I’m just going for a lie down…

[Fourinaroomboredmn]

Again-Dp, every weekend…when’s my lie down?

Another weekend of me doing everything and I’m really starting to lose respect now.

We have a Dd, 3, I worked full time all my life (had Dd late) I’m now at home with her, which I’m grateful for (although it’s bloody hard work!) but I’m also doing the majority at the weekend too, or I see it as that, Dp says I’m so difficult to live with.

This weekend went as follows:

Friday night: dp comes home 7 ish after drinks after work, it’s my turn to put dd to bed (we take it in turns) she’s been hyper all
day, over 12 hours of this.
I’ve made dinner, organised a film night, dd bathed, dressed etc-I take her to bed.

Saturday

Get up, I get dd up, washing up still there from the dinner I made last night. I get dd ready for early ballet lesson at new place. I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park. He starts to say he’ll follow me up on his bike (electric motorbike) as he needs to go to the shops to get himself some things, so I’m left taking her to her new dance, alone.
The day follows a similar pattern, we take her to the playground and for lunch. I take her for a nap, he goes out for two hours to the shops, she won’t nap, so I’m playing with her. He returns home, goes in the toilet for over an hour, sits down for a bit on his phone, goes up again later for over an hour, comes down plays with dd in garden whilst I make dinner, she’s tired by this point and difficult, screaming at the kitchen door, so I have to move her and comfort her (evilest I’m trying to make dinner) he’s sat watching YouTube

Sunday: He’s sleeping in (fell asleep on the sofa) it’s getting later and later, I send dd down to wake him so he can get her breakfast ready. He puts her in the chair, goes to the toilet for ages. I come down, he goes out to the shop for over an hour and a half, I’m with dd.
He comes back, asks what’s up with me, I say I’m tired, he says so is he and that he barely slept last night.
Dd asks to go to the woods to look for flowers and to take dog for walk (it’s two houses down) he moans and asks if I’m coming, I say I’m too tired, he complains that so is he and he needs a lie down, I angrily get DD’s lunch ready and hoover and he takes them out.

Now sat here with 5 minutes peace-completely sick of it.

Aibu and am uptight or he is selfish & lazy

Does he take his mobile into the loo?

(In fact, forget the crayons, you’re going to need to teach her to watch tv, preferably finding a film she loves so she will watch it over and over)

I hate to say it, but do you think he is hiding something? Another woman, an addiction? The fact that he goes out for so long and spends so long hidden in the toilet would set alarms bells off for me I'm afraid.
I hope to god I am wrong and he is just a lazy toss bag! But May be time got you to start digging xxxx

I'm so sorry you are lumbered with this selfish ignorant oaf - but if course you don't have to be - would you be any worse off without him - I suspect not

What now with these comments??!
Why are you giving the OP a hard time??! He is clearly a super selfish man child. You should NOT have to go back to work in order for your PARTNERSHIP to work. SAHP is a blood full time job!

He sounds like a total asshat. Parenting should not fall to one person, and he 'working' half of the relationship needs to get a grip and understand how very hard it can be to be a SAHP.
My partner used to try and tell me he'd had a hard day at work, my response was always 'sure, but did you get to close the door and have a wee in peace, coz I haven't even had that'.
I work three days a week and partner is full time, it definitely took a while, but after various breakdowns and me flat out refusing to cook and clean constantly, he gets it.
He now gets his butt home and does bath and bed time most of the time (this is also because I've been trying to wean little one off the boob), we take mornings in turns, although if I've been up during the night my partner will also take those mornings, we spent weekends as a family all together and if one of us cooks, the other cleans. Household chores we just do, no rota or assigned tasks, whoever is there will do what needs to be done.

I dont understand why any woman lets her 'partner' get away with the absolutely shitty way you're being treated. Fuck that. Tell him to grow the fuck up, not only does he need to look after his child, he needs to look after you, his partner. He doesn't have the luxury of spending hours on the toilet or going to the shop for so long - or, he could certainly take little one with him and give you a break at the weekend!

