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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’m just going for a lie down…

310 replies

Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 12:58

Again-Dp, every weekend…when’s my lie down?

Another weekend of me doing everything and I’m really starting to lose respect now.

We have a Dd, 3, I worked full time all my life (had Dd late) I’m now at home with her, which I’m grateful for (although it’s bloody hard work!) but I’m also doing the majority at the weekend too, or I see it as that, Dp says I’m so difficult to live with.

This weekend went as follows:

Friday night: dp comes home 7 ish after drinks after work, it’s my turn to put dd to bed (we take it in turns) she’s been hyper all
day, over 12 hours of this.
I’ve made dinner, organised a film night, dd bathed, dressed etc-I take her to bed.

Saturday

Get up, I get dd up, washing up still there from the dinner I made last night. I get dd ready for early ballet lesson at new place. I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park. He starts to say he’ll follow me up on his bike (electric motorbike) as he needs to go to the shops to get himself some things, so I’m left taking her to her new dance, alone.
The day follows a similar pattern, we take her to the playground and for lunch. I take her for a nap, he goes out for two hours to the shops, she won’t nap, so I’m playing with her. He returns home, goes in the toilet for over an hour, sits down for a bit on his phone, goes up again later for over an hour, comes down plays with dd in garden whilst I make dinner, she’s tired by this point and difficult, screaming at the kitchen door, so I have to move her and comfort her (evilest I’m trying to make dinner) he’s sat watching YouTube

Sunday: He’s sleeping in (fell asleep on the sofa) it’s getting later and later, I send dd down to wake him so he can get her breakfast ready. He puts her in the chair, goes to the toilet for ages. I come down, he goes out to the shop for over an hour and a half, I’m with dd.
He comes back, asks what’s up with me, I say I’m tired, he says so is he and that he barely slept last night.
Dd asks to go to the woods to look for flowers and to take dog for walk (it’s two houses down) he moans and asks if I’m coming, I say I’m too tired, he complains that so is he and he needs a lie down, I angrily get DD’s lunch ready and hoover and he takes them out.

Now sat here with 5 minutes peace-completely sick of it.

Aibu and am uptight or he is selfish & lazy

OP posts:
Jenufer · 03/10/2021 17:07

Love the idea that you can "just leave" siblings to play. My DC would have murdered one another if I'd "left them to play" and tiptoed out for any length of time.

My children were always more tolerable if I had friends round who had children of similar ages. Children on the whole like other children. They occupy one another really well e.g. by taking every single item of clothing out of every single chest of drawers and playing at clothes mountains, or cutting one another's hair, or making a "water flume" with a mattress on the stairs

Dishwashersaurous · 03/10/2021 17:09

It just sounds like you don't actually talk to each other.

You had a plan for the weekend.

He had a plan for the weekend.

Neither of you agreed a joint plan for the weekend

RobinPenguins · 03/10/2021 17:11

@Jenufer

Love the idea that you can "just leave" siblings to play. My DC would have murdered one another if I'd "left them to play" and tiptoed out for any length of time.

My children were always more tolerable if I had friends round who had children of similar ages. Children on the whole like other children. They occupy one another really well e.g. by taking every single item of clothing out of every single chest of drawers and playing at clothes mountains, or cutting one another's hair, or making a "water flume" with a mattress on the stairs

Well it’s about as unrealistic as the assumption you can leave a solo 3 year old to play for hours independently too then.

I can leave DD and her cousin to play for a lot longer than I can (or would) leave her to play alone.

oakleaffy · 03/10/2021 17:12

If someone is a SAHM then all childcare -or the vast majority-should be done by you.
If you both were working, I’d understand it.

oakleaffy · 03/10/2021 17:14

One child isn’t hard work if one isn’t working , either.

burritofan · 03/10/2021 17:15

If someone is a SAHM then all childcare -or the vast majority-should be done by you.
Even at the weekend and in evenings?! Fucking hell.

lazylinguist · 03/10/2021 17:18

I was a SAHM briefly. I found it an absolute doddle compared with being at work tbh, and was absolutely happy to be in charge of all housework and childcare during the week. But dh interacted loads with the dc when he got home, he cooked, did stuff around the house and wanted to be out and about with us at the weekends etc. It sounds as if your dp is just trying to avoid bothering with being a parent and thinks it's 100% your job.

Dishwashersaurous · 03/10/2021 17:20

He's doing half the bedtimes. So it doesn't seem like he doesn't do anything.

More that he has stuff to do qt the week and they haven't agreed how to do stuff and fun things and have a rest

arcof · 03/10/2021 17:29

I don't know why people are nit picking your routine tbh, I have a 3 year old and she is full on.

Have you thought about putting her in a preschool just mornings or something? I enjoy my child so much more when she's at school and I'm at work versus when we are both off because as you say, it's so bloody intense and when I'm around all she wants is me but when dads around she's a lot more independent.

