I’m just going for a lie down…

[Fourinaroomboredmn]

Again-Dp, every weekend…when’s my lie down?

Another weekend of me doing everything and I’m really starting to lose respect now.

We have a Dd, 3, I worked full time all my life (had Dd late) I’m now at home with her, which I’m grateful for (although it’s bloody hard work!) but I’m also doing the majority at the weekend too, or I see it as that, Dp says I’m so difficult to live with.

This weekend went as follows:

Friday night: dp comes home 7 ish after drinks after work, it’s my turn to put dd to bed (we take it in turns) she’s been hyper all
day, over 12 hours of this.
I’ve made dinner, organised a film night, dd bathed, dressed etc-I take her to bed.

Saturday

Get up, I get dd up, washing up still there from the dinner I made last night. I get dd ready for early ballet lesson at new place. I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park. He starts to say he’ll follow me up on his bike (electric motorbike) as he needs to go to the shops to get himself some things, so I’m left taking her to her new dance, alone.
The day follows a similar pattern, we take her to the playground and for lunch. I take her for a nap, he goes out for two hours to the shops, she won’t nap, so I’m playing with her. He returns home, goes in the toilet for over an hour, sits down for a bit on his phone, goes up again later for over an hour, comes down plays with dd in garden whilst I make dinner, she’s tired by this point and difficult, screaming at the kitchen door, so I have to move her and comfort her (evilest I’m trying to make dinner) he’s sat watching YouTube

Sunday: He’s sleeping in (fell asleep on the sofa) it’s getting later and later, I send dd down to wake him so he can get her breakfast ready. He puts her in the chair, goes to the toilet for ages. I come down, he goes out to the shop for over an hour and a half, I’m with dd.
He comes back, asks what’s up with me, I say I’m tired, he says so is he and that he barely slept last night.
Dd asks to go to the woods to look for flowers and to take dog for walk (it’s two houses down) he moans and asks if I’m coming, I say I’m too tired, he complains that so is he and he needs a lie down, I angrily get DD’s lunch ready and hoover and he takes them out.

Now sat here with 5 minutes peace-completely sick of it.

Aibu and am uptight or he is selfish & lazy

You need to tell him that you need X amount of time to yourself, on your own each week. In order to get this you’ll probably need to do the things that most other parents do such as only have one parent take child to the park, to dance lessons, fewer lunches out, look up where things are by yourself etc. It certainly sounds like he’s trying to get time to himself at the weekend but equally you are asking him to do everything together so neither of you have time apart.

@ChristmasWithDC That’s what I do all week, all the time, take her to the park, play dates, to gymnastics-all alone, me.
I always look up where to go myself..obviously, I’m not incapable of that, this was because it was an early Saturday morning in a new class, why should that be just down to me?

@Wroxie Lovely.

@BoredZelda

he'll have zero excuse not to pull his weight at the weekends.

Oh that’s so funny. Like all of a sudden he will become perfect parent if OP works. But even if he does, the only way she can get him to step up is to add something else in to her life that she must do? Because for sure he’s not stepping up and taking over evenings either.

I actually agree, it is funny. And yet it's not.

What it will do is provide him with zero excuses ... and to do so would clearly show him to be an utterly selfish twat and there would be no hiding from that reality. And OP could point to that when she has had enough and tell him to get to fuck.

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@oakleaffy Do you have any idea of different people’s individual circumstances and an understanding of how children differ etc. Dp can work long hours at times, we have no family here, we haven’t had any help or a break on our own for 3 years, since she was born. She’s a full on, energetic child. I put everything into her, I enjoy it and can do it, but I’m human and sometimes, just sometimes I need 5 minutes on my fucking own to be in my own space and in my own head[/quote]
I totally get that. When ours were young and needed constant attention, I was the sahp dealing with it while my dh worked. And we had no family nearby or friends initially as we'd had to move across the country. But he wasn't a twat and did his share when he got home and at weekends.

Join the Facebook group 'Bridging the gap' it's a private closed group for women in your situation and you will get loads of helpful advice x

Robin, ok, yes, sensible.

OP, having thought further, I think one big part of the problem is that you don't actually enjoy being a SAHM. You obviously love your DD to bits and are thrilled to be her mum - but there are loads of mothers who don't actually like being on more or less sole duty the whole time. I did like it, as it happens, because I actually enjoyed all the children/house admin etc. I didn't do much cleaning or tidying (still don't) because I had no interest in that - but I really, really loved having small children (toddlers are the absolute best). I also thought that being at home with the children was infinitely more interesting, worthwhile and fun than having a job. Plus there was nobody telling me how to do it.

I do know, though, that there are many, many mothers who find all that side of things very tedious. FWIW, I have found teenagers much more tedious than toddlers, so I think we all perhaps have our own parenting niche too.

I do overall think that multiple children are easier than one, from the point of view that you don't have quite the same compulsion to keep them occupied meaningfully to quite the same extent.