I'd put your foot down, tell him he's behaving like a horrible teenager and to shape up or fuck off.

I’d also make a habit of questioning him every time he’s spent an hour on the loo. Ask him if he’s ok, if he’s got a problem and if he says no just tell him you’re a bit concerned as it’s not normal to spend an hour on the toilet. Because it’s not. Talk to him, and don’t let him get away with him dismissing you. Take control over your life, how you want to live your life from now on. If he can’t deal with it or listen to you, it’s probably easier for you to be a single parent anyway. Also, a three-year old do not need activities or to be entertained all the time. If it’s quiet time, like you call it, then you don’t need to be there with her. Teach her the skills to entertain herself for a while, you’ll do her a favour.

Sounds just like my DH, OP. Has a nap, a lie down, a pop to the shops, a trip to the gym when ever he feels like it. That wouldn't be allowed for me. He'd whinge if I did anything unless DS was taking his nap.

My DH has been getting up with DS in the night recently as he's had a sleep regression but is back to sleep in 10 mins after milk. I do appreciate this as I struggle getting back to sleep after getting up with DS. But now he's using it as his reason not to do anything else at all.

He used to do bed time but now he says 'he just wants his five minutes peace and can't I do it'. I don't mind doing it (as well as everything else) but it shocks me that he doesn't want a half an hour with DS cuddling and reading books. Getting up in the night with him isn't quality time.

Yesterday he went to a football match and was out all day but still wouldn't help with bed time because he wanted five minutes to himself.

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@Gardenlass ‘He played with her in the park’ isn’t that pretty standard and expected for a dad? My dad worked full time, mum at home, he regularly took us out and weekends, he offered, to give my mum a break and because he enjoyed it[/quote]
I can honestly say that I don't really recall ever doing anything with my dad before the age of around 14, other than -

Breakfast every day (dad got up dead early, mum a bit later)
Going to work with him on a Saturday sometimes
Seeing extended family, in which case my mum would also be there

YABU if you assume that adults like playing with and managing children - some might, but surely a large percentage see it as a necessary evil? I'm guessing he never said " Fourinaroomboredmn, I really want a kid because there's nothing I like more than standing freezing my arse off in a park whilst a 3 year old does the same thing for an hour before throwing a tantrum".

Your 3 year old sounds a lot like my DD was at that age. Leave her to entertain herself . She can now, years on, but couldn't then.

Without splitting weekend days with DH, I would have lost it, especially as they usually started at 5am.

You're an ex teacher? Make a timetable! Works well with selfish people as they can't so easily wiggle out of what's there in black and white.

And go out for your allotted afternoon off. Ideally, book something that starts at a specific time.

Forget the family time - he's obviously not that interested.

Men who take this long on the loo are doing it so they don't have to do other stuff. They are essentially hiding.

They are essentially wanking

I bet he's doing toilet related activities for 10 minutes or less, then he's on his phone choosing something to masturbate to, while his DW is downstairs taking care of house, child, food.

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@Macncheeseballs He regularly takes over an hour on the toilet[/quote]
Even if this is avoidant behaviour I don't see how it is relaxing. Sitting there with cold air blowing around his arse smelling his own shit.

I have so much more respect for men who hide in the shed.

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@ChristmasWithDC That’s what I do all week, all the time, take her to the park, play dates, to gymnastics-all alone, me.
I always look up where to go myself..obviously, I’m not incapable of that, this was because it was an early Saturday morning in a new class, why should that be just down to me?[/quote]
Agree it shouldn't be down to you but it's madness you both doing it. Just say "could you take DD to ballet on Saturday and I'll do next week?"

Hes behaving like a single man

To be fair this all evened out for us when we had a second child (not that my DH was ever as selfish as yours but mine is autistic and can't put himself in my shoes).

