I’m just going for a lie down…

[Fourinaroomboredmn]

Again-Dp, every weekend…when’s my lie down?

Another weekend of me doing everything and I’m really starting to lose respect now.

We have a Dd, 3, I worked full time all my life (had Dd late) I’m now at home with her, which I’m grateful for (although it’s bloody hard work!) but I’m also doing the majority at the weekend too, or I see it as that, Dp says I’m so difficult to live with.

This weekend went as follows:

Friday night: dp comes home 7 ish after drinks after work, it’s my turn to put dd to bed (we take it in turns) she’s been hyper all
day, over 12 hours of this.
I’ve made dinner, organised a film night, dd bathed, dressed etc-I take her to bed.

Saturday

Get up, I get dd up, washing up still there from the dinner I made last night. I get dd ready for early ballet lesson at new place. I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park. He starts to say he’ll follow me up on his bike (electric motorbike) as he needs to go to the shops to get himself some things, so I’m left taking her to her new dance, alone.
The day follows a similar pattern, we take her to the playground and for lunch. I take her for a nap, he goes out for two hours to the shops, she won’t nap, so I’m playing with her. He returns home, goes in the toilet for over an hour, sits down for a bit on his phone, goes up again later for over an hour, comes down plays with dd in garden whilst I make dinner, she’s tired by this point and difficult, screaming at the kitchen door, so I have to move her and comfort her (evilest I’m trying to make dinner) he’s sat watching YouTube

Sunday: He’s sleeping in (fell asleep on the sofa) it’s getting later and later, I send dd down to wake him so he can get her breakfast ready. He puts her in the chair, goes to the toilet for ages. I come down, he goes out to the shop for over an hour and a half, I’m with dd.
He comes back, asks what’s up with me, I say I’m tired, he says so is he and that he barely slept last night.
Dd asks to go to the woods to look for flowers and to take dog for walk (it’s two houses down) he moans and asks if I’m coming, I say I’m too tired, he complains that so is he and he needs a lie down, I angrily get DD’s lunch ready and hoover and he takes them out.

Now sat here with 5 minutes peace-completely sick of it.

Aibu and am uptight or he is selfish & lazy

I assume he’s talking his phone to the loo and gaming or watching telly on it. I’d ask him not to take the phone with him, see how he reacts.

There may be quite a few things to discuss/change.

One of these is diet. An hour on the toilet?
(Assuming he’s not reading - in which case remove materials, loose his phone, ipad etc.)

@MrsRobbieHart

I used to set up a game, say peppa pig, both mine used to like that, and then tip toe out of the room. Go back a few hours later and they were engrossed in the game.

At 3 years old??

Yes, definitely. So cute, I recall it distinctly. I'd look back in to their room, and you'd have a great big long line of creatures, curling round the room, waiting to play on the slide, Or whatever.

Cancel the ballet. Stop making the dd the centre of the universe. Can you do playdates for her?
SAHM is about organisation. Yourself, dd and dh. Cook large meals and freeze. Make sure you have a family activity at the w/e. He's earning the money. You organise the home, including the child.

Make a list of jobs for him at the w/e. Don't be over fussy about the standards you set. A child needs 2 parents more than a spotless homes

No, it isn't normal to just vacate your parental roles in the family or as a partner in your relationship simply because a person works,and don't let any contrarian person tell you differently, I'd give the person a come to Jesus talk about his behavior and lack of engagement. Don't let your child grow up believing it's a mother's place to be a slave and Father's place to work and shirk his responsibilities. How was he prior to having a child? Did he contribute?

@arethereanyleftatall No it wasn’t meant as a chore, it was the waiting for him to get home as we didn’t know he was coming later, then going to bed later with her after a full on day. Plus then getting to early to all the washing up, getting her breakfast, getting her ready and him wanting/expecting me to be taking her myself to dance.

After him finishing at 4.30, drinks with friends, relaxing & socialising, coming home to a dinner and fun half hour with Dd, all night downstairs to himself, not even washing up, then expecting a lie in and me to do it all, with his plan being to go to the shops to buy himself stuff…who’s getting the bad deal here?

