AIBU to be uninterested in my work colleagues sex lives?

[jacktheladess]

NC for obvious reasons! The company I work for is very 'woke'. It recently had a LGBTQ+ day where everyone who wanted to could 'come out' to colleagues. One colleague gave us chapter and verse on how he was Bi (engaged to female, which we were all aware of). He then went on to write an article for our company newsletter on how supported he felt about revealing to all his colleagues that he was Bi and how wonderful they had all been, and what a wonderful reaction he had. So I feel a bit uncomfortable about this tbh. He isn't a close colleague, but even had he been I have absolutely zero interest in my work colleagues sex lives? I couldn't give a flying fuck if they are straight, bi, gay, into bondage, whatever. I really, really don't care. I do not expect my colleagues to wonder about my sex life, so why should I be encouraged to take an interest in theirs? Perhaps not an AIBU (because even if the majority think I am, I don't care) , but does anyone else feel like this? That their work place is actively encouraging people to share their sexual proclivities?

Thank you @ChargingBuck.

I think it would be interesting to see how many people manage to spend a week without casually letting people know they are straight. Even if they don’t say it directly it’s always let-known.

Heck even in Mumsnet 99% of the post could be written about a partner but yet it’s always been made clear that OP is dating a man, even though the partner being a man doesn’t change the AIBU and wouldn’t affect whether or not OP is being unreasonable.

Yet if one queer person makes a point of pointing the sex/gender of their partner they are immediately met with the “oooh” “ahhh” “did she/he/they really have to let us know they were/are gay? Who cares?”

Well clearly they do or otherwise they wouldn’t even notice it…

@Linning

Political discussions are a million times harder.
Try saying you don't vote labour if you work at a local authority that has red in charge.

@KittenKong

I had a contractor working for us who was having an affair with two men (she was married with little kids). After a couple of drinks she would tell you alllll about it. My god woman... (and yes, I’d be a prissy if she’d been a man having an affair).

How is this relevant to the topic?

@Tal45

If I was engaged to someone who was bi I think I'd wonder why they needed the whole office to know they were also attracted to men tbh. Different if you're not in a committed relationship and might be dating either sex in the future but if you're marrying someone then doesn't it become a bit irrelevant who else you're attracted to?

It’s not really ‘relevant’ to anyone else that they’re engaged either. Why don’t you have a problem with knowing that?

YANBU.

People seem to have missed the difference between being able to be straightforward about things like family life, and this idea of "bring your whole self to work".

It's the difference between someone being comfortable having a casual conversation about something funny that happened at their church last week, and needing everyone to know and affirm the importance of your being a member of the Church of Weirdo Beliefs, and their acceptance of that.

The former is about not needing to be secretive about normal public life.The latter gets into all kinds of problematic areas, not least of which is it's actually ok and healthy for people at work to be a little more private than they would in a purely social setting. You may work with people who have all kinds of different viewpoints about religion, sex, politics, etc and many people will prefer not to get too far into these areas in their own and others lives. And they may feel uncomfortable being asked to affirm them in a way that is not at all an issue hearing about something funny the vicar did.

@3scape

You don't want to know? Your problem, not theirs. So do you object to "Nancy" in accounts explaining how she's been off to care for her husband? But if you're objecting to knowing about someone's sexuality then yes, you don't want to listen to that. Because if it was her wife YOU would be uncomfortable? So why sympathise when it suits you? If you don't want to "know" yes you're an active homophobe. That is a character flaw of yours. You're the one sexualising everything because of one fact, they might be attracted to men as well as women.

She's a homophobe because she doesn't want to know? Really? I'm envisaging people leaping out from behind filing cabinets shouting 'I'm gay/bi/lesbian whatever. Big deal. Homophobe is so overused these days (as are all the other - phobes) that it has lost the owner to shock or deliver a crushing judgement on the guilty wretch who doesn't want to know what a colleague's preference is.