BTW, OP, XH and I lived 200 miles from nearest family, so we had no help either. Or, rather, I had no help. By far the best thing when my DC were little was being with other parents (mothers, in my case) of children the same ages as mine. At least you can have a bit of a chat before someone says "Mummmmmeeeeeee"

@Jenufer But have I said I don’t like being a Sahm? 🤷🏻‍♀️I do and we planned hard and cut back a lot to make this a possibility, I’ve very grateful to be able to be with her, butttttt, I’m not sure if that means I shouldn’t switch off 24/7 does it?

I'll be honest, your dd sounds exhausting. Is she a lot more intense than other kids her age, as it sounds like she needs constant entertainment or investment. At 3, she's not a toddler anymore. She should be able to communicate and amuse herself for periods of time each day. If she has dropped her nap, I suggest a rest time in her room, with quiet toys that she plays with independently for an hour.
Have you any friends who you can meet up with at the park/soft play etc regularly? Then she'll have time to make friends and you have a short break. I don't think you're structuring your SAHM time or weekends well. Aside from your DH not being too involved.

@Georgewontsleepnow We go to lots of meet ups with my friends with kids, it does help during the week. She goes to gymnastics, we go food shopping, to the beach, out for lunch, walks with the dog in nature, playgrounds, time at home in the garden and doing baking, yoga, singing, crafts/learning etc (I’m
a teacher) any thoughts on how I can structure it better? 🤷🏻‍♀️I honestly thought I was doing a good job, it’s at the weekend when we don’t go out for family days/activities that it goes wrong as I’m tired but left at home with Dd whilst Dp buggers off or has his resting time.
She’s a smart, outgoing girl and funny and sweet, but she’s pretty intense and full on! My mum has commented on her being wonderful, but exhausting and never stops etc-it’s true

@Georgewontsleepnow We do the quiet time instead of nap, but she just gets bored and says she wants to come downstairs, it’s a real battle some days. If I’m cooking dinner, I leave the back door open so I can see her and she will play alone in the garden. I have to be doing something though, the minute I sit down, she’s back to coming up to me. I say quite firmly now for her to go and play and I’m having quiet time (always feel guilty but it’s good for her and me) she doesn’t tend to play for long though

No, before Dd we both food shopped, cleaned, paid bills etc. Doing it as a single person in a small apartment and just for myself was a totally different thing. I’m
not saying all those things are hard for me, they aren’t, BUT that doesn’t mean I deserve to have zero breaks and the monotony of that 7 days per week but you can have breaks, you just have to organise them. When you go back to work you will do the nine to five, plus commute and pre/post childcare parenting, and the bills and the shopping. It’s harder work looking after a child and doing all the “life work” than you were expecting but you will get better at it and you can renegotiate with shifts you think it’s too much. If you are this stretched are ballet lessons for a three year old really necessary?

@5zeds Yes, I think perhaps I’ll leave the ballet

I've been a stay at hone mum for years. DH works 60 hours a week. He says my job is the house and kids.

What's screaming out to me here is that your DP is great at carving out his 'me time' whether that's an hour in the loo, a trip to the shops or drinks after work. That shouldn't be a problem in itself, we all need some quiet time. The problem seems to me that you haven't got any similar outlets and that's making you feel (totally understandably!) exhausted and resentful. You need to carve out that time for yourself, and make sure your DP understands that you need this time and that you'll all benefit from it. It doesn't even need to be out of the house - I used to leave DH to put the kids to bed a couple of times a week and have a lovely bubble bath with a glass of wine and a book - bliss! Or put my headphones on and listen to music or an audio book in bed. Whatever floats your boat, find that 'me time' and guard it ruthlessly.

Sorry OP as I know this is really unhelpful comment but the above is why I am happily single.

For God's sake don't have another child you will be dead on your feet whilst he is whiling away another happy hour on the toilet. Sounds like you both need to grow up.

Why don’t you just TELL him that you need a break and a sleep in on the weekend. Don’t ask him, tell him!

@RevolvingPivot except that you don’t get paid.

He doesn't sound like he is interacting with DD at all. Whilst I would expect you would do more of childcare and most of the housework as you aren't working, he needs to be spending some time with her. Could you organise an activity for just the 2 of them, maybe around Sat lunchtime if he lies in on a Saturday? I think housework generally should be shared but if one spouse isn't working, it's normal that this one would do most. Spending time with your child is different, though. She needs to bond with both of you.

Could you organise an activity for just the 2 of them, maybe around Sat lunchtime if he lies in on a Saturday?

Or he could organise it himself perhaps?

He seems to be going to the shops a lot. Is he doing the weekly shop while out there?

@Roxy69 I need to grow to? How so?

Cut back on the constant interaction and activities.

Stick her in front of an iPad and give yourself a break for an hour. Or give her some crayons. If she comes to you say “mummy is busy reading her book/having a rest/watching Netflix”. And repeat.

Take her to soft play and send her in. Keep an eye from a distance while you have some cake and a cup of tea.

Some hands off parenting will do you the world of good and probably your DD too. There’s an art to it; get practising now in case you have another (says mother of 4 who had three under 3 at one point)