She can sometimes play alone for short periods, but has no sibling to play with, you having two makes a huge difference. She’s just one of those children that requires a lot of conversation and time, I say daily she must play alone and I need quiet time, it’s an ongoing challenge. They’re all different after all.

@FangsForTheMemory

I assume he’s talking his phone to the loo and gaming or watching telly on it. I’d ask him not to take the phone with him, see how he reacts.

This ^

His hour long toilet sessions will suddenly reduce to 10 minutes.

He probably uses incognito mode on his phone so he doesn’t need to worry about clearing his history.

Looking after a 3 yo is tedious and I hate it. I do similar things to your dp tbh and I'm the mum. Life gets very dull, you're stuck in a rut. I'd say, he isn't going to change, so you need to kind of accept it and hope that when the kid is less exhausting in a year or two he will be more hands on. He is being a git though. Saying that as a total lazy arse prick myself as it takes one to know one.

@1Endeavour2 I’m v organised, I do everything during the week, all shopping, cooking, cleaning, dinners, any admin, pay all bills, organise every single thing. He goes to work yes and earns the money, but that’s it. Frankly, I would have loved that when I was working full time, no need to food shop, clean or cook meals, even pay bills-heaven!! I’m ok doing that, but, I just need time out ffs

Yes, definitely. So cute, I recall it distinctly. I'd look back in to their room, and you'd have a great big long line of creatures, curling round the room, waiting to play on the slide, Or whatever.

I can’t believe you’d be able to leave a 3 year old for hours!

But, again, with just one child, you could do all that too! You can go out at 4.30pm, on a Saturday or a Sunday, socialising, relaxing with friends, having some drinks, just enjoying yourself.
Your mindset seems to be - I'm really miserable, so you need to be too. Whereas actually, maybe his is, we don't need both of us to be folllwing dd around all the weekend.

It’s the weekend assumptions that he has that he’s going to go out get this or that, I’m just always at home. But yep perhaps I just do that too

NRTFT

Bed times Dad time in our house, been like this since 1st dd born. DH is at work all day so this time to spend time with his children. He wasnt given an option. When we had more than one obviously we worked around that when it needed 2 of us, but now they are older it’s DHs job to put them to bed, read stories etc…

Same with Saturday dance classes or any other weekend activity. DH takes them. At the moment 4yo dose 11 - 11-45, the older 2 are 2-2.55 during the lessons he can do what the fuck he wants, sleep in the car, shop, go for a walk… sometimes we all go, in which case we go together and do things together, none of this following the car shit. I would have turned round and said fine, you take the car and do your shopping either during her lesson or take her shopping with you after. If he has an issue taking her to the shop tell him welcome to your world, parenting means we give up luxuries like shopping in peace!

You need to say tough about him being tired too. Things are different with my DH wfh now, he dosnt get as much him time but when he was working he got plenty of him time. I know he went for nice long walks during his lunch hour. He could go to the toilet in peace and quiet when ever he wanted, he could have non child adult conversation, he could go for work drinks…. Even with wfh I know full well he hides in his cushy office when he dosnt need to but during working hours I don’t mind that, come 5.30-6 he gets his arse out to do what’s needed.

your DH needs to understand you need your time too. I would be saying work drinks are fine but not every week, he needs to be home in time for bath and bed every Friday and from now on you will either be sleeping in or going out on Saturdays on your own while he dose 100% of the parenting, this includes staying on top of certain chores, just generally not letting the place look like a bomb site…

I don’t think it necessarily means he dosnt want to spend time with you, it’s just a very man way of avoiding doing things, loads of them do it. To be fair I do it at times, I deliberately take far longer than I need to do when I’m out on my own with no DCs and I don’t feel guilty at all, try it😉

Does dd ever just chill out in front of a DVd so you can both have a bit of a rest on the sofa for an hour or two?

The constant shopping and loo breaks is dickhead avoidance; the endless lying down is laziness.