I understand where you’re coming from OP.
I don’t care if someone is straight, gay or bi and if they want to share that info with me, completely fine, wouldn’t mind at all. I just wouldn’t like the pressure of having to share the same info about my sexual orientation, relationship status etc. When I was single a few years ago, colleagues would ask me if I was dating someone and I hated that question. It’s private info and I felt very uncomfortable to answer it but also very uncomfortable to tell them it wasn’t their business at all.

She's a homophobe because she doesn't want to know? Really? I'm envisaging people leaping out from behind filing cabinets shouting 'I'm gay/bi/lesbian whatever. Big deal.
Homophobe is so overused these days (as are all the other - phobes) that it has lost the owner to shock or deliver a crushing judgement on the guilty wretch who doesn't want to know what a colleague's preference is.

If you wanted your argument to carry weight, @SammyScrounge,
you'd have done better to avoid the ignorant & homophobic slur "preference".

"Preference" implies choice, & is a term beloved of conversion advocates, amongst other bigots.
www.wellandgood.com/sexual-preference/

Oh dear OP - I don’t think this thread has gone quite how you envisaged.

I’m another one who came on to expect to see you complaining about what you put in the title, i.e. having to hear about other people’s sex lives, when you’re not experiencing work colleagues telling you about that at all, are you?

No, I wouldn't like to know anything about a person, and whatever the type of person they were. There are too many types of people around these days.!

I think confusing sex life and sexuality in your post did you no favours. I think a good workplace should make people comfortable about talking about their boyfriend/girlfriend etc and not feel like they have to hide it. I do think people sharing details of their sex life is unprofessional. My partner worked with a guy who would share what his latest STD was with his team 🤮

@LobsterNapkin

YANBU.

People seem to have missed the difference between being able to be straightforward about things like family life, and this idea of "bring your whole self to work".

It's the difference between someone being comfortable having a casual conversation about something funny that happened at their church last week, and needing everyone to know and affirm the importance of your being a member of the Church of Weirdo Beliefs, and their acceptance of that.

The former is about not needing to be secretive about normal public life.The latter gets into all kinds of problematic areas, not least of which is it's actually ok and healthy for people at work to be a little more private than they would in a purely social setting. You may work with people who have all kinds of different viewpoints about religion, sex, politics, etc and many people will prefer not to get too far into these areas in their own and others lives. And they may feel uncomfortable being asked to affirm them in a way that is not at all an issue hearing about something funny the vicar did.

How can you compare having religious beliefs with being gay/bisexual? Preaching to others about your religion (irrelevant of the religion) is inappropriate unless you are at the place of worship or someone has shown interest in knowing more.

Telling someone you are gay isn’t any different to you being “straight forward about family life” and therefore letting us know you are straight or you have a child.

When people tell you are they are gay/Bi they aren’t asking for your approval or asking for you to “affirm” them. When you mention your husband or kids in a conversation are you asking people to “affirm” your marriage and the fact that you chose to have kids? Or are you just letting someone know facts about you without asking for people’s approval of your “life choices”?

Imagine if someone’s reaction to you mentioning your kids or your husband was like “uh. Don’t know how I feel about this, I feel like by mentioning your husband and your children you are trying to have me approve of straight marriages and straight people having children. I really don’t know how I feel about that. It’s making me quite uncomfortable to think about actually.”

Bizarre wouldn’t it?

Someone saying “Oh no can’t eat pork sorry, I am a Muslim.” Or “I don’t drink I am a Christian.” Isn’t asking people to approve or have an opinion on their religion and personal beliefs and affirm it, they are just stating a fact about them.

And just like you get to “bring your whole self to work” when you end up being straight forward about your family life, people should be able to mention they are gay/Bi or that they are Muslim/Christian etc… without it being seen as them asking others for permission to exist.

Being gay/Bi isn’t a belief and the fact that you would suggest someone simply existing is them asking for affirmation and approval of their existence and that you go as far as saying/implying they shouldn’t as it might make others uncomfortable is disturbing to say the least.