Every time he announced he was going somewhere I'd say "great, are you taking the toddler or the baby?" one of us would take one and get on with stuff and the other would take the other we used to fight over who got to take the baby

We’ve all been there. At the end of the day, it’s better than being a SP and doing it all all the time. Thh hi arts what I used to think anyway.

In our house Saturday is my day off and Sunday is his, on my day off if he wants to go out he takes the kids, he cooks and cleans up, if we want to do a family activity he’s getting them ready and organising everything, I’m just there to enjoy my day with my family. It works because it’s clearly defined and non-negotiable although exceptions are made for birthdays etc

@Comedycook

So you're a sahm to one child?...in that case, yes I'd expect most childcare/house stuff to fall to you.

I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park

I also don't understand this. You're a grown adult...look it up yourself! If our DC has an activity, only one of us would take her, why does it need two of you?

Comedy Cook why does most of it fall to the sahm at the weekend? If they both essentially work full-time jobs during the week, surely they should share child care duties at the weekend?

Sigh. Frank chat required. You need the certainty of a break and to re-establish his respect for you. He already thinks it's ok to be unpleasant (aggressively defensive maybe?) to discourage you from raising his poor behaviour and force you into accepting his situation.

How about no?
You: Darling, I've decided to take a short course/class on (name$) on a Saturday morning. (trans: I need some ring-fenced time at the weekend to breath that you can't steal/undermine with your evasive tactics)
You: This means that you'll have to get DD up and to her activity because I won't be able to do it. (trans: The toilet/unagreed lie-in/unagreed leisurely shop&coffee break is off the cards.)
You: And I've been so concerned about your health recently, I booked you a private appt to see Proctologist. I managed to get you a short-notice cancellation after I told the receptionist EVERYTHING. Here's the details. (trans: Yes, am not actually stupid, thnx)

You'll get a break and he'll have less time to take the piss. Use the time for yourself and work out what's actually going on. It might be something like a new stressor has emerged which you can help address, or he may have mislaid his respect for you. Hopefully it's not permanent.

@Comedycook

So you're a sahm to one child?...in that case, yes I'd expect most childcare/house stuff to fall to you.

I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park

I also don't understand this. You're a grown adult...look it up yourself! If our DC has an activity, only one of us would take her, why does it need two of you?

WTF. Seriously. So he does nothing to raise his child at all and that is okay? He needs to get his act together because if you split up he will have her all on his own for the weekend.

I had five daughters very close in age and worked 3 days a week as a nurse. I did all activities for al 5 kids, all in different places every night after work and at weekends had x 2 horse riding and x 1 doing county gymnastics (which was lots of travelling most nights and weekends across the county). My hubby was self employed but could never make the schools assembly, gym shows/horse shows etc as he was ‘busy’. I took all 5 kids in my own to Alton towers and most holidays in this country. I am now in year 25 of marriage and very bitter about all of this and as a consequence going through a separation as I can’t let things slide. He now says I’m a ‘crap mum’ as My youngest is now 14 and I have increased to full time hours in a management position now my girls are older. He feels I should be home for them. ……..

He’s useless and sounds VERY much like “I’m having an affair” behaviour also. Has everyone else said that already? I’ve NRTFT

@MrsFirth2006

I had five daughters very close in age and worked 3 days a week as a nurse. I did all activities for al 5 kids, all in different places every night after work and at weekends had x 2 horse riding and x 1 doing county gymnastics (which was lots of travelling most nights and weekends across the county). My hubby was self employed but could never make the schools assembly, gym shows/horse shows etc as he was ‘busy’. I took all 5 kids in my own to Alton towers and most holidays in this country. I am now in year 25 of marriage and very bitter about all of this and as a consequence going through a separation as I can’t let things slide. He now says I’m a ‘crap mum’ as My youngest is now 14 and I have increased to full time hours in a management position now my girls are older. He feels I should be home for them. ……..

I fucking salute you ♥️

Is he chatting with/seeing someone else?