But it does sound like you need to rethink some things: family time on the weekends (both of you taking her to dance class) is one of those “nice in theory” ideas that actually just means neither of you get a break. On the other hand, endless weekends where you take it in turns and never interact as a family suck. I think being less regimented is key:

Instead of regular dance class, maybe organise something 1-2 times a month that can be the three of you – zoo, museum, different playground (ring the changes!), random child-friendly activity, etc.

Split the other weekends into rough quadrants: two mornings, two afternoons. A lie-in each/other parent doing the morning shift (so lie-in parent can also be “stare at phone” parent and get it all our of their system before lunch. An afternoon off each – but in your time off you’re allowed to join in with a family thing if you prefer. I find some rough structure (“I’ll take her for a walk on Saturday morning but want to meet us at cafe for lunch? Then I’ve got the hairdresser in the afternoon. But I’ll be back by tea so we can all cook together”) helps.

Also: alternate those lie-ins the way you do bedtimes. The true Treat Weekend is for DP to do Friday night bedtime and Saturday morning getting-up, and Sunday night bedtime – then I get that end-of-week clock-off on Friday, the first lie-in, no back-to-work-blues bedtime on Sunday… glorious. We manage 1 of these a month each – something else (illness, appointments, one-off activity) stops it being a regimented “thing”.

I think you need to spell out that your job of being a sahp isn't 24/7 while his is when he clocks out at work.

Your job is just as tiring as his in many respects, and you are not going to carry the full load of parenting. Your DD has two parents.

If he can't get on board with that reality, that you are both entitled to equal downtime at weekends, and I mean downtime ... not you rush around cleaning and cooking during yours while he naps during his ... then I would make plans to find a job and go back to work.

Tell him he'll have to do his share of paying for it, covering sick days, drop offs and pick ups, and help cover holidays. That's what working parents have to do. And since your marriage won't survive if he continues to be a selfish git, you'll be glad you're in employment. Plus, you'll get more downtime when he has her for his days. See what how he feels about all that!

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Fourinaroomboredmn given the person you're co-parenting with you really do need to get back to work

3 is a good age to do this at anyway, its old enough for childcare to be a positive. If your daughter goes to a good childminder or nursery with other children her age you can drop the classes at this age. Then you refuse point blank to do more than 50/50 of household chores and weekend mornings and he doesn't have a leg to stand on whining that its all your job because he works outside the home. You also make sure you go out after work as often as he does, even if it's actually with a book and a coffee not colleagues or friends if you prefer downtime to socialising.

This. With bells on.

Tricky one, OP. Because you're right and not right at the same time.

I was a SAHM for innumerable years, including all childcare/entertainment etc at the weekends. I did often feel pissed off by XH hiding in his study while "all the other" Dads appeared to be spending time with their children.

Of course, later on, you discover that everyone's basically thinking that everyone else has cracked this parenting thing. But nobody has.

Ultimately, I liked having the DC all the time. However, this also forced me to face the fact that I was the only one who could do it properly (or so I thought). This in turn made XH feel incompetent, which in turn made him act more incompetent. Not that you're necessarily doing that, but I did.

I agree with you about needing to get the children outside at least once a day, because cabin fever would set in if we were all at home all day (we're not a 'duvet day' kind of family). However, that normally just meant me taking them for a long walk to the shops via the park or something. And I absolutely didn't plan cinema nights or any of that stuff. The other thing about being a SAHM, for me, was that 7 pm was bedtime, illness aside. After that, it was my time to play the piano or read the paper or just do nothing at all. There is nothing on Earth that would have had me organise a cinema night for a three-year-old when we'd already spent the entire day together. I also thought it was a bit odd when both parents apparently needed to accompany one small child to toddler group or whatever. It's all far too intense, and your intensity is probably making your DH think that that being the parent to one three-year-old looks like a very difficult job. So he's responding by backing off altogether, which is also unhelpful. He may also think that you are doing such a fantastic job that there's no point in him trying.

I also think that it's far more difficult to be a working parent in some ways, because if you are a SAHP you are competely 'in the zone', and - like any other job - a lot of it is just 'natural' (in that it's what you're used to). I think it's probably harder to look after children if you don't do it all the time.

Of course, it's easier to put forward all these theories this than it is to experience the situation or change it, and I hope some of these problems are solved by you returning to work.