If someone say “I am a Muslim.” Are they asking for affirmation? Would I be right in ever feeling uncomfortable about someone else being Muslim or Christian? Should my discomfort at them being Muslim trump their right to state a fact about themselves such as the fact that they are Muslim? And should Muslims be asked to suppress their identity as to not make my bigoted self uncomfortable and feel like they would want me to approve of them?

Because your entire post screams that it’s absolutely acceptable to ask others to suppress their identity if it makes others uncomfortable and that the discomfort of straight people hold somehow more value than the discomfort of queer people.

Queer people don’t need your affirmation. We exist whether you want to approve of it or affirm it and we just want equality. We genuinely don’t care what your personal beliefs are regarding gay folks but the fact you think your opinion hold so much weight we would want to have our life/sexuality affirmed by you is quite interesting. Stop thinking people want your approval and start taking people’s life stories for what they are @LobsterNapkin. Them sharing a piece of who they are with you; without expectations that you will approve/disapprove or even have an opinion and without them caring if you do.

She's a homophobe because she doesn't want to know? Really?

Really.

@mumda

Political discussions are a million times harder. Try saying you don't vote labour if you work at a local authority that has red in charge.

Or the other way round which was the situation I found myself in!

In many ways I agree OP. Why do people give two figs about the personal lives of people they work with.

I couldn't care if you were straight, gay, trans or even vote tory. If you do your fucking job well all is fine in the workplace world.

I hear about people's personal lives all the time at work, against my will.

I don't need to hear about people's husbands, kids, holidays, home improvements, pets, etc. but they chat away incessantly in meetings. It's the default setting. Some people get involved while others simply don't.

The difference with this 'coming out' event is it's an opportunity for someone who might have been hiding themselves away to come forward, and feel supported and accepted. Someone who was not courageous enough to do anyone off their own back. Someone who would work much more freely without that niggling feeling. It can put a stop to speculation, accusation, paranoia and perceptions of not being accepted that can really weigh on someone's enjoyment of employment.

The potential benefits far outweigh the downsides yet so many callous responses here demonstrate that people really struggle to put themselves in the shoes of others. There's a real lack of empathy on here sometimes and it's saddening.

As a bisexual woman I think that coming out is often described as a single act when really it's an ongoing process, I might "come out" multiple times in a week

Every queer person I've spoken to has said similar to the following. Everytime I disclose my sexuality I do a little risk assesment in my head of the potential risk assessment. 90% of the time, any revealing of sexuality is a conscious weigh up.

I'm under 30, work in a progressive field and still have situations where it feels like a risk, has negative impacts and I can see someone's face change

This week for example a new senior colleague has repeatedly used "he" to describe my partner, I didn't feel safe to correct as I don't know her well enough, I've come out to an estate agent and 2 people who's houses I viewed(simply by going on a house viewing ) which makes my heart pump as knocking on a randomers door together feels unsafe, multiple shop assistants by general chatter when we've been shopping together, a friend of my mums and a car insurance man

I'm "out" but realistically it's not just one event.

It's naive when people say no one cares or its not a big deal any more. The risk is still real, I've had negative reactions and implications.
I work with doctors that were practising when homosexuality was still in diagnostic manuals, most doctors if not around then would have been trained by ones who were. Anyone over 25 is likely to have been educated in a system where homosexuality was illegal to "promote" or discuss in schools, we are only 16 years from any form of gay partnership being legally recognised 6 years from gay marriage being illegal. Both were fairly widely protested. Take a look at the negativity around a same sex couple dancing on TV

We have come far but not so far where we are blind to sexuality

Someone who was not courageous enough to do anyone off their own back.

I love, love, love this typo, in the thread context, @MaryMcCarthy

There's a real lack of empathy on here sometimes and it's saddening.

& more seriously, yes - it's distressing. A PP even posted in this very thread that she doesn't want to know, because "there are too many types of people these days".

Which reminds me of the depressing overpopulation joke - "far too many of you, just the right amount of me."

