pub run by a gay couple and no one batted an eyelid .

Also no problems in the workplace either everything discussed openly .

Can things really be as bad as you describe?[/quote]
I mean this kindly but you are being naive to think this doesn't happen. Haven't you seen the number of attacks on gay men in recent months in the news? I can think of 4 or 5 just in the last couple of months that have made the news, and know of more which haven't.

A male friend was called several homophobic slurs while he and his husband were walking their six-year-old daughter home from school the other day.

The people doing these things have jobs, too. They're not just bigots in their private lives - they're in offices and workplaces, making hiring decisions, making vile jokes they pass off as banter, making it clear gay people aren't welcome.

scarpa · 03/10/2021 17:30

@Penistoe

Woke brigade. God people need to seriously start thinking for themselves.
Can you clear up for me which bit you think is too 'woke'?

Is it where gay people are openly supported in the workplace?

slashlover · 03/10/2021 17:36

@BrendaBubbles

Mixing sexuality and work seems inappropriate to me. People shouldn’t be using or engaging their sexuality at work, so it’s not relevant there.
Do you tell people this when they announce a pregnancy or talk about their new boyfriend? Is it only engaging in their sexuality at work when it's non-straight couples?
julieca · 03/10/2021 17:42

So you never ever talk about your husband or boyfriend or ex then? Wouldn't want you to be a hypocrite and talking about your sex life to your colleagues.

CarrotSticks23 · 03/10/2021 17:43

Why does someone revealing their bi at work make you so uncomfortable? Why does it annoy you enough to start a MN thread?

This thread is very "I have no problem with the gays as long as its not in my face'

It's a big part of his identity, it's not his sex life. Whether you would feel the need to come out or not is irrelevent, he felt the need to. And that's fine. He hardly stood up in the middle of the working day and started showing off his gimp mask. He came out as a bi on a day the company had set aside to come out as bi.

If you don't care about your colleagues sexualities then why are you making a big deal out of it?