Lol: “goes to the toilet for over an hour”

Think we’ve found your solution. Stash a load of fun things in the bathroom and take yourself off to the toilet for over an hour. Enjoy your book/tv on phone etc while occasionally making noises with the tap/flush

I think your ‘D’P sounds like a lazy twat. For comparison, I am SAHM to a 2yo and 4yo, my DH works full time. I cook tea most nights and put DC to bed every night (although DH helps with teeth brushing etc) so I just read stories and sing lullaby. DH does dishwasher etc. This weekend: DH got up with DC yesterday but I got up pretty soon after and we both took them to dancing. I normally take them on my own but DH wanted me to ‘show him the ropes’ so he can do it if/when necessary. We then spent the day together, went up town and visited grandparents. This morning DH got up with DC and gave them breakfast while I had a lie in. He then gave them a bath while I had breakfast and then I got them dried/dressed while he got himself sorted out (wash, toilet etc). I put younger DC down for a nap and he took older DC to go get us something nice for lunch. This afternoon he did some bits of DIY while I played with DC and he is now video calling other grandparents while I have a sit down. He will probably make tea as it’s the weekend and I will do bedtime. Normally neither of us bother with a lie in to be honest but I am early pregnant and very sick so he was being kind and trying to give me a break. I don’t resent DH or complain about him (have no reason to), I’m lucky to have him and have never regretted choosing him as the father of my children. Just so you have a comparison - it doesn’t have to be this way just cause you’re a SAHM

She can sometimes play alone for short periods, but has no sibling to play with, you having two makes a huge difference. She’s just one of those children that requires a lot of conversation and time, I say daily she must play alone and I need quiet time, it’s an ongoing challenge.
Every parent of two who aren’t twins has been a parent of one. It isn’t easier with two it’s different. Toddlers are very time consuming but certainly not beyond the capabilities of one adult to care for.

I’m v organised, I do everything during the week, all shopping, cooking, cleaning, dinners, any admin, pay all bills, organise every single thing. but everyone does these things. You must have done them before you had a partner AND worked. You’re tired and it’s making you see your life through a very small lens. Dh of course can do more but you will find it much easier to manage if you don’t have to dance to his tune. Stand on your own feet and decide when you want to start popping to the shops and leaving Dd with dh. Don’t wait her supper/bedtime for him or you will be red hot angry every time he’s late. Build time into your day that is fun for you. I have a larger family and a husband who worked away a lot and “rest time” after lunch (for all) was very useful to recharge.

Sounds like he could do a bit more at weekends.
What’s he going to the shops for multiple times? Why don’t you just do a weekly online shop and then there is no need for him to go to the shop at all?
I am a sahm to 3 kids (twins and a 2 year gap) and DH is out at work from 7am-9pm with no outside help at all so everything has always fallen to me. All clubs, dinners, school stuff, running the home. Literally everything that isn’t DH work is my job pretty much.
Clubs at weekends are my duty too unless 2 run at the same time.
However DH does help at weekends and doesn’t go to the look for hours. He does often fall asleep though if given the chance

@arethereanyleftatall

You do need to be there, sure, but doesn't she just play on her own ever? It's good for them. I used to set up a game, say peppa pig, both mine used to like that, and then tip toe out of the room. Go back a few hours later and they were engrossed in the game.

That’s a) unusual and b) because there was more than one of them. Totally different situation from when you have an only child, when I agree with the OP you do feel a lot more pressure to arrange activities and playdates because you can’t just leave them to play with a sibling.

TBH he doesnt sound very engaged with you or DD! Surely as a SAHM you shouldnt be doing all this grunt work while he has a sodding nap! I am a SAHM too and my DH washes up ,and hoovers and so on plays with DC .(Hes not perfect!but does this as a contribution FFS!) Maybe have a chat to him ,and also make some arrangements for a coffee/lunch some WE with friends and see how he takes to being with DD all day !

Also going to the loo for an hour (unless a medical problem)! seems a long time .I think that needs to stop.Does he think you have an easy time of it? Time for a tete a tete I feel!