Aaaaaw @Custarddreaming

It's naive when people say no one cares or its not a big deal any more.
Naive & ... troubling. Wilfully ignorant.
It comes fromt he same stable as white people triumphantly announcing "I just don't SEE colour" (& expecting applause for it) when what they can;t actually see is the extent of their privilege, allowing them to pretend race is immaterial. Which ii can be, if you are white, & blinkered to the experience of others.

*Take a look at the negativity around a same sex couple dancing on TV&
& don't get me fucking started on the lesbian/bi character tropes displayed in film & media. Self-serving predators, or crazy bitches.

ooops forgot to pick these up for you @Custarddreaming

YABVU. So many misconceptions and prejudices on this thread.

To address a few:

You don’t stop being bisexual because you’re in a heterosexual relationship.

It’s a “big deal” because it’s still assumed that being straight is the default. As PP have said, people inadvertently announce they’re straight all the time by simply talking about their lives. Nobody says, “oh, stop talking about your husband/wife, I don’t need to know you’re straight!” Until being gay, lesbian, bi, whatever else, is assumed by general society to be as likely and valid an option as being heterosexual, and the sex of someone’s partner isn’t automatically guessed to be the opposite, then it is still something that needs pointing out because those of us who do fall on the LGBT spectrum are fed up of being assumed to be straight. It just isn’t who we are.

It’s specifically annoying to be bi and in an opposite sex relationship and have people assume that means you’re no longer bi, you don’t need to talk about it, that you’re fine with being assumed to be straight, or that saying your sexuality means you’re going to cheat.

People wouldn’t need to announce it in company newsletters if none of the above applied - if it was as everyday and pedestrian as being straight to casually drop into a conversation that you’re gay or bisexual, or have people ask before assuming the gender of your partner, that would be great - but it isn’t, and the only way we’ll get there is talking about it more.

There is still the risk of prejudice and homophobia when you come out - which as PP have also said, is not a one time occasion. It’s all the time.

Someone’s sexuality is nothing to do with their sex life, and this is not what your colleague was telling you.

Telling someone you are gay isn’t any different to you being “straight forward about family life” and therefore letting us know you are straight or you have a child.

Not sure what your issue is, given I said that people should be ok casually talking about elements of family life, or in fact daily life. Which clearly could include a same sex partner coming into the conversation naturally. Or mentioning you were at a church picnic if your weekend comes up in casual conversation. (A bit odd to think that people can't mention mundane details like that, and compare it to "reaching.)

That's quite different than the scenario the OP was describing where they were all supposed to tell each other about their sexual orientation, which is a real invasion of privacy for one thing, but also the element where others are supposed to affirm and make them somehow feel good about it is also a kind of invasion of privacy.

People you work with may think very differently than you do about all kinds of things. That requires, on the one hand, that we are accepting of people who have all kinds of views and beliefs and ways of life that we might not think are great. By which I mean you don't challenge people about their personal or home life when it comes up in conversation, you don't quiz them about their political beliefs, you try and have some sensitivity about areas that could be controversial in the workplace. You keep things on a professional level.

But the flip side of that is that you don't bring these things up yourself in a way that is going to require people to feel they have to seem to affirm your political views, or perspectives on racial justice, or bring things up that they feel they have to explain they don't agree with.

It’s a “big deal” because it’s still assumed that being straight is the default. As PP have said, people inadvertently announce they’re straight all the time by simply talking about their lives. Nobody says, “oh, stop talking about your husband/wife, I don’t need to know you’re straight!” Until being gay, lesbian, bi, whatever else, is assumed by general society to be as likely and valid an option as being heterosexual, and the sex of someone’s partner isn’t automatically guessed to be the opposite, then it is still something that needs pointing out because those of us who do fall on the LGBT spectrum are fed up of being assumed to be straight. It just isn’t who we are

People talk to you at work about your spouse because they are talking about what you have going on in your life, or . They don't care what that says about your sexuality, and they don't care if you fancy people of the other sex as well right now, or whether or not five years ago you might have been dating someone of the other sex unless that's relevant to what you are talking about.

No one else needs to affirm your identity at work.