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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be uninterested in my work colleagues sex lives?

199 replies

jacktheladess · 03/10/2021 15:30

NC for obvious reasons! The company I work for is very 'woke'. It recently had a LGBTQ+ day where everyone who wanted to could 'come out' to colleagues. One colleague gave us chapter and verse on how he was Bi (engaged to female, which we were all aware of). He then went on to write an article for our company newsletter on how supported he felt about revealing to all his colleagues that he was Bi and how wonderful they had all been, and what a wonderful reaction he had. So I feel a bit uncomfortable about this tbh. He isn't a close colleague, but even had he been I have absolutely zero interest in my work colleagues sex lives? I couldn't give a flying fuck if they are straight, bi, gay, into bondage, whatever. I really, really don't care. I do not expect my colleagues to wonder about my sex life, so why should I be encouraged to take an interest in theirs? Perhaps not an AIBU (because even if the majority think I am, I don't care) , but does anyone else feel like this? That their work place is actively encouraging people to share their sexual proclivities?

OP posts:
CarrotSticks23 · 03/10/2021 17:44

You clearly do give a flying fuck you start a whole MN thread about it! Him being bi clearly has bothered you.

QueeniesCroft · 03/10/2021 17:44

*Mixing sexuality and work seems inappropriate to me.

Having sex at work is inappropriate. Maybe saying it openly once or twice is enough for a person not to have to be constantly vigilant and therefore be better able to do their actual job?
As far as I can tell, this man announced once that he is bi. Then he said in a newsletter how good it felt to be open (and therefore mention past partners or situations, I presume).

He hardly whipped his cock out and demanded that everybody worship it. He didn't demand that everybody watched videos of his bedroom antics. He just said "Actually, I'm bi" or words to that effect. Now he can get on with his work without having to self-censor all the time. Good for him.

julieca · 03/10/2021 17:47

[quote Unsure33]@Bloodystupidjohnson

I am totally shocked at your post , back in the 80s I used to go to a gay pub run by a gay couple and no one batted an eyelid .

Also no problems in the workplace either everything discussed openly .

Can things really be as bad as you describe?[/quote]
You are uninformed. Plenty of lesbian and gay people lost their jobs or were bullied out of their workplaces before the law gave people civil rights. That wasn't until 2010 with the Equality Act.
And in the 1980s many gay pubs would have warning notices not to leave the pub alone as "gay-bashing" was so common.
Things are way better now, but they used to be pretty tough.

julieca · 03/10/2021 17:49

@CarrotSticks23 I agree this is all I have no problem with gay or bi people as long as they keep it to themselves.

BIoodyStupidJohnson · 03/10/2021 17:50

Dear god this thread is depressing. It’s like going back to the 80s.

QueeniesCroft · 03/10/2021 17:50

[quote julieca]@CarrotSticks23 I agree this is all I have no problem with gay or bi people as long as they keep it to themselves.[/quote]
Does that mean as long as they pretend not to be gay/bi?

julieca · 03/10/2021 17:52

@QueeniesCroft it is the old don't tell, be discrete. Refer to your boyfriend or girlfriend as my friend, so we can all pretend you are straight.

CarrotSticks23 · 03/10/2021 17:54

@queeniescroft it's the classic phrase people say

I'm fine with people being gay as long as its not in my face type thing

If means that the person is uncomfortable with seeing gay/lesvian displays of affection or seeing gay/lesbian couples but wants to pretend they aren't homophobic. So you can be gay but don't tell me about it, or hold hands in my presence

QueeniesCroft · 03/10/2021 17:58

That's so sad. I'm not keen on PDA's from anyone, but nobody should feel that they have to pretend to stay/feel safe and accepted.

BIoodyStupidJohnson · 03/10/2021 18:04

And this is why coming out is such a big thing for some people. They experience years and years of judgement, shame both implied and overt, plus having to work out where and how they fit into a world that is not designed for them at any level. Much of this at a very crucial time developmentally.

Is it any wonder that some people burst out of the closet with a fanfare?

It is the most ignorant of straight privilege to sit there and go, ‘Urgh, I don’t want to see it.’

PinkArt · 03/10/2021 18:06

Wow the biphobia on this thread is loooooud. A good reminder of why Bi Visibility Day and initiatives like that of the OPs employer are so important.

BiscuitLover09876 · 03/10/2021 18:06

Are they talking about sex or sexuality? Sexuality is about being able to love someone and have a relationship and have your identity accepted.

I agree talking about your numbers or fetishes is unnecessary! A lot of people are probably curious though. Blush

BiscuitLover09876 · 03/10/2021 18:07

[quote julieca]@CarrotSticks23 I agree this is all I have no problem with gay or bi people as long as they keep it to themselves.[/quote]
Why? Hmm

Tinpotspectator · 03/10/2021 18:15

He wasn't talking about his sex life and YANU.

Tinpotspectator · 03/10/2021 18:16

And I suppose the obvious reason you name changed is because you are prejudiced

slashlover · 03/10/2021 18:17

Why? Hmm

I think PP is missing some punctuation and people are misinterpreting it.