Anyway re husband, you're just going to have to sit down with him and work out a schedule. Such as every Sat is your lie in, every Sun is his or whatever works. Carve out time each week that's just for you. It can only be solved via communication. The toilet thing is ridiculous and clearly he's doing it to "escape" for an hour. Talk about it to him.

If your question is are you being unreasonable, no you are not.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/10/2021 17:50

@RobinPenguins
Actually, I used plural, to not mean that they played together, but that they both would play independently like that for hours. My experience was that that isn't unusual at all, because it was the case for both of my girls.

Kdubs1981 · 03/10/2021 17:52

@oakleaffy

If someone is a SAHM then all childcare -or the vast majority-should be done by you. If you both were working, I’d understand it.
Why?

Are SAHMs not allowed any free time, like at weekends.

Why would this be fair?

HaveringWavering · 03/10/2021 17:54

He sounds rubbish but can I ask, are you not taking advantage of your 15 free hours of nursery? At least that would give you a break to recover from his rubbishness.

HaveringWavering · 03/10/2021 17:56

He’s a shopaholic with bowel problems!

If my husband was behaving like that I would harass him to go to the GP to be checked for bowel cancer until he admitted he was not shitting but shirking.

DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 18:00

@HaveringWavering

He’s a shopaholic with bowel problems!

If my husband was behaving like that I would harass him to go to the GP to be checked for bowel cancer until he admitted he was not shitting but shirking.

I was much too far out all my life And not shitting but shirking.
Feedingthebirds1 · 03/10/2021 18:08

He sounds rubbish but can I ask, are you not taking advantage of your 15 free hours of nursery?

OP says:

Where I am, you have to pay for pre school, I can’t afford it.

Op when you say I can't afford it, do you literally mean that you (as an individual) can't afford it, or as a family you can't? As a SAHM do you have access to the money DH earns or does he keep you on a rein and monitor everything you spend?

Vodkacarbsandtobacco · 03/10/2021 18:19

You're a stay at home mum of one child, how on earth are you so tired?! 'Organising a film night' sounds utterly exhausting though, where did you find the time to do that?! All that organising

Sparkletastic · 03/10/2021 18:19

Tell him you need to talk about your relationship and how you are both parenting DD. Tell him you are unhappy and considering whether it might be better to separate.

Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 19:43

@5zeds No, before Dd we both food shopped, cleaned, paid bills etc. Doing it as a single person in a small apartment and just for myself was a totally different thing. I’m
not saying all those things are hard for me, they aren’t, BUT that doesn’t mean I deserve to have zero breaks and the monotony of that 7 days per week

OP posts:
Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 19:46

@Vodkacarbsandtobacco I don’t mind doing that, I enjoy doing all the activities with her, doing it for 7 days a week is exhausting for me, yes. Perhaps there’s something wrong with me in that I don’t find being a Sahm to *Only one child that easy, whereas I found working 6 days a week teaching, marking, meetings etc a piece of piss in comparison

OP posts:
Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 19:47

@Feedingthebirds1 No, sorry, we can’t really afford it, access to all money and all very fair, I’d definitely be out of here if wasn’t like that on top of this. We’ve always shared our incomes into one big pot, when I’ve earned more for years or when he has

OP posts:
Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 19:51

@oakleaffy Do you have any idea of different people’s individual circumstances and an understanding of how children differ etc. Dp can work long hours at times, we have no family here, we haven’t had any help or a break on our own for 3 years, since she was born. She’s a full on, energetic child. I put everything into her, I enjoy it and can do it, but I’m human and sometimes, just sometimes I need 5 minutes on my fucking own to be in my own space and in my own head

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 03/10/2021 20:11

Today. When she's in bed. Sit down and tell him that you need a regular break. So either a morning or afternoon every weekend.

Either he takes her to ballet on a Saturday and that's his slot.

Or agree a different one.

Then go out and leave them to it for 3 or 4 hours.

And keep doing it every week until it becomes a habit for all of you

Dishwashersaurous · 03/10/2021 20:12

And then next month book a babysitter and go out together as a couple.

Yes it's expensive but life is expensive with children and you need to spend time as a couple

Nayday · 03/10/2021 20:29

Start tag teaming a bit more to share the care of your daughter and rest breaks. Toddlers are exhausting!

  • Alternate lie on a weekend
  • Start making plans for yourself e.g he pops out shopping 'great, can you be back for x, I'm going for a coffee'
  • Taking kid to gym class, the other stays behind/makes lunch etc for return
  • Bit of planning for family time 'tomorrow shall we xyz together'

Not justifying your DH lack of input but at the moment there isn't much clarity on who is doing what, so he's doing not much and you're resentful. Been there on the 'im more tired than you'..if Saturday is your lie in day and Sunday is his, it's amazing that difference tiny agreements like that can make! I think it's pretty common too.

Wroxie · 03/10/2021 20:34

He's spending an hour in the toilet because he's wanking over porn on his phone.

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