I agree this is all "I have no problem with gay or bi people as long as they keep it to themselves." i.e. PP is saying that other people are acting like that.

wobblywinelover · 03/10/2021 18:17

I mainly agree with you OP. I'm not homophobic in the slightest, anything goes. I would identify myself as asexual but I wouldn't be angry with someone if they weren't interested in knowing. I wouldn't even tell them, it's none of anyone elses business really. What annoys me is that i'm somehow 'expected' to be congratulatory of someone 'coming out'. I understand people face discrimination but many of us do in one way or another. I'm not minimizing it but it's a fact. I could come out as an asexual single mother but why would I feel the need to do that? I have just as much a difficult life and experience discrimination, misogyny and difficulties in my life as much as a gay person would have their own difficulties. No one is interested in my life either. As long as we all get on and respect each others sexuality, preferences and everything else I don't see what the problem is? As long as we're all inclusive that's all that matters? I don't get it. I resent the implication that i'm 'homophobic' because of it. I know a few gay or bi people at work and their sexuality or identity doesnt make any difference to me at all. As long as everyone is nice to each other! I understand discrimination exists but it annoys me when everyone is viewed with suspicion as being homophobic. It's ridiculous

neeenor · 03/10/2021 18:18

I think you've blended together sex (having sex with someone) and sexuality and identity. It's not the same. I get it was probably a bit OTT but nobody made you engage in it.

WhatAShilohPitt · 03/10/2021 18:21

Unless he’s describing his anal beads and preferred lube brand, I don’t think him saying he’s bi is something said with a focus on making you all envision him having sex with a man. t’s just saying that people shouldn’t be assuming everyone has an opposite sex partner - it can still raise eyebrows for same sex couples to attend work events - and that if they aren’t straight then that’s cool with everyone because there’s no homophobia. It’s nice. Then you all move on and never have to talk about ‘sex’ again, but you’ll know with certain colleagues not to ask about their wives etc as they don’t have them.

slashlover · 03/10/2021 18:22

I'm not minimizing it but it's a fact. I could come out as an asexual single mother

You're a single mother? What are you telling me about your previous sex life? See how that works?

Imagine someone talks about a band and that man has to constantly be on edge and censor himself from saying how his exboyfriend loved that band, he has to constantly think about pronoun usage etc.

I'm also asexual and work know. Mostly because I made a big deal about how I was excluded from their diversity options.

QueeniesCroft · 03/10/2021 18:23

@slashlover

Why? Hmm

I think PP is missing some punctuation and people are misinterpreting it.

I agree this is all "I have no problem with gay or bi people as long as they keep it to themselves." i.e. PP is saying that other people are acting like that.

Ah, I see it now!
wobblywinelover · 03/10/2021 18:30

@slashlover

I'm not minimizing it but it's a fact. I could come out as an asexual single mother

You're a single mother? What are you telling me about your previous sex life? See how that works?

Imagine someone talks about a band and that man has to constantly be on edge and censor himself from saying how his exboyfriend loved that band, he has to constantly think about pronoun usage etc.

I'm also asexual and work know. Mostly because I made a big deal about how I was excluded from their diversity options.

There is no need to be patronizing. Please
Tenfifteen · 03/10/2021 18:31

Sex life? Really? I’m a bit embarrassed for you to be honest.

For that alone YABVU

But I’ll play. If you really don’t care then how is the fact your colleague sharing he is gay in any way detrimental to you? If you really didn’t care then you’d ignore it or think it was not for you and read the next article on your annual pay award, sports day or the price of coffee in the staff canteen.

Seriously what’s your problem in other colleagues to feeling included? Or your company choosing to signal that that they are opposed to discrimination and it’s fine for anyone who wants to do so to be “out” at work.

WomanStanleyWoman · 03/10/2021 18:32

I didn’t ‘need to know’ when one of my colleagues got engaged. When another announced she was pregnant, I only needed to know from the perspective of how her maternity leave would affect me. Should colleague one not have announced her engagement? Did colleague two massively overstep the mark by telling us she’d had a boy? Because none of it was relevant to my job. But then again, these were nice, respectable, and above all heterosexual events. I’m guessing the whole ‘need to know’ policy doesn’t apply then.

A grown woman using buzzwords like ‘woke’ to dismiss a policy that could make life just a little bit easier for her colleagues is beyond pathetic. Let me guess - those of us criticising you are all ‘snowflakes’.

Why does this bother you so much? I know loads of things I don’t actively need to know. Unless it somehow harms or disturbs me to know them, what’s the problem? Does this ‘disturb’ you, OP?

I suggest you look for a less ‘woke’ company and apply for a job there. I doubt you’ll be missed in your current workplace.

Confiscatedpopit · 03/10/2021 18:32

Disagree. I read from your title that this would be about colleagues telling you TMI about their sex lives.

If a female colleague mentions their husband then I don’t think anything whatsoever about their sex life. Who knows (or cares) what they get up to? If you can’t do the same for your gay or bi colleagues (in otherwise not make their relationship all about sex in your head) then I think you have a problem.